Chapter EIGHT – Queer understanding

Wednesday 4/7

To: Herm Granger

From: Ted Simpton

Re: Someone got too close….

…Too close for comfort yesterday in the alley, didn't they. Just because I wasn't there, doesn't mean I didn't see what happened. Prepare for untailored teasing. I didn't get a chance to hassle you about it yesterday so I figure today you'd get your dose. That little man of yours is quite something isn't he? Watch out missy, you've got competition.

We have a bet running down here in programming that he's going to be your lawyer and husband by January. So spill it, or ill show Vanessa those emails you and Ginny have been exchanging to each other. Oh and don't think I can't sweetie; I'm a computer programmer you know.

Adoringly yours,

Ted :P

To: Ted Simpton

From: Herm Granger

RE: YOU

You wouldn't dare! That's confidential, you can't tell…. and WHY are you reading our emails Mr Simpton!

Anyway, nothing happened. So don't dare tell Ginny anything, I know what goes on in that crude mind of yours.

Hermione Granger

P.S. If you tell Ginny anything, I will tell McGaughn that you were the anonymous man she became infatuated with on that chat room.

P.P.S. And if you don't thinks that's bad, I'll tell Ginny who ate all of her Cheese, asparagus and bacon quiche last week.

To: Herm Granger

From: Gin Weasley

Re: Okay,

All I've been hearing lately are murmurs about you, Ted and a handsome blonde mystery man. Dracos not gay is he?

I thought being your closest friend you would share with me everything? So what happened!

Ah crap, I have to go. Nosy Narell (a.k.a. D.O.C) is snooping around my cubicle…

But don't worry when she gone, I'm going to hound you down.

Ginny.

To: Gin Weasley

From: Ted Simpton

Re: Draco Malfoy

You little lazy thing you. If you would've stopped yakking to that lover boy of yours and gotten off your gluteus and came with us too lunch (What a surprise you didn't, even if we mention the 'F' word- food- you'd have jumped higher than a man with a needle up his ass) you'd have seen the man Hermione had been criticizing the last few days. But sources tell me you already have, but I thought you might want to share the magic…

Fortunately I had him all to myself…

Ted

P.S. If our fiery Hermione mentions anything to you about your missing quiche, it wasn't me. It was actually Vanessa.

RedHeadedWench: Okay you weasel spill it. Who ate my Quiche!

GayManWalking: Ms Weaslette, is that you? Well this is a surprise, you never IM me…

RedHeadedWench: Well there's a first for everything…No time for pleasantries. What happened yesterday?

GayManWalking: Well I went to lunch and I had a lovely Chicken Teriyaki burger with coriander garlic cream. Totally mind blowing Gin, you should try it. Anyways…

RedHeadedWench: Oh was that at the Ritz? Yes they also make a divine pork ris…TED!

GayManWalking: Look Darl, why don't you ask her yourself? I don't really remember what happened, I'm still thinking of his full head of hair…why are all the good men straight?

RedHeadedWench: Could you be more gay?

GayManWalking: No darlin', in case you have forgot, I AM gay. I want to know just as much as you do, I was hoping YOU would know something. Is he…?

RedHeadedWench: You computer people have no life! No he's not gay…

GayManWalking: Too good to be true…

RedHeadedWench: Uhg, so you don't know anything?

GayManWalking: Zip, nadda nothing…

RedHeadedWench: What help you are…

GayManWalking: Always of service. All I can tell you is that my little Xena and her man unintentionally met up whilst we were having lunch… I was checking out the barman, ill be visiting THAT restaurant again…things happened and we were outside when Hermione quickly pulled Draco into a nearby alleyway and told me to stay out and listen to what was being said by Jeremy ( you know that poor excuse for a man) and another man…

RedHeadedWench: Really? And what were they saying?

GayManWalking: Sorry Gin I can't say, Draco said its confidential and they might need it for the case... I really don't even understand it myself, something about 'Hexes' and 'Curses' but hey, that's just queer…

RedHeadedWench: yes…queer. Oh ok, thanks Ted. Ben told me you guys were having a bet that Hermione and Draco will get together before the end of this year. I hate to say it but I think you've just lost your fifty. :P

GayManWalking: oh no, we'll see. Not only am I gay, but also because of this, I have an unusual talent of clairvoyance…

RedHeadedWench: Man you are queer…

GayManWalking: and proud of it

RedHeadedWench: logged off

GayManWalking: logged off

(Ring)

(Ring)

"Hello MGF Law Firm, Emily speaking."

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger. Mr Malfoy was expecting a call from me."

"Ah yes, ill put you straight through."

"Thanks"

"Ah, Granger. It's about time you called. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me."

"Don't have to be sarcastic Malfoy, I should've left it for another day."

"Yes just to let those burning cheeks dissipate."

"Very funny. I was not blushing, it was 10 degrees yesterday, I was bloody cold…"

"Yeah I could tell…"

"Look I didn't call to be patronized, after what I heard yesterday I've reconsidered."

"So you were blushing…"

"You're loving this aren't you?"

