See I updated in two weeks, I think it's a record!
Okay, this is the second last chapter and if you want the next one up, I want reviews. I've had 2000 hits to this story, and 100 reviews doesn't justify the 4 digit number I'm receiving on here, so start reviewing!
NO JOKE.
Anyways, before I continue I just want to comment on all the reviews relating to Customer Service.
I haven't read all of it as of yet, but it is so far a good fun read. The fact that our stories are similar is because they have been inspired by Meg Cabot's books, as we have both clearly stated.
To those that assume my story was a copy of Customer Service, check out the publishing dates; JADATO: 2004 and CS: 2005.
I am not suggesting that Customer Service was a copy of mine, because if you read the Authors notes it does say Just another Day at the Office was somewhat a stimulation to have an email-based story, but it was Meg Cabot books for both of us, that were the starting point for these stories.
For those who haven't checked Customer Service yet, do so, it's a good read.
For those that have reviewed thank you so much! I want to know what you think will/should happen, and it's amusing (yet frightening) to see that some of you have guessed it already: DAMMIT:D
Final chapter will be updated depending on the amount of reviews I get.
And now, onward to whatever this chapter is called, because I seriously can't remember…
Ah yes…Manure, Murders and David's garden hose
Just think about it.
And no, David's Garden hose did not get murdered after he shit everywhere, you freaks.
Chapter THIRTEEN: Manure, Murders and David's garden hose
Friday/Saturday
Friday 27/7
To: Herm
From: Draco
Re: socks
Listen Granger, you can't keep ignoring me- it takes two to tango, and it was your fault as much as it was mine…
Draco
P.S. Um, back to the sock thing, I can't get all the feathers out of them. You know how pillows have feathers and you transfigured my socks into pillows? You owe me new socks.
DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER
(DATE?)
Ouch, my head…it's killing me…
I feel like there are a million nails digging into my head…all being manoeuvred by gorgeous muscly men in singlets, sweating …ooh I just forgot my headache for a moment…
It must be the drugs…NOT that I'm taking any but well under the current circumstances, I'm running out of ideas…
(You know what I can't believe! I've been bloody drugged and the first thing I do is write in my journal…what the hell is wrong with me!)
Wait a tick…where the hell am I?
Oh my God! I can't get out…there's no doors, windows…I'm trapped!
I've got to get out of here! Help, somebody!
MALFOY!
(Why am I calling Malfoy…?)
Why am I still writing in this stupid book!
Oh wait a minute the door IS opening- Horrah there is a door…!
Oh my dear good Merlin…
(Tone)
Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…
(Beep)
Hello Hermione darling it's Sharmayne, where are you? Oh that's right, you got suspended, I'm sorry to hear about that sweetie, maybe we should all go on strike. Carl's throwing a spaz because you're not here, even though he told you to go… his head is actually going red, it's funny how much he and Michael resemble one another- it would be amusing if it wasn't so terrifying. Anyway, we miss you here darling. Especially Ted and I, we haven't got the latest gossip! Tata darling, Mwa!
To: Hermione
From: Carl
Re: okay Granger…
I know we suspended you, but we don't have an article for tomorrow from you! I don't care if you've been abducted or if you've just gone into labour, if I don't have a sheet of paper with some worthless crap on it; your ass is on the line.
Despite the fact you're suspended, you can still work from home.
To: DracoFrom: Ginny
Re: Hermione
Ok Draco I don't care what happened yesterday- well to be honest I'm intrigued, but I'll probably get more out of you than her- but is Hermione over at your house? Did you two have a wild sex romp yesterday and are still going at it? Because if that's the case, I'll leave you to it with a terrifying image in my head…
But if she's not, do you know where she is? Are you having some meeting or…oh I don't know! I've tried calling, emailing, but she hasn't responded…and she usually does!
If you had anything to do with this Draco, I will hurt you severely. I've got a hormone boost of late…
Ginny
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: Granger
What the hell goes in that small red head of yours Weasley?
"A wild sex romp"? Well no, but we were close to it a few days ago.
I have no idea where she is; I've tried contacting her, she owes me new socks…I thought she was with you…
Draco
Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…
Granger, what the hell is with your stupid Muggle phone thing? What have you smoked? Anyways, if you're there, pick up…any time you're ready…NOW would be nice…ok so you're obviously not there…which leaves the question WHY!
