Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sad but true.
Though a word or a review would make it somewhat better.
"This is fucking insane! You can't do this to us, asshole!"
She found herself scowling at a cursing blonde pacing by her side and had to resist the urge to choke her to death with that futile show of impatience.
Regina was fighting her less than healthy instincts to kill any of the morons she found herself with since coming back in time and she was nowhere near winning said battle.
"And shut the hell up!" A booming voice startled her from her murdering plans and she almost thanked the spiteful guard for shutting the crass woman's mouth. Small victories, they say.
The reprimanded savior glared at the silver bars and went back to shaking them like a manic and missed the memo or was too simple minded to figure that she wasn't any close to bending the cell than she was the last ungodly hours she spent trying this over and over again.
At last, they heard a final blow that surely meant the disgusting man closed the heavy door and left them alone to their own fate.
On one hand, the immature blonde stopped her mindless actions after that.
On the other, it gave her more time to annoy the lovely life out of Regina.
As if sensing the brunette's distress, she turned around and smiled at her as madly as The Joker.
"Well, that was fun." No, it wasn't.
The blonde had the audacity to give her one of her idiotic charming smiles. No, not charming, just overall stupid.
The distasteful pirate sneered behind her, which explained just how uncalled for was Miss Swan's sarcasm. Their situation was so far from being amusing that even her love-sick handless puppy was forced to disagree.
Though Regina was too physically and emotionally drained to berate the foolish comedian properly.
"I'm not sure exactly what definition of fun you're using, Miss Swan, but it's one I've never become acquainted with and would rather not bump into again." She sighed.
Of course her decision to help Mother and that spiteful older spawn of hers would come to bite her back. How could she be so very naïve?
But to be spoken to with such disrespect by guards and be thrown out in a sordid jail?! That was the last nail in her coffin.
And no matter being innocent (for once) and having committed the dire crime of talking to a wandering little girl who had made less than wise choices in her friendship department if Regina was to have a say.
From all children the princess could have sought out to play, of course she would go out and befriend the twisted ginger.
Fate was never by her side and Regina should have known better.
(And tried as she might, it still baffled her how badly the King's guards treated her mother just for being poor. From Cora's everlasting list of offenses, that ought to be the lesser of her evil deeds.)
Though maybe she could understand the King's order. Better lock her mother now that she didn't have magic and save the world from that psycho woman while they could.
If only it didn't throw their mission to have Cora give birth to her on a loop, Regina was almost wishing to keep the woman behind bars. But with a glance around their unpleasant accommodations, she quickly dismissed that line of thought. Not even her mother deserved to be here and that said something about the hellish place.
She thought back to the minutes prior to losing her freedom and sighed. That's what you get for trying to help people.
(And for having someone as crude and violent as Miss Swan by her side.)
With a sigh and a roll of eyes, she determined that being evil was way easier and never got her in such unflattering predicament (besides that only time she sauntered over Snow's dungeons, that is). It explained pretty well how being good never worked out for her. Might as well give up trying.
"I swear to God I'll talk the kid's ears off for this shit." The blonde nightmare spat somewhere behind and Regina scowled quietly.
As incredibly distressed as she found herself in that shameless position, there was no denying Henry played a huge part after selling her as a magic teacher to her demented sister and as his disastrous birth mother's fake wife.
Whatever offended her more, you could just take a pick.
And of course after making such regrettable associations, it could never end well.
"And that's how I'm here now." Little Elsa just shared with them how she managed to escape her tutor. Or, how Regina would have put it, her guard dog. The man's only responsibility, as the girl said, was to follow and keep tabs on her through magic. Hadn't she already met her mother in this time line, she would probably think that was her task.
"That's so cool!" Henry said and the two girls beamed at each other while Miss Swan and the pirate looked alarmed. "I mean, my mom here could teach you how to poof from place to place, she does that very well." Her son said with a victorious grin pointing her as if he was proud of her evil and dark magic.
That was a first and she took her time to look truly stunned.
"He-kid! What the hell are you talking about?" Yes, the blasted savior was still unable to express herself without throwing random curses all around. Very inappropriate choice of words.
Though her magic really wasn't a subject she was willing to talk about. Not when her deranged sister was in the same vicinity.
"Can you really, Dianna? I bet you can do many, many things! You look so powerful and pretty I have no doubt." Elsa told her grinning openly and she held the girl's eyes with surprise coloring her features.
Finally someone could see her for what she was.
"Hey, kid! She's already taken okay?" A fierce glare accompanied that nonsense and Regina had to roll her eyes to that silly power show. Not that she could be shocked for seeing Miss Swan bantering with a child on her behalf. The woman was as immature as the little girl. "Let's keep the fangirling to a minimum." The cursed blonde took her hand in her paw and squeezed in jealousy.
Probably because Elsa liked Regina way more than she liked the uncouth blonde.
"Just ignore my Ma." Henry said and rolled his eyes. Her son knew better. "It would be very nice to try and learn magic with you two. Maybe we can even practice with swords, right?" Her prince was beaming, his idiotic birth mother was fuming and the pirate was drinking – as always. The two girls were impossibly happy.
But she should have predicted what that would bring. Or maybe, after Elsa's input, Regina must have seen all was about to crumble down.
She just… She was somewhat amused by her companions – even when Emma showed no sign of letting go of her hand – so she didn't even notice when guards started wrecking the tavern, barking orders, shooting offenses at everyone and accusing them of kidnapping Princess Elsa and trying to corrupt her in the arts of magic.
And there was the idiotic savior trying to protect the girl with Hook's bottle of rum as if the distasteful alcohol would somehow kill the men.
It, unfortunately, failed to murder the insipid pirate, so she didn't have high expectations about the poison's mysterious power.
She also wasn't prepared for being attacked by some guards while the disaster-prone blonde shouted obscenities at the top of her lungs. And being shoved outside the tavern like a criminal after her mother attacked two guards with a broom, the savior broke the bottle on someone's back and Hook pierced another man with his, well, hook while all three kids were being dragged with Elsa's pleas of forgiveness and promises of being a better girl wasn't exactly how she planned to enjoy her afternoon.
Everything was a blur and soon she was flying a man away from the little blonde princess and all of them – her mother and sister included – were trying to outrun the guard's horses with fireballs aimlessly being thrown behind them if only to scare their horses.
And well, just when they were a step from missing the disrespectful men and fulfilling the kidnap they were being unjustly accused of, Elsa ran towards another direction and the mother inside her had to go after the girl, making her cohort of misfits follow their new path.
Which, obviously, led them to the gardens of a castle where they faced even more guards, a very crossed King and a crying Queen both ordering their heads and a yelling match ran its course when Miss Swan decided to shout her never ending list of insults because their situation wasn't bad enough already.
The runaway princess tried to plead with her parents on their behalf but as soon as the despicable King laid his eyes on Regina long enough to give her a once over, there was no escaping their unfair fate after Miss Swan stole a man's sword and all but dived at the ruler with promises of a slow and painful death for daring to ogle the brunette in front of her.
Regina, for once, couldn't pinpoint where and when exactly her life became such a sad mess and was stunned into silence.
(Miss Swan's threats of cutting the King's appendage were still clear in her head.)
