Chapter Two - Still The Same Envelope

She closed the door, turned around and instantly spotted the envelope. It was still in the same spot where she had put it those few days ago, after Tony had given it to her with much ado. She had been touched by the pride in his eyes upon handing over the invitation to his commencement. Of course he wanted her to be there, but she wasn't sure whether she would be able to make it. She had told him that her agenda was tight, that she had to check whether she had time to come; but of course that was only a pretext. She actually had an appointment with a potential client that particular day, one which had been scheduled many weeks ago, but it could easily be postponed. And if she was honest with herself, she would admit that she'd even risk losing a client just to be able to watch Tony being handed his college degree. She would, if only things weren't so complicated between them at the moment. At the moment she preferred to stay away from him, and the mere fact that she felt this way tore her heart apart.

She sighed, put her heavy briefcase on the little bench next to the front door and hung her coat up the rack. When she turned her back to the secretaire the envelope was placed on, she could almost feel its presence physically. She knew it was cruel to keep him guessing whether she would attend or not, but she was still not sure whether she could bring herself to go there. She approached the antique piece of furniture, stood still in front of it and stared at the envelope as if it was a rattle snake, threatening to attack her. Angela was so deep in thought that she didn't notice her mother tiptoeing through the living room.

"Go ahead, touch it," Mona hissed over her daughter's shoulder from behind, "it won't bite you!"

Angela startled. "Mother! Do you want me to get a heart attack? Can't you make your presence felt with a little more subtlety?"

"No! It's much more fun this way," she answered with a wide grin. Mona scrutinized Angela. She had an idea what her current edgy mood was all about, for she had also noticed that Tony's envelope hadn't been touched for days. "Angela, what is it with you and Tony's graduation ceremony? When will you release poor Tony and tell him you're going to attend?"

"Poor Tony?"

"Yes, poor Tony! He's desperately waiting for an answer."

"I'll tell him when I know whether I want to attend," Angela answered matter-of-factly.

"When you know? Why wouldn't you know?"

Angela wasn't really comfortable talking to her mother about it, she wasn't comfortable talking about it at all. She took the few steps to the couch and let herself fall powerlessly onto it. Because she didn't show any indication to answer her mother, Mona probed with more determination.

"Spit it out, Missy! Why on earth wouldn't you want to share Tony's big day? You were the one who made him go to college in the first place!"

Angela hesitated, but then realized that there was no use in further denying. She might as well tell her mother. Maybe talking about it would ease her mind.

"She will be there," was all that came out of her mouth though.

"She?" Mona shrugged. "You mean Kathleen?"

"No, Mother, the Queen of Sheba!"

Mona ignored Angela's sarcastic remark and went on interrogating. "What does she have to do with you going or not going?" She earnestly didn't understand. Of course she knew that Kathleen was like a red rag to Angela, she herself had been the first one to tell that Tony hadn't spent the night in his own bed just by looking at him. But that Angela could be missing Tony's commencement because of her sounded absurd.

"She will be there, ... with him!" Angela further elaborated, but still stared into an uncomprehending pair of eyes.

"So?"

"So, ... " Angela bit her lower lip. She wasn't a person who could talk about her emotions easily, not even to her mother. She was not in control, and she hated it. It made her vulnerable and weak, a condition Angela loathed to be in. But now that she had already started the conversation, she might as well let it all out. She knew that despite her constant nagging and teasing, her mother loved her and would always stand behind her to catch her if she fell. "It hurts to see them together, Mother," she finally admitted, her trembling voice not much more than a whisper.

"I wondered when you would finally surrender, Dear. I thought you were a masochist, allowing them to make out on your couch."

"He lives here, Mother. I can't forbid him to bring his girlfriend into the house."

"Be that as it may, but that doesn't mean he has to rub his geeky relationship directly under your nose!" Mona became exasperated with Tony's thoughtlessness. "I always knew that you were a strong woman, Angela, but the dignity and self-command you're handling this with really impresses me. I think I would've slapped the man in the face every time I saw him, if something like this had ever happened to me," she further admitted.

"He isn't doing this out of disrespect for me, Mother, or to humiliate me. I think he needs this to put our relationship to the test. If we can go through this, we can go through almost anything."

"Oh, stop being so noble, Angela! The only person I see going through something, is you! So if you want this over and done with, you've got to fight. Don't wait until Tony comes to his senses by himself. This girl is playing hardball, don't leave the battlefield to her. You've already handled so many encounters with her, why are you so afraid about this one?"

"Because this is their day, don't you see that, Mother? They will both be there, celebrating their graduation. Something they accomplished together."

"That might be true, but don't you see that Tony wants you - and only you! - to celebrate with him? Don't you know that he has struggled through college just for you, Angela?"

