Originally wrote this as just a random thing, but I thought I'd upload it here and see what ya'll think. Reviews are more than welcome.
She keeps telling herself that she's fine, even though she knows she isn't. She hides all weekend and tells herself she's fine.
When the Week rolls in and Monday takes over, she can't decide wether to be happy about that or not. At least she's not in her bed anymore. That has to be good, right?
Work is the way it always is on a Monday. A bee hive of people running around. A sea of voices welcomes her, when she steps into the precinct and the sheer loudness of it seems to punch her and pull all air out of her lungs. Time to disappear, she decides and flees into the women's bathroom.
The panic attack rolls over her as soon as she has found a stall to hide in. She barely manages to sit down, before the first sob escapes her mouth and many more follw the first one. She's not ready yet, she comes to realize and curses herself for thinking she could handle work again so soon.
She wishes, she was back in bed. Hiding under the thick duvet sounds like a dream to her. A slow, shaky breath escapes her mouth and her throat doesn't feel as tight anymore. She's exhausted, yet she hasn't even stepped into her office. She needs to go home again and after a few more minutes of sitting on the floor, she gets up, unlocks the door of her stall and steps out.
The woman in the Mirror opposite of her looks tired, she thinks. Tired and exhausted and so, so done with everything. Sighing, she steps in front of one of the bathrooms sinks, shoulders her bag and turns on the Water.
Catching the cold wetness with her cupped hands, she bends down and splashes a small handful of it into her face. The coldness feels good on her skin and she almost feels herself smile. She repeats the task once, twice more and then turns off the water.
Drying her face and hands doesn't take long and before she knows it, she walks out of the bathroom and towards the Entrance, hoping no one will see her. Being seen is the last thing she wants and luckily everyone is too busy to notice her leaving again.
The knot in her chest loosens, when she steps out into the Street and the further away she moves, the more it loosens. When she finally arrives at the corner of the Street and hails a cab, she feels almost as good as in the morning, when she was still in her bed, inbetween her sheets.
The ride to her apartment building doesn't take long and after paying the driver and exiting the cab, she enters the building, calls the Elevator and steps in, once it arrives. On her way up, she realizes, that she never wanted to go back to work this soon. Sighing, she reaches into her bag, gets a hold of her phone and sends a quick text to her Supervisor.
"I can't do this. Not yet. I'm sorry."
She hits send, slides the phone back to where it was and grabs her Keys. Closing the door behind her feels like she's shutting off the outside world completely.
Walking towards her bedroom, she allows herself to feel happy for a moment, maybe even relieved. She's back home, in her bubble of safeness and protection from anything bad.
She dropped her bag and coat when she walked in, so all she does now, is slip out of her pumps and the little black office dress she put on less than an hour ago. For a split second the thought if putting on a pajama crosses her mind, but all she wants to do is to disappear under her duvet.
Leaving the pile of clothes, that consists of her dress, shoes and tights, on the floor behind her, she moves towards her bed and dives under the duvet. A genuine smile appears on her lips, when her head hits her pillow. She's completely at ease now, a hundret percent happy. She wraps herself into the duvet and is sound asleep a few moments later.
When she will wake hours later, the panic attack from earlier will have been long forgotten.
She wakes, hours after hiding in her bed. After the panic attack. A slight shiver runs down her back, when she remembers the morning.
Groaning, she lifts her duvet and checks the time. Three in the afternoon. She lets out a deep sigh and forces herself to leave the bed. Slowly, as if she's drunk, she walks throught the hallway into her small kitchen and turns on the coffee machine.
While she waits, her thoughts wander back to that Day. She feels her throat tighten and doesn't even realize that she's crying again, until an ugly sob rips through the silence of her kitchen.
#
It's been weeks since then, months even and she still can barely think about it without turning into a sobbing mess, crying uncontrolably like a Toddler. Lanie, the closest thing she has to a friend, comforts her in the beginning. She even has a key to the Apartement and comes by every other day or so.
After a Month, Lanie stops coming.
Not without telling her why first, though. She's always been honest with her.
"I've met someone." her friend tells her one sunny Friday afternoon, about five weeks since it happened. Lanie says more after that, but she isn't listening.
"Leave." she says, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry?" She sighs. Is it that hard to understand, she wonders and repeats herself. Louder, this time.
"Leave, Lanie. We both know, you have more important things to do. So leave. And lock the door behind you, when you go." She doesn't wait for a response, doesn't want to hear the made up excuses and simply disappears into the darkness of her bedroom, quietly closing the door behind her.