Not only that, the mad woman attacked all guards with the help of Hook and Cora – who, Regina was sure, were only using the excuse for killing people – and by some miracle, the children were out of danger (it was more than the brunette could ask for) so she decided to state her mind with fireballs and protective spells.
Of course, her predicament was decreed after what they'd done as soon as they were caught when a battered guard held a sword against Henry's neck and even the inebriated pirate and her twisted mother dropped their attacks in favor of her son's life.
So after orders from the King, pleads from the children, expletives from the shameful savior, grunts from the leather clad handless imbecile and threats from Cora, they were to face imprisonment until following order.
She still didn't regret her fireballs though the dungeon was nowhere the proper place to treat her – perhaps it was fair to the hooligans she was, sadly, associated with – but not to a queen.
And never to the Evil Queen.
The fact that her ever nosy and talkative son had everything to do with her imprisonment was not lost on her. Nor was little Elsa's childish faith in her father's decency right after he sent his men to manhandle and lock them like criminals.
It was a crime how much she wanted to behead the man back then.
Though she didn't want to harm him nearly enough as Emma Swan who had a very colorful –yet disturbing – way of threatening people.
So no, Regina didn't hold her son responsible for this.
(And yes, she absolutely knew Henry's predisposition to meddle in other's business and to forge situations according to his plans. But surely it was his sickening birth parents blame - it was extremely unfair to expect Regina to fight the insufferable Charmings' obtrusive personality and the terrifying Dark One's will combined. She already spent her whole life trying and the only solution she found was to curse them all to another realm.)
Suddenly she was brought back to the present by the handless imbecile making a very poor use of his brain. If he had one. That was still up for debate.
"Hey, we should wait for He-" The pirate's sentence was cut by her glare and he cleared his throat. "the little lad to come to our rescue! I'm sure he won't let us root and die here!" Hook moped and paced by her side and she rolled her eyes at him. "And the tiny blonde said she would help us out too." Regina was dumbfounded by this miserable man's simple mind. How in God's good Earth could this moron bet all his tickets in two powerless children was a glaring fact of his irresponsible persona.
(That was probably why Miss Swan was attracted to him. She had a thing for immature and reckless fools after all.)
But it still was not Regina's problem.
No, better than be disgusted by the obnoxious savior's taste in men, she was thinking of Henry, her not so little prince and what may be happening to him.
And God help her if something did happen to her son! She would raise hells if anyone all but touched him!
After saving her dearest boy from impostor children in Neverland and how fine it did all end, the duty of rescuing them wasn't something she would ever wish upon her son.
Nor did she want to think about how he may be and where.
Because yes, Peter Pan was a perverse man inside a child's body – and she should have known that twisted mind could only be related to Rumplestiltskin – but thinking about all the possible things that disrespectful King and his army could be doing to her son…
It was far beyond nauseating.
"Oh right! So now we will just wait to be rescued by my kid and a, I don't know, ten years old spoiled princess because she said so?" The rude blonde savior was being sarcastic again and Regina sighed one more time. "Yeah! New flash, Hook! It's not going to happen!" The woman said exasperated and her nasty man toy glared at her.
"So what do you suggest, Swan?" He asked irritated and Regina stared daggers at him. "Because from where I'm standing, I don't see that many options popping out of nowhere." Handless moron!
She scowled. Not because she was coming to the idiotic blonde's help, god forbid!, but his mockery didn't sit well with her.
And yes, she knew the little blonde wouldn't come down to the dungeons to save them even if she could and Regina herself had an endless list of mishaps with spoiled little brats who believed they were entitled to waltz around the world and wreck everyone's life when they needed help because they were good.
So she did agree with Miss Swan against her better judgment.
The savior ignored the dirty man and looked at her haunted and angry at the same time. She knew the feeling.
"I don't know, can you, I mean- Do you think you can poof us out of here, Re-" Miss Swan stopped mid-sentence after Regina cleared her throat. But the smirk she received from the impractical blonde didn't mean anything good. "wife?" The glare she gave the woman was unmatched. The idiot!
"Of course I can, dear, I'm just enjoying myself so much here that I forgot this very possibility." She found herself locked in a stare contest with the graceless savior yet again.
The senseless former sheriff kept her insufferable smirk in place and she responded with an ice cold glare.
"If I recall right, we are only here because you assaulted the King when he stared at your wife's cleavage, Miss Swan." Oh yes! How could she forget the fact that her beloved mother was only a few feet away from her in the very same jail cell?
Oh the crimes she must have committed to deserve such punishment!
But there was something off with how her mother phrased her attack, she just couldn't figure out what exactly.
"Damn straight!" The handless fool said with a sickening crooked smile to the blonde and Regina clenched her fists to not fireball him right away. Only because her magic was blurry and unpredictable for now and, as much as it pained her to admit, she had no idea why. "Well, not exactly straight in this case…" The crass bastard's uncanny smile only grew and she thought of her son, her dearest son, and crossed her arms before something – like his unworthy carcass – was set on fire.
And the blonde in question was fidgety and flushed like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"It wasn't my fault!" The former sheriff said.
Though everything was always her fault.
Well, not always seeing that sometimes it was her annoying father's fault. Most often it was her intrusive mother's blame, but they were related to her so it was only fit.
"Oh no?" Her wicked mother may be different in this time line, save for the cynicism that was still her forte. "Hm, interesting because I swear you punched his face and attempted to impale him with a stolen sword making promises to slay him if he all but dared to come near your 'wife'." Cora quoted wife and Regina sighed. Yes, that was all Emma. "I must be mistaken then."
The blonde in question glared at her mother with fury, as if she had any right to not feel berated after that little show she put.
Hook was smirking at the two of them and Cora had a look that dared the savior to do anything about her hurt feelings.
"Nope, it's just as I remember, lass." The dunk idiot said with a sinful smile to her mother who gave him a cunning grin that was enough to make Regina's blood boil with the need to set this disgusting place on fire. Unfortunately, her magic was still unresponsive. "Though I still remember the Queen being very smitten with Swan's chivalrous act." He winked and she scowled.
How dare that inebriate idiot mistake her everlasting humiliation for something as offensive as that?!
She wasn't smitten with Emma Swan's inability to express herself like a normal human being, she was simply mortified! And to see that blonde idiot acting like a senseless caveman was very unbecoming and truly suicidal. To attack a King in front of his army?! The mentally incapable savior couldn't have done worse than that.
(Though the feeling of being protected for once in her life took hold of her and her heart jumped madly at the memory. But she already established that her heart was an asinine traitor eager to be ignored.)
Still, the blonde's lack of proper etiquette and poor education was nothing new. No, what was enraging her like only the savior's parents could was seeing the indecent bond between her twisted mother and her inept sidekick.
The two of them were even more maddening here than when they went to Storybrooke blazing like a rocket to order their revenge. She had been a sitting duck back then but not now. She wouldn't be one of their paws again. Not ever!
With that in mind, Regina – finally! – felt her magic answering her call and engulfing her hand in a thick purple mist, she could feel it in her bones and all over her body like a hot furious tide embracing her and shielding her from everything. She felt powerful, unstoppable, unreachable and simply alive. Like every single time she resorted to her magic in all her life.
