Chapter 2

Mal stayed outside as long as he possibly could. He unsaddled each of the horses and then set about trying to find something for them to eat. Luckily he was able to locate a bale of hay at the side of the house. As he watched the horses eat it occurred to him that neither he nor River had eaten in over twenty-four hours and with the blood they had both lost they were going to need some sort of nutrients before they could ride back to Serenity.

Finally a bit of good luck seemed to find Mal. Almost as soon as he thought of their lack of food he spied a rabbit in the bushes ten feet in front of him. He pulled out his pistol, took aim, and was able to bring the rabbit down on the first shot. When the gun went off Mal heard River whimper inside of the cabin and he realized how much a sudden gunshot must have frightened her. Forgetting that he was trying to avoid her Mal hurried into the cabin to find River sitting up on the bed; pale and shaking. Without even considering his guilt or unease from their kiss Mal pulled her into his arms and rocked her back and forth.

"It was just me River. I didn't mean ta scare ya. I was just gettin us some dinner." Mal explained and ran a hand through her hair to comfort her.

She held tightly to him for a few seconds her nails digging into his back as she clung to him and quivered.

"Sorry I don't know why I got so scared." River said and pulled away from him looking embarrassed.

"River ya just been through somethin terrible; if ya wasn't havin a hard time a things I'd be even more worried." Mal said gently. "You gonna be ok if I go out and get that rabbit, so's we can have somethin' ta eat?"

River nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes wincing when she touched the bruises on her cheeks. She gave him a shaky smile and lay back down on the cot. Mal's heart seemed to twist inside his chest when he saw that smile; the fact that she had gone through so much and was still trying to be brave was almost too much for him to bear.

He gave her a small smile and wink in return before walking back outside.

Mal took it as a good sign that while he was outside River had gotten up and used the clean water he'd heated to finish cleaning herself up. She was sitting on the cot with her knees pulled up to her chest when he walked back into the cabin. His breath caught a little in his throat at how beautiful she looked curled up in his t-shirt with her long hair framing her face.

"You feelin any better?" He asked.

River gave him another one of her wide eyed stares and shrugged her head.

"Don't know. It's very strange. I'm always feeling things, more than I want to feel, all the time. But now I just can't feel anything. Shouldn't I be sad or angry or… something. All I feel is cold and empty." She replied sounding more lost than Mal had ever heard her, even when she'd been at her worst before Miranda.

"I remember feelin' like that after Serenity Valley. Once we was picked up and taken outta that place. I kept thinkin I should be upset, but I just felt numb all over." Mal sympathized.

"Did it ever go away? The numbness?" River asked.

"Not all at once and it weren't easy once all them feelins started comin up but I promise it did get easier with time." He said trying to reassure her.

"But the valley is still with you. You dream about it, think about it, live it everyday. I hear it inside you all the time." River said sounding very afraid.

"Somethin' terrible happens to ya and it don't ever go away. You gotta know that better than most by now, but ya learn to live with it and after awhile it don't eat at ya so much." He told her honestly.

"Post traumatic stress. That's what Simon will call it. Wish he didn't have to know." River said quietly.

"It ain't gonna be easy, but we gotta tell him. Ya need ta see a doctor and he's the only one we got." Mal reminded her.

"I know he has to be told, it will hurt him so much. He'll blame himself." River said and then lay down on the bed with her back to Mal. It didn't take long before she had fallen back to sleep.

Mal began to cook the rabbit over the fire place trying to be quiet so that she could sleep and heal as much as possible. It was already beginning to get dark by the time the food was finished and Mal decided that they would spend one more night in the small cabin before heading back to Serenity.

River stirred and turned over when she smelled the cooking meat.

"You hungry Little Albatross?" He asked as he pulled the meat out of the fire.

"I suppose I should eat something, you want to leave in the morning right?" River asked as she sat up on the edge of the bed.

"Ya know sometimes its kinda off puttin how ya always know what I'm gonna do fore I tell ya." Mal commented with a smile and handed her a plate of food.

She gave him a small sad smile in return and took the food, but looked like she wasn't at all hungry. "Sorry I can't help it you know." She said defensively.

