Chapter 12

One week later Mal found himself pacing outside the infirmary impatiently waiting for Simon to finish examining River. The doctor had promised that if her vitals were strong he would let her out of the infirmary and return to her own room. River hated the infirmary with a passion, it brought back too many memories of the Academy and of the people she loved being injured. Mal had spent most of the week keeping her company and trying to keep her distracted so she wouldn't dwell on her current location.

Simon opened the door a few minutes later and Mal anxiously walked inside.

"So Doc how's our girl doing?" He asked as he leaned over to give River a kiss.

Simon smiled and shook his head, still not totally comfortable watching the Captain kiss his baby sister.

"She's doing fine. Her vitals are completely normal and the incision is healing nicely. I think its fine to let her return to her room." Simon said happily, he also knew how much his sister loathed the infirmary.

Mal gave River a wide grin and picked her up from the infirmary bed.

"Ai-ren I'm perfectly capable of walking to my bunk." River giggled.

"Hey now, my girls still hurt and I aim to take care of her." He said stubbornly as he carried her to her bunk.

"So how did the latest heist go?" She asked after he'd set her down.

"Actually went off without a hitch. Forty crates of seeds and protein packs securely stowed in the cargo bay and we got a buyer all lined up. One that ain't likely to shoot me."

"Wow something new and different for you." River teased.

"Hey now, not every single contact shoots me!" Mal argued.

"True some of them just beat you up." She countered.

"I swear I'm Captain of this whole boat and I get absolutely no respect from any a the crew, even the ones I'm in love with." Mal said with mock sadness.

River smiled at his words. She'd never had anyone be in love with her before. True she had people who loved her, but someone in love with her was a new experience.

"How long until we make the drop?" River asked.

"Bout a week's trip to Atlas. I think you'll like it there, real pretty little farming moon. Lotsa wide open fields and some really pretty forests."

Mal regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. River's face took on a pained look at the word forest and he knew she was remembering what had happened to her in the woods on Eurydice.

"Oh bao-bei I'm sorry. Didn't mean ta bring up bad memories for ya." Mal apologized quickly.

"It's fine Mal." River assured him.

"Ya know we ain't really talked about what happened in them woods and I know you've been havin nightmares about it. Heard ya just about every night this week talkin in yer sleep. How are ya handlin what happened?" Mal asked hoping that bringing up the subject wouldn't upset her.

River didn't reply right away. Her eyes took on a dark haunted look and Mal began wishing he hadn't said anything.

"It's alright to bring it up Mal." She assured him, easily plucking the thoughts from his head.

"If it's too painful you don't gotta talk about it." He said gently.

"Do you think I'm ruined?" She asked quietly.

"Ruined? No why would I think that?" Mal asked.

River shrugged her shoulders and looked at him sadly.

"He ruined her. Took away the only innocence she had left." River muttered.

Mal immediately became concerned when she began speaking in the third person. It had been a long time since her speech had been disjointed and he hated to think that she was back sliding into madness once again.

"First the blue hands ruined her mind then the men in the woods ruined her body. Nothing pure left." She whispered and began to cry.

Mal quickly gathered her into his arms and began to rub her back. He tried to clear everything from his head except his feelings for her. He hoped she would read him and see herself as he saw her.

"River girl I want ya to look at me right now and listen to me. Really listen to what I'm about to tell you." Mal ordered and pulled away from her so that he could look into her eyes.

"You are the most beautiful and most incredible person I've ever known. There is not one thing about you that isn't pure. Everything you do is extraordinary, you're extraordinary. I don't see how you can't know that."

River stared at him for a long time, unblinking. She searched his eyes and his mind at the same time, looking for any sign that he wasn't telling her the truth. Finally she smiled slightly and leaned into his arms so that he could embrace her again.

"Thank you ai-ren. I look so beautiful in your mind, how can I look that beautiful to you?" She asked still not ready to believe that someone could see her the way he did.

"Because you are that beautiful darlin and that's the God's honest truth of it."