It was-
"Whatever, he can't go around touching someone else's wife and expect me to be freaking okay with it because that's just wrong! And he was goddamn lucky to have an army or he wouldn't have survived this shit."
-stopped by Emma Swan's incessant babbler, rich vocabulary and embarrassing sense of chivalry.
(This woman brought nothing but trouble!)
With that her hateful thoughts and harming magic went away as if they were never there. And she blinked.
And blinked.
And blinked.
She tried to drown the voices and the world out of her mind to control her power again but it didn't happen and she panicked.
Because surely someone did something with her magic and she wasn't capable of reaching for it anymore.
Just like the day she was tortured thanks to the wandering coward smirking at her who cut off her magic with an ungodly bracelet and left her alone and vulnerable with those-
"Hey! We're going to find a way, okay?" Her internal thoughts were once again interrupted by the brash savior – did this woman not know when to shut up? – who was a breath away from her and looking like she was battling herself not to let her disrespectful hands hold the brunette like a child.
She rolled her eyes. Obviously that woman definitely knew no bounds.
"Yes, I know, Mi-" She started and cleared her throat. "Emma. I know we will." Not for the blonde's kicked puppy eyes but in favor of their plan (and never for that crooked and satisfied smile that made her feel like she had everything), Regina took the hard way out.
"Yeah, we will." The train wreck whispered back.
Or the hard way in.
Because before she could search in herself to be surprised or pretend to be annoyed, she was being hugged by thin but strong arms with blond messy hair covering her vision and smelling Emma Swan's cinnamon magic. Well, she should have known.
Nothing like forests and soul mates and awkward conversations about second chances or tentative steps into a destined relationship.
And she hugged back because it was only polite.
(And thinking about Robin while she was in the infuriating woman's demanding embrace felt a lot like cheating. Her. And that was simple preposterous!)
It was only a hug out of comfort, nothing more. Nothing less.
Still Emma's hands held her with a reassuring confidence of someone who would never let you go.
But she did. Twice.
(When she accused her of being a murderer because the very woman in the same cell with her, who was supposed to be her mother, decided that framing her was the best way to a daughter's heart.
And when she decided to take her son and simply flee out of her life. Just like that. Like she meant nothing, like she didn't have ten years of memories, of fevers, tantrums, pain and happiness that could only be brought by motherhood that she kindly gave the blonde in one of the few acts of selflessness she ever did.
The first was a wake up call, she could say. But the second… It really broke her heart to think that after all she did for the good ones, all the fight she put to redeem herself she would never be enough to be one of them and would never be a good enough mother in her eyes. And it stung.)
So she detangled herself from that untrustworthy embrace and looked around with arms crossed.
Miss Swan had her idiotic face in place and looked like a lost child with sad eyes. She feebly ignored her.
"You don't look like a married couple." Her mother pointed with an accusing glare. Oh here we go again!
Regina sighed – she was that tired – but the blonde saw that as an almost physical hit and gone was her sad eyes and defeated stance. The savior straightened her posture and glared at Cora with a vengeance that could only mean she was about to endure another bickering between these two bullheaded women. Again.
Jesus! How she hated her sister for putting her in such inconvenient position!
"Yeah? And what did you expect? For us to be having sex right here?" Miss Swan spat and Regina did not blush. She seriously didn't. It was only a matter of being embarrassed once again by the same idiot. And of course, to her misfortune, the ridiculous speech wouldn't end there. It never did with that family. "Because I see no problem with it if my wife agrees."
That cursed lopsided grin!
And her breath did no hitch, her heart didn't hammer inside her chest and no, she did not imagine that!
This woman had no shame!
"Well, your wife looks like she might just pass out imagining this scenario so I gather you are not that good in bed." When in hell was her mother so nosy and, and-
She didn't even have a word to describe that idiocy!
But then Emma looked at her like Regina had re-cursed her whole family and destroyed her happiness over again: all miserable and beaten.
This was a circle that must be broken.
"It's none of your business, lady!" The defeated savior said low and looking at the floor. So much for standing her ground.
So much that Hook was the one rescuing them.
(And why were they still lying?)
"But they are just like that, lass. Always have been. Sometime they are bickering like children and a little after that they are attacking each other. If you know what I mean." The spiteful man dared to wink at her mother!
She had a lot of things to say and points to elucidate like no, they didn't bicker like children! Miss Swan argued like a child and she only defended herself from such childish accusations. And no! They never attacked each other like that!
This vulgar pirate was only voicing his pervert fantasies.
"But are you sure they are married? I just don't know how Lady Dianna could be with someone as lewd as her. It doesn't make sense." Cora said still looking suspicious.
And that simple sentence filled her with two different feelings. On one hand, she was almost proud for hearing her mother praise her for something as minimal as that. Which was disturbed – she knew – to seek acceptance from a woman who was never a mother and now didn't know she was her daughter.
Year after year she waited to hear something, anything, that would show her mother's appreciation of her and she tried it all – nothing was enough.
But here she did (well, not exactly) and Regina felt as happy as she felt enraged.
And that was what took her by surprise.
Somewhere inside her mind, after years of enduring the bug's inspirational lectures, she could rectify the warm feeling spreading inside her as a missing appreciation in her growing years. She never had and always wanted to, more than anything, be loved and cared by her 'mom', not a woman who held the mother title as she did her noble one, with iron fist. But Mother never treated her with care and for every time she was emotionally tortured by the woman; she only came back with more love.
(Though this ship sank just after her mother's ghost decided to almost kill Snow White rather than talk to her. It was the last blow she would endure.)
However, her rage or her almost inhuman need to defend the crass and crude blonde was way beyond her analyzing capacity. So her body acted on impulse – and completely against her better judgment.
(She was never one to spend her time overanalyzing her feelings anyway.)
Before the pirate could answer that – and Miss Swan could drown in more self-pity –, she took two steps and stopped by the blonde's side with an arm that snaked itself on the woman's waist and pulled her in her direction.
(She was only doing it for the show, but the savior's little yelp broke a wicked grin on her face.)
"Yes, we are married and we feel deep for each other, thank you very much." She couldn't say who was more surprised; Miss Swan was about to eat a fly with her big mouth open like a tunnel; her mother had her eyebrows raised and a mocking smile adorning her face; the pirate, the pervert pirate, was leering with a smirk that couldn't upset her more.
(And she was astonished with how much she could believe her own lie. That was a very horrifying insight.)
Aside from the surprised yelp coming from her son's idiotic birth mother, the dungeon was as silent as her vault.
And Emma's eyes on her that spoke volumes.
They were not scared, but surprised and that was understandable. And they looked soft, nothing like the stormy green that seemed to haunt her dreams (and nightmares) and had a way of testing her very thin patience with bad puns and stubbornness. They looked peaceful (and Regina never thought this annoying woman could look anything but chaotic), like they were waiting for something – for her.
This scared Regina like little things ever did.
But she was nothing if persistent. Yes, she was frightened, but that didn't mean she wouldn't hold her ground.
And they had a fake marriage to sell, a heartless woman to convince, an inopportune pirate to make jealous (and she would enjoy that very much) and a son to save, so better be over with that nonsense soon.
