Authors note:
Well here it is, and I must say the last two chapters were the hardest ones to write out of the whole story: which is why dislike them both.
Alas here it is.
Thanks to all those that reviewed, it really meant a lot to me. I won't pester you to review, because it hasn't worked in the last 13 chapters so if you want to please do and if you don't; well there won't be a sequel up will there! I'm not talking follow-ups yet, although I have an idea for one I'm not sure if I will be posting it up…you'll just have to invent the conclusion yourselves…but if you review I might reconsider…
HA!
Ahem, getting back to sanity now, bare with this chapter, I know it's slightly repetitive but it's hard to write what happens when all the writing is in emails and diary entries…I don't even know if it'll work out!
If any of you can remember back to the first two chapters, you will see some of its concepts incorporated into this chapter too. I though you might like to know, but to be honest I just don't know what to say.
To any of you who have read my Oliver/Hermione fic: Always, I have finally updated! About fregging time eh?
Thankyou and enjoy!
SouredSweetie
P.S. Biro's are very good pens. The fact that they are constantly running out in this story is for the purpose of humour only and not of its manufacturing abilities: so don't sue.
P.P.S. Certain stories mentioned in this one were not written by Wizards. Although I don't know these authors personally, I'm sure that they don't specialise in the religion of Wicca, but if they do, hey, it was a good guess.
Chapter FOURTEEN: Two Biro's, a Pan and a whole pack of Weasleys
Sunday 290705
Monday 300705
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: I have a conclusion
Maybe it's the lack of sleep that's causing my delusion, but I have a theory. Perhaps test monkeys are holding Hermione for ransom and are planning to eat her!
I have no evidence to support that theory, nor my insanity.
I wish I could help you out mate, but I wouldn't know where to start.
If you need anything, just floo over.
Josh
P.S. Are you sure you don't want the authorities in on this; I mean, ok you won't really give them a sufficient time frame to work on, but hey, they've got magic stuff that should find out the perpetrator pretty fast: and then we can kill him.
Mr Tom Ato
We give you our deepest sympathy over your cousin's tragic death. We have tried to track down any other living relative to give over his possessions, alas his only living one is you.
We are therefore handing over all his assets to you, Mr Ato.
If you could please come to the Possessions Left After a Tragic Death (PLATD) office and pick up his goods, it would be greatly appreciated.
Colin Creevy,
Director of the Ministry's
Possessions Left After a Tragic Death
Department.
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Okay…
Are you ignoring me because I haven't wished you a happy birthday yet? Because I didn't even know!
I only found out because I went to pick up some packages from the Ministry which belonged to Jonks.
(You know when we went over and they asked who we were and I said I was his cousin Tom Ato- I thought it was very clever- so we didn't look too suspicious. Well I had a bit of a snoop and well I found this weird letter mentioning something about your birthday and theirs…blabla…and how today it was your death or theirs…
Some stupid crap…
So happy birthday, what are you 27? You old fart…well don't tell that to Marz, she's 27 too…
Josh
(Ring)
(Ring)
"'Ello"
"Ash, its Draco can you get me your dad please?"
"Oh hello Unci Draco, what are you doing?"
"I'm a bit busy sweetie; can you get your dad?"
"He's on the toilet I fink; probably looking at some naughty magazines that mum takes away from him…"
"Sounds like him, can you yell out to him?"
"DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Is that loud enough?"
"Sure Ash is he coming…"
"Uh oh…MUM……"
"Hello?"
"Marz, its Draco, I think you need a new secretary, my ear drums are ringing. Can you get Josh…?"
"Yeah yeah, I just though you might want a chat since I haven't seen you in years…"
"MARZ!"
"Oh alright, here's the idiot…"
"Yo Draco"
"Listen you cannibalistic delusional, what did that letter say exactly?"
"Oh I don't know. It was a page out of someone's diary, but the name was torn off…"
"What did it say?"
"Draco, why do you care so much…alright alright…no need to sound animal on me…AHEM:"
"Hurry"
"You're worse than my mother-in-law, and just before I start: I wasn't on the toilet."
"If I have to go over there…"
"Where? To the toilet? Haha, hmmm. This is all I can make out of it, you egocentric bastard, ahem!
'Tomorrow's the day.
My 24th birthday and Malfoy's 27th… but one will have time to celebrate it…And it will be me'
That's all I can make out of it…"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, why's it so important?"
"Look just bring it all over and I'll talk to you about it…"
"Okay, but I'm you're keeping this painting, it's of some old fart with like thousands of warts on his ugly head…YEAH YOU HEARD ME YOU STUPID PAINTING…it heard me Draco…"
"Keep it over there, bye…"
"Bu-"
(Beep)
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: I am like so going to cry…
With the hormones and the money and this stupid totally yummy mushroom pasta with added anchovy sauce I'm eating…I'M A COMPLETE WRECK!
