Chapter 6

Simon was shocked and had to take a second to process the Captain's words before replying.

"Alright that's fine. You've been very sick and your memory might just take a bit to catch up with everything that's happened." Simon told him trying to keep Mal calm.

Mal nodded his head and took a deep breath, but continued to glance frantically around the room.

"Mal is lost." Simon heard River whisper.

Simon turned and saw that River was lying on her side facing Mal. Her eyes were impossibly large and unblinking as she gazed at the man she loved with a frightened expression.

"It's ok River. I'm going to take care of him. I need you to do me a favor. Go wake up the crew and take them up to the galley and explain what's going on. Keep them upstairs until I'm done running some tests on Mal, I'll be up after that. He's going to be confused enough without everyone in here talking at him." Simon whispered to River, hoping that Mal couldn't overhear him.

River continued to stare at Mal as if she hadn't heard a word Simon had said. Simon gently grabbed her shoulder and shook her a little.

"Mei-mei, can you do that for me?" Simon asked.

River shook her head and seemed to snap back to the present moment.

"I can do that Simon." She whispered and left the room.

Simon turned to Mal and gave him a smile that was supposed to be reassuring, but came out as more of a worried grimace.

"Is there anything at all that you can remember? Even if it's vague or fuzzy?" Simon asked.

Mal furrowed his brow and gazed up at the ceiling. He let out a frustrated sigh over a minute later and shook his head.

"It's all a blank. I'm sorry but I can't remember anything at all. Nothing since before I woke up a few minutes ago." Mal said sounding scared and discouraged.

"That's alright. We'll get this figured out. You're name's Malcolm Reynolds, we're on you're ship Serenity. I'm your doctor Simon Tam." Simon explained feeling unbelievably strange introducing himself to a man he'd known for nearly three years.

"I want to run some tests on you; take a scan of your brain and then do some basic neurological tests to find out the extent of the amnesia you're having." Simon explained as he set up the scanner.

An hour later Simon walked out of the infirmary to find Zoe anxiously waiting on the couch.

"River said Mal can't remember anything is that true?" She asked.

"Let's go up to the galley so I can explain this to everyone at once. Mal's asleep I gave him a smoother, so he won't be awake for an hour at least."

Everyone jumped to their feet anxiously when the two walked through the door.

"How's the Cap'n?" Kaylee asked.

"He's stable. The antibiotics are working. The fever is almost completely gone and his lungs are much clearer than they were before. I think he'll make a full recovery from the infection and the pneumonia." Simon explained.

"How come he can't remember nothin?" Jayne interrupted.

"Remember I said there could be brain damage? The seizures caused swelling in the area of his brain that controls memory. It's called retrograde amnesia."

"What exactly is that in non-doctor speak?" Zoe asked.

"Basically it means that the swelling is interfering with his ability to recall personal memories from his past. You see memories are stored in different parts of the brain depending on what kind they are. Learned skills are stored in one area and personal long term memories are stored in another. Mal's brain isn't able to access the area of his brain that retains personal memories."

"I don't get it." Jayne grunted.

"I guess the best way I can describe it is like this; Mal will remember how to do things, but won't be able to recall how he learned them. He'll remember how to fly Serenity, but he won't be able to tell us how he learned to pilot or where he bought Serenity." Simon explained hoping he was making sense.

"So he can't remember any of us?" Kaylee asked.

"No. Right now he can't even remember himself, everything from before he slipped into the coma is a blank to him."

"Is he gonna get better?" She continued sounding on the verge of tears.

"I can't really say for certain, but I think his memory will return, eventually. If he continues to recover physically then the swelling in his brain should go down and his memory will start functioning again. It can however take a significant amount of time; the brain is very resilient at healing but also very slow." Simon warned.

"So what do we do now Doc?" Zoe asked.

"I think the best thing we can do is let him take it really slow. He's still very weak from the illness and obviously he's going to be very confused. I'd say we just try to reintroduce him to us and his home slowly so we don't overwhelm him and then we try to treat him as normally as possible. The more he gets back to his normal life the faster his brain will begin to associate his new memories with the old ones."

Once Simon was finished explaining things he yawned loudly and stretched causing his back to crack loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear.

"Simon ya need ta get some sleep. You been in that infirmary for almost six days straight." Kaylee admonished gently.

"I think you're probably right about that, feel like I'm gonna drop. Someone should sit with Mal so he won't be alone when he wakes up. I was thinking maybe…" Simon began but was cut off by his sister.

"Zoe you should sit with Mal. You know him the best. It will be a comfort to have you there, even if he can't remember." River said quietly staring down at the floor the whole time.

"That's probably a good idea. Zoe maybe you can sit with him and explain some things. Don't overwhelm him, but do try and give him an understanding of who he is and who we are." Simon instructed.