" I haven't had this fun since Law School"

"Oh I don't believe that…"

"And you have reason not too. It was actually last month. Listen I have to go, how's about on Friday you come by my building at about 12:00, and well talk about it over lunch."

"It's not…"

"No Granger, its not. Bring Weasley if you think you can't handle the heat…"

"Oh you pra…"

"See you Hermione."

To: Draco Malfoy

From: Josh Grey

Re: Ok…

ok, who are you and what have you don't with the sarcastic, ass Draco Malfoy? I was innocently passing your office to file a few reports when I see the side of Draco Malfoy's lips slightly curve in the north direction, a smile perhaps?

I couldn't help but overhear you flirting, was it…with a woman I presume? I also heard Friday and Lunch, so you're doing things your own way eh? Mind if I join you?

Josh

To: Josh Grey

From: David Felnof

Re: innocently?

the words 'I' 'innocently' and 'accidentally overheard' shouldn't come from your mouth. It should be 'I was purposely walking past your office to see if I could catch any goss on your love life; or about you in general so I could go and slip it into a conversation with Emily and Felnof, to see there reaction. I found a gold mine.'

It's nothing important, just a meeting with a client. Its confidential information. So butt out Johnny English.

Draco.

I8THETELETUBBIES: Johnny English? Is that the best you could do? Doesn't do me any justice, I would at least think 007 or Indiana Jones would best describe me: charming, handsome and a chick-magnet

TheDraconis: Not even in your dreams will you be compared to those heterosexual males.

I8THETELETUBBIES: Are you implying I'm gay? Because if anyone should be gay here, its you.

TheDraconis: Some men are married because they are trying to cover up their….

I8THETELETUBBIES: okay we are getting slightly off track here. What are you doing tonight? Mary's been down in the dumps lately, I don't know what's wrong her. Come over and cheer her up will ya?

TheDraconis: Ha, not even I can help you with your mother-in-law. I don't get along with mothers…

I8THETELETUBBIES: Explains a lot…you want to come over, I'm in need of a male influence at home. I'm under siege by women!

TheDraconis: Ah ok, got nothing better to do. As long as I don't have to converse with the 'witch.'

I8THETELETUBBIES: Not if you can help it…

To: Gin Weasley

From: Herm Granger

Re: Would you…

shut up and stop giving me death stares over the cubicle? It's not very becoming. Everyone is looking at you as if you were a madwoman, well actually they're not far off are they…?

Since you won't shut up until I tell you, here it is:

Yesterday while you were one the phone with Yosemite Sam (You know the Red-Headed Looney Tunes character with a muggle gun?), Ted and I decided to leave you to it and went out to Ritz for lunch, since we didn't want to wait an hour for you to finish yapping. Both Ted and I have had painful memories of how long you can talk.

So we got there and had lunch, all the while Ted was checking out a presumed homosexual; I know he'll be there again- remind me to never- and the construction workers outside. Everything was fine up until Draco walks in and comes over to me. I asked him how he found me (when I noticed Ted was infatuated with "The Village People") and he said he used a charm to detect me. Ginny the man's a stalker! Anyway Ted was enjoying our bantering and thought it was sweet, ha you should've seen the look Draco gave him.

We walked outside, the whole time Draco was trying to tell me why he wanted to 'up his cousin' and the usual taunt- I swear the man can talk when he wants too, he'd give you a run for your money. I really wasn't listening; instead I was trying to figure out why these two men walking toward us looked so familiar. Then all of a sudden I pulled Draco into the nearest alley way and told Ted to snoop out the two guys. He of course had no idea what I was on about, but he knows better than too rile me up. Too bad Malfoy doesn't.

'What the hell are you doing Granger? This isn't the place to do that sort of stuff' had we not been trying to hide in a cramped area, and had we had room to move, I would've thumped him one. Jonks and Xavier, Malfoy's cousin- Jonks' Lawyer, were standing right near where we were, then Malfoy the idiot, shuts up. Poor Ted, he had no idea what to do, remind me to never again pick him for any prohibited undercover work.

After what seemed like 15 minutes of bantering on our part, they finally left. Ginny, I don't think we should've heard what we did. The worst part was Ted heard some of it too. If Draco hadn't convinced Ted that it wasn't anything out-of-the-ordinary, we would've been busted.

As it turns out, Jeremy Jonks is wizard and an ex-criminal from Azkaban. He was in there for assault and kidnapping. Turns out the guys quite good at getting what he wants, and is known to be over controlling. He torments and stalks his 'victims' and curses them. But he was only in prison for ten years! Someone in his family had connections and got him out.

The problem is, we can't use this against him, a) because we eavesdropped into classified information and b) because we are going through a Muggle court. I don't think they know that I am a witch, but I'm sure Xavier's not an idiot and will see to that.

So that's what happened no big deal, well I mean it IS but it has nothing to do with Draco and I, Ted was just high on…whatever he gets high on….

So could you please STOP pestering me about it! I have work to do, turns our Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's relationship may be on the rocks. Despite the age difference they were a cute couple…

Herm

To: Herm Granger hermione.

