"So-so-so-Souda! Ibuki was thinking about - wow, you sure are jumpy today!"

"Well, you're so damn loud! You're gonna... disturb the chocolate."

"Is Kazoo thinking of soufflés? Because Ibuki can scream at chocolate all day and all it'll do is start dancing!"

"I don't want to think about soufflés. Ever."

Mioda nodded sagely. She heard of Hanamura and his "cooking class" a few months ago from Saionji, who could barely tell the story through her snickers. "Well, anyway! The band! Ibuki thought of some more names and is passing the list around, so please-" she thrust a pink gel pen into Souda's mitted hand and slammed a piece of paper next to the stove "-circle your favorite."

Souda huffed. "Ibuki, White Day is tomorrow. M'too worked up to think about the band."

"Don't worry, Ibuki is sure that your chocolate will be awful!" She winked. "That whole batch better be for her, because she'll eat it anyway."

"Yours is already in the fr-" Souda cleared his throat. "Never mind." He circled the second name on the list after barely a glance at the paper. "There. Happy?"

Mioda pouted. "You didn't even read 'em! Ibuki put so much thought into these... fine, she'll come back when Kazoo isn't thinking naughty thoughts about girls. Toodles!"

"Hey!" Souda yelled at the slamming door. He sighed and frowned at the brown sludge left over in his mixing bowl before heading to the sink. Someone would be out for blood if he didn't clean up after himself, and there was quite a lot to clean. Souda tried to convince himself that it was the gesture of giving that counted, anyway, not the actual gift, before remembering just what sort of gifts Sonia would be accustomed to.

"Can't cook for shit," he mumbled, wrenching off the oven mitt and tearing away at the bowl with a sponge. He tensed as he heard the door open.

"Ooh, do I hear some naughty language in here?"

Souda never wanted to hear the word "naughty" again, especially coming from Hanamura. He kept his head down and eyes on the sink, though he couldn't stop his teeth from clenching.

"Fine, fine, if you don't want help, I'll just be making my superior confections here. Don't mind me."

Like he needed Hanamura's help for anything. He'd rather shove rusty screws into every opening of his own body.

"Why can't you cook in your own kitchen?" Souda asked. He tossed the bowl onto the drying rack, scurried to the stove with a sponge, and started on the mess there, all while avoiding eye contact with the small chef.

"This is the students' kitchen, dear Souda. The chefs' kitchen is busy as always, so I came here. I won't be long." Hanamura started whistling at a pitch that would make dogs howl, and the door slamming open a second time added to the cacophony. Souda scrubbed at the stove with increasing panic as he heard Nidai's voice rattle the pots on the wall.

"Hello, Hanamura and Souda!" Nidai strolled into the kitchen, Hinata and Tanaka following close behind. "I hope it won't be too cramped in here with three more."

"Don't worry, I was about to leave," Souda muttered, shoving his last batch of chocolate into the freezer and tossing the sponge back into the sink.

"Wait, Souda! I sense an opportunity for a great male bonding experience," Nidai laughed, clapping Souda on the shoulder as the other boy headed for the door.

Souda never ceased to be amazed at Nidai's ability to phrase things in the most uncomfortable way. He shrugged his shoulder to dislodge the hand and said, "Um, sure, I guess, but I'm already done with everything I needed to do here, so..."

"So you can help us!"

Souda looked to Hinata for help, who rolled his eyes and said, "I don't know about you two, but I don't really need help. It's not that hard to make chocolate."

Tanaka laughed and added, "As though the great Gundam Tanaka would need assistance from the sniveling one in something so simple as preparing a traditional offering to the goddesses!" He strolled into the kitchen, making sure his scarf was out of the way before he started collecting ingredients.

Hinata snorted. "Yeah, well, there you go. C'mon, Nidai."

Nidai nodded and said, "Then I will see you tomorrow before the sun rises, Souda!"

"What?" Souda whined. "But it's a holiday! Don't we get those off?"

"I suppose you can take your rest day early, if you wish, but remember that a true athlete never lets outside factors affect his training."

Souda nodded back and stumbled from the kitchen, grateful to be out of that mess. It wasn't like he aspired to be a true athlete, anyway.

...

Souda woke up early the next morning to get his chocolates from the freezer and cover any imperfections with sprinkles. Lots of sprinkles and lots of melted, store-bought chocolate. If he made the coating thick enough, maybe no one would notice the inside.