If only he was still here..
The mere thought of him turns her into a crying, sobbing, miserable mess. She slowly moves towards her, their, bed and slides in between the covers. A bandaged arm moves over the matress and grabs his pillow. The tears from earlier have dried but she barely registers it, before fresh tears soak the fabric below her cheeks.
Then, suddenly and without a warning, the memories wash over her and drown out everything.
#
"Was a nice movie, wasn't it?" she asks, stretching. He nods and throws the empty Popcorn box into a trashcan outside the Theater. She's stopped a few steps ahead of him and asks "Home?" when he joins her again. He nods, takes her hand and doesn't let go for the rest of the night.
They call a cab and when they get in, she settles against his side as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He smiles and places a small kiss ontop of her temple. After a minute of silence, a minute of listening to his heartbeat and a minute of breathing in the smell of his cologne, she sighs quietly, sits up and looks at him. He looks back, his eyes full of love for her, just as much as her eyes are full of love for him.
She kisses him, presses her forehead against his and whispers "I love you."
His eyes are the last thing she remembers. Blue, like the Sea and full of love and so much more.
First, pain. Nothing but pain. And then, finally, darkness.
#
When she finally wakes, her whole body is soaking wet and she's breathing heavily, as if she's just ran three Marathons. She manages to sit up straight, only to jump up and run into the bathroom. Her last meal has turned into something she has no words for and doesn't want to have words for.
A few minutes later, when she's convinced herself that there's absolutlely nothing left in her stomach, she flushes the toilet, pulls herfels up on the sink and immediately drops onto the edge of the bathub.
Her whole body is trembling and covered in a coat of sweat and sick. As weak as she is, she still manages to lift her arm, drop the plug into the tub and turn on the water. She could use a shower, but standing for longer than a few seconds is not an option at this point.
The moment she turns off the water, she hears Lanie's ringtone from her bag. She throws a longing look behind her, at the lukewarm water she filled her bathtub with and sighs. Ignoring the twitch in her muscles, she slowly lifts herself from the edge of the tub and, supporting herself every step of the way, makes her way into the livingroom.
The phone is ringing for the third or fourth time now, she realizes, when she reaches into her bag and pulls it out. She clears her throat, breathes in and out and unlocks the phone to answer the call.
"Oh my god, you're there!"
She closes her eyes and holds the phone away from her ear. When she doesn't hear anything else from the other woman, she puts the phone to her ear again. "What do you want?" she asks. Her voice sounds rough, as if she hasn't used it in weeks.
Lanie sighs and she immediately regrets even answering the damn phone.
"I'm worried about you, Kate. You haven't replied to any of my Texts or emails or anything! And then Javi calls me and tells me you came into work, hid in the Bathroom and then left again! You didn't even say hi to him! And then that text! What the hell!?"
She silently curses herself for going into work this morning. "I thought i could handle it." is all she says and waits for the ME's reaction.
She's expecting a lecture about how she should've called her first and how they would've figured something out. She's expecting to be treated like a child, just like before.
That doesn't happen.
"I'm taking the afternoon off. Make yourself presentable, you sound like you've been through hell. I'll be there in an hour, with food." The line goes silent. She sighs, drops the phone and walks towards the bathroom. She has an hour. She should make the best of it.
She lets out a deep sigh, when she sinks into the warm water. The fact that the Bandages around her arms are getting soaked doesn't bother her. She just removes them, grabs the white wash cloth from behind the faucet and covers her bare shoulders and Biceps in warm, soapy water.
She's lost weight, she notices. She tries to remember when she last ate more than a bowl of rice or scrambled eggs, but honeslty can't. Maybe she should cook something, once she's out of the tub. She'll think of something when the time comes.
Ignoring her burning muscles, she finishes washing herself and then, after pulling the plug, slowly lifts herself out of the tub. Wrapping herself in a very big, very white, very soft towel, she stands in front of the bathroom mirror for a few seconds and looks at herself.
She still looks tired and no amount of make- up will be able to cover the bags under her eyes. Her hair, although wet from being washed, looks like it's less. Not as full as it used to be. She bites her lower lip, grips the edges of her towel a little tighter and walks into the bedroom.
She picks a matching set of Bra and Panties, slips into them and then into a pair of comfortable jeans. Before she can actually think about it, she walks over to his closet, opens the door and pulls one of her favourite shirts of his out. A large blue and green plaid she had gotten him as a gift for his birthday the year before.
