[[Thank you so much to my readers and reviewers! You guys left me some very special comments last time. Greatly, greatly appreciated. =^_^= Please enjoy chapter 13!]]

"Tohru? Are you still there?" Hatori's voice once again pierced my thoughts and brought me back to reality. A reality I was in no shape to face.

"Yes, I'm here, I'm really sorry, Hatori. I know it's rude of me to keep spacing out! I just..."

"You have a lot to think about," he finished understandingly. "A lot to think about. Don't apologize. Please just go home and get some rest. You don't need to make this decision right now, or even today. You don't even need to make it this week or next week or the week after. Please, just take some time to think about it. Talk to your friends, talk to Shigure, talk to your grandfather...whoever you think might help you. But remember that ultimately, it is your life that will be affected, and it is your choice to make."

"I know...thank you, Hatori. Thank you so much for everything," I said, though my voice was more hollow than usual, and then I hung up. I had never been the best at making decisions, especially ones that concerned my own life. I preferred when other people either told me what to do, or told me which choice would benefit them so I could make the most selfless decision available. That always made it easiest. As long as I knew my choice helped someone else, I could never regret it. The selfishness Ayame was famous for, I didn't have even an ounce of it. Sometimes I wished I did. At least a tiny little bit. But the way I was, well, my friends sometimes called me a fool because I just couldn't seem to take my own feelings, wants, and needs into much consideration.

But this time? I had to at least consider how my own well-being fit into the equation.

First though I thought about the adoption option. This could be good for everyone involved. I mean, I didn't want to go through the nine months of pregnancy. I didn't want to be the girl at school that got knocked up at sixteen by her almost thirty-year-old boyfriend. I didn't want that at all. But for the baby, this was probably the best choice. I could give it to a loving couple that could really provide for it and take care of it, unlike me.

And then there was the option of having the baby and letting the Sohmas help me raise it. It was a generous offer on Hatori's part but the idea made me feel queasy. Not only would I be imposing on the Sohmas, the people who had taken me in and treated me as one of their own, but I would still have to take part in raising the child myself and could I really do that? Never mind the fact that I would still be in school and struggling to get a decent-paying job afterward. It was more than it. It was...what if the baby had Ayame's eyes? What if it developed mannerisms like him as it grew up? What if, as it was sure to do, it asked me about its father and what he was like?

Finally I asked myself: 'What would really be best for myself? Purely for myself?' It was the abortion, I knew it was. I would be able to be done with this once and for all. I would be able to, at least to the best of my ability, pretend like this never happened. I had only known or suspected I was pregnant for a couple days. If I got the abortion tomorrow, it might feel more like a brief pregnancy scare than anything else. I'd be able to go back to school soon, I'd be able to graduate and make Mom proud. I could go to college and get a job without worrying about anything. Maybe even, someday, find a real lover and get married and have children when I was ready. When I was with a man that would treat me right and provide for my family. If I got the abortion, I could still see a future in which I was happy. Living the life I had always dreamed of.

I stood up from my kneeling position by the grave and began to walk, my head spinning with conflicting ideas and feelings about all my options. This was probably the most important decision I'd ever make in my life and I felt so completely lost.

Hatori told me to talk to my friends, Shigure, and my grandfather about all this. But I knew there was only one person that could give me the guidance I sought.

"Mom? It's me, Tohru," I greeted as I found my mother's headstone just a few feet away. I knelt down again, face to face with the words 'Kyoko Honda, loving mother, wife, and friend'.

"I know it's been a while since I visited you. I'm so, so sorry. Things have been really crazy in my life lately. I know that's no excuse, but...well...I started my first relationship!" I tried to sound happy, I didn't want to lead with the bad news first.