Angela stared at her mother uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you think he started to go to college after all, huh?"

"Because getting a college degree has always been a dream of his. He dropped out of school for his baseball career and regretted it later. Then he felt he had the chance to right this mistake."

"Wrong!"

Angela shook her head and frowned.

"Angela, he went to college just for you! Don't you know? Think back to the time when he attended one of your evening classes. It was just the same. He wanted to be able to talk about advertising with you at eye level. He wanted to share your enthusiasm about marketing. He desperately tries to equal you, in order to cut quite a figure at your side."

"But then why did he get involved with someone else only months before he graduates? I don't understand, Mother. One moment, he tells me that after his graduation he'd be able to decide about us, and the next moment he informs me that he's dating another woman."

Mona only shrugged and threw her hands up in the air. "Men! A species which does dumb things once in a while. To me it seems like some kind of stupid displacement activity, to be honest. He's unable to deal with the situation." Mona laid both her hands on Angela's shoulders and looked her right in the eye. "But the fact is, he just wants you to be proud of him."

"But I am proud of him!"

"Then show him with going to his commencement!" Mona insisted. "If you miss your best friend's most important day, it will harm your relationship forever, whatever will come out of it eventually - friendship or romance. Listen to your wise, old mother and think about it." Mona noticed that her words had gotten Angela's thoughts going. She could literally see them scurrying around behind her forehead. And that was all she had tried to achieve. She cupped Angela's face and lifted it, so that she wouldn't be able to avoid her motherly eyes. "You still have three more days to make a decision, Sweetheart. But don't let Kathleen take Tony away from you. If you don't go there, you're practically pushing him into her arms. But that's not where he belongs, ..."

Angela's eyes started filling with tears. If felt good to have her mother as a confidante in this, and she had made her think. "Wise, old mother?" Angela repeated and couldn't prevent a mocking grin.

"I warn you! Don't ever tell anybody I called myself 'old'!" But then she also smiled and continued in an affectionate tone. "I know you'll make the right decision, Angela. You've always been gutsy in fighting for your share of happiness. As a teenager, you went up to the boy you adored, your head held up high, and you asked him right in the face whether he would take you to the prom. You kneeled down in front of Michael and proposed to him, because the jerk was too chicken to ask you. And I know you can do this Angela, because for the man you love, you can do anything."

"Thank you, Mother, for your support. But things are a little different this time, I'm afraid. I don't know whether I'm able to take the first step this time. I'm not strong enough to bear another rejection. Tony has to find out himself who he wants to be with. Anyway, I haven't been very successful so far with my tactic of making choices for the men I want. This boy, his name was Jason McFarlane by the way, never invited me to the prom. And Michael was only able to take ten years of being married to me. So maybe this time I should leave the decision to the man."

"Whatever you say, Dear." Mona caressed her daughter's cheek and gifted her a tender, motherly smile.

What Angela didn't tell her mother anything about was the fear which slowly but evermore insistently crept up her spine, driving her crazy - the fear to eventually lose Tony for good. Two weeks after his commencement he would start working as a teacher, which meant he wouldn't be in need of his job as a housekeeper anymore. She herself had helped him to get the job, had edited his resumé and had geared him up for the job interview. They had even had a glass of champagne together to celebrate that he had gotten the job. It had been one of the rare moments when the atmosphere between them had almost been like it used to be - easy and cordial. But now she often asked herself whether he would leave her house once he quitted working for her. She knew he was a proud man, he would never agree to stay without consideration. She could offer him to stay as a tenant at a favorable rent, but was sure he would likewise refuse. Apart from that, the mere thought of having Kathleen - or any other future girlfriend - going in and out of her house at will disturbed her a lot. It would eventually kill her to live together with Tony as if he was just a regular housemate. The only thing which had made her undergo having him so near but yet so far away at the same time in the past, had been the prospect of being allowed to openly love him one day. If that prospect didn't exist anymore, watching him dating other women would be torture. No, maybe it was best if he moved out. But then again, a life entirely without Tony seemed dreadful and almost impossible. Her musings made her shiver.

Mona noticed the distraught look on Angela's face and the sadness in her eyes. "Is there anything else you want to tell me, Angela?"

"No," Angela answered short and crisp. She knew that talking about it would stir her up too much.

Mona squeezed Angela and threw her an earnest look. "You know that you can talk to me about anything, don't you, Dear?"

"Yes, I know, Mother. There's nothing more to talk about. Everything's been said."

"If you say so," Mona replied, a bit disappointed. She didn't believe her but knew that it was no use in further closing in on her. So she got up from the couch, threw another glance at the envelope on the secretaire, and left the living room through the back door. She left behind a confused, troubled and insecure Angela, who had never felt so desperate and helpless in her entire life.