Oh don't get me wrong, the food is delicious even for breakfast, but this whole thing with Hermione, I'm so worried!
I have to go over my mum's today, but I really don't want to Draco, but if I don't they'll know something's up and then well mum will get mad with me and I'll never eat her chicken soup with a dollop of yogurt on the top and basil and chilli…mmmmmmmm….again!
DO YOU SEE WHAT KIND OF STATE I'M IN!
Let's go to the authorities or at least let me tell my dad! I have to do something!
Gin
To: Gin
From: Draco
Re: "I have to do something"
Maybe you should eat then? Perhaps that's why you're delirious, but by the sound of your email, I think you may be eating through the screen…
I'm not going to the authorities and don't tell your dad Weaslette, because then your whole family will find out, (and the size of your family is half of London's population) and everyone will know.
Josh and I have some leeway on who it is…
Just go to your parent's house and scoff yourself full of food.
Draco
P.S. where did you get that book you left over my house?
DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER
I have to keep this short because my pen is running out. Typical of a Biro to run out in a crisis, bloody German's…at least I think they invented these… ah crap, I've just wasted two lines on a biro…
My friend Barry didn't haunt my dreams yesterday, so it's pretty lonely here in this dungeon all alone…solitary…niggelled…did I mention alone?
Stupid Biro, it's running out…c n't get in a w rd…
Oh my g d th w ll is o e ing!
a f ?
en?
Bl dy Bi o
To: Draco
From: Gin
Re: Oh…
I can't remember: heck I don't even know what I'm eating…I think I just ate pickles with mayonnaise…you should try it…
Actually, the book's Hermione's….oh the poor girl, it's been what 2 days…It was her favourite when she was a kid…when I brought it to work no one liked it: Ted, Carl and especially Aneen thought it was disturbing…but Hermione was always a little eccentric…
Oh the inhumanity of it all…but these pickles are really nice….
Gin
TAPE:
DM:This is the only way humanly possible that I can set down all my suspicions…the muggle way.
JG: Why are you talking about humanity? We all know you're a monster…
DM: Josh do you want to be in this investigation or not?
JG: Oh all right. But I still think you should've written it down instead of recording it…
DM: I hate writing; my Biro always runs out.
JG: I hate when that happens. Alright, first question:
DM: Why are you in charge?
JG: Because I don't know any answers that you're going to question me on…
DM: Good Lord…okay, ask away…
JG: what am I supposed to be questioning that you'll be answering?
DM: I'm beginning to think a monkey would do a better job that you…
JG: Oh I'm joking. Now, who are the suspects and what are the pro's and con's against them being the assassins:
DM: She's not dead idiot.
JG: Look just write it down and I'll read it out.
DM: Alright.
SUSPECTS:
PRO'S AND CON'S
Josh Grey:
Pro:
He's always wanted my money. In college he took my wallet and hid it in the freezer so I couldn't find it. But I found it and noticed he stole 20 pounds to buy some chewing gum and a Superman comic.
He's one of my best friends and therefore not someone I would initially consider, but his name is on my list, so I did consider it…ha!
Con:
He's too much of an idiot to think up a stupid plan like this.
Gin Weasley:
Pro:
Her family never liked me and might want extra financial gain
Con:
They have enough money, thanks to their idiotic twins and the father
She's too busy scoffing down killer amounts of food and other foreign objects in retaliation to Hermione's kidnapping.
All she would be able to do to Granger is suffocate her with Marshmallows and chocolate sauce
Marz Grey:
Pro:
May want a little adventure in her life, after all she is married to Josh
Con:
Too busy with the kids to even care about what anybody else is doing: except for those lives in The Bold and the Beautiful, she's fascinated by those horny muggles
Ashley Grey:
Pro:
The kid is a serious trouble maker
Con:
I think its self explanatory
Xavier Malfoy:
Pro:
Well, he hates my guts
Wants my inheritance
Doesn't like anybody I know
His case ran away from him, enabling me to win another case against him
Doesn't like, um, those born without full blood
I caught him in an interesting position with Pansy Parkinson and another man
Have many secrets
He's a Death Eater
Con:
He's too pathetic to go along with a threat
Pansy Parkinson:
Pro:
She was my ex-girlfriend
I wrote a musical about her: Tramps Ahoy! And it became a huge success.