"I know you started dating Dad when you were about my age, so you probably remember what a whirlwind it is! I really wish you had been there. When I was first realizing what I was feeling, I was so confused. I know that if you had been there, you would have helped me make sense of it all. Oh, and I really wanted to ask you about...well, it's embarrassing, but I wanted to ask you how to kiss a boy! Like, how to do it right. Or if there was a right way. I wasn't sure. When the time came, I heard you telling me 'just be yourself' and that's what I did and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but I still wished that I could have talked to you about it first. And when I was getting ready for my first date, I...well, I pretended you were there to help me put my diamond necklace on...and I wore the bracelet you gave me, you know, the one with the little silver rhinestones..." I looked down at my wrist, wishing I was wearing it now to show her.

"Anyway, um...these past six months have been...well, I just really wish you could have been there. Maybe if you had been, maybe I would have made better decisions, maybe some of this would have never happened. I don't know, but I just. I've missed you so much and I needed you so much...but I need you even more now. I need you more than ever, Mom," I continued, wiping wetness from my eyes. "Something has h-happened, and I need you to light the way for me. You're so smart and wise and I know that you would do the right thing. I need you to show me what that is because I don't know, I have no idea about anything anymore..."

I bent my head low and closed my eyes, letting my tears fall. Waiting for Mom's spirit to enter me, to show me something I needed to see. Anything. A sign. I waited and waited.

"Hm, I don't know, I don't know. Something's missing. But what?" Ayame asked, examining the snowman that we had just built on a snowy hill just behind his apartment and shop.

It was that night. I had tried not to think about it ever since it happened. I tried to block it, and all of its details, from my mind but my mom was showing this to me for some reason so I obeyed and went through the memory afresh.

"Hmmm...oh, I know! He needs eyebrows!" I exclaimed, looking around in the snow for something that would work. I found a thin twig and broke it up into two pieces, placing them just above the snowman's coal eyes so he looked permanently surprised. I laughed, and so did Ayame.

"A most excellent decision," he said approvingly, creeping up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. Resting his chin on my shoulder as we inspected our work together. "But still, I feel he is a bit...underdressed! Yes, that's what it is. He has a hat, but no hat should be unaccompanied by a scarf, not in this frigid weather. He may also need mittens, and I wouldn't deny him a warm coat either."

I giggled. "You want to play dress-up with a snowman?"

"Even snow folk deserve to be properly fashioned, Tohru!" he stated firmly. I continued laughing and he removed his hands from my body, walking away.

"E-eh? Ayame? Where are you going?" I asked, running to catch up to him.

He turned around and smiled brightly. "Well, you may not care about our darling snowman's well-being, but I do! I'm going to get him some clothes from my apartment!"

This. This is where I should have stopped. I now knew it. I should have stayed down there, I should have just waited for him to come back with a scarf and mittens and whatever else he planned to drape the snowman in. I should have waited outside.

But instead, I said, "Well, I'll go with you then! It's really freezing out here, isn't it? I think this is the coldest March I've ever seen! Oh, do you think maybe we could...um...have some hot chocolate before we finish the snowman, Ayame? I mean, if you don't want to, that's fine, but-"

I had been stammering my request because, as usual, I didn't want to impose. But looking back, I realized that Ayame took it very differently. He had stopped in his tracks and turned to me with near disbelief. "You want to go up to my apartment? For...hot chocolate?" he asked, blinking. "Well, I would love to. But are you sure you want to?"

Me being stupid, also like usual, I was 100% oblivious and eagerly replied "Absolutely!" without a moment's pause.

He stood still for a few more moments, obviously still shocked. Not even registering it, I smiled and took his hand, and that snapped him out of it I guess because he then led me into the building through the backdoor. "Well, I agree. It's terribly cold outside, I'm surprised I haven't transformed yet. We really need to raise our body temperatures a bit before completing our masterpiece, most certainly." We then got on the elevator and after he pressed the "3", he turned back to me with a new glint in his eyes. "Though I'm not sure I have hot chocolate, Tohru."

I tilted my head. He seemed to be trying to tell me something, but I still had no idea what it was. "Oh? Well, that's okay! I mean, we could always go out and get some at a restaurant. Or if you have tea, that'd be fine too!"

