Putting Herself Out There
Stevie slammed the alarm and rolled over. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes she smiled at the pictures on her table.
"Good morning, Cowboy," she whispered.
She ran a finger along his smiling face and wondered when the pain of his leaving would release her. She had tried so many times to let him go but every time she thought he was gone something would happen and all the memories would come racing back.
After Xander's first birthday, she had moved his bed into the nursery. She knew he needed to be in his own room. More for herself then for him. She was so attuned to his movements that any noise woke her. Now she slept the whole night through, at least most nights. For some reason she had been dreaming more and more of late. And the dreams were always the same.
She was standing under the tree with Alex. The branch came down but when she got up from the ground it was her baby trapped under the log and Alex was gone. She always woke up after she saw the body on the ground.
Someone clattered dishes in the kitchen and Stevie swung her legs off the bed. It was time to get to work and work was something that was never done at Drovers. As soon as one job was done six more appeared to take its place.
In the kitchen Moira was making coffee. "Want some?"
Stevie shook her head. "Too early." She yawned and pushed her hat onto her head. "On the other hand, give me some."
Moira poured her a cup and grabbed another mug for herself. "Bad sleep?"
Stevie sipped the dark liquid and sighed. "Yeah, dreams again. I can't stop thinking about him."
Moira covered a yawn before coming over to Stevie. "You need to get out and do things with other men, Stevie. That's the only way you are going to let him go."
"I can't, Moira." Stevie smiled at her friend. "You know I can't."
Moira nodded. It was a conversation they had many times. It didn't mean anything anymore. They just did it to make each other feel good. All the girls at Drovers knew that Stevie would never be able to give herself to another man. Because Stevie knew she would never find another man as good as Alex.
The morning hours had flown by and Stevie leaned against the gate to the horse yards. Banjo and Tucker had both pulled up lame. Stevie stroked her horse's nose and Banjo sighed.
"I'm sorry, boy. But you're not in working order today." She slipped the horse a carrot. "Russ will be here soon and he'll let us know when you can go back to work."
"Hey, Stevie," Russ called as he climbed out of his vehicle.
Stevie waved and tried not to notice his build. She liked Russ but she found herself comparing him to Alex. He had tried to get her to go out with him numerous times but she just couldn't bring herself to do it.
"So both Banjo and Tucker are lame?" Russ carried his vet kit towards the horse pen.
Stevie nodded and opened the gate. "I think it happened yesterday when Jodi and I were chasing some brumbies through the wild life corridor."
Russ ran his hand down Banjo's leg. "It's swollen alright. I'll give him some anti-inflammatory. Ice it and keep him in the yards for a few days."
He moved on to Tucker. "How old is this boy?"
Stevie patted Tucker's withers. "Oh, he's coming on ten or eleven, I'd guess."
The vet gave Tucker a shot and Stevie led the horse back to his stall. With a shake of his head Tucker buried his head in a pile of hay.
"So, you busy tonight?"
Stevie closed her eyes and braced herself. Turning she flashed a smile at Russ, who leaned against the gate.
"Maybe."
"Come on, Stevie, Not this again." Russ kicked the dirt at his feet. "Why won't you let me take you out to dinner?"
Stevie shrugged, not willing to get into the real reason, not with him. She let herself out of the pen and walked towards another pen.
"Do you have time to look at a few sheep? They've developed some lumps in their wool."
She heard Russ sigh behind but he followed.
"Penicillin will set them to rights. Just keep them separate from any that you are going to sell."
"Russ, you're talking to someone who knows what she's doing," Stevie laughed. "Tell me something I don't know."
"You're going to dinner with me tonight." Russ flicked the needle and squirted out a bit of air.
"I don't think so," Stevie said walking away. "I've got Xander, Channing and Katie tonight. Grace and her sisters are off on some sister bonding thing and Jodi and Matt have a date."
"So get Moira to take the kids," Russ said, running to catch up.
Stevie shook her head. "She's spending the night with Phil. I promised her a night off weeks ago."
Russ grabbed her arm and spun her to face him. She jerked her arm out of his grasp and glared at him.
"Don't do that."
He backed away a step. "Come on, Stevie, now you're just making excuses. I'll get Olivia out here and she can watch the children. You know she loves kids."
Stevie knew she was fast loosing this argument. Gritting her teeth she did the one thing she promised herself she would never do.
"Alright, dinner. But that's it."
Russ grinned, his blue eyes lighting up. "That's all I want. I'll be here at six."
Stevie shook her head as she watched him walk away. She had just agreed to go out with Russ Connors and it didn't actually feel that bad. In fact she felt a spark of excitement. It had been a long time since she had had dinner for two. Russ wasn't Alex but it would be nice to have a night when she didn't have to worry about children and cows and people depending on her to keep them housed.
"Don't you look pleased," Moira commented. "What happened?"
Stevie grinned sheepishly. "I just agreed to go to dinner with Russ."
Moira laughed. "I'm glad." Then her face fell. "I'm guessing that means you need me to babysit tonight."
Stevie shook her head. "Olivia's coming out to watch the kids. I made every excuse I could think of but Russ had an answer to everyone."
Her friend laughed again and headed outside. Stevie leaned against the table and studied the ground. She wasn't sure if her agreeing to dinner was a good thing but she had done it and she wasn't going to back out. If she had learned one thing during her short time with Alex it was that time was too short for regrets. She would have dinner with Russ and see where it would lead. And it would just be dinner.