Doesn't like Hermione or I
She's not a Death Eater, but knows their secrets
Con:
I have her on tape doing naughty things with two other men; I can blackmail her and ruin her career
She's a Mariah Carey Diva
Percy Weasley:
Pro:
He's pathetic enough to think of something stupid like this
He was good at potions
Con:
He's a traitor to the Weasley's; he's too stupid to even exist
Jeremiah Jonks:
Pro:
Well, he was suing Hermione for a pathetic case
Doesn't really like Hermione Granger
Granger punched him in the nose
Hates Malfoys
Malfoys put him in jail
Con:
Well, he's dead
Missing his hair: hair used in potions
Not a Death Eater
Unknown Death Eater:
Pro:
Knows all Malfoy's secrets
Angry that Malfoys didn't get caught
Safe case: no-one knows of a loose Death Eater
Hater of Muggleborns
Wants revenge over Voldy's death: Wonder Trio
Probably living in a shit hole so want my money
Animagus'
Powerful
Con:
Why attack now?
Their aren't any left in England
Most are dead
I would know if they were alive and well, this would be one case I would fail
They're too stupid
DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN
I can't believe that Malfoy scum is making me wait for him; I am too eager to go and take the money out of my account and forget the deal.
Poor Granger would've gotten a heart attack seeing me, I know that Mudblood cow is smart, she'll figure it out before that idiot Malfoy does…
But by then we'll be long gone…
But I can't do anything until he comes here…
TAPE
JG: You put my name on the list, on the basis of Chewing gum and a comic? I'm insulted!
DM: Is there anyone I'm forgetting?
JG: Ron Weasley?
DM: No, he'd be under Percy…
JG: Can you think of any other Death Eaters…besides yourself?
DM: I'm not a Death Eater you moron. No, only Xavier and…no, that's impossible
JG: What is?
DM: Nothing. And anyway, Xavier looked really surprised at Jonks' death
JG: We'll he ran pretty quickly…but we can't rule him out. There must be like 2 people in on this…
DM: I don't know… I checked out that account I was supposed to put the money in and it hasn't been used in over ten years. It is a private account, only authorised personnel know who the owner is…it can activated on specific dates
JG: What was the account?
DM: 290705
JG: ha, it's weird eh? That account number looks like today's date…
DM: What did you say?
JG: 29 07 05…that's today's date…so anyway…
DM: Holy Merlin. The account can be operated on specific dates. You don't think some idiot waited ten years for this day do you?
JG: Draco mate, I find it hard to think at all.
DM: So it's obviously a Wizard who is a Death Eater or knows of their secrets…
JG: Maybe it's a witch…and what secrets are those?
DM: Well, my birthday for starters is today, I was born today 27 years ago…
JG: Wow, I mustn't be the only one not thinking…
DM: Well Death Eaters had this special ceremony things, they had two birthdays: one when they were popped out and one when the would be brought into the world of eeeeeeevvvvvvillllll
JG: I'm so glad you're making a joke of this. So your saying, August 25th is when you were supposed to be indited (sp?) and July 29 is your real birthday.
DM: See it doesn't hurt to think…
JG: Oh trust me; my head is spinning over time. The only people with those connections we know are…
DM: Pansy, Xavier, my Aunt, the late Jonks and well Shane Nigen, but she's been long gone…
JG: She? I thought she was a he…
DM: no, I'm pretty sure she is a she and not a he…
JG: I thought he joined some cult…I mean she….who names their daughter "Shane"
DM: Her father wanted a son and well, a girl was as close as they got… As smart and talented as she was, she was a wacko…in fact; I remember reading something about her in Granger's emails…
JG: Snooping through trouble are you? She'll kill you if she ever finds out…
DM: Let's hope she's alive by the time she murders me…
JG: So back to Shane: how did you know her.
DM: Her family were notorious in Dark Magic. They were animagus', masters at all magic, whether it be potions or defence…I used to hang out with her when our parents were at the meetings, told me a lot of secrets she did…I also realised I was hanging around with a lunatic who planned to take over the world personally and when it came to the war I ignored them and left.
JG: Maybe we should add her to the list.
DM: She's long gone…I'll be back in a minute…
JG: … … so what are you doing these days Josh 2? Well, Josh 1, I'm just sitting alone talking to a recorder. I've heard that's happened a lot to you lately Josh 2? Yes Josh 1, this is what life's all about. Geez Josh 2, is it just me or does it smell around here? I agree Josh 1, the bugs love it…Oooh what's this book?
DM: Here this'll take care if your fly problem…
JG: you heard me?
DM: I heard enough to know that you have multiple personalities…and along with that several issues that need to be addressed.
JG: I can't believe you have a book in your house. Hermione's influence?
DM: it's hers; the Weaslette left it over my house along with all the fly spray…
JG: you know I've seen this picture before, is it a muggle book?
DM: Yeah…Butterbeer?
