Thanks to Sailorraven34 for the reveiw!
A/N Note for the chapter: No, I didn't get "it's okay not to be okay" from that Jessie J song, I thought it up, thought it sounded like a quote and looked it up. Personal opinion, so don't hate me: I don't really like Jessie J. Yeah, the stuff I listen to is nothing like Jessie J. Just because I'm nosy, please comment down below with the music you listen to, or you think is good. I'm currently listening to Green Day, and I also like You Me At Six, All Time Low, Mayday Parade, some Sleeping with Sirens, and a little bit of both Imagine Dragons and Bastille. I think that's it. The last three I don't listen to so much, but the first four are my life. I also really like the new Fall Out Boy song, Centuries. None of you probably care about this but I'm leaving it in here anyway.
Also I've never experienced a panic attack per say, but I do have these mental breakdown things that when I've talked to one of my best friends, who regularly experiences panic attacks, about it she said that although it doesn't sound like the same thing, it's not dissimilar.
Well this was a long A/N. Sorry. On with the chapter and don't forget to comment with the music you like! (Also a bit more cursing than usual up ahead)
We get takeout pizza for dinner, at Clint's request. He says he needs a proper New York one, and I'm more than happy to agree. We eat in in silence while Anya and Tony make light conversation. They seem to be getting along quite well. After we've eaten, Tony requests that we put on a movie, because Anya hasn't seen a 'classic' that I've never seen either.
It's about halfway through when Clint finally slumps on my shoulder asleep. Anya fell asleep after about fifteen minutes. Stark turns the volume down, and I know he wants to talk to me. "How much have you read?" I sigh, whispering because I know both Clint and Anya don't deserve to be woken up.
"All of it." He mutters, and I realise that it's been a week, and Stark doesn't sleep, and his burning desire to know about my private life must have fuelled him enough to keep going. "I read about the procedures the KGB put you through, Natasha, and I... I thought I had it bad being captured in Afghanistan for a couple of months... but you were captured for ten years. I'm sorry, Natasha, that I've been such a dick to you. You don't deserve it."
"I was finally getting my life back together when it fell apart again. Everything I'd forgotten came back to bite me on the ass. Everything everyone had forgotten about." I reply, wondering why I'm being so open.
"I'm sorry about your past, Natasha, and I hope your future will become better." He tells me honestly, genuinely.
"It looks like it will be. I've got my little sister back, I've got you guys, who I might call friends and I've got Clint. You can't have everything in life, can you?" I say, and I begin to wonder if he's put some truth serum in my drink.
"No... And talking about not having everything, why isn't Budapest on the web?" Ah, about that...
"I... kept up a firewall to keep it hidden. I don't want anyone seeing it. Ever. It was the worst fucking mission in the history of shitty missions."
"Something happened to him didn't it?" He tilts his head to where Clint is lying.
"Do you know that he's 80% deaf?"
"No." He pauses realising what I'm suggesting. "Shit must have gone down."
"Yeah, it did. He doesn't remember any bit of the last week we were there. The stuff he remembers, that was the nice stuff. Before went and got himself fucking captured. I got him out, but not before they took out his hearing and broke his arm. Were about to start cutting off toes when I got there."
"Why are you telling me this? You don't have to give me answers. Especially uncomfortable ones."
"You're a teammate. We should be honest with each other."
"Okay." He nods. "I've been suffering panic attacks since New York. I couldn't sleep. Pep convinced me to go to therapy for a bit. I've never felt so out of control. The thing is, I didn't even get them after Afghanistan. Maybe it's because I knew I needed to make the world better."
"Maybe. It's okay to have nightmares. I do. Clint does. I have them from the second I close my eyes. About every single person I've ever killed. Sometimes I thrash, and its then I have to get woken up, or I start screaming. When no one's around to wake me up, sometimes I wake up on the floor with a cut on my head from banging it off the nightstand." I start fiddling with the necklace Clint gave me for Christmas. "Tony, it's okay not to be okay."
"Is that a quote from somewhere?"
"Maybe. This... whatever this was, is definitely better than the shit S.H.I.E.L.D. calls therapy." We go back to watching the film, and though I was reluctant for Tony to find out about me, so far he seems to be taking it well.
The film ends, and I have no idea what the hell happened, because I think I missed a key scene while talking to Tony. I smile at him and whisper, "G'night. Get some sleep."
"Planning to." He replies. I pick up Anya and take her to my floor, depositing her on my bed. I leave her a note that I'm on the next floor up. I then go back to the TV room and sling Clint's arm around my shoulders, which wakes him up enough to stumble to the elevator. Once we're in his room, he falls face first on to the bed, dead asleep. I change to one of his massive shirts and sweatpants, then crawl under the duvet, falling asleep.
The next morning, as usual, Clint is up before me. He brings me a coffee while I'm still in bed, which is a nice gesture, because usually he makes me do that. I guess I must look really worried because he asks me what's wrong with a concerned look on his face. "I think I did something last night that was very stupid."
"What Tasha? And how didn't I notice? I was there the whole time."
"You and Anya were asleep... So Tony and I started talking about the files... And I might have told him about Budapest. He seemed to take it okay though."
"So what? It wasn't that big of a deal, one only wanted to know because we keep disagreeing on it. Everying will be fine, Tasha. It'll turn out okay." I can hope that he's right.