Great now we'll have to go on a major search…I'm a lawyer for god's sake; not some wasted idiot who searches for potentially dead corpses. If I wanted that job I'd become the Grim Reaper…
You had better be dead Granger, because now I HAVE to look for you…
(Ring)
(Ring)
"This had better be important David, or I'll hang up on you again…"
"Charming Draco, you're a natural…"
"Red? How did you get this number…only Granger…oh wait a minute…"
"Listen, I'm over at Hermione's: but she's not here, it's as if she never was! I checked her messages, yours was ahem, pleasant… but there was no sign of anything…but there is something Draco…"
"Whoa slow down Red. I lost you at pleasant: no need to be sarcastic"
"Just get over here Draco! I don't know if this was the remnant of your meeting with her…"
"Alright, I'll floo right over…"
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Thanks…
A lot for using the buildings fireplace when you flooed. There's so much green powder around to fill up a sumo's knickers. David's blaming me for the mess: 'you and your bloody pranks Grey. Now how are we going to clean up all of this green crap, what is it anyways?'
He whines more than my mother-in-law, it's like I never left home…
Where did you go by the ways?
Josh
To: Ginny
From: Draco
Re: Hermione's house
Um, Red when you said if "this was the remnant of your meeting with her" in your last email, I thought ok, well since I wasn't up there with her, it shouldn't be anything major, a few books thrown about and her bloody cat on the chair…but I never expected there to be a clean house…
So what was the big deal?
Draco
P.S. Pregnant are you? And let me guess, you're distraught because you don't know who the father is?
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: Hermione
I'm worried because of just that: her house is clean!
Yes you heard me…the once perfectionist witch is now a bit of a hippogriff when it comes to cleaning.
There should've been clothes thrown about and cups on the table…but there was nothing…
Might sound stupid to you, but something's not right…
Gin
P.S. yes I am not that it's your business, well not yet anyways…
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: nothing…
…sounds right to me these past few days.
We'll leave it for a few hours. And if she doesn't come home, then we'll start the interrogation.
Draco
HERMIONE'S JOURNAL
Jonks…it's his entire fault. He just showed up from a door in the wall like it was a natural occurrence: walking through the wall that is.
He just left me here trapped in the stone prison, with bread and cheese to survive on; if this were Ginny, there'd be major problems.
And he pulled a hair out of my head! He didn't even ask! He just yanked it out the bastard. I was trying to preserve them.
I asked him about Aneen and told him we were looking for her and knew he had her. He laughed and said: you don't need to worry about her anymore!
She's dead! She has got to be! And now, they're preparing me for the chopping board!
I'm so scared, what does he want me for? What have I done to him?
Well, except fracture his nose…
DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN
Well we've got her; the Mudblood bitch is hidden away; just where she ought to be.
I feel dirty keeping her in the house, but a few more days I'll have it all: the money and three heads to stuff and mantel on my wall.
She said they were looking for Aneen; well I knew that. No doubt Weasley and Malfoy will come to check the premises again and maybe Granger's…
Better give them something they asked for.
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: Okay…
It's almost 7:00 and there's no word from her. This is all too spooky, first Aneen and now Hermione: what sick game is he playing at? Not that I'm jumping to any conclusions that he's got them, but I haven't heard the introductions.
What did you end up finding at Aneen's house? Did you blow the door down? Maybe we should check it out again, you know maybe she came back?
What are we going to do? I'm so worried!
Gin
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: Bloody hell
You didn't jump you took a freggin leap.
You women worry too much you know that?
Granger and I checked it out already and there was nothing there. But I guess you won't listen to me, you'll have to act all Gryffindor-like and check it out yourself and I'll never hear the end of it.
Come round my office and we'll check out the Aneen's house again.
Bloody women.
Draco
P.S. Does you father have any idea where Jonks lives, being the Minister and all?
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: Awe!
I knew you cared.
I'll get Ted to hack into her computer then I'll bring it over. But I'm wondering if maybe you wanna check it out, see if she's been talking to a guy or something; you know just in case he's invading your territory :P
Oh I'm kidding
Gin
P.S. I'll ask him, but we're talking about a criminal here, they're never in the same place.
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: Watch…
…it Weasley.
Draco
(Beep)
How does this work? Is this bloody thing on? Bloody muggle technology…oh here we are…Yeah this is Draco, I'm not home obviously, so leave a message and go and annoy somebody else….bloody muggles….
(Tone)
I'm telling you Draco, change the message, I feel like I'm listening to angry Frankenstein. That Amy girl just came by the office after you left and left a lovely package. Well of course I found out it wasn't as delightful as I thought after I opened it up. She beautifully wrapped, I might say, a whole box of manure, with a side of stink bomb, just to add more flavour.
