A/N: This is, perhaps, the hardest relationship of them all…
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HAWKES – THE SEA
The sea, with changing reflects, like rain itself
I can't figure you out, man. And that always makes me feel unsure around you. Well, that and the fact that you're a fucking genius. Few people can make me feel as self-conscious as you do… ok, actually, you make me feel like an idiot, but damned if I'd ever admit that to you or to anyone else.
Funny thing is, I admire you. I admire the devotion you feel towards your work, and the compassion you feel towards those in need. I admire the way you never loose sight of what you want, and how you've managed to stay true to yourself despite everything else around you. I also admire that you're not afraid to try out new things, even if you're not sure you'd excel at them.
I know we've not always seen things the same way; more often than not, we but heads because we can't seem to even agree to disagree. I remember the first case we worked together, I wasn't sure you actually belonged out there. When you wiped out your card and gave it to the grieving mother, I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't decide if you were too involved or too stupid, and I let you know about it. Of course, you had to turn it around and call my bluff and relate to my being jealous about you stepping into what I consider my turf. I ain't accepting or denying anything.
When it comes to us, it's always the science vs. gut cop endless debate. Take the psycho magician case, for example. I was trying to be nice. Notice the emphasis on "trying". Small talk, I mean, how difficult can it be to have small talk with you? Houdini seemed like an obvious choice given where we were. All you had to do was say "Oh, really?" or "I don't think so" and be done with it. But you had to question my choice of small talk. And not happy with that, you failed to notice the sarcastic joke (okay, okay, more sarcasm than joke… whatever…) attempt with the whole DNA and RNA. I swear that if our suspect hadn't come out just then and you had started trying to explain the difference I would have decked you. Really.
But I know that, deep down, we not only respect each other, but also care for each other. I wouldn't go as far as calling you a friend, not like I'd call Danny or Stella, but you're not in the level of acquaintance, and calling you a coworker just seems too cold.
How do you go about calling a person that subtly tells you they're glad you're alive after facing an Irish mobster's wrong side of the barrel, or try to comfort you and your guilty conscience by telling you that you were just doing your job?
Or how do you explain that sinking feeling in your gut when you hear there's been an accident and the person you respect and care for, but won't go as far as calling friend, has been hurt in a diving accident? How do you justify driving there as if the devil was chasing behind you, not trusting the reports you were getting over the radio, but having to see with your own eyes that he was doing fine?
We're family… sort of. We're closer than my own family, that's for sure, and I'm sure I'm as proud of your achievements as your parents are, maybe even more, as I'm not sure they totally understood you wanting to stop working with the living to start helping the dead…
But I do know that you're not static, and our relationship, whatever name you want to tag on it, isn't either. It's more like the sea, really. Cause even when it seems calm and quite on the surface, you always know deep down there's undercurrents flowing and shifting and forever moving around one another, sometimes in the same direction, sometimes against each other, but always together, nonetheless.
Just like you and me.
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"La Mer" by Charles Trenet is a lovely French song… perhaps you know it better as "Beyond the Sea"… but it gave me the idea of change and movement and being ill at ease…