((Some more people are following this story now so I thought I'd update. Please review, it'd be appreciated. Thank you.))

The time came when I had to meet with Akito. I hadn't told anyone where I was going, I hated lying to them all yet again, and I hated that it was becoming such a bad habit for me. But I couldn't worry them. I didn't want them to take time out of their busy schedules just to accompany me to the Main House. I didn't want to bother anyone.

It was the day after the incident. Yuki had come into my room early. He had made breakfast and brought it to me in bed. "Miss Honda, can I come in?" he asked after knocking on my door with the gentle, polite knocks that could only belong to his hands. His voice and knocks had woken me up but of course I told him he could come in. I hadn't really been sleeping anyway, not really.

I had tried to go to sleep, to wash away the events of the night in beautiful unconscious blackness, but nothing worked. Ayame's face once haunted my dreams and now it haunted my nightmares. Every time I had fallen asleep, I woke up about an hour or two later, sweating, afraid. I didn't remember in detail each nightmare I had during those shaky eight hours but there was a general feeling of fear all over me every time I awoke. Fear. And shame. Regret.

And maybe most sickening of all, I already missed him. There were signs of him everywhere in my room, signs that only now stuck out to me. Like when I was changing into my pajamas after arriving home, I noticed that almost every pair I had now were ones that were made by him. When I brushed my teeth, I paid particular attention to the soap dispenser by my sink: shaped like a snake and filled with iris-scented soap. He had gotten that for me a while back. On my bed was a stuffed animal he won for me at the fair.

The list went on and on. I couldn't escape him. He dominated my room just as he had my body that night, and my heart for much longer. And I couldn't believe that I missed him but I did. Maybe not the "him" that I had been with that night but the "real" him...or at least my idea of the "real" him. It's embarrassing to admit but several times that night, when I had awoken from my nightmares, I wanted nothing more than for him to be there with me. I almost called him and asked him to come over.

There had been one night when we had slept in the same bed, even though of course nothing sexual had happened. To the best of my knowledge, at least. Now I wasn't sure what to think, it seemed entirely possible that he touched me in my sleep without me knowing it, I hoped not but now it wouldn't surprise me if he did. But anyway, if things were actually the way I thought they were, we had slept in the same bed and everything had been innocent. Romantic. We had watched movies and he eventually fell asleep during the third one. I remember it even now, how he looked when he was sleeping next to me like that. His head had fallen on my shoulder and I had looked over with surprise at his face, his eyes closed, his long black eyelashes very noticeable against his pale skin, his hand cutely gripped on my sleeve. He looked so childlike then, so vulnerable. I think it was at that moment that I realized I really loved him, that my feelings the serious kind, maybe even the kind that would never go away.

It was either at that moment, or a bit later on that night, after I had too had fallen asleep but woken up from a nightmare. I get nightmares a lot, unfortunately, especially on thunderous nights, and that night it had been storming like crazy. Usually my nightmares are about my mom's death. That night, it was no different. I had woken up in a sweat, and with tears in my eyes. My loud gasp must have woken Ayame immediately because only a second later, he had wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could without our chests touching. He weaved his elegant fingers through my hair tenderly.

"Tohru, Tohru...what's the matter? Did you have a bad dream?" he asked, his voice unusually quiet.

"Oh, um, y-yes, but really, I'm okay! Please! I'm sorry to have woken you. Please, go back to sleep! Don't worry about me," I tried.

He didn't listen to me. "What was your dream about? Tell me about it."

"Oh, it's nothing, really! Please, Ayame...you should sleep...I'm so sorry-"

"Stop apologizing," he demanded. "Tell me about your dream. Get it off your chest so you can get it off your mind."

I knew then that he wouldn't go back to sleep unless I told him, so I tried to make it as quick as possible. "Well...it was about Mom. I just...I wasn't actually there when the accident happened, but I have these dreams sometimes that feel like I was there. I see her driving, I see the c-crash...I hear it..."

Ayame nodded and brushed his lips against my cheek. "You didn't cause your mother's death, Tohru."

"I...but I should have told her to 'be safe'..."

"Do you think that you're God? That you have the power to control whether or not your mother was safe that day?"

I never thought about it like that before. I swallowed a lump that appeared in my throat. "Well, n-no...of course not...I'm really not that powerful at all..."

"Then you can agree that you did not have the power to cause or prevent the accident, can't you? Tohru, your only responsibility to your mother was to be a loving daughter, and you accomplished that better than anyone I know. Even now, you are still thinking of her, dreaming of her. Your love is your power, and you used it during her life and you are still using it after her death. It is boundless. She knows that. You must stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control."