I have thoroughly sprayed my office with about 10 cans of air freshener and my windows have been permanently bolted open (I yanked off the fly screens, which proved to be an unsuccessful action on my behalf- and it's not just the flies…. The mix of strawberry air freshener and bug spray isn't a stench one would want to smell, believe me)
David says it serves me right for opening up someone else's package. So I tipped the whole box of shit on his desk. Serves HIM right for opening his mouth when no-one asked.
Oh well, call me back after this.
DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY
I'm sitting in a muggle taxi with the Weaslette next to me and we are heading to Granger's apartment to check it out. We've just come from Jonks' ex's place, but I tell you something is weird with that girl. Granger kept saying how innocent, calm and lovely she was; -and yet again she was right- but to me, she looked too calm for somebody living in the Muggle world and…well I basing it all on the eyes. The familiar green eyes, cold and yet holds warmth inside: who knows, maybe I'm basing it on Potter's…
Oh Lord, I need a drink or ten…
You could imagine the surprise Weaslette and I got when Aneen opened the door; we were partly disappointed when we could blow it down…we could've Alohomora'd it but it isn't as fun as blowing something up.
She told us she went on holiday to India to see her family, and that was it. She said she didn't want to bore us with the details. Gnish was asking so many questions, we were the ones interrogated instead of her.
We asked her about Jonks and she put on the waterworks: fake if you ask me- but I'm known as the cold-hearted arrogant self obsessed jerk- but Weaslette had fallen for it. "Oh I'm so scared, he came around last night and threatened me again. "'Come to this place in two days and if you don't'"… 'I don't know what to do.'
Blablabla, I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Don't get me wrong, she was nice and all; maybe too nice but I didn't go over to be sympathetic, I wanted to blow something up.
She took us on a tour of her house little knowing I had already seen it- and all the items in her bathroom cupboard, which Granger bolted shut with magic after she caught me snooping, I couldn't re-open them again! She showed us to the kitchen, bedrooms etc, but went straight past the bathroom I noticed, as well as that painting I saw a few days back.
I stopped to look at it; I couldn't put my finger on it, but there as something different about it. There was still people killing and dieing, I'm sure the numbers were the same, the green flashes of lights were there, though maybe darker; the main creature had on a black cloak, two eyes and a look of evil… I could see nothing had change though something was different.
Or was it?
I asked her about it, she replied she found it at a shop in the poorer side of London and felt a power to it. "I love art, and as you can tell, my house has heaps of art in it. This one tells a story…"
I tuned out around that time.
We're at Granger's now…again
And after, I'm off to the pub.
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: Menstruation
I know you haven't gone through it yet, but I'll give you a taste of it.
Remember I was telling you about the missing Aneen and Hermione, well they've both been found. It seems one of them went to see her parents and the other to India to see her family.
Granger got very touchy when I asked why she went, maybe because she was still mad at me from a few days ago, but I don't know why, I mean wouldn't any woman want to have a pash-a-thon with yours truly?
I sound like Felnof now, kill me, or bury me: if you're still in that suicidal phase; either way I'm planning to cark it.
I've known Granger for a long time Josh and unless she had a huge personality change, she was acting very different. She didn't snap back at me when I provoked her and didn't ask me any questions: Hermione ALWAYS asks me something, she never shuts up.
When we left Weaslette was a little worried too, but used the excuse (now wait for it) that Granger's Aunt Flow was visiting and her personality usually changes big time.
Load of piss-frog if you ask me, I'll just go and annoy her tomorrow then.
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: not right…
I'll tell you what's not right, a three year old beating her father at Monopoly. Yeah you heard me MONOPOLY! I knew I should've bought George Street when I had the chance…
You seem a little uneasy, you can't be serious that it wasn't her; I mean unless somebody kidnapped her and happened to look just like her right.
And who changes just because their relative comes to visit?
...oh wait a minute, I KNOW the feeling…
Josh
P.S. Where are you? I know you're not at home I tried calling.
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: You idiot…
Aunt Flow is not her relative you moron. It means PERIODS; you know what women go through once a month and the beast within unleashes its wrath!
Aunt Flow, figure it out.
Draco
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Aunt Flow
Then my mother-in-law had been going through it for the past 150 years.
To: Sue and John
From: Gin
Re: Hey
Hello, how are you?
I just want to keep this quick and short, but did Hermione come and visit you for a few days? I don't mean to pry but she seems a bit distant lately and I was wondering if you knew why.