"I know ya can't help what ya hear in that head o' yers. Sides sometimes it's nice not havin ta explain everything." Mal replied and took a seat beside her on the bed.

River reached out and touched his hand gently; Mal quickly forced himself to ignore the spark of desire he felt from that one simple gesture. Just like she'd done the time before she leaned forward suddenly and kissed him. This time the kiss was gentler and slower and stole Mal's breath away. He found himself responding and returning the kiss before he even realized he was doing it. After a minute or so Mal came to his senses and pushed River away like he had the first time.

"River girl it's like I said before we can't be doin this. It ain't right. You're too young and ya just been through something terrible and its got ya confused." Mal admonished gently.

"But you want to. I can feel it." River said in confusion.

"Don't matter none what I want to do. I ain't gonna take advantage of ya and if I let this go any further that's what I'd be doin." Mal said sternly.

River didn't respond she continued to stare at him for a moment and then turned her back to him and began to eat. They fell asleep soon after; both of them lying on the small cot but not nearly as close as they had been the previous night.

By the time they were ready to leave the next morning River still hadn't spoken to him. She dressed mechanically in the clothes that Mal had taken from the smallest of the dead men. He knew that it was probably uncomfortable for her to be wearing the clothes of the man who hurt her so badly, but her clothes had been cut off of her and were useless.

After making sure that River was dressed warmly for the trip back Mal saddled two of the horses and then boosted River up into the saddle of one. As soon as they began to move River cried out in pain and doubled over. Mal felt stupid for not realizing that River would be too sore to ride on her own all the way back to Serenity. Without a word he moved over to her horse and pulled her off and into his lap. River gave him a questioning look and Mal shrugged.

"I'm thinkin it's gonna be more comfortable for you to ride with me." He said simply.

River nodded but again didn't respond. Mal wasn't sure if she was angry with him or simply hurting because of what had happened to her, but he wished she would talk to him again. They rode in silence for nearly an hour; River sat curled up in his lap and stared out into the trees. Mal tried not to shift uncomfortably with her on his lap, but having her so close was making him miserably hot. He could feel sweat dripping down his neck and running down his back. Once he thought about it he realized he wasn't just feeling hot he was feeling sick. His head was throbbing painfully and his throat felt dry and scratchy.

"You're sick." River said suddenly sounding concerned. It was the first thing she'd said to him since the night before and Mal felt slightly better to know she was talking to him again.

"Nah I'm just a little run down. Been a long couple of days ya know?"

River looked at him intently and put a hand to his forehead. "You have a fever."

"Mayhaps that's so. Guess the sooner we get back to the ship the better for us both huh?" Mal asked and then broke up into a coughing fit that made his head pound even worse.

After another hour passed Mal was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong with him. He didn't get sick very often and when he did it was never severe. This time was the worst he had felt since Serenity Valley and that had been caused by an infected knife wound.

Oh go-se! Mal thought when he remembered the bullet he'd taken in the shoulder two days before. He gingerly touched his shoulder through his coat and winced at the burning pain that spread out through his entire arm. He had been so concerned about River that he hadn't even bothered to clean or dress the wound.

"It's septic. The infection is in the blood, we need to hurry." River told him.

Mal opened his mouth to agree with her but suddenly found his body shaking uncontrollably. He fell off the horse and was only vaguely aware of how hard he landed as his body continued to seize and jerk in the snow. He noticed River slide off the horse and then felt her pick up his hand and hold it tightly.

"Get- get b-back to S-S-Serenity." He ordered.

"Not leaving you." She said firmly.

Mal drew in a deep breath and collapsed into the snow when the seizure suddenly ended. He tried to sit up but he felt like all the energy had been sucked from his body and he collapsed back to the ground.

"Please ya gotta get yerself back to the ship." Mal muttered and then his body stiffened as another fever seizure wracked his body.

Mal began to see dark spots in front of his eyes and his head felt light and fuzzy. He could still feel River holding his hand and knew that she was talking to him, but he couldn't seem to focus on what she was saying. The last thing he thought before the darkness took him was that if he didn't wake up again he was going to regret not getting the chance to kiss her one last time.