He paused, staring back at me and then looked down with a chuckle. "Yes, yes. Hot chocolate or tea or whatever it might be...I'm sure we'll find some way of warming up together."

I didn't know why but I suddenly felt nervous. And excited. Still, I only smiled and nodded. "A-all right...um...so..." I also felt the intense need to change the subject. "So it is kind of strange that you haven't transformed, isn't it? I thought you couldn't really handle any weather below 40 degrees."

"So did I. Perhaps the curse is weakening? I'm not sure, that is probably just wishful thinking," he said. "But I sincerely hope it's true. What I wouldn't give to be able to embrace you someday fully, my princess." He then lifted my hand to his lips, his eyes never leaving mine. They were full of adoration, and my stomach became alive with butterflies.

Soon after the elevator opened and though we stood there for a few more seconds, almost as if in a trance, we were brought back to Earth by the elevator doors almost closing on us again. Before they could, we hurried out, and he led me into his apartment.

I had never seen it before. He had invited me up time and time again but a little voice in my head had, until that night, told me to politely decline. This time, he hadn't even asked me, I had asked him if I could go up. My fatal mistake. I really had only been asking because I was cold and wanted hot chocolate. So childish. No wonder he got the wrong idea. What an idiot I had been, I couldn't help but think, even though Mom's voice tried to kill these self-deprecating thoughts.

'Stop blaming yourself. That's not why I'm showing you this, Tohru,' I heard her say.

Then I heard Ayame speak again. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable while I see what we may have to drink?" he suggested, taking my coat off me and hanging it on the rack before gesturing for me to sit down on his couch, which-like a lot of the furniture in the apartment-looked expensive and was silver in color.

I took a seat and glanced around at his living room, noticing an ornate mirror hanging above the fireplace, and some framed photographs on the mantle. Most of them were of him, of course. Plenty with Shigure and Hatori, especially during their high school years. A few of Yuki were scattered in between. And in the center was a picture he had taken of me at the lake, feeding some birds while I wore a heavy lace gown he had made for me.

I blushed and smiled, and I only took my eyes off the photos when Ayame finally strut out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch next to me. Handing me a glass of red wine.

I took it from him and laughed softly. "This doesn't look like hot chocolate or tea, Ayame."

"It'll warm you up quicker than either of those," he countered with a grin. "Unless of course, you are not grown-up enough to handle it?"

"I-I'm grown-up enough!" Another thing that was silly to say. But this was a weird time for me. Ever since Ayame had called me on New Year's, I had entered this new phase of inner conflict. Torn between wanting to remain innocent and 'being myself', and desperately wanting this man to view me as a woman instead of the schoolgirl I really was.

I now wondered if Mom would have even let me go out with him in the first place. A 27-year-old man...what was I thinking? Why hadn't anyone told me how bad of an idea it would be? Oh, right. They had told me. Yuki, Kyo. Even Shigure had, in his gentle way, warned me that Ayame might be "a little too much for a sweet young flower to handle". But Ayame made me laugh and made me dresses and made me blush every time he offered one of his eloquent compliments to me. So I hadn't cared about their protestations. I thought they were just being their over protective selves. I hadn't cared. I should have cared.

'Stop blaming yourself,' came my mother's voice again, and then it was as before followed by Ayame's.

"...Are you sure you're grown-up enough?" So this was probably the second time that he thought he was asking me if I was sure I wanted to have sex with him! The first must have been when he asked me if I was sure I wanted to go up to his apartment. But what was crystal-clear to him was a fogged up window to me.

"I'm sure," I replied determinedly, proving it to him by taking a long sip of the wine. It burned my throat, but I couldn't deny that I enjoyed the taste. It warmed me up almost instantly, and it tasted like cherries and plums and adulthood.

Ayame smiled as he watched me drink it and he chuckled affectionately when I shuddered slightly from its unexpected strength. Putting his hand over mine, he took the glass away from me and set it on the table next to his."Now now, just because you are grown-up enough to enjoy it doesn't mean you have to rush it. It's your first time, isn't it? So we should take things slowly."

