She felt better after Polly's visit. She didn't feel good- feeling good was something she hadn't in years- but better than in the past. Polly said that she was proud of Piper for staying clean since her overdosing and for attending the NA meetings. It wasn't that she had much choice with the staying-clean-thing but it was still nice to hear someone say that they were proud of her. She hadn't heard that in ages and it made her feel better; it made her want to be better, made her feel that having people be proud of her was something to thrive for.

It didn't even bother her that much that her parents hadn't asked about her. Since leaving Alex she started drifting away from her family. Their lifestyle and expectations were so different from everything she experienced with the brunette and it just felt wrong. Everything about her family and about her family's environment felt wrong and mundane and nothing about it was Alex. At first she wanted to embrace it, she wanted to be what was expected of her but it didn't work. But running away from who she was, whom she wanted was the wrong decision; it didn't work.

She learned it the hard way that running away and hiding from the obvious would never work. All it did for her was to poison her mind and drag her into the darkest depth of her consciousness.

The only way she knew of to escape from there was to poison her body. She still liked it, though. She knew that she would like heroin, no matter what it did to her body. In the end her body was just a shell for her mind and what bothered her was her mind. When using heroin she never thought about her body, because that wasn't important; that wasn't what she wanted to escape from. What she needed to cloud, what she needed to veil herself from was the poisonous thoughts the darkness in her mind created and aimed at her and heroin provided all of that. Heroin offered her a ladder to climb up from the darkness, to veil herself in unexplainable happy thoughts, in a rush that made her mind feel alive. Her body would always end up with heavy limbs and eyelids, with tingling and itching arms but her body wasn't important. Her mind was being tricked by the drug, was tricked into doing wonderful unexplainable things and she loved it. She loved the escape; she loved the sudden brightness in her never-ending darkness, even if never lasted longer than for about two hours.

It was always worth it.

The blonde didn't think that, provided she didn't use again, she would stop longing for a hit on bad days. It was now the only way she could think of to deal with bad days, bad thoughts, bad anythings. She got used to it; she got used to the rush, the high, the euphoria to cloud her mind when it drifted off to a direction she didn't want to deal with.

That was why she wanted to take a hit right now; debating if she should go and look for Alex, if she should talk to her right now, if the timing was right or if there even was a right timing.

She was sitting on her bed, leaning against the wall at her side and staring at the one on Nicky's side. She wanted to talk to Alex, she wanted to apologize. But she was afraid; afraid of Alex's reaction, afraid of the consequences, afraid that Alex would cut her out of her life forever. Piper knew that she had no right to expect any kindness from Alex. The brunette helped her threw her withdrawal, helped her to get clean. It was more than she deserved.

She let out a frustrated sigh. All this thinking and overthinking was getting her nowhere. So, she decided to go visit the library and lose herself in a book.

It was always something she loved about Alex. They both read so many books together; if it was side by side both reading their separate pieces of literature or if it was Alex's deep voice that soothed her with the words she was reading didn't matter. Those moments were intimate on a whole different level to their wild and crazy sex life. In those moments she felt such a deep connection to the brunette, a connection she never found again. It was those moments that made her wonder if she really could have found her soulmate, if she found the person for her very own 'forever'.

She entered the library and started to browse until she found an old poem collection. Alex always had a passion for poetry while Piper enjoyed classic literature. She left with the book and sat down on her bed, leaning against the wall and drawing her knees up.

It had been a while since she indulged into her passion for reading. It was once her dream to have a job that would surround her with books, a job that would be about her passion. Even while travelling with Alex, she still believed that she would be able to end up with a job she would actually love; she even believed at the time that she was closer to her dream than ever while she was with Alex. She felt that every day was an adventure that brought her closer and closer to her dream and still, to this day, she believed that it was true. And with Alex, she threw that away too. She threw it away for a soap company, for a boring guy, to deform herself so she would fit her family's standards.

Now she didn't know what she would even do after prison. She didn't even know where she would live; where her life would lead her to, after her release.

She closed the book with a sigh, not able to concentrate on the words. It took only a short three years for her life to completely derail, crash and burn. She felt like no matter which direction she took, she would end up with her nose against a wall.

"Hey."

She looked up and saw the brunette at the entrance of her cube, looking at her. "Hey." She patted the side of her bed, indicating her ex-girlfriend to sit down next to her, an invitation she accepted.

The brunette sat down next to Piper, glancing at her. "It's Sunday and everybody is either playing scrabble or watching tv."