(She wouldn't dare say to a soul, alive or not, that what spurred her on was the crooked and lustful smile she was receiving from the blonde who, now, had her disrespectful hands back on her waist in an embrace. And seeing that she wouldn't let that ridiculous woman have the upper hand, her only option was to kiss that stupid grin off her face.)
And that she did.
Nothing exactly much, she would say, it was almost sloppy as every first kiss may be. But she didn't have time to dwell on that because, by some miracle, Miss Swan's tongue was inside her mouth in no time and she was biting the woman's lips after a heartbeat or two.
Soon after that, a moan was heard and her back collided with the wall and suddenly Emma was all over her with her insolent hands dangerously near her butt, knee between her legs with her tongue still trying to choke her deep inside her mouth.
(She should have known the woman would try to kill her with a kiss. A hell of a kiss.)
Her last thought was: Yes! Her mother and the pirate could eat that one up.
And after that everything was very hard to keep up with. Quite literally.
Emma held her up against the wall (when her legs decided to desert her) and same traitorous legs got tangled around the savior's waist. Her hands were pulling blonde locks and urging a seriously wicked mouth to keep on kissing her. Her throat was making noises it most definitely shouldn't. And she felt on fire, like a Katniss something from a book Henry was now obsessed with and shots of electricity were running through her like someone was defibrillating her heart.
But that still didn't come near the show the blonde was putting (who knew she could act that well?). The vulgar woman was squeezing her ass like someone did to fruits on a market, her heart was beating so damn loud that Regina was afraid the savior could fall dead on her (only because Henry would blame her. And he would be right this time around). Emma was panting like a dying smoker, but still didn't stop kissing in favor of breathing and she was grunting loud noises that were far from being human. And that was all too much for her libido.
(Yes, she kissed Robin, but she didn't have sex in ages and couldn't be held responsible if she, perhaps, violated the savior.)
With that she took a deep breath, opened her eyes and broke the kiss – her traitor hands still inside a mess of blonde.
"Trust me, I know your little Zelena is alright, Cora." She heard that being said somewhere and stared at Miss Swan in shock.
How dare they ignore this show she put so much thought into doing to talk about her wicked sister? Of course the little demon was fine! She was probably poisoning someone or practicing a death spell! Her only worry was-
"Hi!" A smiling and angry red mouth said to her. Her gaze roomed through a mischievous face (with dark green eyes and dilated pupils) and she held back the want to roll her eyes.
"Hi…" She whispered back instead.
"I-uhm that was… It was… Good?" That time she rolled her eyes. Why the damn woman couldn't use words like a normal person? "I'm not sure if I should-" She would have found all the bashfulness and nerves becoming on another person, but not on this hooligan (That was another glaring lie). What a time to be a tongue-tied Charming!
(Somewhere in Storybrooke, the two idiots were laughing at her, she was sure.)
So she kissed Miss Swan again. It had nothing to do with how her body simply hummed in harmony with hers or how she liked that crude mouth doing things different than talking nonsense. But it was obviously because she didn't need to hear the rest of that question to know what it would be. And didn't feel like answering it.
Well not with words, anyway. They were very bad with them.
Emma, of course, couldn't respond any quicker than she had. And sooner than later she was sneaking her hand (that wasn't tied in blonde mane) inside her tunic to scratch a taut stomach wildly and the woman holding her was moaning and whimpering and rocking on her and Jesus Christ! She will die!
"Don't they have any decency?"
Regina bit a pale neck with vigor and a litany of furious swears went through the blonde's teeth.
If it was any other time, she would have berated the woman for using such a coarse language, but not now. Hearing that crude woman hissing cusses like a sailor was such a turn on Regina was afraid of dropping dead right on spot.
"I'm afraid not. They never did, never will. Though they were never quite this libidinous before."
Without missing a beat, she licked the woman's neck and felt Emma trembling against her - if her mind was able of anything else than deflowering the former sheriff with gusto, she would have scolded the woman who was probably a step from falling. With her!
"Jesus fuck!" Miss Swan said before holding her hair and kissing her back like a woman possessed. And Regina kissed back just as hard when the blonde's hand held and squeezed her left breast.
"Em…ma." It was her time to moan and lick the blonde's chin in a jest that made the other woman wild.
(This was her point, after all.)
They were way past the point of no return, doing things they shouldn't and kissing people they couldn't. But when the savior started to babbler her mouth again (if Regina was awkwardly wet before, after that she was embarrassingly dripping) they broke a barrier they shouldn't.
(Seeing that those things would come to haunt them both way after that. Making out with each other like mad people could be rebutted with the need to sell their fake relationship. Yes, it could have gotten a little out of hand, but they could always blame their acting skills.
Now talking about how long they wanted to do it? Well, it was hard to lie after that one. Thought they were nothing if persistent enough to try.)
"I've always wanted to fuck you against a jail cell. Ever since the fucking day I became sheriff." The blonde said biting her earlobe and taking a very pained moan out of her.
"As I wanted you between my legs under my desk, Miss Swan." Of course she wouldn't let the blonde win their little spar! She mimicked Emma's actions and whispered at her ear, hand still full of blonde hair and a lustful smile taking over her face.
"Oh God!" The blonde kissed her yet again. "I'm just picturing that! And I can't tell you how much I fucking want it!" Was purred against her lips and they were back to where they stopped. With messy tongues battling for dominance and hands shamelessly roaming each other's body and moans that were eaten by hungry mouths.
Miss Swan's pants and grunts were all her ears could listen and hearing such response made Regina delirious.
She couldn't bring herself to care that she was sucking the hateful woman's neck like a vampire or that the blonde's hands were trying to untie her corset with fervor. Nor did she care that her nemesis was whispering a handful of expletives on her ear and prompting her on with something like 'yes; please; fuck me; Jesus fucking Christ' and whatnots that would have made the brunette blush any other day.
Though she was fairly certain she was deep red. Her motives however were still not anyone's damn business.
As though she was being piloted against her will, Regina quickly detangled herself from the blonde's octopus like embrace – and heard an indignant whimper in response that she absolutely did not find adorable – to throw the woman on a makeshift bed that was a crime against humanity only to mount her a second later, gaining that ridiculously (delightful) immature crooked smile in return.
Their two companions were oddly quiet but Emma was taking off her tunic and there went that thought. The former sheriff still had a top yes, though her rigid stomach was now on display and Regina ogled her openly, licking her lips.
(It was a very pleasant sight.)
Her caveman of a partner growled something inhuman and pulled her back into another bruising kiss.
(If only she knew how easy it would be to get the woman under her spell… Not mentioning the fact that she would blissfully share the news with Emma's incompetent parents only to add more despair to their long list of regrets.
It felt a lot like her main plan when she enacted the curse: the two idiots would be miserable and she would have her happy ending.
Because of Henry, of course.
It had nothing to do with the clueless savior under her who still didn't manage to take off her corset and, with a grunt, gave up on her mission in favor to squeeze her butt and ground her hips fiercely against hers, making her moan without shame.
Only it had almost everything to do with her.)
