AN: I meant to mention this a few chapters back, but I'll say it now anyway! Everything is officially all finished here and I've gotten to work on other projects:) I can also officially promise that everything wraps up nicely and in my books, it is a happy ending. It might not seem that way amongst all the drama but don't worry, we're wrapping up!
Happy Birthday to my best friend! Love ya:D
Thanks for still being here and still reviewing and favouriting and following! I think you should favourite or follow me as an author too:P Ya know, that way you can see all my other stories I planned on writing!
Read, Review, and Enjoy!:)
Parties & Mistakes
Chapter 27: Ally's POV
"Ally, before you go," Austin's mom spoke. "Can I just talk to you first?"
I hesitated, shifting from one fluffy sock clad foot, to the other. I knew what Austin would want to talk about, but what did she want?
"Sure," I smiled tightly, clutching my arms to my chest.
She gestured to the dining room and I followed behind her. Austin awkwardly shuffled to a discarded footstool, sitting down and averting his gaze. Mrs. Moon turned to me, her eyes masking sorrow and worry.
"I'm so sorry for everything that's happened," she said, tilting her head to the side in what I was sure was supposed to be a comforting gesture.
"It's okay," I mumbled. It wasn't okay. People telling me that they were sorry made me feel like there was something to be sorry for. That I should be sorry for my body.
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be apologizing. That must be what -" she paused. "Never mind. I just, I imagine everyone must be telling you this, but I wanted you to know that what you're feeling is normal."
I bit my lip. What was the point of this conversation again? "Thanks," I muttered, down casting my eyes.
"I'm sorry, I'm not really helping, I know," she said, her hands moving absently around a box. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how hard this has been on Austin and I assume it's even worse on you... I just hope you're not like Austin and crying in your mom's arms too."
"What?" I said, shifting my gaze to Austin. I never would have expected him to...
"Giving you some perspective," she smiled at me. Austin was as broken as I was. "Also, I know how much food helps in a time of great sadness or stress. Here's some chocolate's from our trip to Switzerland."
I took the box of chocolates and nodded another thank you. She patted my shoulder and walked to the kitchen table where my mom was perched. They both sat down - looking like they needed each other to talk - and Austin stood. He stared at me expectantly, arms slightly open, waiting for my guidance.
I stared down at the ground. I didn't want to disappoint him. Eventually he walked over to me and took my hand - the one that wasn't holding the box of chocolate's. The gesture made me look up into his eyes. It made me miss everything about him, even though he was standing right there. I placed the box on the dining room table and wrapped my arms around him. He held me, pushing me flush against his body. I didn't want to let go and I could tell by the way he was grasping my shoulder, that he didn't either.
"Aww," I heard the tiny noise of admiration come from the direction of my mother. I pulled back and saw both my mom and Mrs. Moon smiling.
My gaze turned to the floor again, embarrassed. Austin kept his hand on the small of my back, I could tell he was grinning.
"We're going to go upstairs," Austin said. It was more of a question, making sure they actually allowed us to be alone in my room.
My mom nodded. "Okay," she spoke. "But don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Austin laughed. I knew it was a joke, it just didn't make me feel any better. I turned towards the stairs and began walking. Austin grabbed the box of chocolates and followed me. I wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go, I wasn't sure if I liked that.
I opened the door to my room and turned on the light. It lit up the mess that had become my space. My sheets were a disheveled unmade heap, and clothes were left shed on the floor, along with stray pages from my song books. I had been writing and writing and writing, but nothing made sense. Nothing sounded any good. But instead of being in the garbage, they were scattered amongst my carpet.
"Sorry for the mess," I murmured, sitting cross legged in my mass of sheets.
He shrugged, throwing the chocolates on my bed and bending to pick up one of the discarded papers. I put my arm out in protest but eventually withdrew it as he straightened a crumpled one. His eyes scanned the page and when he looked up, a sadness surrounded him.
"Ally," he breathed. "How do you manage to write so beautifully when you're so sad?"
I laughed, taking the paper from him as he sat down. "None of this is any good."
"I beg to differ," he said, smiling. "That ones perfect and I'm willing to bet if I picked up any of these other ones, they'd be pretty perfect too."
"Says the boy who came up with 'Song, song, song, song, song, song'..." I giggled.
He laughed too and began to unwrap the chocolates. "Hey! I may not be the best song writer, but I can tell when something is good or bad."
I watched his fingers meticulously scratch at the plastic wrap. It was drawn tight over the box, the kind you need long nails to pick at the edges. Eventually he peeled away at it with his teeth, an action that made him look like a deranged dog.
"Do you need some help?" I snickered.
It was in these first fleeting moments that I realized everything I had missed. The days I had shut Austin out, the secrets I had kept, my mounting blame on him. All of it came crashing down around me in an open box of chocolate.