"My first time?" I asked. I wasn't entirely sure of the answer. I thought back to when my mom made me a hot toddy once when I was a cold, and there was another time that I had gone to a wedding and had a few sips of her champagne. I then turned back at him and beamed. "Nope! It's not my first time."

"It's...it's not?!" He looked like he was close to spitting out the sip of wine he had taken. The way he was staring at me was like he'd never even seen me before.

"Nope," I confirmed happily. Feeling kind of proud that I was more grown-up than he assumed.

"But...what? I...I thought..." he stuttered. His wide eyes still glued to me in utter shock. He then jumped up from the couch and began pacing the room like a madman. "But...then why did you...all these months, I've been going crazy from all the waiting, and I thought that...but...I...and you already...w-with who?!"

"My mom," I answered, still smiling.

He froze. "Your mom?"

"Yep! Once when I was sick and she was taking care of me at home, and once at a wedding we attended together."

"Dear heavens!" Looking positively scandalized, he gulped. "I knew you two were close, but! Then again, my first time was with my cousin, so I suppose I understand..."

"It wasn't really a big deal, Ayame," I assured him. "I only had a little taste both times!"

Ayame visibly cringed and sat back down on the couch, his hand to his forehead. Distraught. "W-well, I had no idea...I...I don't even know what to say to that! But...you've never done it with a man then, have you?"

I thought. "Hmm...well, at the wedding, the waiter that served us was a man. I don't know if that counts though. I didn't actually drink with him or anything." Ayame looked at me. Then to my glass of wine. Then back at me. And then he started to laugh hysterically. I blinked and smiled, confused. "W-what is it? What's so funny?"

He continued to laugh and then put his arm around me, bringing me in close. "Hahaha, Tohru...I love you...I love you so much, so much," he said in between chuckles.

Even though I didn't know what was so funny, I couldn't help but laugh along at his strange behavior. "Well, I love you too, silly! But what's so-"

Before I could ask him again, he was kissing me more hungrily than he ever, ever had in the past. I was taken aback but soon enough I returned the kiss, tasting the wine on his lips, feeling his tongue almost instantly down my throat.

"Mm-mph, Ayoma," I mumbled against the kiss. Pressing my hands lightly against his chest to keep him distanced from me. But he continued his ministrations and soon enough he had me lying back down on the couch, hovering above me as he continued kissing me and letting his hands wander frantically under my shirt, from my hips to my breasts and back again.

"A-ayame!" I managed to exclaim when he finally took a breath. My face was flushed, and if it was possible, it felt like my whole body was too. In our six months of dating, he had never, not once, touched me like this. It completely threw me. "W-what are you doing to me?"

He smirked and rolled his eyes. "Stop playing innocent, Tohru. I know you want this. It's okay, it's perfectly natural! Healthy really!"

"W-wait, I don't know...w-what are you saying? I feel really weird right now, Ayame." His hands hadn't stopped exploring my skin, and it was true. I felt...weird. Surprised, confused, scared. And incredibly excited. He was right, I did want this, I had wanted it for a long time now. I had been fantasizing about him almost every night for months.

But I had thought that those fantasies would only become realities when I was really ready. When I had decided ahead of time that I was ready. I was too naive to realize that things like this rarely ever go according to some laid-out plan.

"No, Tohru. Don't say that, don't say 'I don't know'! You cannot lead me on like this. It's really a rather cruel thing to do to a man, you know."

Of course at the time I had no idea how I had 'led him on' but looking back, the comment made much more sense. Although even then, when I didn't understand what he meant, I instantly felt guilty. Had I done something cruel to him? That was the last thing in the world I wanted. Still...I was wearing my strawberry-patterned cotton panties. This was not how it was supposed to happen. "Ayame, I don't want to be cruel to you, not at all, but-"

"No, Tohru, don't do this," he said, his hands finally stopping their movements. His voice sounded panicked. Pained. "Please. I need to have you. I need to have you tonight. I cannot stand it any longer, the waiting is driving me insane, or at least even more insane than usual! Hahaha!"

