Scene 2: Buying Peggy's Large Tampons

(Al enters the local supermarket in order to buy Peggy's tampons and walks up to the clerk.)

Clerk: Hello sir, can I help you with anything?

Al: Yes, you can help me find a rope to tie around my neck. I'm looking for (Al grits his teeth) large tampons.

(The Clerk cannot understand Al talking through his gritted teeth)

Clerk:I didn't catch that. What did you say?

Al (whispering this time):Large tampons.

Clerk:Large pom-poms? I didn't really take you for a cheering type sir.

Al (pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration): Oh, for crying out loud, large tampons.

Clerk (loudly): Oh, large tampons!

Al (sarcastically):Geez, kid, tell the whole supermarket why don't you?

Clerk (speaking into the intercom): Hey everyone, this guy up here just bought large tampons! He told me to tell everyone because he was so excited about the purchase.

(Al does his signature "finger gun to head" and pretends to commit suicide, collapsing to the floor.)

Scene 3: Buying Kelly's Dress

(Al is now at the mall and walks into a clothing store called Dress for Success and looks around when a female worker approaches him)

Female Clerk:Hi there, welcome to Dress for Success, see anything you like?

Al (Checking out the butt of another female worker that walked by): As a matter of fact, I do.

Female Clerk: Sir?

Al (Snapping out of his daydream): Listen, I need a dress that says "Look at me, I'm so sexy", but it can't exceed over $20.

Female Clerk:You know, I would have never taken you for a cross-dresser, but what a person does in the dark is their business, right?

Al: (Sarcastically) Is today moron day or something because I didn't mark it on my calender. No, the dress is for my daughter.

Female Clerk:I have just the thing.

(The Clerk brings out a white dressed with feathers lined around the bottom)

Al: Oh great, my neighbor is a mutated chicken and now my daughter is going to look like one too. Oh well, I'll take it.

(Al then walks out of the store and looks around at other stores for Bud's gift. He looks around to a sporting shop and shakes his head no. He sees a video game store and shakes his head on. His eyes then see a sex store and he nods yes).

Scene 4: Bud's Gift

(Al then walks into the Sex-R-Us and looks around the aisles to find something Bud likes)

Clerk: Hi there, welcome to Sex-R-Us. See anything you like?

Al (Checks out the butt of another worker, only to see it's a guy with long hair when he turns around. Al looks with disgust): Geez, the one store you'd want to check out a woman in. Listen, I need something for my son for Christmas.

Clerk: Let me guess "I'm a shoe salesman and my son is a virgin who goes on dates with his right hand and a doll".

Al: There's really an aisle that says that?

Clerk: No, but I could tell just by looking at you. Anyways, why not buy your son a doll?

Al: A sex doll? Geez, how hard can that be to just pick out some rubber toy?

(Al looks up to see there are a ton of variations of sex dolls)

Al: If only choosing a wife could have had this many options, I'd have left Peg. (Browsing through the dolls) Pocahantas, Cinderella, Snow White, Kathy Bates?

(Al picks up one that says "For the helpless virgin")

Al: Perfect! Finally glad to have this shopping done for this migraine I call a family. Now, where am I supposed to get a Christmas tree?