JG: Sure. I wonder why this is familiar; I've seen it in some book before…maybe in Muggle University…
DM: well that's nice, I'm planning to burn it. So where's this box you stole?
JG: huh? Oh, it's over in the living room…
DM: I'll go get it…
JG: whatever. Oh I know where this is from! When I went on my first date with Marz, how lovely and peaceful it was…I wished it stayed like that…I remember her blabbing on about something in one of her Wizard Uni's text books… but I wasn't listening properly…
DM: What? Were you talking again…?
JG: this is a Wizard painting Draco, and from what I can remember it's a historic artefact…
DM: Right. Jonks' stuff are interesting. Look at all these antiques, little trinkets and ooh this is nice…
JG: Draco this is a side of you I've never seen before, and quite frankly I'm horrified.
DM: these would be worth thousands of galleons Josh. If Jonks owned these why would he want any money from me? And whoever killed him could've taken all these things and exchanged them for galleons. But they didn't and yet they want money from me…
JG: Revenge maybe?
DM: well that broadens the spectrum then. Let's just say everyone wants a piece of me or from me in this case. Pansy, Xavier…
JG: what about you and Hermione, she's in this too…
DM: well then a pureblood too. I need time to think, it's almost 11:00…
JG: Well you think and I'll go email Marz, I'm curious to know…
END TAPE
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: Hey it's Josh
Darling, sweetie, pumpkin, hot stuff, my sexy mumma…
You remember when we first went out and you were talking bout one of the books in your Wizard Art History class. Well remember the one with the evil looking one eyed man, with dead people behind him…I think you were saying he was used as a character in a muggle book…well what do you know about him?
Love you,
Josh
To: Draco
From: Marz
Re: I should've known…
That when you started saying sweet things to me that you wanted something in return…you're so pathetically predictable…
Maybe you should've listened instead of looking down my top, and then you wouldn't be in this predicament…
You're sleeping on the couch tonight,
Marz
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: Oh come on…
That was years ago, I've had two kids since then: give me a break.
It's urgent Mary, I need you to tell me whatever you remember about it.
I'll make it up to you…I'll stay home with the kids for a week and you can go on a huge shopping spree!
Josh
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: Hmm…
Make it a month
Mary
P.S. I didn't see YOU lugging around 5kg babies for NINE months you oaf…
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: You're…
Pushing it you know that…but fine…a month
Now spill
Josh
JOURNAL OF GINNY WEASLEY
Thank Merlin I brought with me my diary or otherwise I'd go as crazy as the twins, who have just given Ron one of their new inventions: bubblegum that blows out through any orifice on the body: another hit for the pranksters I'm gambling…
So when I first got here, it was all hugs and kisses how are you's etc…AND THEN the bloody interrogation comes…
How could you do this?
Who's the father?
Ginny you devil you!
How far are you along?
Do you want some Apple pie?
Yep, pretty tough questions so I pretended to feel faint and ignored them all: except for the pie question, I scoffed that bugger down pretty fast.
It was a typical Weasley gathering, the twins making a nuisance of themselves, Bill and Charlie zooming furniture at each other their wives ignoring them successfully and Ron, who is and always will be an idiot trying to beat dad on the playstaion which Dad eagerly invested in.
Oh yep, he still loves all things muggles and mum pretends to hate his fascination- but I've seen her playing on the game: she's a Nazi on the fighting ones…
So at dinner I innocently brought up the question about a certain account in a certain area with the made up numbers 290705…dad nearly choked on his steak and the boys all gave me weird stares…I live with animals I'm telling you.
Dad said he knew of the account, but couldn't say anything about it because of security reasons. He said it was a very private and personal family owned account and that was it.
Then he turned the questions on me and well, I think Draco's going to kill me…
I kinda told them what happened…
The account number, Jonks' death, the ransom, the kidnapping, the court case, the relationship between Hermione and Draco…anything that happened over the last few weeks I spilled it out before I could gobble it back up.
Then he swore a little and told us the account is a dark Wizards one and that families kill to own it and all the possessions inside. Only three have owned it so far: the Nott's, Malfoy's and the latest one: Nigen's. It's the first time they'll be accessing the accounts because it works only on a specific date…
I then realised the next time it could be opened is today…
Now a Weasley uproar has begun and everyone's heading off to Draco's apartment…except the twit has so many protection spell on his house that we can't get in so Dad's gone to get some floo powder that can get you anywhere even through spells…
I think I've started World War III and since my family is so huge, you can believe half the world is on one side…
So I'm writing while I'm waiting because mum's not letting me out of her sight: dammit, so I can't go to his place ahead of them…
Well I'm not just writing I'm attacking the other half of the pie mum made, with extra whipped cream…whoops, some of it fell on my diary, I might have to eat it too soon.