"You don't believe in God." She pointed out.

"I always believed in Him. I was just angry at him for a long time. Figured he never did one thing ta help me or anyone else. But ya know that changed that night in them woods. I prayed for the first time in a good many years. Prayed that'd I'd find ya alive and He answered my prayers. So I'm thinkin maybe it's time I give Him another chance."

River gave him one of those dazzling smiles that made his heart melt and hugged him tightly. He returned the embrace and wondered for what felt like the thousandth time how he could have gotten so lucky as to have someone like her love him.

"Not luck, my love. Fate. What was meant to be. All the bad things in both of our lives brought us here. The War, the Valley, the Academy; without them we wouldn't be here together." She said confidently.

"I think that's a good way of lookin at things." Mal replied.

"Now I think ya oughta get some sleep. I gotta go do some Captainly things and you gotta rest and finish gettin better." Mal instructed and tucked her into bed.

"Will you stay until I fall asleep? You keep the monsters away." She asked quietly.

"Course I will. Now no more talking, close yer eyes." He ordered and earned a smirk from her.

"Aye-aye Captain." She said sarcastically and then yawned widely.

Mal stretched out on the bed beside her and wrapped an arm comfortingly around her. River smiled and snuggled closer up against him laying her head on his chest and falling asleep to the comforting sound of his heartbeat.

Once River had been breathing deeply and evenly for nearly half an hour Mal eased himself away from her slowly so as not to wake her. Once he was standing he leaned over and kissed her gently on the forehead before leaving the room.

He found Zoe on the bridge. She'd taken over piloting duties since River had been injured.

"Got the course to Atlas all set?" He asked.

"Yes Sir. How's River?" She asked knowing that's where Mal had been without having to ask.

"Sleepin. Simon let her move back inta her room, don't think she's slept decently the whole time she was in the infirmary. She really hates it in there."

"Can't say that I blame her. Not overly fond of that room myself and I never had my brain cut up in one just like it." Zoe said sympathetically.

The two friends were quiet for a time, both staring out at the stars lost in their own thoughts.

"I'm glad you found her Sir." Zoe said suddenly.

Mal looked at her in surprise. It wasn't like Zoe to get sentimental.

"She's right for ya I can tell." She continued.

"Thanks Zo. You know me better than anybody so if you think its right it really must be."

Mal cleared his throat uncomfortably and said, "Well guess I better go check on things for it gets too late."

"Right Sir, good night." Zoe said sounding every bit as uncomfortable as the Captain.

Their friendship was based on a good many things, warm fuzzy conversations about feelings was not one of them.

The next week passed uneventfully as they made their way to Atlas for the drop.

The drop for once went as smoothly as Mal had predicted. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne pulled back up to Serenity afterwards in the Mule to find Kaylee and River sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.

"Everything shiny?" Kaylee asked.

"Yep, got the coin and didn't get shot." Mal replied.

Kaylee jumped out of her chair suddenly. "Simon nobody's hurt, let's go!" Kaylee yelled into the open cargo bay door.

Less than a minute later Simon walked out of Serenity carrying a blanket and a picnic basket. Kaylee happily linked her arm through his and the two disappeared into the trees.

"You feel up to takin a walk darlin?" Mal asked River after he'd helped Jayne get the Mule stored.

"Of course." River replied happily and stood up on her toes to kiss Mal before taking his hand in hers.

Mal was careful to steer them clear of the trees and towards a wide green field full of wild flowers. After a bit River let go of Mal's hand and stood with her arms outstretched and her face towards the sky. It warmed Mal's heart to see her so happy and peaceful. He gathered her into his arms and kissed her deeply enjoying the total privacy they had for once.

River was so involved with Mal that she didn't feel the man approaching until he was nearly to them.

