DISCLAIMER:

J.K. Rowling owns Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Harry and Ron. I own all the other characters. Meg Cabot is a great author, and this story has some of her ideas in it.

I own nothing. How sad.

The planning and some ideas are from Meg Cabot's books: The Guy next-door and Boy Meets Girl. Not many of the parts are hers, except the occupations and written ideas. If you have not read her books, pay little attention to this paragraph. It's merely a disclaimer on Meg Cabot's behalf.

Note:

It took me a while but I decided not to write a Ginny/Harry sequel so I thought I'd do a brief epilogue to fill in some of the gaps. It's a little on the ridiculous/ OOC side, but then again the whole story is.

Thanks for all the support and reviews- it's what has kept it going.

SouredSweetie

Epilogue

Sex, Babies and a Sentimental Malfoy

3 months later: A Few Weeks in December

To: Staff

From: Human Resources

Re: Dilatory

We here at the Human Resource division of the London Post understand that there was a function on Saturday in which one of our staff married; this we know though were not invited. Nevertheless that is no excuse to arrive at work two to three hours late.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you and will not accept such behaviour and tolerate it in the future.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

To: Ginny

From: Ted

Re: The Hormonal Heifer

Oooh, what crawled up Vanessa's arse and died? I'm telling you Gin she's menopausal.

My Aunt Prudence went through the same thing: went mad at her pre-menopausal stage, bought three cartons of orange Hushpuppies, fell over a box, cracked her neck and bam, dead.

I tell you what; it was awful trying to divide 100 pairs of shoes that weren't even my size.

Anyway Gin, I don't think I congratulated you on your pregnancy; I mean we all knew you were...well It was either that or you developed an odd obsession for shoving watermelons up your tops. Does that mean you'll be taking leave soon?

Oh no what will I do without you and Xena?

Btw, you owe me $50 for the bet you lost about Hermione's marriage.

I want it unmarked and stashed in an envelope address to The Spunk.

Ted

To: Gin

From: Sharm

Re: Darling!

Oh Ginny treasure, who'd have though you were actually pregnant and not gaining weight from stuffing your face with cannelloni's and éclairs! I know a great outlet with clothes/shoes for babies and adults to die for: seriously. One woman couldn't afford a second hand pair of Blahnik's and impaled herself on a coat hanger.

Oh it was awful her blood poured all over the shoes I wanted to buy.

Anyway darling; what a wedding. Draco I must say was dashingly handsome and that man of yours...ooh, put them together and I'd shove a funnel down my throat and fill it with lard.

Mwa,

Sharm XOXOXOX

P.S. Do your family always carry around wooden sticks? I mean it's very witchy don't you think, maybe it'll set of a new craze? Oh and your twin brothers are simply darling, how old are they again?

To: Staff

From: Ted

Re: Bets

Okay bitches and hoes, pay up time. You all owe me $100 bucks for being morons and loosing bets. 50 for Hermione marrying before January and 50 for guessing Ginny was pregnant and not having a symptom from colonic irrigation.

Ye have so little faith in our golden girls.

Ted

To: Draco

From: Josh

Re: OMG GOSS

Draco dude I know you're on your honeymoon having wicked, wild sex with the chains, whip and cuffs I packed for you, but I've got to tell you...DAVID'S LOW ON HIS SPERM COUNT, bordering on impotency actually, it would've been hilarious however, if his plan of attack didn't disturb me immensely.

I mean, you'd think he'd simply cut the jocks and start wearing boxers, but no he went one step further: HE'S FREE-BALLING.

Ewww, how can he do that? It's just flapping there, roaming around the seams like it's on vacation- I'm keeping a 5m distance from him; you never know when it'll just pop off, swinging around like Tarzan.

Well have a good one...or many.

Josh

To: Herm; Draco

From: Marz

Re: Men are morons

I don't know about you, but sometimes I think Josh is one of the biggest morons on the planet.