How could he joke at a time like this? I wondered. But then I realized the laughter was fake. Just like his words, it was dripping with desperation, and it ended abruptly before he continued: "Please, Tohru. You don't know how hard it is to be around you, watching you play with your hair when you're concentrating hard about something...hearing those giggles that come right from your tummy...feeling your thigh brush mine when we're watching TV together...and not being able to do a single thing about it!"

I was more confused than ever and it must have shown on my face because he kept going: "I know, I know, you will never understand the peculiar cravings of men, but please try to sympathize. Please."

Was Ayame Sohma, infamous for his seductive charm, actually begging for sex? If so, it was probably the first time he ever had to. I felt like I really couldn't say no. And did I even want to? So what if I was wearing my embarrassingly childish underwear? It was obvious he didn't care. And I started to feel like I didn't either. But one cold hard fact remained true: "Well, I do want you, I want you so much...but I'm...I'm really, really scared, Ayame..."

"I know, I was scared my first time too," he admitted, caressing my cheek. "And the second time...and the third time...and, well, Tohru, that's the thing about love-making. It's always scary and it always hurts, at least for one of the two participants, but it must be done nevertheless."

This remark did the exact opposite of reassuring me. But before I could say anything, he had slid off the couch and picked me up in his arms. Carrying me down the hallway to his room and lying me down on his bed. Like I mentioned before, there was really no foreplay. Looking back, I think he was just so thrilled to have me agree to it, however tentative I had been, that he wanted to make sure it happened before I could change my mind. And according to him, anything I said after he had entered me was null and void.

So he stripped both of us as quickly as possible, flinging our shirts and bottoms and underwear to the ground with the least amount of care I'd ever seen him show for clothing. He did kiss down my neck and caress my breasts a bit, which sent a nice tingling between my legs, but that was about it.

Just before he was ready to enter me, he stopped and looked in my eyes with a hesitancy I wasn't expecting. He then asked for (what he must have considered) the third time: "Are you sure you want to do this? I...I know I said I couldn't wait any longer. I shouldn't have said that. Yes, it's getting extraordinarily difficult, but...if you want me to, I will wait. We don't have to do this tonight."

But I had made up my mind. I did want him, I had for months, and there was no good reason to deny myself that just because it was scary. Whether I did it then or two months from then or even two years from then, it would still be scary, I knew that. But I loved him, and I trusted him with all my little heart. Childish fool that I was.

"Yes...I want to...I-I want you to fill my body like you've already filled my heart." I blushed intensely, it was so corny, but I had read the line in one of Shigure's books once and it's the first thing that came to mind when he asked me if I was sure.

He chuckled at it but smiled affectionately. "Then that's what I'll do."

And just like that, he thrust himself inside me. I don't know if he took the line literally or what, but instead of inching inside me slowly and letting me get used to the brand new feeling, he really did fill me completely on his first thrust. I was wet, but not nearly wet enough, and it hurt like hell. I didn't even attempt to restrain a high-pitched scream of pain as he was already plowing in and out of me roughly and rapidly.

"Ah-ah-Ayame! W-wait! Ah, it really hurts!" I cried out.

"Shut up you whiny bitch, it's supposed to hurt," he breathed between his own moans as he even sped up his rhythm more. It was the first time he had ever said such a thing to me and at the time I felt like, in a matter of seconds, he had transformed into an entirely different person. Now I had a very good idea of who it was he transformed into the instant that the toxin of sex actually started.

One person had to get hurt during intercourse, right? That was his, or Akito's, deformed belief. And if it wasn't going to be him this time, it had to be me.

But at the time I could hardly believe what was happening. How had it turned so quickly? Wasn't he just smiling affectionately at me? Suddenly it felt like an eternity ago. I thought I must have been dreaming. Having a nightmare. "Ah-ah...s-stop, stop, it hurts so bad!" I tried again, of course to no avail.