Besides, Mioda loved sprinkles, so she wouldn't care.

Arriving at the door to the students' kitchen, Souda opened the door as quietly as possible and stuck his head in. He couldn't see or hear anyone, so, with relief, he stepped inside and headed to the freezer. After tasting one of the more deformed chocolates, Souda discovered that they were actually palatable, but he still opened near every cabinet in the kitchen looking for toppings. He found a jar of sprinkles along with a bag of white chocolate and went to work.

By the time he arrived to class, Souda had several hastily labelled bags in his arms, and, behind his mountain of gift wrapping, he saw a few others distributing presents. He set the bags on his usual desk and took a proper look around the room.

The imposter never discussed their gender and seemed able to dress up as any sex, so they had conveniently presented themselves as a boy for Valentine's Day and as a girl for White Day. Mioda poked fun at her beau before handing her a box and receiving a neatly wrapped package in return, and Souda took the cue to hand each classmate a bag.

"Thank you, Kazoo!" Mioda chuckled to herself as she opened the package and said, "Woah, you know just what Ibuki likes! You could have just given her a bag of sprinkles and she'd be happy." She popped one of the chocolates in her mouth and hummed in satisfaction.

The swindler smiled. "Yes, thank you, Souda."

"No problem, guys!" Souda flashed a grin and turned back to his desk to get a bag for Tsumiki. He approached the nurse, who had been looking wistfully over at Mioda and the swindler before she turned with a squeak. She began stammering as she noticed the proffered bag and the slight smile on Souda's face.

"I-I shouldn't accept anything so nice, but I'm... I'm honored you went through the trouble, and you would be insulted if I didn't accept, right?" she stuttered.

Souda almost said that he probably would have just eaten the chocolates himself, but what small amount of common decency he had stopped him. "Well, I wouldn't really be insulted, but I'm returning the favor from last month. Pretty girls should get candy from someone on a day like today, right?"

"Gee, thanks, Kazoo!" Mioda called out. She and the swindler snickered as Souda held back a cry of surprise. "Ibuki knows how gorgeous she is!"

"Yeah, no problem," he muttered, rolling his eyes. Tsumiki giggled. "Hey, you... gonna take these or what?"

"O-oh, I'm sorry!" Tsumiki took the bag from Souda's hand and scarfed down two chocolates, looking to Souda for his approval. "They're very good! Thank you so much."

"Yeah, no problem," Souda said. "Glad you like 'em."

Mioda walked over and pulled Souda away by the arm, waving at Tsumiki as they retreated.

"What are you doing?" Souda demanded, wrenching his arm back to his side once Mioda led him across the room.

"Teaching you how to talk to girls!" Mioda replied. "'Hey, uh, you gonna take these or what?'" she mimicked. "Not very charming, Zuzu!"

"Hey, I'm not tryin' to flirt with her!" He stole a glance over his shoulder. "I mean, yeah, she's cute an' pretty and all that, but my loyalty lies with Sonia." He put his hands on his hips and puffed out his chest. "I'm a monogamous man, Mioda."

Mioda imitated his pose. "Well, you might have a better shot if you set your sights elsewhere, if you get Ibuki's drift." She winked.

"Yeah, whatever," Souda mumbled, heading back to his desk as Sonia, Tanaka, Nidai, and Owari entered. The mechanic turned to see a huge stuffed orca walking into the room on a pair of red heels. He held back a scream as Sonia's head popped out from behind the black mass in her arms.

"Good morning, everyone!" she said, not at all bothered by the attention. Tanaka, slinking in behind her and trying to hide his height behind the toy, was the opposite.

Sonia's greeting was drowned out by Mioda's exclamations as she skipped up to pet the orca. "Ooh, it's so soft!" she crooned. "Tanana is so generous!"

Tanaka flinched at the nickname and at the stares of his classmates. He adjusted his scarf and said, "Well, such an expense hardly affects someone with infinite resources, of course." To direct everyone's attention elsewhere, he began handing gifts out to others alongside Nidai, and Souda took the opportunity to approach Sonia.

"Hey, mornin', Miss Sonia!" He held out the last bag and offered another grin. "These are for you. They ain't exactly... that," he said, gesturing to the whale, "but I hope they came out okay."