Closing her eyes, she holds the shirt close to her nose and slowly breathes in his scent. To her own surprise, she doesn't immediately start crying. A good sign, she guesses and puts the shirt on. Of course it's to big for her, but it feels like his arms are wrapped around her and for the first time in months, she feels a little bit better.
Maybe she's finally starting that long road of recovery everyone keeps telling her about.
Now fully dressed, she dries her hair, binds it into a pony tail and walks over into the kitchen. She wants to cook, but remembers that Claire is bringing food with her, so instead she turns to tidying the Livingroom. After a few minutes, she hears a knock on the door. She finishes what she's doing and, while walking towards the door, braces herself for the force of nature that is called lanie Parish.
She opens the door and can't help herself. She just has to smile, even if it's a small one. Lanie smiles back at her, relieved that her friend is still there.
"Hey Stranger." she hears herself say and gets a chuckle for an answer. Stepping to the side, she invites the other woman inside and closes the door behind her. "I brought chinese, by the Way." Lanie tells her, while dropping bags of food on the kitche counter.
"Egg fried rice, spring rolls, chicken balls.. The whole shebang!" She laughs and begins to unpack the food. She smiles again; having Claire here feels good.
"How's that boyfriend of yours?" she asks to make conversation. Lanie is preparing the food on a load of plates and shakes her head. "We're not here to talk about me today, hun!" she replies and walkes over to the couch table, putting down empty Plates, cuttlery and napkins.
When they finally sit down and fill their Plates with food, only then does she realize how hungry she had been. She doesn't know if Lanie knows that she hasn't been eating and if she's honest, she's a little scared of her friends reaction.
As if the other woman has read her mind, she asks about her eating habits. "You've lost weight, love. Even a blind man can see that." Lanie sighs. "How long since your last meal?" she asks, when there's no response. She shakes her head. "I dunno. A while." She sniffs and takes a sip of her glass of water.
For a while all they do is eat.
Then the ME gets up, puts her plate into the sink and comes back to the couch with a Glass of wine in her hand. "I'm going to tell you what i'm thinking and when i'm done, i want to know what you think about it. Deal?" Lanie looks at her and waits for a response. A nod seems to be enough, so she takes a sip of her wine, puts the glass down and begins to talk.
"We've been friends for a while now, Kate. Five years now, to be exact. And in those five years, you told me everything about yourself. And in return, I've told you everything about myself. I know how you take your coffee and how long you need in the bathroom every morning and you know the same about me. And because of that, one would think that I'd be able to comfort you and maybe even pull you out of this state you're in, once time has passed.
That hasn't happened though.
I know how to comfort you, but it doesn't seem to work. And on the other hand, you do nothing but to reject me and the help I offer you. I've left you alone for a while, because I thought, it would help. I thought, maybe we could get together and catch up. I thought we could continue where we left off, but I was wrong. And that fact worries me. We both know, that you're ignoring every single call, email or text I send you. You ignore it all, because you're too busy bathing in this state of depression and self pity."
The ME pauses, to take a sip from her glass and lets out a sigh.
"I'm sick of it, Kate. You're not yourself. Haven't been for a long time. This needs to stop and it needs to happen as soon as possible."
Silence fills the rom for a few Minutes.
Then, she speaks.
"I want help, Lanie. I do. But I need this too. I need to feel sorry for myself for a while, because if I don't do it, others will and I hate that. And I know, that I block you off. I know that what I do isn't healthy and I know that things need to change. But the more People tell me what I already know, the less do I actually want to do those things."
She pauses to catch her breath and takes a sip fron her water.
"Everything is still so very hard for me. Even such an easy thing as going into work. And yes, I know there's Therapists and the like for theses things. Dad even signed me up for one. Said, it'd help me." She shakes her head at the memory and continues.
"I never went. Told him from the beginning on, that I didn't want to talk to a complete stranger, who overanalzyes everything I say and do. Besides, that happened right after.." She stops, presses her Lips together and breathes in and out slowly, successfully averting the oncoming panic attack.
"What I'm trying to say is, that I need more time. I know I've already had four Months, but remember how long I was in PT afterwards. I just need a little more Time, Lanie." She lets out a shaky Breath and looks at the other woman.
She smiles, moves across the couch and pulls her into a tight, long lasting hug. When they part again, both have Tears in their eyes, but are smiling nonetheless.