"Fuck, baby! Can you…?" The blonde panted on her mouth and tugged the laces of her garment in a silent question with a pained expression and wide dark eyes. Regina smirked; one would think savior was being tortured by the look she was giving the brunette. "Please?"
And the brunette ignored the term of endearment; it would do her no good to dwell on that.
Though her galloping heart was another story.
"Oh no, God no!"
She deliberately licked Miss Swan's lips and the shudder that went through the blonde was enough to make her smile widen.
"Let's… just turn around, lass."
"I guess I can try, dear." She winked and the other woman nodded dumbly before attacking her mouth with hands pulling her hair and griping her ass simultaneously.
Regina was hell bent on giving her companion a show she would never forget. So slowly, ever so slowly , she reclined back still giving the blonde a twisted smirk (that had the other woman almost drooling and assaulting her) and started to untie the laces of her corset being serenaded by grunts, pants and some crude language that almost had her using magic to get off her whole attire – if it wasn't for how bleary her magic felt.
However, as Snow White's spawn, Emma had no patience and dived for her mouth with renewed strength almost knocking them both on the floor.
Well, as long as she was being so thoroughly kissed, Regina couldn't find a fuck to give.
Until something – or rather someone interrupted them with a yell of panic.
"Moms!" Her eyes winded and she retracted her tongue from Miss Swan's mouth after hearing that voice. Her son's voice.
She jumped off Emma's lap as if the woman was on fire (and she was, in a sense) and looked around to see her son's white as a sheet face.
Jesus Christ! What had she done?
"Oh thank God!"
Regina's shock was mirrored in Emma's face and both of them turned to look at each other after seeing her scarred prince with fearful eyes.
"Kid! That's- we- how?" Regina rolled her eyes to the woman she was kissing fiercely a second ago (only to partake in her son's lie, nothing more than that) inability to act like a normal human being.
Yes, Emma Swan could do better things with her mouth that did not involve talking.
(Maybe talking dirty, but that was not the time or place to amuse herself with those thoughts.)
"Hello, my little prince! I missed you so much!" She gave him her best smile but he was still staring from one to another with wide eyes.
Well, it looked like they broke their son.
While she looked at Henry with pleading eyes and a painful smile on her lips, the idiot was wrestling with her tunic like a lunatic.
After endless tries, the hopeless blonde managed to cover herself somewhat decently to Henry's endless amusement and Regina's unmatched mortification.
What in hell was she thinking when she decided to kiss that shameless woman?
"I'm okay, moms! I just-" He started and gave them both a very twisted smile for a thirteen years old boy. She locked eyes with the incapable blonde and glared fiercely at her; this was entirely the savior's and her doomed genes fault after all.
"I see you are all enjoying your accommodations quite well." The King personal guard's voice boomed behind Henry and his birth mother literally growled at him. "You see, Peter, your family is just alright. What do you say to leave them back to what they were doing?"
Oh but this man will meet pain like no one ever did!
"And Zelena? How's my daughter?" Her mother said from behind them and she shared a surprised look with the blonde.
These two conspirator creepers were way too silent while they were… They were doing what they were doing. Something was definitely wrong with that picture.
"She is alright, Miss Cora! Right now she is playing with Elsa and Anna so that's why she didn't come to visit." The three women arched their eyebrows at him. "Gee, I don't play with dolls, so I came here to see you guys instead." Like that little ginger devil would ever be innocently playing with dolls.
Perhaps voodoo dolls. That was more her style.
Her mother seemed to be okay with that and smiled thankfully at her son (and that sight warmed her silly heart so much). Miss Swan and her restless hand took her hand and squeezed a little and that was where Henry's gaze was fixed.
Of course it would be.
"So now we are all going out, right?" The blonde asked (and her hand was still very warm) and oh so very soft that everything that went some minutes ago came back-
"No, of course you are not!" The bastard said with a scowl and all her previous thoughts were gone in favor of a:
"Excuse me?!"
"Why the fuck not?" That could only be the crude blonde. Honestly, that woman was a lost cause.
"This is unacceptable to be held here without a reason!" Her mother, and if she was born in the Land Without Magic, Cora would definitely be a lawyer, said exasperated.
"First, for trying to harm Your Majesty, King Agdar, for kidnapping Princess Elsa, for verbally assaulting Your Majesty, Queen Idun, for attacking Captain Laurent Phillips and his men. Guards: Fitzgerald, Russell, Summers, Smith, Jensen, Campbell, Maguire, Stevenson, Matthews, Lawrence, Tr-"
"Okay, we get that, thank you." The pirate interrupted the man and the guard glared at her group.
Well, what could she say? They didn't seem to have a strong army, it was hardly her fault.
"Very well, so for these crimes you are going to spend another night here and thank your guardian angels because if it was me, I would have your heads before morning." Regina glared at the stupid man. As if.
"You are only standing over there because they caught my wife before she set you on fire, asshole, but I wouldn't push my luck if I were you." Yes, the blonde came to her rescue and she gave her a knowing smirk.
"Moms!" Henry whined again and they quickly let go of each others hands. No need to expend another dime on his therapy with all the money she will most definitely have to invest after the scene he just saw. After a minute or two (that her son spent smirking in conspiracy at both his mothers), Regina caught the unpleasant pirate grinning at her and made a disgusted face. Peasants. The awkward blonde by her side was a step from spraining her wrists with how much she clumsily twisted her hands. And her mother looked outraged as always. "Please let's just put this behind us! You will be getting out in some few hours, no need to extend that." Her mischievous son went on.
Well, Regina supposed he was right. Dungeons were not a place for a Queen like her after all.
"Whatever, kid! Nothing in this stupid list would have happened if they haven't accused us of kidnapping Elsa and tried to force us to confess a crime we didn't commit!" Regina nodded her head. Despite not being the brightest crayon in the box, the savior was ultimately right.
What if she burned some guards here and there? They tried to manhandle her first! And maybe trying to take the Captain's heart was a step too far, but he asked for it, the repulsive idiot!
And anyway, the rest was all by Miss Swan's account.
How could that woman still be breathing after almost beheading the King (it would have been very well deserved), hissed colorful obscenities at the Queen, broke a man's arm and knocked two unconscious was still a mystery. One she didn't want to overanalyze.
There was still her mother hitting men with the kingdom's flag and Hook stealing one of the noble's carriages and trying to will the horses to march right into the palace striking as many men as the three of them failed to attack.
But again, she did worse before and never had the misfortune of being locked like a criminal, so this was no excuse.
"How dare you, you stupid-"
Before that unfortunate man had the audacity to finish his sentence, Regina sent him flying to the other end of the dungeon. What a brainless fool!
"I will end you before you finish this sentence, you useless lumbering oaf." She snickered with barely contained rage, How dare him!
Of course, seeing as she was busy glaring deadly at the fallen imbecile, she failed to see Miss Swan's proud and juvenile smile. Which was good for the blonde.
They said nothing while the man was helping himself up with not enough pain as she would have liked but it was still something.
That was until the drunk pirate decided to shout.
"Hey! May I go another cell?" The man in distress growled a 'no' and her two female counterparts stared the handless bandit down. Regina couldn't bring herself to care so she focused on her son instead.
