Chapter 4

Simon sat up wearily early the next morning and winced at the pain in his neck from sleeping in a chair all night. He stood quickly and moved over to River and Mal and found them both asleep. Simon took Mal's temperature and was relived to find that it was almost a degree cooler than it had been the previous night. It was still high enough to be dangerous but Simon knew that it was a good sign that the fever had lowered some.

"How is he?" Zoe asked as she walked into the room.

"His fever is a little lower than it was. That's a good sign hopefully the antibiotics will keep working and bring it down the rest of the way." Simon replied.

"You look like yer bout dead yourself Doc. Why don't you go get some sleep in an actual bed and I'll stay with them." Zoe offered.

"Are you sure? River could be agitated when she wakes up."

"I think we'll be fine, if I need to I can always come and get you." Zoe assured him and pushed Simon towards the hallway.

"Thanks Zoe. Come get me if you need anything." He instructed as he walked towards his bunk.

Once Simon was gone Zoe turned and looked at Mal. She brushed a stray piece of hair off of his face and was a little shocked to feel how hot his skin still was. Zoe pulled the chair that Simon had been sleeping in over between the two beds and sat down so that she could keep an eye on Mal and River at the same time.

River stirred and woke up a few minutes later. She looked around in a panic for a moment as if she didn't realize where she was. When her eyes fell on Zoe she relaxed instantly and gave the older woman a small smile.

"Hey how ya doin?" Zoe whispered.

"I don't know. Simon and Mal asked me the same thing. I don't know what to tell them." River replied.

"I'm sorry for what happened. If you need to talk to someone I'm here. I- well I know what you're going through and I know it's not really something you can explain to someone who hasn't been there." Zoe said uncomfortably.

"You mean you were…" River asked not sure how to ask the question.

"Raped? Yes in a POW camp after Serenity Valley. It was one of the Alliance guards. Mal was in the next cell over. He saw the whole thing but couldn't do anything to stop it. I think that was almost worse for him than it was for me." Zoe explained.

River picked up the memory from Zoe's head unintentionally and grimaced when she saw the way Mal had fought at the bars separating him from Zoe, screaming the whole time trying to make the guard angry enough to leave Zoe alone and come after him. River felt herself crying while she absorbed the memory and was surprised to see that Zoe had tears in her eyes as well.

"He loves you very much." River commented.

"We've been through a lot together. He's my family."

"Does it ever stop hurting?" River asked suddenly. "Do you ever feel clean again? I feel like I'll never get away from him, like he'll always be in my head, contaminating me."

"It will get easier. Someday you'll feel like yourself again, it just takes time." Zoe encouraged gently.

She moved over to River's bed and stroked her head comfortingly. River had never seen Zoe be so gentle or affectionate to anyone besides Wash and she hadn't seen her show emotion like this since his death.

"Thank you for telling me about what happened to you. It makes it a little easier knowing someone else knows what it's like."

Zoe gave her a sad smile and continued to stroke her head. "I'm here anytime you want to talk about it. I didn't talk about it at all after it happened and I think it made it worse. You can't hold something like that inside or it will eat you up."

River pulled in a shaky breath and looked over to Mal's sleeping form.

"He's better today, his mind isn't so confused." River said.

"Simon said his fevers down some." Zoe confirmed.

"He keeps dreaming about you… and me. Thinks he should have protected both of us from what happened. He always wants to take the blame, even for things he can't control." River said sadly.

"Yes. He's been a leader for so long, he thinks he always has to carry everyone's burdens as his own." Zoe agreed.

Zoe watched the way River looked over at Mal. She had a look of concern and something else in her face that Zoe couldn't quite define. It was a look that showed so much feeling it almost took Zoe's breath away, a look that somehow reminded her of Wash.

"You have feelings for him don't you River?" Zoe asked.

River blinked and swallowed thickly while quickly pulling her eyes away from the Captain.

"I- I- well of course I care for him, he's the Captain and he's done so much for me. He's a very good man." River stuttered.

"It's alright River, I won't tell anyone. I know that look you just had on your face. I used to see it on Wash's face every time we went out on a job. You can't look at someone with that much caring and concern if you're not in love with them. I've thought for awhile now maybe you were feeling something for him."

"I love him. I don't know how it happened, but I do." River admitted sounding confused.

"Ain't nothing to be ashamed of. Like you said he's a very good man and there ain't a lot of men here on this boat for you to feel that way about. Do you think he feels the same way about you?"

"I can't say Zoe. I know how he feels but that's because I can read him, I can't reveal the things in someone's mind it would be wrong."

"Guess you're probably right about that. But I'll tell ya something that man has had more than his fair share of grief and heartache. If he does have feelings for you it may be that's a good thing. If you could find some happiness together, you both deserve that chance."

"Thank you Zoe. It means a lot to me that you think maybe I would be good for him. I know he values your opinion more than anyone else's in the Verse." River replied.

"River what happened to the man who did this to you?" Zoe asked abruptly changing the subject.

"Dead. There were four of them. Only one raped me, the others tried but I killed two of them. After I killed them the others tied me to a tree outside in the cold, naked." River shuddered involuntarily at the memory. Her eyes held a glazed far off look as she remembered being left in the snow.