Thanks so much, love to all
Ginny
Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…
Hello Hermione dear, it's Mummy just calling to see how you are – John don't put your dirty fingers in that Bolognese, who knows whose mouth they've been in- anyway, call me back when you get the message. I've tried contacting you for a while but you haven't been home…
Oh cut that out John, Bye dear…JOHN!
To: Gin
From: Sue and John
Re: Hermione
Hello dear,
Hermione hasn't seen us in a few months; did she tell you she came to visit us? I wonder why, oh you don't think she is in trouble do you?
I called her just after dinner but she wasn't home, she hasn't been in a while actually.
Oh I hope everything's alright Gin, call me as soon as you get a hold of her.
Love,
Sue
(Ring)
"What?"
"Hey Hermione it's Ginny."
"Oh, hey."
"Is something wrong? You sound different."
"I'm fine Ginny, just a bit tired you know."
"Oh okay. I was just wondering how you're settling in you know."
"I'm fine. You just saw me half and hour ago..."
"Okay, no need to sound so…"
"So what? Look I'm busy and I have to go…"
(Beep)
(Beep)
Malfoy,
I've got her and I will get my revenge.
If you want a chance to see her again, put 1 000 000 galleons in account 290705 at Gringotts by Sunday.
When it's there I'll give you the next step.
Jonks
Weaslette,
I don't care where this owl finds you:
Get your ass over my house right now.
Draco
Saturday 28/7
Dear Ginny,
You're pregnant? And you didn't tell your own mother! I had to find out from Ron who let it slip, who heard it from your father, who got it from Bill, who manipulated Charlie into saying it, who got it from the TWINS WHO WENT THROUGH LEE'S MEDICAL FILES AND FOUND IT!
Oh I'm going to be a grandmother again, how wonderful! Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Oh, I can start knitting some more booties, for both you and Luna.
Just one problem dear, who's the father? Oh no, you're not sleeping around are you? Not my little girl! Is it that muggle David's or maybe Harry's or…oh Ginny!
Come over tomorrow, I want to see my little girl! All you brothers will be over, and bring Hermione too!
Love Mummy
DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN
Tomorrow's the day.
I've waited years for this day, my 24th birthday and Malfoy's 27th; but only one of us will have time to celebrate it.
And it will be me, Malfoy won't figure it out.
He'll be too busy cleaning up the mess.
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Oh
When you told me to come over I thought it was about the present; thank god it wasn't because I really didn't want to carry it over to your house: the smell is seriously mutant.
So Jonks has Hermione eh? What's up with that! Maybe we should owl the authorities or something, I know you don't want to do it, but Gin was in hysterics and well, pregnant women aren't the nicest when they're throwing things all over the place.
…not that she could've added to the mess Jonks left your house in.
What are we going to do?
Josh
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: OH MY…
Oh my God…Oh my God!
I knew he had her! I told you I wasn't leaping into anything; I knew it from the start!
Oh poor Hermione what are we going to do?
Didn't we just see her yesterday though? Maybe that's why she had to get off the phone quickly when I rang her, Jonks was there!
Oh the trauma!
We should call the Aurors Draco, please!
Gin
P.S. My father couldn't get the address; the last record shows he fled the country…
Xavier,
I don't care for questions just answer mine and we'll be done.
Where the hell does Jonks live?
Draco
To: Josh; Gin
From: Draco
Re: This is what we're going to do…
First I'm going to call a cleaner and fix up this shit hole, and then I'm going to call the suicide hotline because when I get my hands on that Scumbag he's going to want to kill himself- but I don't want to encourage him, I'll be glad to kill him…
Then I'm going to send you Weaslette to a psychiatrist because you're going mental on me and I don't need another wacko woman in my life…
Then I'm sending Josh to the showers because your BO is bad. I think that stench has stuck itself onto your body because the O shouldn't follow the B, the O should be off the B when the B has had a shower, and alas the O has stuck and is killing the flies, adding more shit to my house.
Then I'm going to have a drink and buy a rope, which I will then attach to the ceiling and hang myself off like a pendulum. Then as a ghost, I will haunt everybody I don't like and give them massive wedgies and hex them so worms come out of their asses.
Does that answer your question?
Fr: Suicidal
P.S. DO NOT tell anybody about this. Weaslette you get Jonks' address and Josh, have a shower…
My dear disturbed cousin,
I can not give you that classified information, I have an oath as a lawyer be it Muggle or wizard to defend and protect my clients and their whereabouts.