I nodded and leaned in to his touch, closing my eyes and breathing in his masculine scent. "T-thank you, Ayame...I know that you're right, but it's so hard not to blame myself. I feel so guilty."

"I know. It will take time," he agreed. "Until then, you can have as many nightmares as you'd like. I'll always be here to comfort you. Just say the word! It doesn't matter where I am. I will drop everything and come over here to hold you, at least as much as I can, and to remind you of how wonderful you are."

I wrapped my arms around his back in return and ran my fingers through his tresses. "You're the one who's wonderful, Ayame. And I...I love you."

"I love you too, Tohru," he responded immediately, without even pausing, as if it was the most obvious and natural thing in the world.

I had never said those words to anyone besides Mom before. But instead of feeling guilty, I felt...free. I felt like, for the first time, my love for a man had nothing to do with my love for my mother. That the two could coexist. I felt like Mom was looking down on us and was happy for me. And I was happy for me.

I guess it's understandable then why I felt the urge to call him after I had those nightmares. I realized it was actually the first time I had nightmares since that night when we confessed our love for each other. But I couldn't call him, obviously, no way.

"Ayame, I'm having bad dreams again." "About what?" "You."

No. I couldn't. I had to get through the night without him. I had to get through the night knowing that I probably would never be in his arms ever again.

The next morning, after seeing his brother's face in my nightmares, I saw Yuki at my door with the breakfast on tray. He smiled and walked in, sat on the edge of my bed and handed it to me.

"Y-yuki! What's...? What's this? You didn't have to do this for me!" I cried, sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes.

"It's no problem, Miss Honda. I made myself pancakes and there were extra, so I thought you might like them."

"You cooked?" I blurted out, surprised, before realizing it sounded rude. "Oh, I mean, I'm just surprised! I'm sure your cooking is great and-"

He laughed. "No, you're right. My pancakes are probably not the best in the world, but I was hungry and didn't want to wake you. You seemed exhausted when you came home last night. You even looked sick."

I blushed and looked at the clock. It was 11:00. I couldn't believe I slept that late. "It's 11:00? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. You should have woken me up! I would have made you pancakes if that's what you wanted! You shouldn't have had to make them yourself, Yuki."

"It's really fine. It's probably time that I practice. After all, we won't be living together forever. I need to learn how to fend for myself, don't I?"

Finally, I smiled, just a little. "Okay, I guess that's true. Thank you. These really do look delicious!"

"So are you okay, Miss Honda? Are you sick?"

I avoided the question by taking a bite of the pancake and chewing as long as I could. "Um...well, I'm fine...I might be coming down with a little something, but I'll be okay!"

Yuki suddenly raised an eyebrow, almost angrily. "My brother. You were with him last night, weren't you?"

"Y-yes, why? What's wrong?" Could he really tell? Did he know that his brother was capable of something like that?

"Such an idiot." He shook his head. "Ayame's immune system is horrible. He probably has a cold or something worse and didn't even care if he gave it to you."

Oh. He didn't know. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. "No, no! No, it's nothing like that! Honest...Yuki, please...don't worry about me."

"But you look flushed, and you looked even more flushed last night when you came home. Maybe I should call Hatori..."

Suddenly I thought of a lie and it came out of my mouth before my conscience could catch up with me. "Actually, I think I'll just see my old family doctor! I wanted to go over there today anyway to apply for a part-time job filing for him. I can make an appointment and kill two birds with one stone! N-not that I'd want to kill birds, but...ehehe..."

"Oh? Well, that works then." He smiled again, a bit brighter, and his resemblance to Ayame sent shivers down my spine. "R-right!" He then got off my bed and dusted off his shirt. "But let me know if you caught something from my moronic brother. I'll make sure he's more careful around you next time. Reckless snake."

Obviously, Yuki didn't approve of my relationship with Ayame. In fact, I don't think there was anything he hated more in the world than the fact that we were together. He probably would have even preferred if I was with Kyo. "Aha...okay, I will, Yuki. Thank you for looking out for me."

He nodded and left. I couldn't imagine what he would do if I had told him what Ayame had done to me. He probably would kill his brother, literally. I tried to finish my pancakes but the thought of my true plans for the day had my stomach in knots, and I could only eat a couple bites. I then hurriedly took another shower, still not feeling clean, and got dressed.

Then I headed out for the Main House with no idea what awaited me when I got there. I don't think I ever felt more alone in my life, but I couldn't burden anyone with my problems.

I couldn't let anyone worry about me.