In fact, it only seemed to encourage him further. It was obvious that, probably even more than the actual sex, what he was getting off on was my utter submissiveness. Crying, screaming, begging him to stop. Without knowing it, I was feeding the beast exactly what he needed for fuel. It seemed with every new whimper, with every new plea, he either pounded me harder or faster or came up with some new filthy, demeaning thing to say to me.

As I watched the memory again, I wondered: what could I have done differently to stop it? I could have hugged him and transformed him. I could have laid back and tried my best to enjoy it. I could have-

'Stop blaming yourself, Tohru. That is not why I'm showing you this,' came my mother's voice again and then I shouted at her headstone: "Then why are you showing me this?"

'For the exact opposite reason,' she said. 'You know a lot now that you didn't know then. You know what Ayame had been thinking; you know what you said to give him the impression you gave him; you know why he viewed sex as a sadistic act; you know so much more now than you knew then. But your present knowledge cannot change the past. At the time that it happened, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to change the course of events that had to transpire. It is not your fault. But neither is it the baby's fault.'

A sharp intake of breath. "Y-you're right...it's not, it's not my baby's fault..." I wept into my hands again. Realizing right then and there that the abortion option was out. For good. "But Mom, I still don't know what to do! Should I keep this baby? Should I let the Sohmas raise it? Should I give it up for adoption? Should I...should I tell Ayame? Does he have a right to know? Oh, Mom, the things Akito said about him today...she said that he would never change and I was a fool to think that I could change him...Was she right? Mom, please, give me the answer!"

'Akito has been wrong about Ayame before,' my mother reminded me. I blinked and suddenly Akito's words, from my meeting with her the day after the incident, rang in my ears: 'Ayame is irrelevant to the greater scheme of things around here.' Oh, yes. How very, very wrong she had been. Ayame, being the true monster of the Zodiac the entire time. The one able to break the curse. The most relevant of them all.

"She has been wrong about him before, but-"

'Look at the memory of that night again.'

"N-no! I don't want to, I don't want to look at it anymore!"

'There is one more thing you have to see.'

"Mom, please!"

'Look once more and then never again.'

My heart was in my throat but I obeyed my mom, shaking as I closed my eyes and looked at the memory again. Praying it would really be the last time. A gust of chilly wind swept through me and I felt like it was my mom's spirit. Enveloping me. Guiding me where exactly to look.

It was a narrowed view of things. Instead of seeing it all (myself, Ayame, the bed, the room), the way I had just minutes ago, I only saw Ayame. Specifically, I was gazing into his eyes. I heard him uttering words, bad words, belittling and malicious words...but his eyes didn't match what he was saying.

I had never noticed it before. Not consciously anyway. I must have, on some level, for me to be able to recall it now but...his eyes were somehow, some way, still full of love. Through it all. No matter how sick it was, he genuinely believed that he was making love to me. The only way he ever learned how.

"But wh-what does that mean, Mom? What are you trying to tell me?"

I knelt there for what seemed like forever before Mom finally answered. 'Akito and Ayame may have committed the same atrocity. But they are not the same person. At least, not yet.'

Unanticipatedly, I saw Akito's eyes flash before me. The fire I had seen in them. The bitterness. The hatred. I never seen any of those things in Ayame's eyes before. I had seen anger in them; I had seen dangerousness; I had seen things that still sent shivers up my spine when I reflected on them. But he had not crossed the line into irreversible darkness.

'At least, not yet.'

There was still hope. I had doubted it before, but now that Mom had given me the answer, I held onto it for all dear life: I could still change him. I could still heal him with love. I could do it, I could save him before he led himself further down the path of complete destruction.

I stood up and laid a kiss on Mom's headstone, smiling, feeling a warmth return to my heart that I had feared was long buried. "Thank you, Mom. I knew you were the only one that could help me. And you have. I now know exactly what I need to do."