Do you know what my 6 month-old daughter's frost goo-goo words sound like: TARZAN. And what do you tell a four year old who asks why Mr Felnof's Tarzan keeps swinging around? Perhaps I should just scrap the pep talk and explain to the child that half her genetic makeup is compromised from a rambling moronic hipster Doofus.

Oh btw, I hope you're both having a wonderful time; Hermione I trust those dice I packed are coming in handy...pardon the pun/s. How romantic, New Year's in Paris...

See you in a few weeks,

Marz

To: Herm

From: Gin

Re: You know...

I never got to tell you how beautiful you look at the wedding last week; Draco seriously couldn't take is his eyes off you, this I know because my brothers were staring daggers at him and flinging peas at him and Draco didn't even notice...oh and then the hilarity when Luna blurted out I was pregnant- sorry about that by the way, but it's not as if you noticed. You and your husband were outside snogging each other. I don't know if you heard the full story, but I might as well tell you now, I can't wait another 2 weeks to tell you.

So out you and Malfoy went; I think everyone knew what you two were doing- if it was anything like the Church when the time came to 'kiss the bride'- I still can't believe you jumped hugged Malfoy and snogged him like that; I'm not catholic but isn't that a sin? Oh and then when Malfoy just about tossed you on the floor...so romantic by the way.

Anyway, out you go and over comes Luna- some say she's psychic, I say she's psycho- to the Bridal Table and says: Congratulations on the babies by the way. SHE PLURALED IT!!!

Of course at this stage I almost shoved my head in a boiling pot of pumpkin soup, because you know the microphone on the table was still on after the speeches so EVERYONE heard- mum fainted, David held his crotch and Harry was having trouble defending himself against my murderous brothers.

So I stupidly tried to cover up by laughing and said, "What babies" I mean could I have said anything stupider? Even the dress and jacket we charmed couldn't cover up a 6 month pregnant stomach with twins...she laughs and says "in your stomach silly" and walks away, while I try hard not to peg peas at her with my spoon.

Meanwhile mum rushes over and congratulates me, knowing already Harry's the father and whips out her wand and starts knitting- all the Muggles are having coronaries at this point. After the wedding, Harry confronts me- "Why didn't you tell me" gets mad when I don't answer- I was eating a cheese and bacon quiche. David pops over too, "Who's the father" well i knew it wasn't the anti-sperm bank, couldn't say anything. Quiche. In. Mouth. Um. Yum.

Then they start a brawl, I'm licking my fingers of the cheese and security comes takes them away. Sunday I tell David he's not the father, unbeknownst I was 2 months along when we dated- and Harry pops in through Floo, demanding what's going on. We have a yelling match, I tell him he's a selfish bastard too absorbed in his career to care about children and he says I'm too immature and will end up giving our kids high cholesterol. We stare, get mad, then in an instant rip off each other's clothes and have makeup sex and declare the love.

Now we're getting married.

So yeah,

Gin

To: Mrs M

From: Draco

Re: Hermione...

What dice is Marz talking about?

To: Josh; Marz; Mrs M

From: Draco

Re: So...

I stroll into an internet Cafe in Paris, third week of my honeymoon, ready to hear the progress of my pathetic acquaintances in London; thinking about what argument I'll start with my wife when we get back to the resort and then making up for it with a hot session in the bedroom, the bath, the kitchen and the spa bath outside...when I open up an email from the Rambling Moronic Hipster Doofus discussing David's swinging Tarzan and suddenly my own Cuddly Chops starts to sag and wants to fall off and hide in the caves of the Middle East.

Just be glad my wife is good at mouth to mouth resuscitation because if this was permanent I'd be making earrings out of your testicles.

Mary, I have no idea. Just say it's his little play thing.

Now if you don't mind I have an important game of Solitaire I must get back to.

D

To: Mary

From: Hermione

Re: hey

If there's one thing you shouldn't do its take advice from Rambling Moronic Hipster Doofus the Second; aka Draco Malfoy. Not that I'd be much more help...I'd just buy her the cartoon of Tarzan and say it's David's favourite character...