Zoe had to swallow thickly past a lump in her throat. She could all too well imagine the pain and fear River must have felt being left to die in the frigid night especially after being hurt and violated so viciously.

"Mal came and killed the other two while I was unconscious. He brought me inside their cabin and took care of me. He held me, made me warm. He was so gentle…" River trailed off lost in the memory of waking up in Mal's arms and knowing she was safe.

Zoe smiled at the girl and in a very uncharacteristic display of affection leaned down and kissed River on the forehead.

"River take it from me. If you care about Mal, tell him. Don't wait. I would give anything in the world to have more time with Wash. If you love him, let him know, don't waste the time you have together." She whispered.

Zoe continued to stare down intently at River for another moment and then straightened up and wiped the tears from her face.

"Get some sleep now, it'll do you good." Zoe instructed firmly and returned to her chair.

"I'll watch over him for both of us."

Zoe had just started to doze off a few hours later when River sat up screaming. Zoe figured the girl was having a nightmare but River jumped from the bed and over to Mal's side.

"He can't breath! Get Simon!" River screamed to Zoe. Before she had even finished the sentence the monitors connected to Mal began beeping loudly and Zoe noticed that Mal's lips were turning blue.

Zoe ran from the infirmary and towards Simon's room. She met him in the hallway as he hurried to the infirmary drawn by the sounds of the monitors.

Simon pulled River away from Mal's bed quickly and began to work. He pulled out an oxygen mask attached to a bag and fit it over Mal's mouth and nose.

"Zoe I need you to come squeeze this bag every five seconds, he's not getting enough air on his own." Simon instructed as he plunged a syringe full of something into Mal's neck.

"What's going on Doc?" Zoe asked as she squeezed the bag that was breathing for Mal.

"I'm not sure yet, let me work." Simon told her shortly, completely focused on helping his patient.

Simon put his stethoscope to Mal's chest for a minute and Zoe's heart sank as she watched Simon's face pale.

"Fuck!" He shouted and threw the stethoscope across the room. Zoe knew it had to be bad for Simon to be using such language and throwing things.

"What is it?" She asked urgently.

"He has fluid in his lungs; pneumonia from the infection. The antibiotics aren't working as well as they should. I think the combination of the infection coupled with being out in the cold has put too much of a strain on his immune system." Simon explained.

He pulled Zoe away from the oxygen bag and to her horror shoved a tube down Mal's throat and started him on a ventilator to breath for him.

"Isn't there anything you can do?" Zoe asked.

"He needs stronger antibiotics, ones that I don't have on board. We need to get closer to the Core if we're going to find them. We could probably get them on Persephone. How fast could we get there?"

"If we go to full burn we could make it in three days, give or take a few hours. Lucky we just fueled up." Zoe answered.

"Get us to full burn now then. I'm not sure if he can make it three days, but I'll do everything I can to keep him stable for as long as possible." Simon replied.

Without another word Zoe ran from the room to wake up Kaylee so she could prepare the engines for lift off and going to full burn immediately. Simon was slightly surprised when he felt Serenity take off only five minutes later. After giving Mal another large dose of antibiotics and a medication that would hopefully help rid the fluid from his lungs Simon turned to check on River. She was sitting up with her knees drawn to her chest and rocking back and forth.

"Mei-mei?" Simon asked with concern. River didn't answer him or respond in anyway; she simply continued to stare into space and rock.

"River? River come one look at me, focus on me. RIVER!" Simon finally shouted into her face causing River to blink and look at him.

"Please help him Simon. He can't die. I can't make it through this without him. Please Simon." River pleaded desperately.

Simon was slightly taken back by the depth of feeling in River's words. He knew that she and the Captain had become close in the last few months, but he had no idea he was that important to her.

"I'm doing everything I can mei-mei. I promise." Simon assured her.

"I love him Simon. I'm in love with him and I can't lose him; not now." River revealed.

Simon felt like he was frozen in place as he tried to absorb what his sister had just told him. He couldn't seem to wrap his head around what she had told him. How could she be in love? And with the Captain? He was far too old for her. His mind came up with a thousand arguments against this development, but when he saw the look on his sister's face he couldn't voice a one of them. He had never seen her look so sure of anything in her life. She looked terrified and in pain, but she also looked more at peace than he had seen her since before the Academy.

"You love him? Really love him?" Simon asked finally finding his voice.

"Yes I have for quite awhile I just didn't know what I was feeling. But out in the woods when I woke up in his arms I knew. I've never felt this way before, I can't lose it before I even have it. Please make him better." She whimpered.

"I will mei-mei, I will." He promised hoping that it wasn't a promise that was going to be broken.

"You aren't angry? I thought you would object when I told you." She said and smiled through her tears.

"I can't say I'm completely comfortable with it. But you seem very sure about your feelings. I know sometimes I have trouble realizing that you're an adult now, but one thing I would never do is deny you love if you've found it. Does he feel the same about you?"

"It's too soon to say anything. His feelings are very confused, even more than yours were before you and Kaylee got together."

"I'm happy you've found someone to love River. I promise you I'll do everything I possibly can to pull him through this." Simon assured his sister.

"Thank you Simon, for everything." River said and pulled her brother in for a hug.

Simon kissed the top of his sister's head and hugged her in return. He still couldn't believe that his little sister was in love, yet somehow the idea of it made him strangely happy.