All the boys have their wands and mum's holding her yummy triple chocolate cake with a frying plan in the other hand in hopes to try and persuade the crooks to eat instead of resulting to violence. When I asked her about the frying pan, she said if they refused she would knock some sense into them until the agreed.
Personally I think she's been knocked over the head too many times.
I hope Hermione's alright, because I think I'm going to be the one dead by the end of this…
DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY
It could just be a co-incidence right?
I mean sure all the pros are there but, it's not possible is it?
Maybe my mind has gone into lock down after all the vodka yesterday…not that I'm an alcoholic, it's just when I figure things out, that can not be remotely possible (like when I found out my cousin is a dominatrix and my Ex is a soap star with certain sexual fantasies) that I start sculling them down so it doesn't seem real.
Which reminds me, I have a serious migraine right now…
Yep, I'm delusional, it's not true!
(Well it is true that I'm insane, but my theory is wrong…)
RIGHT?
WRONG?
I'm just talking opposites now.
I mean it couldn't be Xavier? When I went through his personal emails- I can't believe that hypocrite uses muggle technology, and here I was writing to him with my shitty biro- and found out some things, from Pansy and Percy mind you, but also a number, the one Josh made me realise that I'm dealing with Dark Magic: 290705…he knows about it, and someone is in on it with him who has access to the account!
If only I knew who, because I could find them and pummel their ass senselessly into a pile of horse shit and make them eat it then throw it up and eat it again! If only I knew who he sent it too, because if I know Xavier, he'll take the money and leave the other mastermind to reap all the Repercussions…
AH shit ass crap sucker bloody bugger!
Josh is making me read some stupid email now…why do I even bother with him…
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: Oh Alright…
Though I don't see what the point is, the painting has been missing for ages…
I can't recall the exact name of the painting but it holds a deep and dark secret. It was used for dark magic to hold and trap 'Mudbloods' or any enemies of the owner of that house. The story is the painting would have a single suspicious eye at first, that would bore itself into you and absorb you into its sight and take you from the world and you'd die: murdered by a portrait, wouldn't you like to see that on your headstone?
But now, historians have taken the fun away and have discovered the portrait open ups (you have to stick your fingers into its eye socket and pull like crap) and the people get thrown into it….its like a secret room that no one knows about.
You usually know if someone is in the room if another eye appears on the evil wizards face. All the people in the background of the picture are its victims, since last count it was ten.
Some wizards then stole its idea and wrote it into a children's novel for muggles. You know Josh a lot of muggle stories are written by wizards: Deltora Quest, the Lord of the Rings and Pride and Prejudice- no man can be that magical, oh Mr Darcy…
I think it's a fascinating story and I can't believe you weren't paying attention years ago. I knew when I married you instead of asking do you take blabla, I should've quizzed you on that painting…
How's Draco doing? Any luck with Hermione yet? The poor thing…
Marz
DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY
I know who it is.
It was in front of me the whole time.
Those cruel eyes and the name: the account, the dark magic and the flies Granger and Weasley were whining about!
Wizards can do anything: change their shape, change their name and even their form.
And she did it all.
Shane Nigen.
The Death Eater, the Animagus and the potions master. Was the smartest and only witch in Durmstrang, everyone feared her, they all knew who she was: daughter of notorious Death Eater parents, who owned the darkest portrait of all.
Jonks was the perfect cover up, use him as a boyfriend of a close friend, a man who always knows where his beloved is: "as if it was magic". When she didn't need him anymore, she killed him as he knew all her secrets. Shave his head off and use his hair as ingredients for the polyjuice potion: clever.
Jonks got my details off me at the hospital when I took him there; he knew where I lived and gave the info to her. I could've been an easy target, but they had rather Granger, someone 'close to me".
Shane was never found, disappeared without a trace; or did she? Didn't end up buzzing around annoying everybody, scheming and gathering details from her little maggot heap? Yeah, she was a clever animagus; the common fly.
Staring at her name, Shane Nigen, I couldn't place the tingling sensation when I read it. I've seen those letters before. She was never clever, Lucius used to say, and I believe it. She could've used the names:
Inge
Inga
Nina
Genie
But no, she chose a foreign name to fit a foreign persona. She chose:
Aneen Gnish
A nice little acronym don't you think?
We couldn't find her, because she never existed. She left her new job because she never had it. Jonks was always there, because she was always with them planning and scheming. She trashed my city unit: it wasn't Jonks; he was long dead because he knew too much and wanted to bail out.
She hates me; I left her alone to get caught when the Aurors came to get the Death Eaters. I never got my Dark Mark, I broke the Malfoy chain…I didn't even help bail her out. But why should I? I was used by my father I was supposed to be the next right hand to evil Voldy.