"Dear, are you alright? Are they treating you well? Because if they're not then-"
"Hey! It's everything okay, mom." He said smiling so much she didn't mind the interruption. They better. Until he leaned in his scheming way to tell something she probably wouldn't want to know. "I convinced them of our story so it's all good." She nodded because it was impossible to scold him right then. "And I know your magic may be a little off-" A little off didn't come close to it at all. "-but they are afraid of magic so that's why you guys are inside this cell, it's the only one that suppresses magic." She arched her eyebrow at him. "Well, it should suppress magic anyway." She sighed.
"I understand." And she truly did. Though she disliked the idea with a passion.
"And please, don't poof you guys out of here. They will break you free, I promise you. And if they don't, then I'll come and warn you and we'll run together, okay? I mean, we have the ball and grandmamma must meet grandpapa so we can't go yet." Yes, he was right and she was not surprised. He told her with a very mature face as if he knew she was a step from teleporting away. And she was.
"Okay." There was nothing else for her to say.
Both brunettes looked at the three people behind her discussing something that apparently Hook did wrong in his life. Nothing new with that. Mother and son rolled their eyes.
"And please, just keep Ma calm before she kills someone or get herself killed." Regina nodded her head faintly because that was a very high possibility. The blonde had this inane power to grant on everyone's nerves and she knew Henry would be devastated by the idea of losing his moronic birth mother and she would be sad for him. Only for him. Her son smiled at her. "So you must keep calm too, mom." His puppy eyes were her undoing.
"Very well." But that didn't mean she couldn't glare at the stupid guard, did it?
Henry beamed at her and she had to grin back. Not for the unfortunate situation she found herself in – the filthy dungeon was way worse than all the transgressions she committed and she had a very rich list – though, by reasons that escaped her mind, she was slightly amused by the outcome.
"Hey, I don't have to witness you and the Queen doing that, okay?" Immoral Hook sneered and she smiled wickedly at his jealous tone. What a shame for him!
"Are you sure you're not gay, Hook? Because lemme tell you that all of this is very worrying." Her smirk turned devilish after hearing that disturbed woman mocking the man. "First is the eyeliner and then all this tight leather, now you're telling me you are afraid of two women kissing?"
The addressed man just scowled at her.
"He can't be blamed for having decency unlike you." Her mother came to the man's rescue and she gave up on that debate after Miss Swan started her cussing show about having 'rights to touch her wife whenever she fucking wanted to'.
She should be afraid of hearing the blonde defend their façade with so much vigor; it was, after all, a lie. The truth was she just couldn't force herself to admonish her for that.
For reasons she wasn't ready to face. Regina was not going to let her mind go down that rabbit hole.
She also should reprimand the absurd blonde for acting like a mindless Neanderthal and objectifying her since they came to this regrettable trip.
She just chose not to.
Because honestly the brunette was just livid with such disrespectful language being barked in front of her son. It was unacceptable to imagine the depths of corruption this ludicrous woman must have caused on her growing prince in only a goddamn year!
However, when her mother snorted back with the same unwise strength, Regina just sighed and turned back to a happy Henry who found her misery very much enjoyable.
Then the pirate was back to the discussion and the three of them were all arguing about something as absurd as their existence.
"Mom, are you okay?"
"These are hardly the accommodations I would plan on having, but I suppose we will be." Her boy arched his eyebrow and she sighed. "Fine, I mean."
After that, her prince beamed with barely contained happiness and she felt an awkward presence lumbering behind her. So that explained his happy behavior.
And she would need to have a talk with Henry to set it all straight as soon as she got released from this hellhole. She couldn't have her boy trying to play match maker and misreading her feelings for his insufferable birth mother. It simply wouldn't do.
The only thing she felt for that cursed woman was hatred. Pure and plain.
And yes, she may have kissed that crude mouth of hers. And maybe she said her fair share of nonsense with her companion. Perhaps she pushed too far and even enjoyed almost tonguing the hellish savior to death. But well, nobody needed to know that and she could always tell herself that she was only horny.
It could be only about sex. Of course, it was only about sex! Having feelings for that train wreck of a woman was out of the books and simply absurd!
Never in a million years!
And that was it, Regina just needed to have sex.
(Problem was: with who?)
It would be simple enough to scratch that itch if she wasn't stuck in a fake relationship with that moron.
Because well, she had no qualms about sleeping with someone anytime she wanted. But she wasn't looking for being called a cheater by her son (everybody else could shove their opinions about her wherever they pleased, but not Henry).
Now, after the act they pulled, well, she was in a very unfortunate position already.
For one, she couldn't seem to shake herself free from these idiots screwing her plans. And two, Henry was the one who started this madness and now she was sure he believed he could be right.
(And analyzing how Miss Swan was invested in giving everyone a show of their inexistent attraction for each other, Regina was pretty much frightened of entertaining this nightmarish possibility.)
So, it left her backed in a corner: she couldn't simple go around acting on her urges to have sex and she would have to pretend to feel something (other than disgust) for the mentally challenged savior.
And for all the fucks she done in her years, that ought to be the worst punishment one could think of.
"Hey!" Her son's voice shook her out of her dreadful pity party and she focused on his sweet face. "I just wanna tell you that I love you, okay?" His smile was enough to lighten her life and as if she just didn't come to a sickening conclusion, Regina couldn't help but grin back and feel like it was all worth it.
Because it truly was. His appreciation and love were her ultimate goal and everything else was simply background.
"I love you, too, baby. So very much." She whispered in reply and, for a moment, his face looked younger and so vey naïve. Like every other day they spent playing in her yard that came with his silly confessions of love right after he broke something.
(Goddamn Miss Swan's clumsy genes!)
Their sweet moment was ended by the idiotic guard who grunted something and pulled her son away from her (with shouts of 'get your fucking paws away from him' that could only be said by one crude person, really.)
"Hey, everything will be okay and I'll come back tomorrow and we'll get out here, moms! No matter what, we'll always have each other!" Henry yelled back with a fearful smile after being ushered away by the monster. "I'll find you!" He said in between laughs just before the door closed and Regina sighed with dread.
At least he would be okay.
"Gee! That was cheesy as fuck! We have to watch the time the kid spend with David 'cause, between mom and dad, I have enough on my plate with this 'I'll always find you' nonsense." In a blink of an eye, there was Miss Swan stating the obvious because that was her real superpower.
"Mmn." The brunette simple hummed in response. After all, it was as clear as day nothing good would ever come out of her son's association with those idiots.
"Hey! You okay?" Never knowing when to shut up, Miss Swan had to keep her mouth running.
But now, after the day they all had, Regina felt drained in every possible way, so her only answer was a tired sigh that rewarded her with a blond eyebrow raised in question.
No, no matter what, the hooligan could never let her be.
"Yes, I suppose." Was all but a whisper that had the obnoxious savior stepping in front of her to stare at her face like the creeper she was.
Regina crossed her arms and huffed in response because, honestly, she didn't need another quasi-inspirational speech from a wannabe shrink when she spent years looking at the bug's concerned face. And most of all, not from her.
Besides, Miss Swan couldn't give a speech if her life depended on it, so no use trying to relate, or understand or whatever her forsaken family called their nosiness.