Zoe nodded her head and left to the infirmary without saying a word. The rest of the crew broke up soon after that, each of them moving to their own parts of the ship.

Mal woke up an hour later to find a beautiful tall woman sitting at his side.

"Um hi." He said.

"Hi Sir. I'm Zoe." She returned simply.

"Sir? That seems kinda formal. Do we know each other?" Mal asked.

"You could say that. We've been best friends for twelve years, since we served in the army together."

"I was in the army?" Mal asked.

Zoe sighed and realized this was going to be more difficult than she'd expected. She sat back in her chair and began to tell Mal about his past, unsure of just how much she should reveal all at once.

The next week passed without incident while Mal remained in the infirmary to recover. Eventually he met the entire crew, each of them taking their turns at telling him who they were and who they saw him as.

Jayne and Zoe had managed to line up a small job that gave them enough coin to stock supplies and fuel Serenity. Once that was done they headed into the Black without a destination or plan in mind.

At the end of the week Simon decided that Mal was well enough to return to his bunk. After giving him a tour of the ship Zoe led Mal to his room, but realized suddenly that Mal's bunk was locked and he was the only one who knew, or had known, the code to get in.

"Stay here a minute, I have an idea." Zoe told Mal after she explained the problem.

Zoe found River sitting quietly in the bridge staring out at the stars.

"River I'm hoping you can help us. Have you by any chance ever read Mal's security password to his bunk?" Zoe asked hopefully.

"32-46-98." River told her without turning around.

"Well that was easy. Do you know everyone's security codes?" Zoe asked uncomfortably.

"Yes, didn't try to find them out, but everyone always recites them when they use them. Couldn't help but overhear. Please don't tell the others, it would make them uncomfortable." River requested.

"Don't worry you're secret is safe with me. I know it can't be helped." Zoe turned to leave the room then stopped and turned back to the reader.

"How are you doing River? Everyone's been so concerned with Mal, but I just want you to know we haven't forgotten about what you went through as well." Zoe assured her.

River nodded her head, but still didn't turn around to face Zoe.

"Well like I said before if you need to talk, I'm here." Zoe reminded as she left.

"How'd ya get the combo? I thought I was the only one who knew it?" Mal asked as Zoe popped open his hatch.

"Simon told you about out little River's talents didn't he?" Zoe asked.

"Said she's a reader. You mean ta tell me she got the combo ta my room outta my head?" Mal asked his face a mixture of awe and uncertainty.

"Yes, she asked that we don't tell anyone she knows the lock codes. Said she couldn't help hearing them from our heads and she wouldn't want to make anyone upset."

"Guess I can do that. I feel sorry for the poor girl, gotta be hard bein like she is." Mal said thoughtfully and glanced towards the bridge.

"So do I." Zoe agreed as she climbed down the ladder to Mal's bunk thinking about everything that River had gone through recently.

"Well this is it. I think I'll leave you alone so you can look around." Zoe added and began to climb the ladder again.

"Thanks for everything Zoe I know this is probably makin things hard on everyone, I don't mean ta be a burden or nothin'."

"We're family on this ship, when family needs helping it's never a burden." Zoe told him sincerely and disappeared from the hatch.

Mal spent the next few hours digging through everything in his bunk searching for clues as to the man he used to be. He didn't find much. He had expected letters from home or pictures, but all he found was a box filled with metals of valor from the war. Zoe had told him that they'd served together, but he hadn't known he'd been a war hero. Other than the metals the only personal item he found was a picture of the entire crew; this one included a young blond man in a loud Hawaiian shirt who had his arm around Zoe and an older black man with silver hair. He wondered who the two men were; no one had mentioned any other crew members.

After a few more restless hours Mal left his bunk and began to walk the halls of Serenity. The doctor had told him to get a lot of rest, but his mind was racing with so many unanswered questions he knew resting was going to be impossible. After walking through the cargo bay and galley Mal found himself up on the bridge. He was momentarily stunned by the beauty of the sky outside the window. He supposed he'd seen this view many times before, but he was seeing it now as if for the first time he couldn't imagine anything more beautiful.

"You've always loved this view." River said suddenly from the pilot's chair.

Mal had been so caught up in the stars that he hadn't noticed her sitting in the room and he jumped about three feet in the air when she spoke.

"Darlin you scared the hell outta me!" He exclaimed.

"Sorry." River muttered quietly.

"Mind if I sit down?" He asked and then sat in the opposite chair without waiting for an answer.

River continued to stare out at the stars and didn't reply or turn to look at him.

"Maybe I'm gettin this wrong, but since I'm a little lost right now I figure I better just ask. You don't like me much do ya?" Mal asked abruptly.

River turned suddenly and looked right at him.

"Why would you assume I don't like you?" River asked and Mal noticed a slight tremble in her voice.

"Don't know really, just seems like everyone else is around all the time, tryin to make sure I know em, but I've barely even spoken to you. I figured it was cause maybe you and me didn't like each other before or somethin." Mal explained.

