[[Life got in the way but I'm back and I want to write more of this story. Thanks to my reviewers/followers. Please R&R, I appreciate it.]]
From then on, I sought out alone time whenever I could. I still felt ashamed every time I did it. I stayed up late so that I could think about him when the others were asleep and wouldn't hear me moaning. Shigure began having weekly lunches with Hatori on Wednesdays. So on Wednesdays, I ran home from school on my lunch breaks and thought about him.
Eventually I started thinking about other things than just what he said to me on New Year's. I started thinking about what his body would look like. I imagined him to be very big there. But not as big as he ended up being.
Now in the shower, I stared back at him. He was looking at me hungrily. He had just had me and it seemed like he already wanted me again. I looked away quickly.
When I did so, he snapped out of it. "Anyway, let's get you cleaned up, shall we?" he asked, his voice warm again. I nodded weakly. He then suddenly pressed me against the wall. I inhaled sharply. My mind said, 'No, please, not again' but my lips couldn't say the words.
I didn't need to. Luckily. He pressed me against the wall and took the shower head down, aiming it at my bloody opening. He then let go of me and used that hand to clean me.
Thankfully, at least then, he was being gentle. His fingers inside me, washing me, actually felt a little good, though the area still hurt overall. But why couldn't he have been this nice to me during the sex? Why? This was how I always fantasized about it, sweet and loving. Like he was. Or like I thought he was.
"Tohru, listen...I know that-" he began after a few moments of silence, but then we both heard a loud knock on the door. Not the bathroom door but the front door of his apartment. The knock was loud enough and the apartment was small enough that it startled both of us. "Oh, dear, that must be Gure-san! I completely forgot! I told him I'd attend that play with him tonight. Well, actually, I insisted that he attend it with -me-, ahaha, but anyway, he's expecting me and he's certainly not expecting -you- here..."
"T-that's okay! Um...you can just go get ready and I'll stay here and finish cleaning up! It's no problem at all! Okay?!" I asked desperately, relieved that he had another engagement, hoping that he would just leave already. During all the time I'd known him, a lot of people always just wanted him to leave, to go away, to scram. But I never thought I'd be one of them. At the moment though all I wanted was to be alone. Even when he was being gentle and acting like himself, I couldn't stand to look at him.
"Are you sure? I can stand him up. I've done so before, and I can do it again!"
"No, no, really, it's fine! It's fine! Go see the play. Have a good time, okay?! We'll talk later. It's fine! I promise!" I felt like if he didn't agree and if he didn't get out of the shower, I was going to break down and cry again. Any second now.
He looked unconvinced. Protective of me. Like I was injured and he thought he should stay by my side. But eventually he nodded. "All right, if you're certain. I'll leave some money on the dresser-drawer in case you want to order dinner for yourself...oh! And Mine will probably be here in about an hour to stock up for tomorrow, so if you need anything. She could drive you home or-"
"No, no, I'll just catch a bus! It's fine!" Just get out. Please. Before I cry again.
"If you want though, you can stay here and sleep over! I'll be back around eleven, and we could have an old-fashioned slumber party, oh, yes, what fun we could have! I could bring home candy, and we could braid each other's hair, and watch corny movies, and...other things, of course." The smirk on his face sent my heart slamming against my rib cage again.
"No, no, I-I think I should just go home. I, um...I don't like lying to Shigure about where I've been." Which was true, but I -had- planned that night to tell him I was sleeping over at Uo's. If things had been different, if I had liked the sex, if I wanted more, or if I wanted to just stay and sleep as close I could get to the man I loved.
Ayame looked skeptical at my explanation. Raised an eyebrow. "Hmm, well, then I suppose we'll have to tell him soon enough that our once childlike and innocent love affair has most certainly progressed! Because you -will- be sleeping over at my place soon. And often. Won't you, darling?"
"Of course, of course! But just not tonight, okay?" Knock knock knock. "Oh, you really should go! He's going to get impatient if you keep him waiting any longer!"
A nod. And then he leaned forward and placed a kiss on my lips. I stood rigid as he kissed me, I didn't kiss him back really, just a little so he wouldn't get too suspicious. It was the first kiss between us that I didn't enjoy. I think he could tell, I think he could tell that things weren't right. He was very intelligent after all. Then again, he was famously oblivious, so maybe he didn't know how badly I was hurting, how scared of him I was then, how heartbroken.
"All right, all right, I should go, but my princess...thank you," he said. "Tonight was perfect,. Just like you."
I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Um, t-thank you too. I...I..." Knock knock knock!
Ayame rolled his eyes at Shigure's persistence. But then he finally got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself. He left the bathroom, and from inside the shower I could hear him opening the door to Shigure.
I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other exactly but they were engaging in their usual merry chatter. It sounded so warm and comforting and familiar. Ayame and Shigure. They were both so nice to me. Shigure welcomed me into his home and Ayame welcomed me into his heart. And together, they were so funny and cute.
How much I wanted to be out there with them. Back to normal. Watching them flirt and joke around. Watching Ayame act so carefree and lighthearted. Before I knew the real darkness within. I wondered then if Shigure knew. How much did he know about his best friend? Did he know what things he was capable of?
The more I thought about it the more convinced I became that Ayame had raped me. Because I had told him to stop. And he just told me to shut up and enjoy it. And when I told him it hurt, he told me it was supposed to. Maybe it was supposed to, but I had the feeling then that what I fantasized about was sex and what I had experienced was something else.
Did Shigure know his best friend was capable of raping a sixteen-year-old girl?
After a few minutes, I heard laughter, loud laughter, Ayame's laughter. Then the closing of the front door, the fading sound of their friendly conversation. They would have a great time tonight. And I would be here. Broken.
For a good half hour, I stayed in the shower. Ridding myself of fluids: my blood, my tears, his semen. I probably could have stayed in there for three days and still not felt clean. I wondered if I'd ever really feel clean again.
When I got out of the shower, I headed to the bedroom to tidy up, like I promised. My hands shook as I took the bloody sheets off Ayame's bed and set them aside. I knew he wanted to keep them, preserve them. I felt like I could throw up at the thought of such a shrine. I wanted to burn the sheets but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me.
I decided to change back into the clothes that I wore before he tore them off. The last outfit I'd ever wear during the time when I was still me, and he was still him, and the world was still innocent, and sex was still just a wonderful romantic possibility. The very last outfit. It was a simple blue top, patterned with yellow daisies. A jean skirt. And cotton underwear with strawberries on them.
It wasn't what I planned to wear on the night that I would lose my virginity. As shameful as I knew it was, I planned to wear something "sexy" that night. I had it all planned out. I would ask Ayame to dinner, a fancy dinner, something really nice. I would have saved up enough from my job to pay for both of us. Then I'd ask him to go with me to this bed and breakfast on the outskirts of town. He would know what I wanted, he would know I was finally ready.
And the whole time, I would be wearing something so not me, something red, something low-cut. A thong underneath. I would have brought condoms. I would be ready, in every way.
But that's not how it happened at all. That night took me by complete surprise.
"Boss? I see the sailor suits behind the curtain downstairs, but where are the new nurse uniforms?" I was in the middle of changing, and then it happened. Miss Kuramae waltzed right into Ayame's apartment. "Tohru?!"
[[To be continued. Please review. Do you guys think Ayame raped Tohru? Do you think he knows he did or do you think he's oblivious? I'd like to hear what you think.]]