Stevie tossed another dress aside and propped her hands on her hips. "I have nothing to wear."
Rose rolled off the bed and rifled through her mother's closet. "You have plenty of dresses, Mom. Stop being so fussy."
Stevie shoved her daughter and scooped a green dress off the bed. "I guess this one will do."
"Where did you get that one?" Rose asked, fingering the light material.
Stevie slipped the dress over her head and wiggled out of her jeans. "I bought it after Alex died. I found it and just thought he would love it. Of course he will never see me in it."
Rose hugged her mother and lead he to the dresser. "I think it's lovely. Come on, let's get some jewellery on you."
Stevie rifled through the necklaces she had collected over the years. Her fingers ran over the smooth, round spheres of one necklace she had never worn. Pulling out the strand of pearls she held them up.
Rose gasped and touched the clasp. "Is that a ruby?"
Stevie nodded. "I think so. Alex never said for sure."
"Alex gave you these?" Rose took the pearls from Stevie and clasped them around her mother's neck. "They're beautiful. Why haven't you worn them before?"
Stevie touched the necklace and thought of the other women who had worn the necklace and sighed. None of them had been happy in their marriages. Not that she blamed that entirely on the women. The pearls seemed to represent their pain and while she had been married to Alex she didn't want a reminder of that pain.
"I couldn't wear them, not while Alex was alive. But I think it is time to take these out and wear them. After all I am Stevie Hall-Ryan."
Rose laughed and hugged her. "Yes, you are."
"And what are you doing, young lady?" Stevie leaned down and looked into the mirror to brush some make up onto her face.
Rose grinned and shook her head. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about me. Go have fun with Russ."
Stevie looked at her daughter and shook her head. Rose was a grown woman now and it showed in her daughter's face. "Alright. If you say so. But be careful."
Rose kissed Stevie's cheek and danced out of the room. "I will."
Russ opened Stevie's door and offered her his hand. Stevie smiled at him and took his hand in hers. He didn't let go as they walked towards the restaurant. Instead he tucked her hand up against his side. Stevie concentrated on keeping herself upright in the heels Rose had insisted she wear.
"You look beautiful, Stevie," Russ said as he escorted her inside.
"Thanks, Russ," Stevie said. "It's been awhile since I dressed up. Rose had to help me."
"Then your daughter has excellent taste."
Stevie laughed. "She is my daughter."
"That she is," Russ said. "Come on. I've booked a private table."
Stevie raised her eyebrows as they followed the waiter to a corner of the room. While Russ helped Stevie to her seat, the waiter pulled curtains closed around the table.
"This is nice," Stevie said, lightly touching the silverware.
"It'd better be for the price." Russ nodded to the waiter who hurried over with a bottle of red wine. "I hope you like red."
Stevie nodded and held out her glass.
"What would you like to eat?" Russ flipped through the menu.
Stevie opened hers and scanned the items. There was so much to pick from. At home they ate whatever Moira or Meg cooked and at the truck stop and the pub there where usually only about five things to pick from.
"I haven't had good seafood since... well, never mind since when," Stevie said, laughing a little. "I think I'd like some shrimp and clam chowder."
She closed her menu and looked expectantly at Russ. Russ shrugged and closed his menu.
"I think I'll just have the same as you. What about some garlic bread to start things off?"
Stevie nodded and took a sip of her wine. The waiter took their order and backed out of the area.
"So, how was your day?" Russ twirled the wine in his glass.
Stevie leaned back in her seat and studied her dinner companion. He looked just as uncomfortable as she felt. But at least he was talking to her. She took another sip of wine as she contemplated her answer.
"Aside from worrying about my date tonight, my day was just like yesterday and the day before and the day before and like it will be tomorrow. Busy, with more work than there are hours."
Russ reached over and squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Stevie grinned. "Lose our vet bills?"
He laughed. "I don't think that will help you with the work. What I meant is there any work I can do?"
"Not really. It's just all the day to day stuff and maintenance." Stevie leaned back as the waiter brought in their meal. "With Grace still out of the saddle and Moira taking her spot some things just never get done. And Jaz is not in riding condition anymore either so Meg's been taking her place."
Russ raised his eyebrows. "Why don't you just hire some men to run the place?"
Stevie shrugged. "Because it's not how we do things on Drovers. Ben, Matt and Terry help when they can."
"Well, this food looks good. Let's eat."
Stevie smiled softly and dipped her spoon into the chowder.
Russ parked the jeep in front of the house and shut off the engine. Stevie unbuckled her seat belt and twisted in her seat.
"Thank you, Russ. It was a wonderful evening," she said, reaching over and touching his face. "It was nice having a night out."
Russ smiled. "But it's not going to happen again is it?"
Stevie shrugged and stared out of the window towards the light of the house. "I don't know. If anything, it will just be dinner. But right now that's as far as I want to go."
"Stevie, he's been gone for almost three years. Isn't it time to move on?"
"How can I move on when he was the best man I ever knew?" Stevie murmured. "It won't be fair to you or any other man."
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Come on, let's go see how Olivia faired."
Russ sighed and opened his door. He waited at the front of the Ute and walked her up to the house.