"It's not that I dislike you. Before the coma you and I had become very good friends. It's just difficult being around you right now." River whispered still refusing to look at him.

"Why's that?" He asked.

"You're mind is so open and so closed at the same time right now. I can't stop from reading you right and it is very chaotic in you mind."

"Sorry don't mean to be hurtin ya none." Mal apologized.

"It's nothing that can be helped. Please don't worry about it." River assured him kindly.

"May I ask you something else?" Mal asked, sounding uncomfortable.

"Of course."

"Well I just been noticin you seem to have taken quite a beating recently. And with me bein shot I was just wonderin if we were together when we got hurt. No one's really told me what happened. Zoe just said I got shot while I was huntin. But something about the way she said it made me think it weren't that simple."

River didn't respond for over a minute, simply sat and stared at the stars. When she finally spoke Mal noticed that she was no longer gazing at the stars, she was just staring blankly at nothing, a lost haunted look in her eyes.

"I was there. We were in the woods hunting and a group of men attacked us. You took a bullet to the shoulder, my horse was hit and I went down. I hit my head on a tree and blacked out."

"Those men beat on ya?"

"Yes they knocked you out and took me to their hunting cabin while I was still out. I woke up and..." River stopped talking and Mal could see tears running down her face. She didn't have to continue, he knew all too well what had happened to her.

"You found me a few hours later. Killed two of the men and took care of me. I'm sorry this happened to you because of me." River added.

Mal stood up from his seat and knelt down in front of River. He reached up with one hand and turned her head so that she was forced to look at him.

"I don't remember what happened out there in them woods but one thing I'm damn sure of is that none of it was yer fault." Mal told her sternly.

She stared into his eyes for a long time as if she were searching for something in those blue depths. Mal returned her stare and felt like his heart had stopped beating for a moment. He couldn't remember anything about his life before, but something about this girl was calling to him in a way that he couldn't grasp. It was like he knew her even though he could remember nothing about her. He brushed a tear off of her chin and then rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip, suddenly wanting nothing more than to kiss her.

River cupped his face in her hand and smiled sadly, but sweetly at him. Without letting himself think on it any further Mal leaned forward suddenly and brought his lips to hers. The kiss was more intense than he had expected, it stole the breath from him and made his heart race. River seemed to feel the same as a small moan escaped her lips. They were both lost in the sensation for a few minutes until both pulled away at the same time and gasped for breath.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." River said suddenly and then jumped up and ran from the room.

"Hey River wait." Mall called and chased after her. She was unbelievably quick, but Mal was finally able to catch up with her in the galley.

"What's wrong? I feel like maybe I just did something really bad, but I have no idea why. Think you could shed some light on the situation for me?" Mal asked hating how helpless and lost he felt.

"I shouldn't have kissed you, it isn't fair." River said.

"Ya know if I'm remembering correctly I kissed you. And what's wrong with it? Simon told me I ain't involved with anyone on the ship. You got a man I didn't know about? That Jayne fella?"

River burst out laughing when he said this.

"No trust me Jayne and I are not nor have we ever been involved. I just don't want to take advantage of you when you can't remember anything."

"Trust me I didn't feel taken advantage of." Mal said lightly trying to make her laugh again.

"Maybe not now, but once your memory returns you might."

"If my memory returns. And why would I feel taken advantage of?"

"The day after you rescued me, we were in the cabin and I kissed you. You told me it wasn't right and that we couldn't do it again. So if I kiss you now, it would be going against your wishes and that would be taking advantage." River explained.

"Maybe I was right. I'm way to old ta be doin anything with ya. I know I don't remember ya right now, but I can tell what an amazing woman you are, ya probably deserve better than me." Mal replied sadly.

River once again burst out laughing.

"Somethin' funny bout that?" Mal asked.

"Even with no memory you make the same arguments as you did before. Why can't I convince you that I'm a woman capable of making my own choices? If I want to be with you and you want to be with me, why should anything else matter?" River asked.

"Did I? Want to be with you, before I mean?" Mal asked.

"Yes, you wouldn't admit it. Too caught up trying to do the right thing, but it is very difficult to hide something like that from a reader. I'm sorry I don't mean to pry feelings from your head, but sometimes they are too loud to ignore." River told him.

"Ya know I can't remember anything, but something inside of me is screaming to kiss you again. Maybe I should stop being the idiot I was before and just do something about it." Mal whispered.

River gave him a wide smile as Mal pulled her to him and kissed her again. It was every bit as wonderful as their kiss on the bridge and Mal briefly had to wonder how he could have kissed her before and then turned her away. He must have been crazy before losing his memory to deny himself something as amazing.

"I feel like kissing you might help me remember." Mal whispered as he leaned in to kiss her neck.

"Kissing you helps me forget." She whispered.