Sonia smiled back, shifting the toy to one arm to accept the bag. "Thank you so much, Mister Souda. I am sure they are wonderful." She laughed. "I should really set this all down somewhere before I fall over, yes?"

"Oh, yeah, that thing's a little... floppy-lookin'," Souda said, looking at the whale again. "Need help?"

"That would be much appreciated, yes." Sonia held out the bag, and Souda went to set it on her desk. She placed the whale in her seat as she prepared to go greet everyone. "Isn't he cute? He is ready to learn!" She giggled. "Perhaps I should name him... Spreitzer."

Souda blinked. "Uh. That a Novoselic name or somethin'?"

"German, I believe. He was a leader of the Chicago Rippers, an American cult responsible for eighteen disappearances a few decades ago. He was sentenced to death but saved shortly before his execution; there was a ban on the death penalty in his state. Imagine his relief!" Sonia paused. "Although I suppose life in prison is hardly an attractive alternative."

"Why not name'im somethin' cute, like... Speckles?"

Sonia laughed again. "Well, Spreitzer is a bit more fun to say, I think, but you may call him Speckles if you wish." She opened Souda's bag and read the note inside. Souda watched her face carefully for any change of expression, but Sonia's face remained still as she turned her head up to him.

"Mister Souda, this is very sweet, but you must realize that I am seeing Mister Tanaka, correct?"

"I... well, yeah, but I was just, uh, sayin' how I felt, I guess." Souda bit at the inside of his cheek. "Is that okay?"

Sonia let out a soft breath through her nose and said, "I appreciate the sentiment, but I cannot approve of this letter or of your more troubling behavior for the past few months. You are a very kind and interesting person, but your advances are unfortunately unwelcome at this time." She set the letter back into its bag and placed it on her desk. "I apologize for any inconvenience, but I am still grateful for your gift and hope that our relations will not become strained."

As she walked to the other side of the room, Souda felt as though he had been simultaneously scolded by his mother and rejected by an automated message. He ran his tongue over the puncture wounds in his mouth and returned to his seat.

...

After thinking the matter over during class, Souda almost decided to move on; the past few months of crushing on Sonia hadn't really gotten him anywhere, and there were other cute girls in the world. Hell, there were tons of them, even if very few were princesses. Wooing Sonia had become too exhausting, in any case, and wasn't producing any good results.

He'd never actually seen Tanaka performing any rituals or doing any chants in their room, anyway. He might have just hung all the occult stuff up for show.

This was all before Souda remembered one very important detail and caught Hinata on his way out of class. "Hey, Hinata, buddy!" Souda started. "Are you busy later?"

Hinata shook his head. "Not today. I have a date with Nanami over the weekend, though." He paused, and a look of apprehension crossed his face before he said, "Why?"

"So that microphone I was talkin' about last month is still in Tanaka's scarf, and -"

"You left that in there?" Hinata hissed, pulling Souda aside. "I didn't even think you were really desperate enough to install it in the first place. Souda, take that out. That is a complete invasion of privacy."

"But we can have some fun with it, right?"

"No, Souda. Take it out."

"Just one night! Just to listen in on their date, and then I'll take it out."

Hinata ran a hand over his face. "What do you even want to listen in for? I thought you were trying to break them up, not make a daytime drama out of their love life." His eyes narrowed. "Not that you should do that first thing, either."

"I need to know how he does it: the kinds of things he says, his tone of voice, anything that we could use as proof that he's using some voodoo dark magic shit." Souda widened his eyes in a way that was supposed to be pleading. Hinata thought he looked like a fish. "I'll only take it out if I have you as a witness to what he says."

"You still honestly believe that he's cursing her?"

"Well, what else could it be?"

Hinata knew very well what else it could be, and he suspected Souda did, too. Souda probably just didn't want to believe that he wasn't as attractive to Sonia as Tanaka was.

The first order of business was putting an end to the stalker-like tendencies, though, so Hinata sighed and nodded his assent. "Fine, one night only. Then you're going to take it out of the scarf and give me the recording device."

"Which one?"

"Which one?" Hinata exploded. "Why is there more than one?"

"Well, he didn't take his normal scarf along on his date a month ago, so I had to go through all of 'em and install more."

Hinata leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, forehead resting on his knees. "Okay," he said. "Okay." He took a deep breath. "You will take them all out after tonight, and then I will smash all of them right in front of you."

"That's not fair!" Souda protested. "What if I need 'em for something else?"

