Chapter 9
"Mal?" Inara blurted surprised to open her door and find the Captain standing there.
"You knocked! Who knew getting amnesia would work miracles on you." Inara joked.
Mal smiled politely but looked confused as to why him knocking was a joke.
"Would it be alright if I came in and talked to ya?" He asked nervously.
"Of course please come in." Inara answered graciously and stepped back so the Captain could enter the shuttle.
He stood gaping at the silks and decorations draping the walls as if he'd never seen them before and Inara realized with a jolt that to him he never had.
"Wow. It's really pretty in here, rich lookin ya know?" Mal commented as he continued to scan the shuttle's décor.
"Yes my clients expect a Companion to live in a room like this. I wouldn't want to ruin their illusions." Inara replied.
"So what is it I can do for you Mal?" Inara asked after a half minute of uncomfortable silence.
"Um well I kinda wanted to talk to ya bout something." Mal stammered and looked down at his feet.
"Alright would you like to sit down?" Inara offered and motioned to the silk couch opposite her bed.
Mal swallowed nervously and sat down on the edge of the sofa. Inara began to make tea for them as she waited patiently for Mal to begin.
"So this is kinda uncomfortable, but someone mentioned that you and me maybe had some sorta feelings or something for each other." Mal said quietly.
Inara lost all of her calm Companion training for a moment and simply gaped at Mal. She nervously collected herself a moment later and cleared her throat.
"Well um, yes I suppose you could say we had some sort of feelings of a kind." She replied sounding every bit as uncomfortable as Mal had.
"Can I ask what exactly we had going on? Were we involved, romantically I mean?" Mal asked bluntly.
"Involved? No we never have been, but there were feelings between us and I had always thought someday we would be together."
Mal sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Whatever it is Mal you should just tell me. I can always tell when there's something you need to say." Inara encouraged.
"The thing is since I woke up and couldn't remember anything, well me and River have been getting mighty close. She and I well we kind of started something the other night and I just though I should tell you in person about it." Mal finally blurted out.
Inara stared at him with a look of shock and betrayal on her face.
"But Mal how can you do this now? You can't remember anything, these feelings you're having for her are just a result of not knowing any of us. Once you remember your life don't you think things will change?" Inara protested.
"What I'm feeling for River ain't just some schoolboy crush Inara. I'm fallin in love with her and I think it started before I lost my memory. I don't rightly know how ta describe it, but even though I can't remember her it feels like I know her."
Inara began to cry then, large tears streaming down her cheeks and smudging her makeup.
"I'm sorry Inara. I don't wanna hurt ya or nothin. But I can't just ignore what I'm feelin for River. It ain't fair to her, or you." Mal said regretfully.
He reached up and tried to wipe the tears from her cheek. Inara pulled her head away from his hand and glared at him angrily.
"Don't you can't just tell me something like that and then try to comfort me!" She yelled.
"I'm sorry Inara I was just tryin to do the right thing. You said yerself me and you weren't together, that we never have been. Why's it so bad for me to find someone I can be with?" Mal asked.
Inara had no reply so she turned her back to him and stared out the window of her shuttle. She was quiet for so long that Mal began to think perhaps he should simply get up and leave without bothering her again. Just as he was ready to leave Inara turned and looked at him. Her face still looked shocked and hurt, but she was no longer crying.
"You're right Mal. We never had anything more than unspoken feelings and frustrations. I'm glad you've found someone who can give you the things that I couldn't. But understand, this is it, I'm finished. If you get your memory back and realize it was me you really wanted I won't be here for that. I can't keep doing this dance with you Malcolm Reynolds. You have my friendship and my loyalty, but you're never going to have my love." Inara told him in a monotone voice.
"I understand that Inara, I wouldn't hurt you like this and then change my mind. I am sorry bout all this." Mal said sincerely.
"Mal don't hurt her. River's been through more than anyone should have to, so just don't hurt her alright? She needs someone to take care of her, even if she doesn't realize that."