From: Gin Weasley

Re: You need a new job! Or a column…preferably the latter…

What an interesting expedition you had yesterday, but it still doesn't explain the flushed look you had on your face when Ted pulled you through the doors…what happened in that small, narrow, dark place where no one could see you?

So Jeremy Jonks is a wizard, there you go! Actually now that you mention it, Dad did tell me something about that case, but that was eleven years ago when I was 15. I personally had my own troubles, so I didn't pay much attention to a criminal in for a supposed 20 years. But hey, you learn something new every ten years!

I'm leaving work now it's late enough, wanna take a trip to Diagon ally? Rekindle lost moments? Ring me.

Gin

(Ring)

"Well it's about time you called."

"Gin, you sound like another Draco Malfoy."

"Oh don't insult me. So you want to go?"

"Gin, did you know Ron and Luna used to date before Ron met Carla?"

"…How did you find out…?"

"Oh so you knew…! Why didn't you tell me? God, I made a complete ass of myself..."

"Because that was years ago, we were in University, things just happened. What do you mean a complete…."

"Just happened eh? Did he leave Luna for Carla, Gin?"

"Hermione…Ron's not…"

"So he did. As he left me for Luna. Do you know they're getting engaged?"

"What! NO Hermione I swear I didn't. How you find that out…"

"Oh the hard way. Yesterday when Draco left and Ted spying on the men in sailor suit ( honestly the people you see in London theses days), I saw Luna and Ron window-shopping at a jewellery store. When Luna went in, I quickly stopped Ron and had a talk to him. As it Is, Luna was the 'right one' And that it was a mistake leaving her for Carla, that he was young and stupid…"

"Well yeah, what's wrong for you.."

"He also nicely mentioned that it was wrong for the two of us to be in a relationship. I guess he was trying to say, " You were my rebound." You know, I felt foolish when I said 'what are you, a...a…grasshopper? Jumping from one girl to another…'"

"A grasshopper…oh Herms…"

"Yeah, but I saw so caught up in emotion…he just broke up with me a two weeks ago and now he's ENGAGED! It's not fair Ginny…"

"What a prat! He should've at least waited a month or two…"

"You're not enlightening the situation you know. That's partly why I was flustered. Ted knew of course, but I told him not to tell you anything…I was so embarrassed and shocked…"

" Partly? What's the other part?"

"You just don't give up do you Ms Weasley?"

"Sometimes you have to liven up a dead situation. In all respect Hermione, I think it's just that Ron doesn't want to be lonely. He found out the hard way when he lost Carla, so every relationship after her has been a rough ride for Ron. I'm not saying he's not an idiot, because he is..."

"I know Gin."

"So what was the other reason"

"Pfft, well if you were in a ' small, narrow, dark place' your face inches away from the enemies and bodies almost painfully touching…"

"Oh okay, okay sorry I asked. Is he as buff as he looks?"

" Very much so. But don't tell him that. I'm meeting up with him on Friday…"

"Oh he moves fast doesn't he?"

"No you dag, its for the case."

"Yeah that's what they all say…"

" You know you and Malfoy have an uncanny res…ahhhhh!"

"Hermione what's wrong! Hermione…."

(Beep, Beep)

To: Josh

From: D

Re:Remind…

remind me to never get married, and if so eliminate the mother ASAP. I have suddenly found a new respect for you, in that you had to live with your mother-in-law for the past week.

My face almost split in two having to constantly smile, when I should've hexed her. Too bad she's a witch.

If your up and wondering why I'm email you so late its because I figure you'll be up, drained and looking after Jazmine. Man that's kids got a set of lungs on her.

I see what you mean about Mary, maybe she has post-natal depression, but I think you should check it out first. She looks thinner, paler and worn-out. I mean, she just yelled at Ash, when she asked if Mary could take her to the toilet and went mental when the baby started to cry. I think you should take a few days off and stay with the family.

Consider it,

Draco

To: D

From: Josh

Re: well…

I guess you're right. But that means I have to pend more time with the Wicked Witch from the West! The things I do for family…

But all jokes aside, she won't even consider going to the doctors, she's all jumpy and pushy I just don't know what to do with her! It's been like this since a few days after Jaz was born. I've been coming to work because it's my seclusion away from Mary! I mean, I would take the kids with me, but Gretel insists it's the only way to 'cure her'. I think we'd all have major health breakthroughs if SHE went!

I wont come in tomorrow, I thinks it's the smartest thing you've said all week.

Josh

P.S. Thanks for teaching Ashley your version of 'Hey Diddle Diddle' and 'Jack and Jill' I never knew you had such an annoying flair for nursery rhymes.

BEEP)

Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually ill reach you! Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! …Oh shut up Hermione…

(TONE)

That's the first time I've heard your new recording message. Make sure the people with the white suits don't hear it. They'll think your insane talking to yourself…

What happened back there? Are you home? Well obviously I wouldn't get the machine if you were…IF SOMEONE IS THERE AND ITS NOT HERMIONE, PICK UP! If you are there Hermione, stop playing around and pick up. Either way, could someone please answer the phone! What am I saying…ring me back A.S.A.P.!

REMASTERED

SouredSweetie