"You won't, because you're going to stop doing stuff like this. It's really creepy and probably illegal."

"Well, I expect monetary compensation for all the shit I paid for to build those," Souda said, crossing his arms.

Hinata looked up. "Trust me, I will pay you any amount if it stops Sonia or Tanaka from getting a restraining order."

"Okay, sweet! I'll call you after Tanaka leaves tonight, and we can listen in my room."

Hinata didn't bother asking how Souda knew about the date. He didn't want to know anymore.

...

"Okay, ready?"

"You know, if someone told me at the start of the school year that I would be spending my time at the most prestigious school in the nation spying on a princess and her boyfriend, I would laugh in their face, but it-"

"Shh, I'm turnin' it on now!"

"You're not even listening to me."

"It's really muffled..."

"Maybe because there's, I dunno, a bunch of fabric-"

"Wait, I hear someone!"

"Are you-"

...

"-enjoying yourself, Miss Sonia?" Tanaka asked, willing his fingers not to tremble as they interlaced with his date's.

"Of course!" Sonia responded. "I have never been to a zoo before. It's amazing to see animals from all over the world in one place, though it is a bit sad that they don't have as much room to live as they would in the wild."

Tanaka nodded as the pair passed by a caged lion. "Yes, I used to think similarly in my younger, less learned form." He flushed. "Not to insinuate that you are uneducated, of course. I apologize."

Sonia giggled. "No, I am not offended. Go on."

Tanaka cleared his throat. "It is a shame that these creatures must be put on display for the amusement of inferior mortals, but they live longer here than they would in their natural surroundings and are given comfortable lives. This is particularly advantageous to endangered species, which can be bred here until the population reaches its previous state of glory, but I do agree that living in an enclosed space for all of one's life is... sad. It is ideal to breed animals in their natural settings, but this is not always possible with the destruction humanity has wrought on so many habitats." He sighed. "I have mixed emotions about the matter, I suppose. In any case, it is not nearly as heinous as the domestication of livestock for slaughter."

...

"Damn, he's boring. Are you hearin' this shit?"

"Hey, I like the zoo! Maybe I should go there with Nanami sometime..."

"Fine, yeah, don't invite me. Whatever."

"You can come, too, Souda. You like sharks, right? Maybe there's an aquarium somewhere around here."

"Um..."

"Ooh, I have an idea! Maybe we could-"

...

"-sneak in at night and go into some of the habitats! Wouldn't that be exciting?"

Tanaka's hand twitched in Sonia's. "Miss Sonia, with all due respect, I believe that could be bit a dangerous for you," he said, looking to a couple of bears tearing chunks off their dinner. "I can put the necessary protection spells in place, of course, but I cannot guarantee which creatures here may be supernatural beings in disguise. I do not sense any particularly powerful forces, but the most powerful can disguise their true nature."

"Couldn't we just go in with the birds, then? Or the elephants? Oh, I have always wanted to ride an elephant!" Sonia's head whipped from side to side, as though an elephant might appear to grant her wish.

"I... hm." Tanaka closed his eyes to think for a moment. "If that is what my lady desires, I could simply take you to the natural habitat of the elephant. African or Asian?"

"African elephants have such magnificent ears!" Sonia hummed as she walked along before she stopped to say, "Oh, but what will we do about security cameras?"

Tanaka snorted. "The feeble human attempt at mimicking omniscience can do nothing in the face of the Dark Queen and King!"

"Yes, of course!" Sonia laughed. "Well, perhaps we can admire the elephants from afar for now, at least." She tried to lower the pitch of her voice. "Then, once night falls... we will strike!"

Families passing by gave the couple a wide berth as they cackled past the exhibits.

...

"Dude, dude, he's makin' her do illegal shit! We gotta stop'em!"

"Sonia was the one who suggested it in the first place, and I doubt that they're really going to break into a zoo at night. They have more common sense than that."

"..."

"..."

"No, you're givin' Tanaka too much credit. This seems like the kinda thing he'd do."

"Have you actually ever had one conversation with him? Do you even know what kind of person he really is?"

"Yeah, we talked enough for me to know what a pretentious stick up the ass he is!"

"Do you mean stick in the mud?"

"No, stick up the ass sounds about right."

"Look, can we just turn this off? Nothing's happening, and I want to take a nap."

