Rose jerked awake with a gasp. The hoarse shout that had interrupted her sleep seemed to still reverberate through the time ship, its normal comforting hum pitched with anxiety. Inches from his door- When had the TARDIS moved his bedroom across the hall from her's?- her brain caught up with her feet. Hesitating outside, Rose worried her lower lip.
There had been no hand holding or celebratory hug after their misadventure today, quite the opposite in fact. He had been recalcitrant and shut off when she was returned to him, only looking her over swiftly once, his brown eyes hard and the lines at their corners deeper than she'd ever seen on this face. Trying to reassure him she was okay she had reached for his hand only for him to sweep past her and head straight into the TARDIS, both his hands deep in the pockets of his coat. Silence continued to reign as she followed him in and he sent them into the Vortex.
"Doctor," Rose had spoken softly when he still had barely acknowledged her presence, "it all worked out, yeah? We're safe. The planet's safe. 'M sorry I worried you." She walked over to stand by him as he continued to fiddle at the console.
His hard eyes flitted up to meet her's briefly before returning to the various knobs and levers he was manipulating. "It's fine, Rose." He had said, the muscle twitch in his jaw saying otherwise. "Why don't you go settle in for the night, it's been a rather unpleasant day." His tone left no room for discussion.
"Fine." Rose snapped, her temper coming to the fore right on the heels of her hurt. "If ya wanna play at being the Oncoming Sulk I'll leave you to it."
Brushing past him, her head held high in anger, she hadn't seen his left hand snake out fast as lightning to close around her wrist and use her own momentum against her to swing her around and into him. He gripped her chin between his right thumb and index finger to raise her face to his, eyes nearly black with some barely suppressed emotion. Rose shivered at the intensity of his stare completely unsure of what might come next.
"Never make light of that title again." He practically growled, his mouth inches from her's. "I earned that title making choices and doing things your puny human brain couldn't begin to fathom." Rose had stumbled back a step as he released her chin roughly and she experienced for the first time the full impact of the Oncoming Storm directed at her.
Her heart broke for him then. Behind the rage, behind the arrogance, there was pain and loss the depths of which she knew were outside the realm of her comprehension. All the fight drained from her as she was suffused with compassion and love for this broken man. Her Doctor. Her hand had risen of its own accord to cup his cheek, the tenderness of the action triggering a shudder through his tall frame before he caught himself and jerked away from the comfort she so temptingly offered.
"Go to bed, Rose." He'd commanded, knuckles white where they gripped the console behind him.
Rose closed her teeth tightly on her lower lip to hold back the torrent of words threatening to escape. "G'night, Doctor." With that she had retreated to her room to shower and prepare for bed, donning an oversized tee and climbing exhausted, emotionally and physically, beneath the duvet in search of escape from the whirlwind within her.
Now here she stood frozen with indecision, unable to move forward or return to her room. Another shout rent the air around her and she chose, the door opening even as she reached for it, the TARDIS signaling her approval.
Once inside her eyes were automatically drawn to the figure thrashing on the bed, displaced linens scattered around him. Rose stepped up to the bed, tears silently trailing down her face as she observed the Doctor in this unguarded moment. The only concessions he'd made to sleep seemed to have been the removal of his trainers and suit jacket which were flung haphazardly in the general direction of his closet.
"Doctor?" Rose whispered, kneeling on the edge of the mattress. He was lost in the grip of a nightmare, out of reach of her voice she thought. "Doctor, please."
"Rose."
She squeaked in surprise as the Doctor's hand captured her's enroute to his shoulder. "D-Doctor?"
His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed roughly, eyes still closed. "What are you doing?"
"You were havin' a nightmare. Heard ya shoutin' all the way in my room." She forced a grin, attempting to break the burgeoning tension.
"I know I was having a nightmare, I was having it. I asked what you thought you were doing." In counterpoint to his words his thumb had begun softly stroking her inner wrist.
Suppressing a shiver Rose tried again. "Jus' wanted to make sure you're all right, is all."
"I'm always all right. Always the one in charge." The Doctor finally met her gaze and she couldn't repress the shiver that swept through her this time. The low light in his room did nothing to illuminate the depths of his hooded eyes. "Even when I'm forced to make the difficult choices, the life and death choices, the ones where not everyone lives, I'm all right. Because I'm the Doctor and that's what a doctor does. Triage, they call it. Choose who lives and who dies," he clenched her hand tighter in his suddenly, the gentle strokes ceasing. "even if Rose Tyler may be found among the dead."
Rose's hand jerked in his in surprise but he didn't relax his grip. "What're ya talkin' about? What happened while I was being held? Tell me!" she demanded grabbing his shoulder with her free hand as though to shake it out of him.
"It doesn't matter. It's done. Fin. Let it go and go back to your bed where you're safe."
"Oi, no you don't. I may just have a 'puny human brain' but I understand that something 'specially bad happened down on that planet and that we were involved, so tell me, what was it?" Pain spiked through her heart as the Doctor flung her hands from him and scrambled up and back to lean against the headboard before answering.
"Fine, you want to know the level to which I again had to sink because no one else would?" He ran a hand aggressively down his face; his eyes finally revealing just how much grief and pain he was burdened with from his actions. "Scientists under orders from the royal house were building and experimenting with biological weapons the likes of which I have never come across. They were in a silo primed to release the agent into the populace, the royal family safe and sound in their own bunker elsewhere. Willing to murder everyone on the planet not wealthy enough to be able to wait it out safely, just to dispense with a few hundred dissenters. Bit of an overreaction if you ask me? Anyway. Our rebel friends managed to get me there in time but there was an accident." He voice softened and Rose felt herself start slightly as his hands came up to gently hold her face, maintaining the almost painful eye contact.
"Rose, we had no idea where they were keeping you. All we'd heard was that political prisoners were taken to the silo to be used in the experimentation that went on there." He drew in a deep breath and released it as he dropped his hands and eyes, shame hollowing his voice. "One of the scientists managed to rush to the weapon, intending, I think, to escape with it, but he-he set it off." Rose gasped and the Doctor just shook his head noncommittally. "There was no information on how the agent spread, only that it was virulent and deadly with a non-existent incubation period. Everyone started to panic naturally, the scientists, the rebels, and they were all looking at me to save them. But how could I? How could I doom the planet for a chance to save them? A chance to save y-." He shook his head again still not looking at her. "So I took charge and I chose. I sealed us in to await our deaths." He released a humorless chuckle. "Simple choice in the end. Always is. What are a few dozen lives weighed against those of the rest of the planet?"
Blinded by tears Rose still felt the weight of his gaze when he brought his eyes back to her face. "They died, Rose. Scientist, rebel; soldier, prisoner. And all I could feel as I walked amongst their bodies was relief. Relief that I hadn't come across your's yet and hope that I wouldn't after all." A choked sob escaped him and Rose flung herself into his arms offering comfort as much as craving it for herself. "I lived and everyone else died. Again. I made a decision that doomed everyone else but I got to walk away unscathed. Just once I'd like someone else to take charge, make the choices." He wiped the hand not clutching Rose to him down his face clearing it of the tears that lingered.
"Let me." She breathed barely above a whisper, leaning her forehead against his, her voice ghosted across his lips. "Please, let me."
"Yes."