"Believe me Inara hurting her is the last thing in the Verse I'd want to do." Mal answered honestly.
Inara gave him a genuine smile then and Mal saw why he had had feelings for her in the past, she was a strikingly beautiful woman. Even as this thought passed through his mind an image of River replaced Inara and Mal's heart sped up suddenly.
"Thank you for coming to me Mal. I appreciate the gesture, even if it was Simon who pointed you in my direction." Inara said with a teasing gleam in her eye.
Mal smiled lightly and gave Inara a brief friendly hug.
"Hey are you given the man who can't remember anything a hard time, specially after I came here and was all honest with ya? I mean yer lucky I even know yer name." He joked.
"Go find River. I can tell you're dying to see her." Inara said good naturedly and pushed Mal towards her door.
After Mal was gone Inara locked the door and sat down on her bed waiting for the flood of tears she knew would hit her soon. She kept staring at the floor waiting for the breakdown. But it didn't seem to be coming, why wasn't it coming? Inara grabbed a pillow and squeezed it tightly, she had expected to be heartbroken after that conversation but she wasn't. True she was sad, but it was almost a resigned tired kind of sad, not the heart wrenching kind she'd expected.
Inara sighed and lit some incense, before sitting on the floor and beginning to meditate. Twenty minutes later she took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Like always meditating had calmed her mind and given her clarity into her current situation. It was jolting to realize but she wasn't that upset about Mal and River. She and Mal had always been an 'almost' and never been a 'forever'. As difficult as this was for the Companion to admit she knew they would both be better off. Inara realized that they would both have had to give up too much of themselves to make a relationship work and then they would have been miserable and ended up hating each other. It was better that they remain friends and nothing more.
She stood up from the mat on the floor and straightened her clothes. She took a deep breath, fixed her makeup, and realized that she felt lighter than she had felt in months.
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"You informed Inara of our intentions." River said without turning to look at Mal as he walked onto the bridge.
"Ya know darlin it's down right unsettlin how you always know when someone walks into the room without even lookin at em." Mal commented as he took the co-pilots seat.
"And yes I talked to her." He added.
"She understands things, not upset." River replied confidently.
"Yeah she was real understandin bout things. I think it'll be ok. Ya know this is the spot where we had our first kiss." Mal commented slyly as he stood and stepped behind River's chair. He reached out with one hand and ran his hand through her hair, enjoying the sensation of her soft hair sliding between his fingers.
"Not our first kiss, just the first one you can remember. But it was our best kiss." River said with a sigh as she relaxed her head back against his chest.
"Wouldn't be discountin them ones in the galley they weren't nothin' to forget about neither." Mal commented and leaned over to kiss River upside down.
"Thought we decided to wait until your memory returned." River reminded him regretfully.
"I know, sorry. Just hard ta wait for something this good." Mal explained and stepped away from River.
"Won't have much longer to wait, Helios is right there." River said and pointed out the window to a small reddish moon that was growing steadily larger in their field of vision.
"Should be docked by tomorrow morning." River assured him. She stood and gave him a slow lingering kiss that stole his breath away.
"Thought we was supposed ta be waitin?" Mal asked breathlessly.
"That was just to remind you of what will be." River explained and gave him a wickedly sexy grin before disappearing out the door.
Mal watched her vanish from view and shook his head, tomorrow couldn't come fast enough for him.
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"Still don't see why I gotta be all trussed up in this thingy." Jayne complained as he wiggled uncomfortably.
The rest of the crew tried to hide their smirks, but most were failing miserably.
"Something about this just looks so, so… right. It's like the opposite of that statue in Canton." Simon snickered as he watched Jayne wriggle in the straight jacket he was currently bound in.
Jayne scowled at him and then began to wrinkle his nose.
"Now my gorram noses itches! Somebody scratch it fer me." Jayne whined and watched as the crew all backed away from him identical looks of amusement on their faces.
"Ah come on somebody's gotta help me!" Jayne protested loudly.