"But they're gonna break in, remember? Illegal shit?"

"No, they're not. Let it go, Souda. And take the microphone out. I expect all this spying equipment in my possession by the end of the week."

"Fine, fine. Go take your damn nap. And don't forget to pay me back!"

...

Sonia and Tanaka stayed at the zoo until closing time and then walked a few short blocks to the oceanfront. Sonia stifled a yawn as the couple settled onto a bench.

"I believe I may be just a bit too tired to see those elephants tonight, Mister Tanaka," she said, resting her head on Tanaka's shoulder. "Perhaps another time."

Tanaka tried not to breathe a sigh of relief. "Yes, another time," he repeated. "Truly, that establishment may never be ready for our combined wrath."

Sonia giggled. "That is true. Perhaps we could own a nature reservation one day, and then we could ride the elephants for as long as we pleased." She sighed, a lazy smile spreading across her lips. "You could keep as many rare animals as you wanted, and I would invite people from all over the world to come visit."

"I would like that," Tanaka murmured. Sonia noticed a softer tone in his voice and looked up to see one of his rare smiles, the unrestrained sort that he never showed around too many people. Tanaka glanced over and tried not to instinctively pull away at the closeness of his face to hers. He swallowed, looking back to the water, and the couple fell into silence as Tanaka failed to calm himself with the waves' steady motions.

Sonia tucked her legs beneath her on the bench and linked her arm around Tanaka's. "What was the most crazy, childish dream you ever had, Mister Tanaka?"

"Childish dream," he muttered. "I would hesitate to admit my weakness in my younger form, but I would also loathe to be dishonest with you." He sighed. "The most unrealistic aspiration to ever grace my young mind was that my mother and I could run away somewhere together, free from devilish influences."

"Oh," Sonia said, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to remind you of any painful memories."

Sensing the dampened mood, Tanaka added, "It was also a wish of mine to go to space one day. I was always quite taken with the noble silence and beauty of the cosmos."

Sonia nodded, burrowing her head farther into Tanaka's shoulder. "I have been meaning to study constellations, but other subjects always capture my interest first. We should look into it together soon." She thought for a moment. "Well, I believe my most childish dream was to become part of Novoselic's detective force, or even an international detective. My duties as heir to the throne occupy too much time for that to become a reality, but it was nice to imagine myself learning about criminals firsthand. I could have interviewed famous serial killers!"

Tanaka chuckled. "Our aspirations varied greatly from those of other human children, then."

"Well, many children do want to be astronauts when they grow up," Sonia joked, poking Tanaka in the arm.

"No, I never wished to go to space for the benefit of humans," Tanaka said, smiling into Sonia's touch. "The solitude and chaos hidden in tranquility were what attracted my attentions to the heavens, but I have since realized that I am needed on the terrestrial plane for a while longer."

"You certainly are," Sonia said, moving slightly closer.

Tanaka flushed and took a moment to breathe in, lungs aching with a question he had never had the courage to ask. It had been long enough, he thought. "Miss Sonia, I..." His hand clenched into a shaky fist. "I was wondering if..." His tone changed as he said, "As humans undergo the proper courtship rituals, they seem to find joy in the inane act of sealing their affection with a bond of saliva and various bacteria, do they not?"

Sonia's smile widened. "Why, yes! It is a bit of a bizarre ritual, when you stop to think about it, but it is also quite lovely, in my experience."

Tanaka nodded, exhaled. "Miss Sonia," he repeated, "may we consolidate such a pact?"

Sonia turned to the side, closing one hand over Tanaka's. "Of course," she said, her most reassuring smile present.

Tanaka shifted to look at the princess. He tried to keep his free hand from shaking as he reached for her shoulder. Her eyelids lowered, and he closed his eyes as he moved in closer.

Since Tanaka couldn't see where he was going, his first attempt landed somewhere on Sonia's cheek, and his eyes snapped open. After taking a moment to regain his pride, he shifted back and leaned in again, only closing his eyes just as his true first kiss began.

For Sonia, he certainly wasn't the best kisser in terms of technique; his lips somehow ended up inside her mouth and brushed against her teeth before Tanaka corrected himself, but the significance of the action and the emotion behind it were enough to leave Sonia smiling against his mouth.

For Tanaka, despite his embarrassment, it was the best moment of his life.

...

Alone in his room, Souda's lip trembled as he shut the recorder off.