Austin smiled triumphantly and handed me a truffle. They were all milk or dark chocolate with white chocolate shavings dribbled overtop. I took it from him and ate it whole, watching him with every chew.
"So what're we doing?" I asked, mouth still half full with chocolate. "Sitting around eating a box of chocolate in some vain attempt to talk?"
He shook his head, shedding the tiny candy wrapper around the chocolate. "These are just the best chocolates I've ever had. I figured they might help. You hate me anyway so it doesn't matter."
"I don't hate you," I mumbled, unable to look him in the eye.
"Then why can't you look at me?" he whispered. I felt him shift closer to me, saw his hands reach out to mine. I stared at the forest green sleeve of his shirt, the tiny scar on his wrist from when he fell off the stage at one of his first outings. Sometimes I felt like I knew him better than I did myself.
I didn't know who I was right now. I didn't know why I couldn't look at him. I didn't know how to put blame on anyone else. I didn't know anything.
I don't know anything.
I'm lost and I have no idea how to be found.
Tears began to fall down my cheeks and I covered my eyes with my hands. "I don't know."
"Ally," he said, managing to wrap me into a hug.
"I don't hate you," I cried. "Not at all, not in the slightest. It's just everything that's happened and everything that keeps building, I just keep blaming you for it. I don't know why and I can't stop and it's making me want to hate you with everything I have, but I can't. I can't hate you no matter how much blame I put on you."
He rubbed my back but I could tell he had no idea what to say. A silence filled the room. All that could be heard was our breathing and my sobs. The only thing it reminded me of was every moment I'd spent with Austin since the original event. I'd spent so much time crying in his arms and not knowing anything about myself anymore.
"I'm sorry," he eventually managed.
"God, how do you not hate me?" I moaned, pushing away from him. "I just told you I blame you for all of this and I can't even count the number of times I've cried with you."
He looked down at my comforter, absently tracing the velvet patterns. "I could never hate you," he said, shaking his blonde locks from left to right. He glanced up at me, his eyes glistening. "You're -" he hesitated and snickered. "You're something special, Al. I can't hate you for the same reason you can't hate me. I love you. All that I hate is how much you're tearing yourself up. All that I hate is seeing you crying your eyes out. I love you, I just hate this."
I sighed and stared at him. His dark brown orbs looked back. We were both studying each other. Austin's eyes were shining, he was on the verge of tears. His nose was red and he was biting his lip. He was sitting with his legs outstretched, feet lightly touching my knees. His hands were balled in the sheets, knuckles white. He was a mess.
I could guarantee I looked the same way. Maybe worse.
My hair had been pulled back in a frazzled, tangly pony tail. My glasses were fogged with tears, I could only imagine that my cheeks were tracked with the same. I knew my dark grey sweatpants and maroon fleece sweater did nothing for me. I knew I looked like someone on drugs, or maybe a cat lady. I was a mess.
We were both broken, unwitting messes.
"Austin, I don't know what to do anymore," I whispered.
"Looks like you're writing," he replied, gesturing around the room. "Which I'm sure is some form of therapy."
He swallowed and I looked down at my feet. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I'm the worst person," I muttered. "I kept you in the dark and then kept you in the dark even after you knew."
He let out a long breath and turned away from me. "Yeah," he said, his voice strained. "Yeah, that... It wasn't your finest moment."
"I didn't realize how much I was hurting you," I mumbled. Nothing I was saying came out strong anymore. Everything I had done to Austin made me feel awful.
"I never thought you'd lie to me," he said, sounding like a little boy who had had his candy taken away. "It's just, you're... Special. You're so special to me, Al, but you keep lying to me. I don't know how long I can take..."
He trailed off and let his words hit me. In everything I had done, I hadn't realized how much destruction I was leaving. I was so afraid within myself that I didn't stop to think about anyone else.
"I'm sorry," I repeated. "I was just so terrified. In my mind I didn't even think I was lying to you. I just thought that if I didn't tell you things, then you wouldn't hate me. I wouldn't be able to stand it if you did... I just... I let it go too far and I let myself be too scared and I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he sighed and looked back at me. There was hurt in his eyes and I really hoped it actually was okay. "It's just -"
He paused and I blinked. Whatever he was about to say, it was big.
"Just what?" I asked hesitantly.
"I wish I could remember having sex with you," he laughed. "That's not some pervy confession though, I promise. It's just... If I ever thought we were going to do that, I never expected it to be that way. I wish there was a do-over button where I could remember it as something special. Something that lives up to how you should be treated."
"Oh," I said, a blush creeping onto my cheeks. "I can remember everything around that night, I just can't remember actually doing it. I don't remember taking off my clothes or anything in between... All I can think of is the regret we both felt after we did it."