It was obvious what Alex was getting at. "Didn't want to." The blonde answered with a shrug.

They were silent for a few moments, not sure what to say or do. Piper felt like she was fighting the inner battle of her life. This was as good a moment as she could get to get on with her apology, to get the guilt off her chest but she was afraid. She was afraid of where this could lead, what Alex could say or not say.

"I literally can hear you thinking, kid."

The blonde sighed. It was now or never. Both options had their appeals but only one was the right one and she knew that. "Alex…there's something I meant to say…that's long overdue."

The brunette turned, so that she could look right at Piper, a brow raised in question.

Piper looked at her hands in her lap, fingers fidgeting. "You know…another reason I started doing heroin, aside from what I told you, was because I felt so guilty. I started to feel so unbelievably guilty and horrible and hated myself." She turned to look at Alex. "I really did hate myself. I still do."

Alex looked at Piper, confusion on her face. "Why?"

"Do you honestly need to ask me why, Alex?" Looking back down in her lap, the blonde continued. "The one time you needed me…really needed me, I failed you. I was selfish and horrible…I failed you as a girlfriend, as a friend and as a decent human being."

Understanding dawned on Alex's face, as she started to comprehend what Piper wanted to say. "You started doing drugs because you felt guilty for leaving me when my mom died?"

"It's not as easy as that…" Piper took a deep breath as she tried to gather her thoughts. "When I left you…I spend weeks on Polly's couch just crying. After that I started to mingle in parties and clubs, trying to get my mind off you. I then met Larry."

"Larry? Jesus, Pipes, that name screams boring." Alex scoffed. "Did you meet an Earl too?"

Despite her emotions wrecking havoc in her mind she snorted at that and slapped Alex's arm playfully. "I'll have you know that he was a really sweet guy. He was everything that you weren't and probably never will be."

"What? I'm not sweet?" She felt a little insulted; after all she did many sweet things for Piper.

Piper gave the brunette a strange look. "No. You were never sweet. You are mystery where Larry is predictability. You are danger where Larry is safety. You are wild where Larry is sweet. And I knew you were bad news from the moment I saw you and still, I couldn't stay away from you. I couldn't help myself but fall so deeply in love with you." She paused for a moment to get back on track. "What I wanted to say is that I was with Larry for the very reason that he was so completely different from you. And I couldn't stand it. I compared every single thing, no matter how small, to you. You were constantly in my thoughts, Alex."

"Did you leave him?"

"Yes. I left him because…it wasn't fair to him." She felt bad for breaking Larry's heart because it was obvious how much he was in love with her. With that little he had to offer he still managed to treat her like a princess, but it wasn't enough for her. It might have been if he had been Alex. "I started to feel really lonely and it was then when I realized how much I actually missed you. How big of a mistake I had made. How horrible it was what I did to you."

Alex was silent. What Piper was confessing was huge. She couldn't blame the blonde for leaving in the first place but she hated her for not even being a decent human being and supporting her through the death of her mother. For the past years she spent wondering if the girl she fell so deeply and irrevocably in love with was actually as heartless as she seemed back then. She actually felt relieved that it seemed like that that wasn't the case.

"With every fling I had I felt lonelier and worse and I got so caught up in that darkness in my head…at one point I saw a chance to get heroin and I took it." She looked at Alex, a small, sad smile on her face. "You will hate me for saying this but I don't regret it. I don't regret for using heroin to escape from myself for a few brief moments. It was the only relief I had for the past one and a half year. I don't regret it."

Alex did feel angry at Piper for saying this. She too did use heroin after her mom died and Piper left. She too was at a bad place and turned to heroin and she did regret it. She didn't like it. How bad must Piper actually have felt for liking heroin? How bad must she have felt to want it so much; to not regret poisoning her body and become addicted to one of the most destructive and dangerous drugs on the market?

Piper looked back down at her hands in her lap. "The point of me telling you all of this is…that I do feel horrible for doing what I did to you." She turned to look the brunette in the eyes. "I am sorry, Alex. I know that I will carry that guilt for the rest of my life. I should have been there for you and I wasn't and I will forever be sorry for that."

Alex wanted to speak up, not even really knowing what she would say, but Piper interrupted her with a raised hand.

"I do not expect anything out of this, Alex. I do not expect you to forgive me just like that and I do not expect you to take me back or something. You didn't even have to help me through my withdrawal. You don't owe me anything and I do not have any right to expect any of that from you. But you did deserve an apology."

