Updates might be getting a tad slower. I haven't been in a good state of mind for doing anything lately… I will do my best to keep up with this fic though. I have it all outlined. But thank you for all of the faves/reviews/alerts!

…~-~…

His thought processes and reaction time had been slowed down by the alcohol. As a result, Izaya struggled to realize what was happening when a hand was suddenly on the back of his head and another person's lips were pressed against his own.

He felt his muscles become tense at the force that had been used to pull him into the kiss—and suddenly he was there again—cold hands roughly grabbing the back of his head and forcing him to suck some stranger off.

But this wasn't that cold alleyway. He was in his home, and those men weren't here. It was Shizuo who was kissing him and it was only then that he realized he was already kissing the man back.

When the situation at hand finally hit him, he was once again sent into a panic.

True, this wasn't some stranger trying to force him into sexual acts. But this was Shizuo kissing him which in the moment, was just as alarming.

Quickly, Izaya's instincts took over causing him to firmly shove Shizuo away before he had a chance to think about the situation rationally. In terms of "fight or flight", Izaya's mind and body were in "flight" mode as he quickly scrambled to the end of the couch to escape the uncomfortable situation.

Shizuo was instantly aware of his mistake and found himself moving in the opposite direction as well to ensure he gave Izaya the space he needed to collect himself.

"Shit—" Shizuo cursed covering his mouth with his hand, "Izaya, I'm—I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to—I'm sorry!"

Jumping up from his seat Shizuo quickly brushed past Izaya, intent on leaving. He'd gone too far.

But a hand around his wrist stopped him as he passed by.

Shizuo turned his attention to the hand on his arm, eyes following it to Izaya's face which was hidden behind his bangs, eyes focused on the floor.

"Sit," Izaya whispered.

Heart racing, Shizuo did not move yet. How could Izaya not want him to leave? It was just a kiss, but he'd still essentially forced himself on Izaya. Shizuo closed his eyes. He'd probably triggered some nasty memories in Izaya just now, all because he just had to kiss him.

He couldn't stay. Not after potentially hurting Izaya like that.

Shizuo tugged lightly to get out of Izaya's grasp, but those slim, pale fingers only gripped harder.

"I said sit," Izaya said, still looking at the ground as he pulled Shizuo back closer to his seat.

The firm tone Izaya used had Shizuo's heart racing. Would he hurt Izaya more if he left?

Holding his breath, Shizuo cautiously sat back down on the couch and stared at the floor as well. He took a silent deep breath as he waited for Izaya to speak; however, Izaya remained silent even after releasing his grip on Shizuo's arm.

What is going on in that head of yours…? Shizuo thought, making a quick glance in Izaya's direction.

The silence continued for another thirty seconds. Izaya blinked a few times as he tried to regain his composure. The alcohol in his system wasn't making that very easy.

Ugh fuck it, Izaya thought as he reached for his glass, pouring the last bit of wine into his glass and taking a big gulp. He knew drinking more wasn't the brightest idea, but he needed something to help warm the chill making its way up his spine.

Surprisingly enough, the chill had nothing to do with being afraid or being sent into a flashback by Shizuo's actions.

The chill that went up Izaya's spine was a direct result of the realization that Shizuo, Heiwajima Shizuo, had just kissed him—and in addition, he had kissed him back. Oh, but that wasn't all…

The icing on the cake was that Izaya had almost liked it. No—he did like it.

It was with a bitter taste in his mouth that he realized that maybe Namie was right when she mocked him about these "dates" and questioned his intentions. Was it possible that she had picked up on what Shizuo was feeling before even he did?

As for Izaya's feelings… He'd been enjoying himself up until this point. He hadn't felt nervous or awkward around the man—in fact, he'd felt pretty good.

Izaya lightly shook his head before glancing at the blond who was still sitting anxiously in his seat. He didn't know how to respond. He'd never been in a position like this before. Should he tell Shizuo he liked the kiss? Or would that just freak Shizuo out and make him want to leave again…?

Wait.

Izaya could punch himself for being so fucking stupid. Perhaps he could blame the alcohol for overlooking the fact that Shizuo had kissed him first. There had to be a reason behind his actions.

Damn. It would make too much sense if Shizuo actually liked him. Helping him home and spending the night when he was attacked, suggesting that they go out and stop fighting…

This was serious. It was very possible that Shizuo wanted to be… a bit more than friends. Something about that realization set off alarm bells in Izaya's mind. This isn't what he signed up for.