THANK GOD I didn't follow them. I'm not a Slytherin because I'm bad; I'm a Slytherin because I'm Sly and cunning…haha, the suckers. But she didn't want me, no my stupid cousin did, Nigen wanted Granger...
She's jealous of her, because Granger killed Voldemort and because she was better at everything than Shane. Dislike turned into a passionate hate and she obsessed with Hermione and now she has her…
In the portrait, that's in her hallway…if only I hadn't skimmed over it, if I had looked closer maybe I'd have recognised the second eye: signifying that it had someone, it had her.
I'm such an idiot. I remember writing in this stupid diary that it had one eye and then it had two…
Why the hell am I still writing in this?
I've got to go get Granger, she owes me a new Biro and socks.
To: Marz
From: Draco
Re: Well, I have that book and I'm betting Draco…
Knows where it is, because I told him to read the email, and he bolted out the room after he wrote something in his diary…ooh he left it here…
Dear Lord Marz, he knows who it is! And I must say, despite the urgency, his writing is very neat…he's going after her…oh this is terrible…ooh what should I do? If I were standing up I probably would've soiled myself!
OH MY GOD!
A whole bunch of people just exploded out of the fireplace…oh look there's Ginny, hi Gin: she's eating a whole cake (triple chocolate) by herself…
Uh oh…
Draco's going to kill her…
To: Draco
From: Marz
Re: I'll tell you…
What to do.
Put on a nappy and grow up!
Act like a man you sheep!
Go after them!
Marz!
P.S. if there's any cake left over, can you bring some home?
DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN
It's been almost two hours where is he? If he ditched me, I'm going to go and find him and shove him in the painting too, the bastard…
Oh great who the hell just apparated…
DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER
Okay I got the pen to work, I did some serious blowing into the tube and I hope it will work, despite the fact half the ink is in my mouth.
Note to self: do not inhale when facing a tube full of black ink, exhaling is more beneficial.
As I was writing, Xavier Malfoy and Shane Nigen appeared from the only chance I have to escape. Then they told me everything, and they stressed out that I was going to die alone in here about 50 times.
They told me about their plans, how they used and murdered Jonks with the polyjuice potion, how Shane was actually my dear friend Aneen who put on a spell to transform herself. How she was an animagus: a fly at that and spied on Gin and I at work when she 'left'. How they tricked Draco and Gin into believing they were talking to me, but it was Shane…she must've made that potion from that hair she yanked out of my head.
They had planned everything from the court case to the ransom they had on me: but I laughed it off: there was no way Malfoy would pay that much for me…
Then they laughed and said I was stupid and Xavier told me how much Draco was fretting and loosing his mind… I thought it was the alcohol, but Xavier said: "NO Mudblood, it's you" they never thought anything would happen between us, and I still stress it there's nothing going on, but Xavier thinks there is.
If that's the case, if I ever get out of here I'm going to plant a big one on Draco's mouth!
So I was betrayed and used and now am going to die here all alone…solitary…nigelled…alone…
I think I've been down this road before…
Oh my god! I hear voices…very loud, angry voices…
HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
I really think I should be yelling it instead of writing it down…
AHEM…
I hope they heard me, I know the dogs did they're howling like mad.
Oh dear, someone has crashed into a wall…
Oh no they're coming my way…
This may be my only chance…
Get ready Granger because when that door opens I'm going to punch the crap out of whoever's there…
Th n I'm g i g to run f r my li e.
D mn B ro
Hey Ginny!
It's me Hermione! I'm freeeeeeee, and I've never been so blinded by the light in my life! But can we not take about eyes anymore, Draco was just giving this huge story of the portrait I was locked in and how the eye meant something…and then I told him about the poem about the eye I made up (he said I was going mad and that I smelled, so I'm kinda glad I punched him in the face when he rescued me)
Well I didn't know it was him! I was planning to escape: I heard someone approaching the door and I promised myself that I would hit the person and then run for my life. I just didn't expect Draco to be the one at the door.
So I punched him and he swore: and then I realised what I did and helped him up, half laughing half in pain…well I was laughing…HE was the one in pain: turns out Shane is a pretty good dueller and hit him a couple of times into the walls and sculptures. Then he said something like, "now I know why Jonks wanted to sue you, you hit pretty hard Granger."
I said, "Well, I'm surprised you forgot about third year."
Then we started arguing again and I was so glad! I've never been so happy to be arguing with Draco in my life!
Then Shane started stirring and pulled her wand on me. Luckily Draco has quick reflexes and knocked her out with his own dark spell.
Before I could ask any questions, the front door blasted open and a whole tribe of redheads emerged from the smoke.