Alex shook her head at the blonde in exasperation. "I accept your apology, Pipes."

Piper's eyes widened slightly in surprise.

Rolling her eyes, Alex sighed at the blonde. "Don't give me that look, Pipes. It happened and we can't change it. I was pissed at you. I hated you for doing it but I am over it. It's done and so much time already passed." She looked over at the blonde and still marveled at how much she changed, at how obvious her being a just recent ex-drug-addict was; the pale skin, her always tired looking eyes with the dark rings under them- it would take a long time until the current Piper would resemble the Piper Alex fell in love with.

And despite all of that, Alex still loved her so very much. She knew that she could never ever stop loving the blonde, despite all of her fuck-ups and mistakes. She could never stop.

"But, you know that I can't just give you my heart like that again. I just can't."

Piper looked away. She expected that and she knew that expecting anything else would have been naïve at best but still, she struggled to keep the tears at bay, she struggled to keep the pain at bay. "I understand." Her voice was low and sounded foreign to her own ears.

"I didn't say that…we won't ever happen again, you know. But after what happened in Paris…I don't give my heart away as easily as that again." She looked at the blonde and she knew that she was heartbroken. Alex struggled with herself, wanting to hold the blonde in her arms, wanting to tell her that all would be okay again but she knew that she couldn't. But she could offer her something else. "You know…if it was anybody else, I wouldn't even give them this second chance. But you are still special to me, Pipes. You are still…different…from anybody else."

Piper actually had a tiny smile playing around her lips at that as she felt a small blush creep up her cheeks. She looked at Alex with adoration in her eyes. She never would and never could understand that hold the brunette had on her. She never could understand the things the brunette did to her with simple words. Alex smiled at her and beckoned the blonde over. "Come here."

Piper, shyly, scooted over and leaned into Alex's side, her head resting on the brunette's head. As Alex drew her closer with an arm over the blonde's shoulder, Piper closed her eyes, feeling content and at peace for the first time in years.

"But," Alex began, "I expect one thing from you, Pipes."

The blonde already knew what it would be but she still asked. "What is that?"

"Do your best to stay away from drugs. I don't ask anything else and I won't throw you away and abandon you if you ever get tempted or- god forbid- even use once again, but I want you to promise me that you will do your best to never ever use again."

For Alex she would do anything. "I promise."

Alex smiled down at Piper, the blonde looking more at peace then ever since she was in prison. "We'll be okay kid. I just know it."

The next few days went by in a blur for the blonde. Since her talk with Alex she felt more at ease, lighter, than she felt in a long time. She also started working at the electric shop and despite her lack of talent for it she had fun because she had something to occupy herself with.

Of course she was heartbroken that the brunette told her that they wouldn't be together again. She didn't expect anything else but there was a tiny bit of hope inside of her that the miracle would occur and it was stomped down with vengeance. It hurt like a bitch.

She also had visitation today and Cal would come and see her for the first time. Piper was beyond excited about that and looked forward to it for days.

When the time came, she squatted and coughed and quickly pulled her panties and pants up, her face beet red, and entered the room, looking for her brother. When she saw him she nearly squealed as she quickly walked up to him, hugging him.

"I missed you so much!"

"Missed you too, sis."

They sat down and Cal began the talking. "You look great for a junkie."

Piper grinned from ear to ear. Her brother had this way of being awfully blunt without sounding offensive. She missed it. "I have been clean for a while now and I had people helping me through it."

Nodding, Cal reached over and squeezed the blonde's hand and quickly released it again, trying not to look too soft and mushy. "I am proud of you. But I am also pissed at you because now I suddenly am the hope of mom for giving her grandchildren."

Grimacing, Piper apologized. "Yeah, Polly told me about that. Sorry, I guess."

"You better fucking be…" He mumbled. With a sigh he changed the topic. "Did you find a prison wife yet?"

She reached over and slapped his hand, muttering under her breath before smiling again. She really missed her brother.

AN: So, this chapter was a pain to write. I hope it turned out well. Not much drama going on but I can SO assure you that it's gonna come soon. I already have an outline of what's going to happen soon and it's gonna be so painful for you guys, I can't wait to type it. I am so giddy already.

Also, thanks for the reviews (just 5 with the last chapter, gotta admit I am a tiny bit disappointed but I did get spoiled with the earlier chapters, so…), the favs and follows. Thank you guys a lot!