They talk more, after that and when Lanie finally leaves the Apartment, she feels better. Lighter, somehow. She goes to bed that night and for the first time in a long time, she doesn#t wake up in the middle of the Night.
It takes her another Month to find the courage to call her Father.
She lets it ring a few times and just as she is about to put the phone down, Jim Beckett answers the Phone.
"Katie?" the man asks in disbelief, but there's a hint of relief in his Voice as well. "How are you, darling?" heasks and she knows, that he's expecting her to sound tired and exhausted. Instead, when she speaks, she sounds more confident than she has in a lomg time.
"Hey Dad." she says and smiles, when she hears the surprised gasp at the other end of the Line. "I'm okay, I think." she continues. "I'm not a hundred percent myself yet, but I'm getting there."
"That's good, love. Really good." Jim says honestly. They talk more, after that. She asks, how his Friends aredoing and how the Meetings are. Jim, in return, asks about Lanie and the Boys. After thirty Minutes they end the call with the Promise to talk more often now.
She checks the time and realises that it's just a few Minutes past noon. Without thinking about it, she takes a shower and slips into her underwear. When she checks her Phone for the Weather, she's surprised to see that it's already November and not too warm either.
Her Phone still in her hand, she stands in front of her closet, only wearing the Set of underwear she chose before the shower. She can see herself in the Mirror on the left and notices, to her liking, that she's gained weight again. She smiles, glad about the positive change she's going through.
Focusing on her closet again, she chooses a white longsleeve V- Neck, one of his slimmer Plaids and a pair of Jeans. When she's dressed, she looks at herself in the Mirror and finally, after all together five months of Hell, she feels good again.
And then she thinks back to the first Time she woke up at the ICU. She remembers that she cried, because everything hurt and she couldn't move and where for the love of god was he?!
She thinks back to the Moment her Mother told her, what happened.
"Where's Rick?!" she remembers herself asking, her voice shrill and full of panic. "What happened to him?" she remembers herself asking and then she remembers her Fathers Hand on hers.
She remembers the look Jim gave her and then she remembers the Air being sucked out of her Lungs.
"He didn't survive, Kate."
She doesn't remember anything after that, which in hindsight, is probably for the best.
She sighs, unlocks her Phone and sends a text to Lanie.
"Are you free for Lunch?"
The other woman replies within seconds.
"Ofc! See you at Remy's in 30?"
Kate smiles.
"On my Way now. See you soon! xx"
She hits Send, puts the phone into her Bag and tries to find her shoes. Then she see the brand new Doc Martens Joel had bought her for Christmas last year. She's never actually worn them until now, she realises. She slips on another pair of socks, sit down on the Edge of the couch and slides into them.
When she arrives at Remy's twenty minutes later, her friend is already there. They kiss eachothers cheeks, sit down and order drinks.
They order their food, whe their Drinks arrive and talk about everything important. Time flies and an hour later, after Lanie has payed for the Meal, they say their goodbyes.
"Actually, i wanted to ask you something." she begins, once they're standing in Front of the Restaurant.
"Like what?" Lanie asks curiously.
She bites her lower Lip and wants to tell her friend to forget about it, when the other woman takes her Hand and smiles. "Whatever it is, Kate, I'm sure I can make it happen." She sighs at that, but pulls herself together.
"WouldyoutakemetohisGraveplease?"
It comes out as one Word, but the other woman understands her anyway and sends her a big, genuine smile.
"Of course! Come on, we'll go there now!" She laughs and Lanie calls a cab. Ten minutes later, they arrive at the Graveyard.
They walk through the Gate and her chest tightens. Lanie notices that something is wrong, grabs her hand and squeezes it softly. She smiles, squeezes back and together they walk towards his Grave.
Before they actually reach it, the ME stops and looks at her.
"You should do this on your own, Kate. I'll wait at that Bench over there, if you need me." She nods, pulls her friend into a quick hug and then turns around.
She doesn't talk to him.
She doesn't cry either, which is surprisng.
She doesn't really do anything other that to stare at his Name and the Dates below it. She ignores the Quote they put on the Stone, because it's miles away from what he would've wanted and she hates that.
For a few Minutes she just stands there and stares at his Name. It took her almost half a year to get to this Point and now that she's actually here, it almost feels like everything is a dream.
She sighs, whispers a quick "I love you", turns around and walks towards Claire.
"You okay love?" the other woman asks. She nods, takes her friends hand and together, they walk towards the Exit.
She's fine now, she realises.
Without him, but fine.
At last.
~Fin