I couldn't stop laughing and neither could Malfoy, who really wasn't laughing, he never shows his teeth…but well you know what I mean.
"See I told you everybody likes blowing up a door" Draco said.
I couldn't help but laugh at your mother who was standing in the middle of it all; her frying pan raised up in the air and looked ready to beat someone with it. Your father and brothers were all standing back away from her, probably frightened too.
Before I could do anything, Arthur whisked Draco away and fixed him up and they went somewhere to the unknown with your brothers; probably gone to Gringotts to find Xavier…
That's when your mother told me you were with Joshua and Ron at Draco's place because you're pregnant.
YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! Congratulations Ginny, I'm so happy for you! Ahhh how exciting!
Right now I'm still at Shane's house, or whoever she murdered to get it, and I just had a shower. Hehe, I had to use her for something…
Your mothers just gone out to inspect something she said…
Shit! Shit shit shit!
God, I hope this bird gets to you…Xavier's here…
Monday
To: Josh, Gin
From: Marz…
Re: Okay…
I've sent both Draco and Hermione an email telling them to go to lunch together….but they don't know who the other person will be right…right…
So I'm sending them to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen and we'll go too, you know and spy on them: but they won't see us, get what I'm saying?
NO neither do I!
It's at 1:00, so be there by about a 12:45!
Catch ya later
Marz
To: Josh
From: Gin
Re: I think…
Your wife needs to get out more. But I'm up for the food!
Gin
To: Gin
From: Josh
Re: Well…
She will be in the next month to come. I promised her a whole month of babysitting and money for her to go on a major shopping spree…
Hey Gin, you want a bit of practice with kids? You wanna take one half of the month and I the other?
: D
Josh
To: Hermione
From: Carl
Re: HA!
Fat chance
Gin
To: Hermione
From: Carl
Re: Good to…
Have you back Granger. You're lucky you came back today because you didn't leave enough workfor tomorrow.
Now I'm not going all mushy on you but this place is going crazy without you. Sharmayne was so worried when you didn't reply to all you messages she actually ate a large triple cheese pizza all by herself! And Ted started an email war, attaching a virus he called Xena to all the email he sent. The virus would then attack the sound on the computer and a loud piercing Xena sound would come out. It sounded like out office was some sort of tribal ceremony.
When everyone found out about the virus they purposely opened them all up so they didn't have to work…they were arguing the fact that we were almost going to fire you…
Now, get back to work!
Carl
To: Carl
From: Hermione
Re: it's good…
To be back.
Hey I'm thinking, instead of writing a political article, maybe I could start up a new column about a story? And each week I'd post up a new chapter, or maybe every three months… (Inside joke)
Here's my idea:
There was once a girl who had a deadened job that she was going no where with and had a pain in the ass boss. Anyway, after a night out with her colleagues she gets into some trouble- she hits a guy; she's a feminist- and finds herself in a court case. However what she doesn't know is that three people have already planned the outcome and are preparing to kidnap her and hold her for ransom to the man they want to attack.
So anyway, the lawyer and she don't get along; they never did in school either, and end up liking each other (maybe just a little) after the huge ordeal. So they pash at a deposition, and its being taped and they end up catching (the lawyers) his cousin in some randy acts of sexual behaviour.
So they then end up having a little argument and she gets kidnapped. The lawyer then starts on a world wind mystery picking up clues etc and eventually puts the pieces together. Meanwhile she's locked up in a mystery room in the house of one of her friends, who happens to work with her and was in on the deal the whole time.
The lawyer then puts the pieces together and rescues the girl who punched him in the face accidentally. Then her crazy family figure it out too and meet up with the two at the evil friend's house. The men then set off to a secret bank where the evil man is waiting for his money…
But little do they know the evil man had figured it out and was rushing back to the girl and her mother who was holding a frying pan. He starts to advance on her, his wand raised ready to perform the killing curse when her mother hits him over the head with a frying pan.
Both evil people are knocked out; the third got murdered by the evil people before. Then the mother walks out of the room greeting her husband as the men rushed back, also figuring out the evil man wasn't there.
The lawyer runs into the room and rushed over to the girl who almost died and holds her in his arms and argues with her about having nine lives and she argues back but its all good…
As for the ending of the story, well I haven't figured it out yet…
So what do you think?
Pretty twisted eh?
Hermione
To: Hermione
From: Carl
Re: I think…
You're the one that's twisted.
Maybe we should've given you a year off instead of three days…
But not until I have some articles on my desk!
Carl
To: Josh
From: Marz
Re: So…
From a sheep, my husband turns into a little lamb, awe isn't that sweet. I hope you looked after Gin better than you did after me when I was pregnant.