Considering your history with the man, I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to kill him…
Xavier
To: Gin
From: Josh
Re: Don't you think…
...a true friend would take me to the showers first instead of getting the cleaners to fix his house? I tell you now; it's all about him…
We need to find Hermione and quick, he's going nuts without her…come to think of it, it was her that made him like this in the first place.
Well done:)
Josh
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: The present
Send it over to me
Xavier,
I'm sure your clients appreciate the gesture but I don't. Now unless you want to be the one dead, I suggest you give me his address.
Oh and if you don't, I'll tell our dear Aunt about the little orgy you had during the week.
Oh yes, I know about it, and I have evidence…
Don't worry I'm not going to kill him, although I would really love too, he just owes me some money for a cleaning bill…
I'm sure you'll value this gift as a token of my appreciation.
Your disturbed cousin,
Draco
P.S. Hurry it up will you…
To: Josh
From: Gin
Re: Draco
He's right you know, the O shouldn't stick to the B…I think we've come across an unstoppable force Josh, the alien stench has attached itself to your body and it won't let go…my the Lord be with you.
Gin
To: Gin
From: Josh
Re: At least…
It's keeping my mother-in-law away from me…
Draco,
You bastard.
27 Lars Ave London
It's magic you won't find it, it's tucked away…
You won't get away with this…
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: Tonight
I got Jonks' address.
Care to do a little snooping with me Johnny English?
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Snooping
Well, only if I get to be James Bond.
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: James Bond
NO! NOW STOP BEING SO IMMATURE!
I am going to be James Bond…
Didn't we have this conversation before on IM? The James Bond one I mean, not the conversation that you're an idiot.
That fact was known in the Stone Age when you were conceived.
Draco
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Are…
…you insulting my parents?
With the whole Stone Age thing, I mean.
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: Idiots…
…And you are one of them.
Come on, let's go now before David gets out of the toilets and makes us work overtime.
Draco
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: David
Every time that man goes to the toilets, he's out in like 10 seconds. It's like IT is a freggin garden hose on full force- and they're usually out of control, flicking around like worms on heat.
Seriously, have you ever stood next to him when he's taking a pee? I'd call it a whiz actually, because half a litre of water comes out in like 4 seconds, from the same distance like the rest of us, but the more force.
Josh
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: That's…
…Disgusting.
No seriously, what compelled your tiny, tiny little mind to inform me about David's urinating habits?
Do you stand there and calculate his peeing methods? Speed distance on time. We're not calculating velocity here you perverted wee obsessed freak.
Next time you go to the toilet, tell me so we don't end up peeing at the same time.
Draco
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Shit!
I can't believe it, I seriously can't!
I mean the stench it's revolting and it's not helping the fact the presents smell has stuck to both Xavier and I (I can't believe he went!)…and did you see that mark on his forearm? Besides the Dark Mark I mean, that little Skull next to the ugly big one. Doesn't that mean that Death Eater murdered one of his own kind if that's on there? I thought all of them were in Azkaban or dead!
Another mystery for I Johnny English to solve.
I had a deprived childhood, growing up with four sisters and all. All I could ever play with was their hair accessories and wizard dolls- you know the ones that sense if a male is playing with it and then wraps its hair around your body and tires to suffocate you? Yes my parents had a cruel sense of humour…
Josh
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: Um…
I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, but just remember who you're talking to hear ok?
I'm lost, I really am.
I've got to pay a huge amount of galleons to a person I don't know to an account I can't access. I haven't slept in two days and I have a day to find Granger, and the prime suspect has gone…
I can't call the authorities because we don't even know if Jonks existed, well the Jonks that we've been associating with anyways…
This is all too freggin weird.
Xavier fled the scene pretty quickly, I mean so would you if you saw what we did…
I've got to fins out whose account it is…
Draco
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: Jonks
Was HERMIONE THERE? OH PLEAE TELL ME SHE WAS, PRETTY PLEASE! I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE YOU SIDE OF THE STORY THAT SHE WAS REPLACED….
REPLACED!
If I could make these words any bigger I would, the anticipation is getting to me!
So what did you find at his house?
Gin
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: We found…
Nothing…
Well unless you count a rotting corpse who officials say has been dead for a week at least…
Jonks is dead.
Oh I know what you're going to say, but we got that letter off him yesterday and (I) Draco saw him…yes Gin, but that doesn't mean it's him. Unless you're forgetting, we live in a world with wizards and witches…nothing is as it seems…
SO we have a dilemma: who sent the message, who killed Jonks and why, how many people are in on the scheme, whose account am I pretending to transfer the money in…oh and where is our little Gryffindor who has cost me countless hours of sleep and is weighing down my POCKETS!