Mal knew something was wrong when River stiffened in his arms, her fingernails digging painfully into his back. He looked up to see a man on horseback approaching. Mal's hand automatically hovered near his holster, waiting tensely for the man to make any kind of threatening move. He glanced sideways and saw that River's eyes were wide with fear and her face had taken on an ashen color. As the man grew closer he could feel her entire body shaking in fear beside him, she was trembling so hard he was afraid she was going to rip her stitches. Mal prepared himself for the inevitable badness he was positive was coming to upset River so badly.

The man however did nothing more than pass by with a pleasant nod of the head and a quiet, "Mornin." directed towards them.

Mal nodded back trying to look nonchalant. Once the man had disappeared over a small hill Mal turned to River. She had let go of his hand and was sitting on the ground with her knees pulled up to her chest and her hands covering her ears. She had her eyes squeezed tightly shut but tears were still managing to leak out and trail down her cheeks.

"River? Bao-bei? You alright?" Mal asked and hurried over to her.

The second he touched her shoulder she screamed and leapt away from him. Her eyes popped wide open and darted around in a panic. Mal hadn't seen River have an episode this badly in nearly a year, not even the one right after the rape had been so severe.

"Hey River girl. Look at me. Come on calm down. It's me Mal. You're safe alright? Right here with me." He said in a soothing tone trying to calm her down.

River however didn't seem to even hear him. She had fallen back down to the ground in the same panicked position she'd been in before. She started rocking back and forth mumbling something unintelligible under her breath. Mal stepped back and left her alone hoping that if he gave her a minute she'd calm down on her own. Five minutes later he realized that plan wasn't working, she seemed to be getting even more agitated as the seconds ticked by.

He'd never had to deal with River having an episode before, at least not on his own, Simon or one of the other crew had always been there. Mal tried once more to approach her, hoping that he could carry her back to the ship. She again screamed loudly the second he touched her, but instead of jumping away from him as before, this time she lashed out. Her foot connected with the center of his chest with more force than a ninety pound girl should have. He stumbled backwards and hit the ground struggling to pull air into his shocked lungs.

Once he was able to breathe again Mal stood up and glanced around frantically for River fearing she'd taken off while he'd been distracted with the whole trying to breathe situation. He sighed with relief when he saw her huddled on the ground behind him still rocking and muttering to herself.

Mal could see a thin line of blood on River's shirt and knew that she had ripped out her stitches like he had feared. Knowing he couldn't take anymore time to try and calm her on his own Mal pulled out his comm. unit.

"Hey Zo ya there?" He asked and waited anxiously for a reply. Thankfully he got one only a few seconds later.

"Here Sir. Everything alright?" She asked.

"No. River's havin an episode, a bad one. Simon back yet?" He asked hopefully.

"Not yet."

"Alright get a sedative from the infirmary and send Jayne out here with it. We're about half a mile south west a Serenity in a field." Mal instructed.

"You sure you want Jayne Sir? I can bring it myself." Zoe offered.

"No I think I'm gonna need Jayne ta hold her down."

Zoe was quiet for a minute and then said, "He's on his way Captain."

"Thanks Zo."

Jayne made it down to them quicker than Mal had hoped carrying the syringe in one hand.

"What set her off?" He asked after taking in River's state.

"Farmer came by on a horse." Mal answered.

"What'd he do?"

"Nothin. Just went by us is all. Don't know why it set her off so bad." Mal replied thinking back over the incident trying to determine what exactly it was that had scared her so badly. Suddenly like a light bulb going off in his head it dawned on Mal what had scared River so badly.

"Lao-tyen. I know what scared her. The guy that came by; same height, same build, same hair color as the hun-dan that raped her. Looked a lot like him. Didn't even occur to me at the time, but I'm sure soon as she saw him it brought up a whole mess a bad memories for her." Mal explained bitterly.

Jayne was silent and Mal saw him looking at River with more emotion on his face than Jayne showed for anything other than his guns.

"Gorram ruttin bastards. What kind of a liumang does something like that?" Jayne spat angrily.

"I know how ya feel, but we gotta stay calm cause she's probably feelin everything we are right about now." Mal told him and tried hard to calm his own mind.