River walked into the cargo bay just then and everyone stopped talking as they took in her appearance. She was dressed to play the part of an Alliance doctor. She was wearing a blue business skirt and blouse that on some would look dowdy, but on her simply looked elegant. Over that she wore a white lab coat complete with a photo id badge in the front pocket. Her hair was pulled up into a simple French twist and to complete the look she was wearing a pair of wire rimmed glasses.
Mal thought that the outfit made her look older than her twenty years and beautiful in a way he hadn't imagined her to be.
"Think I will blend in with the Alliance doctors?" She asked.
"River you look perfect." Simon complimented.
"I'm thinkin with that outfit and yer freaky ass smart brain it should be enough to make anyone think yer a doctor." Jayne joked.
"And I think that with that outfit combined and your brain, you'll have no trouble convincing anyone you're a mental patient." River shot back.
"Yeah well… Hey! That ain't funny." Jayne yelled once he got the joke.
Everyone waited around while Kaylee tinkered a bit with the Mule making sure that it was running perfectly should River and Jayne have the need to get away quickly. Mal used the time to pull River into the infirmary so they could be alone.
Mal took River into his arms and rested his chin on the top of her head. "Ya know you don't gotta do this. I hate ta think ya might get hurt or caught just fer me."
"Have you remembered anything on your own?" She asked pointedly.
"No can't say as I have." He admitted.
"Then I have to do it."
"No ya don't." He argued.
"It's no more than you would do for me, than you did do for me." She said simply and snuggled tighter against him.
"I know we agreed ta wait till after I got the medicine, but I love you. I know ya probably don't think I can cause I don't remember ya, but even if it don't make sense I love you. And I just had ta say that before you went off doing something dangerous for me." Mal whispered.
"I know you do ai-ren. Can read your thoughts remember? I love you too." She whispered back and tilted her head up to give him a kiss.
"Don't worry so much everything will be fine." She assured him.
She pulled herself from his grasp and walked towards the Mule, turning to give him one last bright smile before climbing aboard and taking the controls.
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Mal jolted awake three hours later as he heard the Mule come crashing loudly into the cargo bay.
"Doc get down here now!" He heard Jayne screaming.
Feeling cold panic settle around his heart Mal bolted from the chair he'd been napping in and ran onto the cat walk that overlooked the cargo bay.
The panic he'd been feeling moments before grew into full blown terror when he looked down at the Mule. Jayne was bleeding profusely from his right leg and his head; in his arms he held an unconscious River and was struggling to climb out of the Mule.
Mal raced down the stairs to the Mule as fast as he could and pulled River from Jayne's arms. He held River's limp body and felt his heart tighten painfully in his chest when he saw the hilt of a dagger sticking out of River's chest, blood pouring from around the blade.
Mal ran into the infirmary and placed her on the table moving to stand near her head so Simon had room to help her. Suddenly her eyes fluttered open and she gave Mal a weak smile.
"Ai-ren I'm sorry I lied." She whispered weakly and then began to cough up blood which stained her lips a dark crimson that was shocking against her shockingly pale skin.
"What'd ya lie about bao-bei?" Mal asked as he tried to swallow back the sobs threatening to escape.
"Told you everything would be fine. Didn't see it coming, I'm sorry." River whispered sounding even weaker than she had a moment before.
"Hush up silly girl. I don't care bout that, you just gotta get better for me now dong ma?" Mal ordered lovingly.
"I was successful. I found…" River stopped talking suddenly and Mal watched in horror as her back arched off the table and she then went limp.
Simon began to shout instructions to Zoe who was assisting him, but it seemed to Mal that the doctor's voice was coming from far away. The only thing he heard with any clarity was the sudden erratic beeping of River's heart on the monitor and then the terrifying silence that Mal realized meant her heart wasn't beating at all.
As Simon prepared to shock her body with the defibrillator no one noticed the small vial of medicine fall out of River's hand and shatter on the infirmary floor.