Thank God she stopped there and didn't channel her inner Snow White or lord help them all if Regina wouldn't bring this disgusting place down in flames.
The garish blonde nodded her head and opened her arms making the brunette roll her eyes at that truly idiotic invitation. As idiot as the improper woman.
(Though she walked into the embrace for whatever curse someone placed upon her that was messing with her mind.)
And it felt…
Good.
Even when the person hugging her was rough around the edges and had a very unbecoming personality, her embrace was somewhat sweet.
Maybe because she was a woman with curves and breasts and her mop of a hair also smelled nice and didn't have a scruffy beard or broad chest or callous hands and bizarre tattoos and meddling fairies or fairy dust and-
Her train of thought was interrupted by a kiss on her temple that left her squeezing her eyes shut and blocking thoughts or how good it felt to be in that position.
The background noise was still the pirate's snort and her mother's scheming voice badmouthing the very same distressed savior she was holding, but when she put her chin on her spot on Emma's shoulder, there was no denying the comfortable and content sigh coming from her.
"You think so?" Her fake wife asked with a fear note on her voice and Regina found herself staring at her stormy green eyes full of emotions she couldn't name. And wasn't ready to consider.
Of course, never in a million years she would have thought of sharing a jail cell with such enthralling company; from a pirate she despised to a mother she feared and the unreasonable daughter of her arch-nemesis, Regina could say that her predicament wasn't ideal.
Though when she found herself in Miss Swan's arms she could not find in herself to regret anything.
"I know so." She said before snuggling into the hug (only because Miss Swan seemed to need it) and whispered back.
She couldn't see the other woman's face but she could bet her magic she was smiling.
And for all that's holy, she felt younger and alive imagining that she was the cause of that smile.
Jesus! This fake marriage was about to give her a stroke, she was sure of it.
"I trust you." Was whispered on her ear right before paws squeezed her a little and a breath was sucked with enough force to give tingles on her skin.
(And for about a second, she decided that she wouldn't mind faking a relationship with this insufferable idiot who could make her go from zero to hero in the spare of a minute.)
Goddamn this woman and her boyish grins and loathsome hugs with the uncanny ability to make her feel everything at once.
She should have killed Snow fucking White before she gave birth to such stupid progeny. That woman had no qualms to destroy Regina's life over and over again.
And that will be the first thing she'll do as soon as they got back from this ungodly trip. Oh but you can bet!
And she'll kill this absurd pirate and her mother because it's better be safe than sorry. Maybe she can cast a new curse and be done with-
"Hey! What happened earlier, you know…" The troublesome woman was talking. Again. Regina sighed. Trust this chatterbox the inability to form proper sentences without sounding like a mental patient out of medication. "I liked it." Blonde idiot finished and before the ex-Evil Queen could fly her to the moon, the bars, hell, or whatever place that was distant enough from her body, the hug turned needy and desperate. She glared at the moron, so much for peace. "Just so you know."
"Mmn." Of course she wouldn't say she liked that, too, not now and not ever.
Besides, she didn't like it.
Really didn't.
And there was no use in lying to her because Henry wasn't there and her mother and the pirate were cooking revenge against Elsa's parents for whatever reason they deemed worth.
Probably no reason at all. Just their mutual need to kill people to pass time.
"Er, do you think-" As soon as she heard that blabbering mouth, Regina untangled herself from the embrace to glare at the woman who was never introduced to silence. And boy, that glare would make hell look like a cold place. The bane of her existence cleared her throat, probably ashamed of her lack of talking skills. "I mean, we should do it again."
Her eyebrow was cocked skyward. The fool gulped.
"And you think that because…"
(She will deny until her demise, but the blonde's flustered face was a sight to be seen.)
Because Regina loved to make her suffer in every possible way.
"They are not convinced." Miss Swan motioned with her head and she turned to look at the psychopaths behind her to check the woman's answer. "They don't believe us." And they shouldn't because it was all a lie. But honestly, the two of them were still planning to kill the monarchs as soon as they were released if Hook's 'We'll just break in their chambers and stab them in the middle of the night before we run away' was anything to go by. She turned back to the fool with her eyebrow still raised because yes, the woman must have heard that (the assassin duo would have been heard by the whole castle if they weren't locked in a stone cell several feet down with torture equipments that could only mean the walls must be very thick to drown the prisoners wailing and yells of pain. Somehow neither the handicapped pirate nor her mother were gifted with subtlety). And her embarrassed face meant that yes, the blonde heard that alright.
"They don't look like they care about our relationship status, dear." She smirked at the woman because she knew the two of them from several inopportune years: and if there was no blood bath to be shed, no heart to be crushed and no gore to paint the walls; there simply would be no interest whatsoever.
The pirate and Cora were that simple.
And before she could analyze the depths of their psychotic behavior, she heard a loud huff and came face to face with a marching savior with a determined expression who stopped an inch from her with a grimace.
This woman was plain mad!
And Regina deserved the Nobel for letting them all live.
(Nothing would ever spell good deed more than not killing these three psycho fools on this trip from hell. Christ! Her attempt at redemption could only go so far.)
"I say we should try harder." Well, wasn't the blonde a female version of Casanova? "You know, they are probably thinking it was a fluke or whatever." Miss Swan finished with a roll of her eyes and Regina stared at her in confusion. Who cares about what they think anyway? "So we'll try harder until they believe we are sickeningly in love." Though they weren't.
(And still her foolish heart started a riot inside her chest. Christ almighty! She needed a cardiologist because there must something wrong with her!)
"Miss Swan-" Before she could reprimand the blonde's ridiculous plan or train of thought (because really, the dreadful pirate and sick mother couldn't care less about their little lie and Henry was nowhere to be found – and he should never witness that again! Only because it would never happen again!), the crazy woman embraced her waist – and she yelped in surprise.
"So may I kiss you now, babe?" It was a whisper that rang on her head like a shout.
That answer was simple: no.
No.
No!
"Yes…"
What?!
So that was how Regina found herself in another kissing contest with her arch-nemesis' spawn. Though this one was somehow sweet and slower with less wandering hands and just tentative licks to deepen the connection.
It wasn't rough.
It was…
Good.
"Oh my God! Not again!"
And when she finally let the savior's witty tongue inside her mouth every noise faded.
Even the ones inside her head whispering questions like 'how?', 'why?' and 'she was supposed to say no so why did her mouth say yes?'. And she would need to have a talk with the blonde because those pet names were preposterous. She, Regina Mills, the former Evil Queen, wasn't someone's babe. What was that? A bad porn pick up line?
But here she was Dianna Parker (and they'll need to remember that because she can't help herself from referring to the idiot as Miss Swan and Henry had to make a joke with Spiderman so it was all a crazy mess), a fair ruler married to a jealous knight who had the disease of keeping her foot inside her mouth.
And she was kissing her wife passionately like only two people in love could.
(She could do a lot of things and could name every skill she had, but acting ability was nowhere on the list.)
And God help her if the lines weren't getting blurred by every passing second!
But still, Miss Swan didn't give a damn (most probably because she lacked the brain cells to do so), then why would she?