"Alright you grab her and I'll give her the shot. Be careful; she already kicked me once and her incisions bleedin we don't wanna make it worse." Mal instructed.

Jayne grabbed River from behind, pinning her arms to her side, and Mal quickly injected her with the sedative. River fought furiously against Jayne's grip; her screams were so loud and pain filled that Mal could barely stand it. He let out a shaky sob of relief a minute later when she slumped unconscious in Jayne's arms, the sedative finally taking effect.

Mal picked her up gently and the two men began to walk back to the ship. They got back to the ship at the same time as Kaylee and Simon did. Simon ran up looking panicked when he saw River unconscious in Mal's arms. He looked even more frightened when he saw the stain of blood on her shirt.

"What happened?"

"She had an episode when we were out walkin. Had to have Jayne come down with a sedative and knock her out so's I could get her back to the ship." Mal explained as he and Simon walked to the infirmary.

"She's been doing so well. Any idea what caused it?" Simon asked.

"Some guy rode by us. He looked a lot like the man that raped her. She saw him and just lost it. Started cryin and talkin to herself. Couldn't make out most a what she was sayin, but seemed like she thought she was back in the cabin." Mal explained.

"I was afraid this might happen." Simon replied and began to pull River's shirt off to examine the damage she'd done to her incision.

"Afraid what would happen?"

"Post traumatic stress. When an individual experience something extremely traumatic it can often stay with them in their subconscious. Even when they think they're over the event, it's still in their minds. If something brings those memories up it can cause a flashback to the event. Seeing that man probably made River really believe she was reliving the rape."

"She gonna be alright?" Mal asked.

"I think so. I'll have to re-suture the incision, but it should heal up fine. The emotional trauma well that's just going to take time. She may have other episodes like this, but I think she'll continue to improve. Are you alright? You look pretty shaken up."

"Think so Doc. I just never been alone with her during an episode before. Used ta be if she got like that I'd just leave her for you to handle. Seein her that scared and not bein able ta do anything, that was one a the worst feelings I ever had. I gotta say Doc I didn't give you near enough credit for all you've done for her. Don't know how you handled all them months of her being like that all the time with out goin feng-le yerself."

Simon gave the Captain a sad smile.

"She's my sister, what else was I going to do? Are you going to be able to handle it if she has more episodes, because it's likely that she will."

"Not sayin I'm lookin forward to it, but I love that girl more'n anything in the Verse. I ain't gonna leave her when she's hurtin." Mal assured Simon.

"Well I'm all finished. Maybe you should take her to her room so she doesn't have to wake up in the infirmary." Simon suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea." Mal agreed and carried River to her room.

He lay down on the bed with her and then thought that it might not be a good idea to be so close when she woke up in case she was still frightened. He moved the desk chair next to her bed and sat down in that instead.

River woke up two hours later. She sat up and looked around in confusion at being in her room.

"Hey bao-bei it's ok. We had ta dope ya up, you had an episode." Mal explained.

"I'm sorry. I saw that man and he looked like…" River began sounding ashamed.

"I know. I put it together myself. No need ta apologize for it, you didn't do it on purpose."

"You wanted to have a nice day with me and I ruined it. I'm always doing that." She whimpered.

Mal leaned over and picked River up, sliding her onto his lap so that he could hold her closely.

"River don't worry about it. I understand what happened to ya was horrible. Its not gonna be somethin that just gets better overnight." Mal said sympathetically.

"I want to be good for you. I want to be the woman you want. Don't want to be scared if you touch me or make love to me, but I am."

"Bao-bei I ain't in any hurry. You take all the time you need. When yer ready then we'll think about movin forward, but I ain't gonna pressure you to do anything you don't want to dong-ma?"

River nodded her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Bet you love havin a girl who is crazy huh?" She asked sarcastically.

"Sure I do. Makes ya all manner a interesting, keeps me on my toes." Mal said affectionately and earned himself a punch in the arm from River.