But to take care of the bigger problem: Josh's gob; I know a good couple of hexes you could try- I use them on Draco when he won't shut up.

Wish I could be more help...say hi to the girls for me!

Hermione

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Re: You sent...

Me that email too. STOP TALKING ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE YOU STUPID TWIT, how embarrassing and there's no way I'm showing you those dice damn you.

Oh and if you think your leaving that sex-pep talk to me to tell our kids, you have something else coming. I bet Harry will be a terrific dad; he's honest, caring and not a chicken when it comes to confronting situations that need brains not balls to confront. Hell, I'm sure even Josh might manage if he stops obsessing over another man's crotch.

H. G. /

To: Gin

From: Hermione

Re: Hey

I don't think I have much time, when Draco gets off his arse form playing solitaire and reads the email I just send him I'm going to be in big trouble...can't wait.

OMG, Ginny how exciting!!! I am so glad you and Harry made up! Not that we weren't expecting it you know, but I'm glad it happened at our wedding. By the way, I know all about what happened: it's on the wedding DVD. Draco finds it so amusing, that he makes popcorn, opens a beer and fast forwards to that particular section (PAST ALL THE OTHER EVENTS MIND YOU).

The Honeymoon has been wonderful, I'm surprised Draco can be so charming, although he's still the cold, ruthless bastard he always is...DO YOU KNOW HE SPEAKS FRENCH!!!

I go to Paris with only "moi" "le syndicat d'initiative si vous plait" and "la crayon" in my vocabulary; and then I find out the man can talk in "je mappelle". Worse thing is whenever ladies are around they always leave blushing and smiling at Draco, so I know he's flirting; oh but let a man starting flirting with me and Draco says a few choice words and they leave quicker than you can say "Draco you bastard what the hell did you say!" it's as if he told them I have genital herpes.

But don't worry, when we hit the Slavic parts tomorrow I will be the one saying he has a tube stuck up his arse from a bodged expedition at Colonic Irrigation. Italy and Germany were fantastic...I have no idea how we apparated to the red Light District in Amsterdam...my bum is still bruised from all the groping. Somehow I'm not surprised Draco knows all the "performers" by first name...I think I married a porn star.

What do you think his name is? Buck Naked or Phil McGroin?

Meh, well tomorrow we're off to Slovenia and Croatia...the Dalmatian coast is supposed to be nice...

Ha, yeah Malfoy just read the email; brow just rose...glaring at me...oooh he's ended his Solitaire game, he's mad. I wonder if he's branch from the Neanderthals.

Toodles Ginny,

And congratulations...

Love Hermione XOOXOXOX

2 months later

To: Hermione Granger; Ginevra Weasley

From: Human Resources

Re: Dilatory

Dear Hermione Granger; Ginevra Weasley

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the London Post. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you did not arrive to work on the 2nd February 2007, and without any notice.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

To: Human Resources

Fr: Herm Granger

Re: My Dilatory

Yes to all of the following:

Mental and physical health disorders

Libellous brutal consort.

Alcohol addiction

I still am working on my:

Drug addiction/overdose

Sleep affliction

Of course I suppose the fact Gin went into labour yesterday is not excuse for not going to work; nor is the fact she was in labour for over 30 hours so she couldn't call to foreworn you. Let's be realistic, there's no way after giving birth she'd come to work and write about Crème Brule and which cheese is the best to grate onto spinach. Me, I have no excuse, but considering I have enough columns for this issue and the next I don't see what the problem is.

Hermione Granger

Political Correspondent

London Post.

To: Sharm; Ted; Carl; Marz; Michael

From: Hermione

Re: Okay okay...

Since you're all dying to ask: Ginny had the babies late last night: a boy and girl names James and Lily; both healthy and both adorable; Ginny of course ordered me to buy her Lobster Thermidor and a chocolate cheese cake about five minutes after.