She could always share said dalliance with the Charmings in colorful detail, every swipe of tongue on hers, every single moan and guttural groan and how she could make their chaotic offspring a wild hot mess with just a smirk. Oh the tears they would both shed!
(And she wouldn't need to lie to do that.)
She smiled into the kiss and Miss Swan opened her dark green eyes with dilated and lust induced pupils to spare a concerned and confused glance.
"A-are you okay?" It was husky and raw and Regina was fucking tired of hearing that question and yes, she was pretty much okay. More or less.
And horny.
(The shiver running down her spine was more than uncalled for.)
"Just kiss me harder. Make it count." She whispered back and the blonde did just that; she kissed Regina like she never wanted anything else in her cursed life; like nothing else mattered and they were alone in the world (which was odd because they were keeping this show for the psychotic duo, after all); like the brunette was about to disappear anytime soon; like she needed to map every corner of her mouth with her tongue; like she would never have a chance to do it again. Like Regina was everything she wanted and more.
And the brunette gave just as good as she got. She was hell bent on winning that one. Whatever that was.
(Though it broke her heart to be kissed like that, for one reason or another, it felt too sad and desperate and nothing like them.
Then again, in real world, they wouldn't be kissing.)
Still she turned the kiss around and slowed their tongue battle to the sweetest pace she could manage.
Because they were a married couple in love and should act like that, of course.
Until Miss Swan broke into a smile and kissed happily with one arm on her back and her palm on her cheek making a humming sound on her throat that almost made Regina slap some maturity into her head.
What a crazy savior they were given…
(Instead she smiled into the kiss mirroring her unbalanced companion and hugged the odd woman's neck like a teenager on a ball and trust her loony somewhat enemy, they started to sway to the blonde's tune.)
It ended a few seconds after that because her lungs were burning and Regina's heart was about to jump out of her throat. It was galloping so much she almost took it out for fear of having a cardiac arrest (dying from a heart attack after crushing so many hearts was a joke bad enough to actually happen to her).
She opened her eyes to see the idiot staring at her with a shy smile and playful eyes that made her frown. Surely she was the one who went crazy because someone as crass as Miss Swan couldn't be really looking at her like that.
Though she was and before Regina could ask if she was having a stroke, the bipolar blonde rested her forehead on hers and inhaled deep, with eyes closed, a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist.
This day was getting stranger and stranger.
To own her part of the deal, Regina kissed that ridiculous chin of hers and the blonde looked confused for a while before hugging her waist with both hands with a mischievous smile (and that was where Henry got his trick from, of course it would be) and turned her around like a teenager to Regina's utmost surprise.
(She couldn't help her yelp. Miss Swan definitely lost her last grasp of mind.)
"Emma, what-" She tried to scold the woman as soon as she was back on the floor because, seriously, what was that? Some Nicholas Sparks sappy novel?
But the mad woman kissed her quiet and she decided to let that one go. It was too out of character to analyze anyway.
However that part, she decided, wouldn't be shared with Snow White.
(There was no way in hell she would tell her nemesis how her mentally ill daughter could make her feel like a young girl with a crush.
The only tears that would fall from this confession would be hers. And she was not going there. Not again.)
But the sex, if that happened… Oh! It would be so explicitly explained they would inspire porn movies all around.
Maybe she should make a sex tape and send it to her despicable former step-daughter. Or use her magic mirror.
Not that she was planning to fuck Emma Swan, of course not!
But if that ever happens (which totally won't, she just like to plan things ahead, that's all), at least she would gain something out of this disgusting set up. That would be a way to crush the spoiled little princess' heart without doing it physically.
(And by the way she found herself backed up against the cell with one savior kissing her like a woman on a mission, she truly wished they could start working on the blonde's kinky fantasy that included jail cells and angry sex right away. It was just sex, after all.)
Not that she would share the view with the disgusting pirate. Not ever.
However putting on a show so he'll know that Emma was out of his repulsive league would hurt no one.
Only him. But fuck if she cared.
"Jesus!" The blonde exclaimed before Regina decided to put the show on the road and bit the blonde's neck hard enough to leave a mark while her nails scratched Miss Swan's back like a modern mosaic. Not that her fake wife could ever complain, by the looks of it – the woman was pushing her so hard against the cell bars that she could fell it all shaking more than when said idiot tried to bend them with sheer force.
(And the laws of physics kept her still inside of the cell even when Emma was desperately trying to push her out of the cage in need.)
There were two hands harassing her corset in vain and a leg between hers. And fucking Christ, she needed clothes off!
Two loud snorts were heard from behind them and she smirked to herself for a moment before letting go of Miss Swan's mouth with a teasing bite on her lower lip and moved her mouth to the other woman's ear.
"Do you believe they are still thinking we are faking it?" Her voice was deeper, she knew that because she had a nice pair of ears. Even if she didn't, a moan escaped Emma's mouth after hearing her and she couldn't help but like that sound.
When the blonde opened her eyes to look at her a wave of desire rocked her body and for a moment she just knew that that wasn't for show. Not with the way she was being stared at in a wild trance or how Emma was strangling the bars to keep her hand off of her.
Not with the way Regina hoped she had those hands squeezing her body instead.
(That was not a good sign.)
"Yes…" Was a low whisper and the brunette stared at her mouth for some good seconds not knowing if Miss Swan was answering her question or reading her mind. And that was simply impossible, really. There was no such thing as mind reading, she was sure of it.
But with the way that unruly woman was looking at her now… All bets were off.
"Jesus Christ! Can't the two of you keep your hands to yourselves? This is beyond ridiculous!" Her mother shouted and Miss Swan rolled her eyes in annoyance.
"You don't need to fucking flaunt this in front of us!" The pirate parroted in a disgusted way that had the blonde gritting her teeth in anger.
Regina smirked. Just that.
"You see, it's very hard for me to keep my hands to myself when they can have a better use all over my wife's body." She said with a mad smirk that made her fake wife look surprised and confused.
She would have been surprised too if she took another second to come to terms with the craziness she just said.
Instead she dived at Emma's mouth and the blonde's moan drowned the unhappy psycho pair snorts of anger.
She changed their positions and pushed the blonde against the bars without breaking their bruising kiss.
(The blonde was more than happy with that and had no problem to moan in agreement.)
Regina smirked in response; it would serve the pirate right. There was no way in hell Emma would ever go back to flirting with that despicable brute.
And to prove her point (or just because she was dying to touch the woman's skin), she let her hands travel from the blonde's stomach to her ribs and up until Emma was groaning, squeezing her ass and dry humping her leg.
Go big or go home, they say.
(Not that it made any sense anyway. She couldn't go bigger and going home was also not an option.)
She found herself pulling blonde mane in a way that should hurt and it probably did but her nemesis was so into her that Regina felt faint. To have someone so invested and so vocal about wanting her was truly getting her out of control.
And then there was their plan.
After all, her mother's fine sense of decency was exactly what she wanted to offend. As deeply as utterly possible.
They were achieving that alright (more than alright, actually) until she closed her fists around the bars for fear of going to rough on the blonde (and she would deny that, absolutely) and the air was knocked out of her lungs and she fell forward in a panic rush that only stopped once she felt Miss Swan's arms around her just before everything went black.