Austin groaned. "I know," he mumbled. "That's what I wish wasn't there. Call me crazy, but I wish it meant more. I don't want it to be some drunken affair but that's what it is."
"You're not just happy it was sex? I mean, what teenage boy doesn't want sex?"
He shrugged. "Have them go through something like this and maybe they'll think twice."
We were both overcome by silence. Austin unwrapped another chocolate and handed me one. I played with the brown candy liner of the truffle, running my nails along the creases. Again, we got into a staring match. This inability to move on to the next subject.
"I'm sorry," I spoke.
"Don't be," he smiled. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I'm sorry for lying to you," I muttered. "Or whatever it was I was doing."
Austin pushed my arm and I fell back onto my pillows. He appeared next to me and turned to face me. "You already apologized for that, which mean it's void. Now you have nothing to be sorry for."
"I have everything to be sorry for," I whispered.
"Nope," he smiled. "No. Nothing to be sorry for. It's all gone!"
My lips quirked. I knew he was trying to pull me out of this, but I just felt so horrible.
"I'm a failure, Austin. Isn't that enough to be sorry for?"
"Everyone's a failure if you look at them the wrong way," Austin shrugged. He wiped a tear away from my cheek, his hand lingering. "How I look at you... I think you already know. I think you're pretty perfect. And you're pretty and your perfect."
I laughed and closed my eyes, warming to his touch. "I'm not, Austin."
"Not what?" he asked, hand trailing from my cheek, down my arm, and to my hand. "Because you're gorgeous and you're absolutely not a failure."
I sighed and felt myself start to drift. Why did everything have to be so complicated? I squeezed his hand and opened my eyes. Austin's face was right in front of mine. Mere inches from my lips. I closed the gap and lightly kissed him. It wasn't for long. It was just long enough.
I shook my head. "I don't know what to do."
"I don't think anyone expects you to," he whispered.
I disconnected our hands and reached up to his face. I ran my fingers along his cheekbones, down his nose, and over his soft, pink lips. I memorized every inch of him. I let our breathing come together. But I still didn't know what to do.
"Austin, I -" I paused and pursed my lips. Austin began trailing his fingers over my face, just as I had done to him. I laughed and forgot everything.
His lips quirked into a grin at my happiness. "God, you're beautiful."
I shook my head. "No," I said, resting my hand on his chest. "I'm not. I can't be. I don't know how you look at me like this after everything."
And just like that, I ruined everything.
Austin's grin turned into a frown all too quickly. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Al, I don't know why you can't see what I see. I don't know why you can't stop blaming yourself or blaming me, for all of this. I realize we may have done the original action, but this end result - it's nobody's fault."
"Someone has to be at fault," I whispered. "That's just how the world works."
"Then blame Kira, or blame the world, or blame fate. I don't know, just stop doing this to yourself."
The love and pain that I saw in his eyes hurt my soul. I couldn't believe that one person could feel this way about another. It was the utmost, highest, strongest amount of love that I had ever felt. It was something that just made everything all the more painful.
He would have made an amazing father.
I rubbed my hand over my face and covered my mouth. I didn't want to say it, but I knew I had to.
"Austin," I started, tears - once more - forming in my eyes. "Maybe we just need to step back for a while."
"What?" he asked. I could tell by the confused draw of his eyebrows, he hadn't expected me to say that.
I shook my head and sat up, pushing stray hairs behind my ears. "All of this," I stuttered as Austin sat next to me, trying to comprehend my next whim. "It just doesn't make sense to me anymore. The only thing that's changed is us. What if that's what's out of place? What if it needs to be fixed?"
"So you're saying -" he started.
"I'm not saying anything. I'm just thinking, maybe we should let everything cool down and then begin again."
He nodded. "I understand."
"I'm sorry," I said, again.
"Don't be. It makes sense, Al. We need to step back, if only for a little. You still know that means I'll be there for you, right?"
"Yeah," I said, wiping away my tears. "I know. Same here."
Austin got off my bed and stood beside me. I looked up at him and smiled. He returned the smile and reached out to me, wrapping me in a hug once more. Just as he was about to pull back, he bent and kissed my forehead.
"I love you, Al," he whispered, looking me in the eye. I stared at him, a small smile appearing on my face. He reached out for my hands and I squeezed his. "I'll see you soon."
He walked from my room and I let out all the air I had been holding. Every ounce in my body was questioning what I had just told him. How can any of this be right?
AN: Don't you just love it when something works out perfectly? That's how the ending kind of came to me for this chapter... And I know it's sad, but I've promised happiness! And I still promise happiness:) At least you don't have long to wait for the next chapter! Drop me a review!