I emailed her yesterday and she told me how you looked after her when she was throwing up and how she almost fainted and you helped her: awe, I'm proud of you honey.
I guess you can do the same for me too… soon…
Luv Marz…
P.S. Can you stop by the shop and pick up some milk and pickles? And maybe throw in some mayonnaise too?
P.P.S. I just spoke to Ginny, and there is no way you are getting off babysitting you sheep.
Remember:
12:45 at Fifteen
To: Josh
From: Draco
Re: Um…
I heard a big…no rather, a huge clunk in your office and I'm wondering if you perhaps fell off the chair again? Last time you did that I think you were telling me Marz was pregnant.
HAHA! Oh boy you got work cut out for you big time!
Tata daddy,
Draco
To: Draco
From: David
Re: Well…
What happened this time, to your face I mean? You hit into the window you were looking at yourself in and realised you were falling in love with your reflection?
Stop day dreaming and get back to work
David
To: David
From: Draco
Re: Actually…
I thought you and your girlfriend were still dressing up like the Adams family, that's why I have the black eye…are you retiring from costume fantasies?
Draco
To: Draco
From: Josh
Re: Dear God no!
She can't be, Jaz was only born a few weeks ago! I can't have two children under the age of one in my house! My mother-in-law is going to staying over a month longer!
Oh shit!
Oh well, to better days…because they've been limited…
Hehehe,
Josh
To: Hermione
From: Draco
Re: So…
How you going?
Draco
P.S. Doing anything for lunch?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Re: Not a man of words are you?
I'll tell you now; in the three days I've been in lock down there has been so much gossip I've missed out on.
Eg: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a baby- how cute! And so are Gwen Steffani and her husband! And Paris Hilton is being sued again! And guess what! NICOLE and KEITH are together! Now I don't have to write about: Nicole and Tom, who's fault was it!
I'm going well by the way, I've got a mystery date for lunch…
Herm
To: Herm
From: Draco
Re: Oh really…
Anyone I know?
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Re: Well…
…from what I hear it's a blind date. He's a bigheaded, egotistical prat who is infuriatingly stubborn and takes a kidnapping to admit he has feelings for somebody, which I will not mention.
I hear you know each other well…
Hermione
To: Hermione
From: Draco
Re: Hmm…
Well he does sound incredibly familiar except, the person I'm thinking about isn't blind. But how about you ditch him and come with me instead? I hear the place you're going is also going to be including an entourage of people (Marz, Josh and the Weaslette) so privacy could be an issue for the two of you…
Whaddya say?
Draco
To: Draco
From: Hermione
Re: You're an idiot…
That's what I say.
To: Hermione
From: Draco
Re: Well actually…
You're the idiot…
Your diary was left with an unreliable source who chose to snoop…well actually read the whole thing. And I must say Granger that there is a certain promise you made for a certain handsome and charming man, and I was wondering if you'd be fulfilling it anytime soon…
Perhaps at lunch maybe? Or somewhere more private, like my house for instance…although now that the Weasleys know how to bloody get in, my house will probably be turned into a Weasley camping site…or maybe a pan shop…
Draco…
To: Marz; Josh
From: Gin
Re: I can't believe…
Those two! After all our scheming they got our asses in the end…
Do you know where they went?
Gin
To: Gin; Marz
From: Josh
Re: Bloody…
Bloody, bloody…
All I know is that Malfoy was the instigator. You should see the smirk on his face…well actually I think he's smiling: oh heavens above shower us with your impending destruction! I can actually see his teeth, and I have to say they are impeccably white…
Dammit.
Josh
(Ring)
"Hello"
"HERMIONE darling you're alright!"
"Hello mum…"
"Oh thank god! Ginny told me all about it! You poor thing!
"Oh she did she? I-"
"Oh for god sake, get your hands out of that salad you feral animal…sorry darling, your father seems to be living in the Stone Age again"
"That's okay mum…look I really have to go now, but I promise to call you later on…I've-"
"Oh alright, but come over for dinner then will you. And bring that chap Gin's been telling me about, I'd love to meet him…"
"We'll see, I've got to go and kill Ginny now…Bye"
"Bye Darling…GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF…."
(Beep)
To: Gin
From: Hermione
Re: So how was it…?
When I went to lunch? Did you miss me?
Hermione…
To: Hermione
From: Gin
Re: Well…
I never noticed you were gone…I didn't even know where you went! I seriously wasn't snooping or anything, I was too bust enjoying my food to know where you and Draco were going…I mean, where YOU went by yourself…ah to lunch I mean… :D
It's like you never left and Marz, Josh and I were wondering were the hell you two ditched us…but you know how it is here, where I was the whole time…
It's been just another day at the office…
FINISHED….thank god