Surprisingly, knowing Ginny's luck, nothing went amiss before hand; well except when her water broke and her husband slipped and got a concussion- huge dilemma by the way, it meant I had to go into the delivery room with her while Harry was in another room with Draco...I can barely type, I think I few bones have been unhinged at the joints.

But luckily Harry came through and took my place and she gave birth a few minutes later.

It really is a disgustingly beautiful process.

Six years later

DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY

August 17th 2012

Well we did it, well Hermione did all the work, I was just there to lend a hand to dismantle and testicles to puncture. Why is it when women are giving birth it's the men's fault for impregnating them? Because I've got to tell you, she certainly was enjoying the process.

We had a baby girl today; 49cm, 3.5 kgs and dark hair and eyes like her mother. My left hand is still bloody throbbing from Granger's killer grip; cursing me in French so the doctor's wouldn't know how vulgar the famous news-reporter's vocabulary could be. She learned the whole damned language because she didn't like the fact I knew it and couldn't understand the supposed insults I was throwing about her to her admirers. As if I'd throw insults behind her back and straight to her face; I'm a little more cunning than that!

So now we have a daughter and I've decided that chastity belt I bought will work well for her for the next 30 years; and throw in a few hexes to the boy who thinks about touching her; I think we'll manage. Hermione thinks I'm over exaggerating, but what would she know about females and the lengths men go to take them?

A few minutes later I had gone to the packed waiting room to tell them the news. With all the Weasley's there it seemed half the population of London was in the tiny room. I picked up my boys Damien and Lucian- or Demon and Lucifer as Josh calls them- Some Godfather he is, and ask what they'd wanted mummy to have: a boy or girl. Lucian the youngest at 3 says a girl-brother, Damien calls him stupid, 5 year-old vulgarity from their bloody mother of course and says, "It's not a girl-brother stupid, it's called a sister." And then I think, he sounds like a snotty little bossy boots; and remember half his genetic make up is Hermione's. She's got them reading Hogwarts a History for god sake, there's no way I'll let her corrupt Gabriella.

I say "it's a girl" and Josh breaks out the cigars; he and Harry find it amusing that I now had a daughter. Josh has three of them. Ashley is now ten and into her lip-gloss, much to the dismay of her father who hates having to clean the lip imprints on the mirrors; Jazmine is six and still into her barbies and Stacey is four and loves breaking the heads off Jazmine's toys. Josh of course couldn't be prouder of his daughter's destructive abilities, much to the annoyance of Marz. About a year ago she gave birth to their son Matthew; Josh had a phobia of changing his nappy in case he damaged Matt's Little Tarzan- he must've thought he'd pass on his genital malfunctions to his son.

Harry has his twins Lily and James, who at six think it's hilarious to roll around in mud and fly their father's broomsticks into the back shed and attacking each other with them. Hell even David managed to restock his juices and has two kids with Emily.

So I take the boys to see their sister, their blonde heads hovering over her with a look of peculiarity in their grey eyes. "Why does she smell funny and look like a tomato?" and then "Where'd the stalk go that branged her here to mummy?" I look at Hermione with that one and see her rolling her eyes. We still haven't decided who would tell them about the birds and the bees, but know it wouldn't be for a few years yet. Thank Merlin.

And now three hours after the rush, I sit in the hospital chair and write in my diary- corny no? Ella is in her crib and the boys are hovering over Hermione, who's reading them another book- probably reading them that classic "The Three Musketeers" by that Dumbass...or Dumas as Hermione would scold me; though the boys are a little too young for that Muggle rrubbish,

I hear Ella crying in the background and Hermione says I have to change her nappy. Ew. You'd think I'd be used to it by now with the boys who excreted some seriously toxic waste that would challenge Chernobyl. Well I'd better end this now before Mrs Bossy-Boots threatens to repaint the boys room from green to Gryffindor red.

Oh the humanity.