Izaya closed his eyes, trying to remain calm through the sudden dizziness that hit him. He blamed that on the alcohol as well. He just needed to know for sure.

"Shizuo?" Izaya asked, his voice nearly cracking as he forced the words out, "Why did you just kiss me?"

With the way Shizuo instantly brought his hand to the back of his neck and avoided eye contact, Izaya could tell his thoughts were spot on. This really was serious.

"Are you sure you want to know the answer to that…?" Shizuo asked, voice almost a whisper.

No.

But I have to know.

"If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked," Izaya reasoned.

Shizuo sighed, leaning forward so that his hands covered his face, elbows on his knees. His next words were muffled by his hands. "I like you a lot, okay? That's why."

There was another long release of breath from Shizuo that sounded like a sigh of relief to Izaya.

Where Shizuo may have felt relief, Izaya's world was just thrown off balance. He probably knew deep down somewhere within himself that this was the reason Shizuo wanted to suddenly be around him. Yet he never was able to accept that answer.

You're supposed to hate me.

Why don't you hate me?

"Izaya…?" Shizuo's voice sounded muffled to him, "Are you okay?"

It was then that Izaya realized he had involuntarily curled in on himself, his hands gripping his hair. Nothing made sense—no everything made perfect sense, and that was what made it all so confusing. Why hadn't he realized that Shizuo… loved him?

He knew next to nothing about love and relationships. Shizuo was the one who was always making friends and interacting with others. Izaya had none of that.

Izaya felt a hand on his shoulder and his panicked, intoxicated brain could not distinguish the touch as good or bad. In the blink of an eye, he was in that alley again.

On the cold, hard ground.

Terrified for his life.

Hands all over him… touching him…

The hand was hurriedly removed from his shoulder and Izaya snapped back just as quickly.

It's not real. You're home. You're safe.

Izaya repeated those words to himself in his head for a few seconds as he regained his composure. His breathing evened out as his shoulders drooped.

"I'm fine," he said finally, despising himself for the way his body and mind were reacting to this predicament.

Standing up on slightly wobbly legs (it had to be the alcohol), Izaya didn't look in Shizuo's direction as he spoke. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. I want to talk to you."

With that, Izaya made his way to the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment as he attempted to ground himself back in reality. He hadn't had a flashback that vivid in a week. Triggered from what? A few words and a touch? Apparently his mind had already been in such a panic that the one little touch on the shoulder was enough to send him over the edge.

"I'm pathetic…" Izaya whispered to himself as he stared into his own eyes in the mirror.

Turning on the cold water, Izaya let the water run from the faucet into this hands, staring at it as it overflowed from his hands into the basin. Leaning down, he splashed the cold water over his face. This had become a ritual for him. It helped keep him grounded in reality.

He had to face this. Shizuo might actually be in love with him. So what. If anything, this was a good thing. After all, up until this moment he had felt completely comfortable around him. Why should a few words and a kiss make anything different?

Shizuo wanted to help him. That much was clear. He could take advantage of this situation and use Shizuo to help himself get over this. Besides, being able to kiss someone was… nice. He'd just been shocked. It was sudden, and he was drunk. That's why he'd freaked out so much just now, right?

He could handle doing it again, and he'd prove it. He needed to show himself that he could handle being touched like that without having flashbacks. He would try again, only this time he would be the one in control. He could get over his annoying fears using Shizuo.

But first he'd need more information.

Izaya was calm again and feeling much more like his confident self when he opened the bathroom door to see Shizuo sitting right where he left him, looking rather worried.

"Izaya-!" Shizuo began, but was cut off when Izaya signaled for him to stop.

"Like I said," he spoke calmly and clearly now, "I am fine. I just need to talk to you about this."

"O-okay…" Shizuo responded, looking unnerved.

"So," Izaya began, sitting back in his place on the couch, "You like me?"

"Y-yes."

"How long have you been hiding this?"

"Honestly," Shizuo rubbed the back of his neck again, "I'm really not sure when it started. I just started realizing that I… didn't really want you dead or anything… and that sort of just morphed into… well… this."

Izaya closed his eyes, still struggling to absorb this new information.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Shizuo asked when Izaya remained silent for thirty seconds which felt like an eternity.

Izaya's eyes seemed to flash in the light when he opened them, turning to finally look Shizuo directly in the eyes.

"I suppose we can give this a try," he said.