BLOODY HELL, this is why I hate associating with women, you have to drag along with their problems and their shopping…
I have your groceries here Weaslette, 'Man with the Missing Eye' and a whole lot of fly spray. Are you planning to go camping and read?
Draco
Shane,
Malfoy has gone to breaking point, I don't think he'll be a threat to us anymore.
We get the money and run remember my plan; if only Jonks actually went through with it, he wouldn't be a rotting corpse right now; it has been successful until now.
They found about him, Jonks I mean. Hopefully the guard I put on the vault just now will hold, no doubt Malfoy will be looking there soon.
We haven't the time to stall, so leave the Mudblood where she is, let her rot too, and if they find her, we'll get her next time.
Tomorrow at 12:00 the money will be in and then we'll be out.
I'll come see you later tonight to discuss the intricate details.
DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY
This is getting too freggin' weird and not just Josh's pee obsessions. It's like one of those shitty story lines on the Muggle Bold and the Beautiful, except its real life. Jonks is dead and Medi wizards say he was killed earlier in the week, and yet I saw him last night after he trashed my house.
Right now I'm going through a couple of emails Hermione's sent and received, I don't know how this is relevant, but I think she owes me one. I just went through some newspaper copies the Weaslette sent, it seems they had their suspicions about Jonks too; not that I'm reading these, just skimming…
Good Lord, the Lady and the Tramp both like me…the Lady: Ted and the Tramp: Sharmayne…I told Granger my joke once and the punched me…ha, it was worth it…
Bloody Weasley hasn't come around to pick up her shopping that she left here when I called her over…all that fly spray: it's for the office, she said, there's been this fly that keeps annoying me and I can't kill it…
I guess she thinks four cans can…
And this bloody book, it's cramping my style. I haven't got a book in my house and this one has ruined the tradition, she had better come quick…I have to know if she got access to the account…
Uhg, I can't stand this anymore, that book is killing me…its like a nagging wife, the sound irritable and yet soothing at the same time…I'm going to go check the it out, the pull it has toward me is almost magic…ha, as if!
It's not like there's anything interesting in these emails anyway: ok, I lied…
OH MY GOD!
DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER
I have written myself a little poem, and if I ever get out of here I might SHOVE IT IN CARL'S FACE AND SAY: read it.
The chronicles of a Hostage and a Ghost named Barry:
My only food is dairy,
And I smell like cheese
The stench is killing me
And it has brought fleas
My bottom is killing me
I've been sitting for so long
Thank god I wore boy-leg
And not my skimpy thong
I've been talking to myself
And I sound like a freak
My mate Barry says
My future sounds bleak
So I punched him in the face
And I hurt my hand
But Barry is only a ghost…
I think I am going mad
I tell him I've been in here for months
Or maybe even years
Barry say's I'm exaggerating
But he's the one unclear
I see him in my dreams
He haunts and rules my head
He says, "There's two of them in on it
The other one's long dead
"The plan unfolds tomorrow
And you'll be left to rot
They're after Malfoy too and
He's the only one you've got.
"Don't trust the ones you do
And don't listen to their advice
Because down the winding track
You will pay the price
"You have been deceived
The plan made long ago
To trap and capture those they hate
Their anger only grows
With revenge on their minds
It hastily unfolds
Tomorrow is the final day
This is what I'm told
I can't tell you who they are
Though you do know them well
But to find the clues left behind?
Only time will tell
The main clue left is
A man who can nott see
Though he gains an eye
He is your only key
With the ability to see
Can surely sense change
And what once was
Is not the same again
Though it is slight
A test full of flashes of green
The passing mark can
Only be seen
I've told the tale
And I see the most
But what would I know
I'm only a ghost."
He wouldn't shut up
So I opened my eyes
His aurora left
Though not had the flies
So I sat wondering
My vision was blind
And though I could see
The sense I couldn't find
So I will sleep again
And will enter Barry and his crew
With love from my cheesy bug trap
I bid you all adieu
I had to write what the single-eyed ghost said down, it has been haunting me for the past few nights when I try to sleep... it's as if he's trying to tell me something…
So I wrote it into a poem and added my own touches to it, it's the only thing I can do without thinking of the loo…
Oh great now I'm talking in fregging rhyme…
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
SouredSweetie
Can you figure out the clues? Ha! How corny…
But seriously, if you can, shut up!
I mean it…
I can't have you figuring them out when I can't
…