General disclaimer: I own nothing, even Maiyn generally decides her own path.
-----------------------
Self Acceptance
-----------------------
The sound of Anomen's mace falling to the ground was an ear-splitting end to the silence that had lingered. In truth, the quiet had only lasted a matter of seconds; but to Imoen, standing in the centre of the room as the new figure of attention, it had stretched for almost a lifetime. She was as oblivious as he was to the others, barely noticing the girl, who had seen her chance and shrank away into a corner. But still, Imoen stared at Anomen, and his eyes remained fixed upon her in return. And finally she found her legs carrying her slowly towards him.
"Anomen," she said softly. "There's no need for this."
His look changed. She only realised how tender his gaze had been when she saw the anger flaring in his eyes. His hand, after relaxing enough to drop his weapon, clenched into a tight fist. His voice quivered as he spoke.
"No need? This cur murders my sister, and there is no need for this?"
"No," she shook her head. "You're angry-"
He laughed mirthlessly. "I'm angry," he repeated. "Yes... yes, I believe you could say that."
She stopped her advance and looked at him sadly. "Why are you even here?"
He opened his mouth to reply, but then seemed to reconsider. There was a pause; a pause where there seemed to be no one in the room except the two young companions. But then the moment was ruined, before the knight was given a chance to reply.
"Because he's like his father!"
Imoen spun round to find the owner of the voice. It was, as she'd expected, coming from the older man -- the one she could only imagine was Saerk.
"What are you all standing there for? Get this mewling ass out of my house! He is no better than the drunkard who fathered him!"
"Speak not of my father!" roared Anomen, his hostility returning tenfold. Another scream from Saerk's daughter caused Imoen to jump back to face him as he continued. "I am no miserable drunk, fool. Nor am I an innocent girl. By all that is holy you shall pay for what you have done with your life!"
"Anomen!" Ajantis signalled for his men to move forward, and they quickly flanked the knight, restraining him before he could advance any further upon the merchant. Though he offered no real resistance to them, Imoen could tell by his tense stance that he was dangerously angry. Any real moves to forcefully remove him from the room could prove to work out badly.
"Sir Anomen." Ajantis had managed to lower his voice, and was looking directly at his fellow knight. "This is not-"
"Anomen," Imoen interrupted, moving closer again and reaching out to take his weapon-less hand. "I understand how you feel. I know what it's like to have someone you love murdered. I know the feeling of guilt that lingers over you when you think that they'll get away with it -- that they can take someone's life and it seems as if no one else cares! But... this, this isn't right. Not for you."
Their eyes met. "You were part of the group who tried to avenge your foster father," he said hollowly. "You would have killed him with your own hands, given the chance."
Imoen swallowed. "Yes, I would," she admitted carefully, ignoring the murmurings around her. "But you know there was more to it. He was a very evil and dangerous man who was threatening a lot of innocent people -- it had gone beyond avenging Gorion. And while you grieve and mourn for Moira and your father, killing an unarmed merchant's daughter... it's just not right."
Anomen sighed heavily and let his gaze fall to the floor. "No... you are right." Imoen relaxed slightly -- but then he looked back up, directing a gaze of hatred towards Saerk. "But perhaps it is right for me to kill the man who was responsible for their deaths."
"You do not know this, Sir Anomen," came Ajantis' voice.
"Sir Anomen?" Saerk laughed. "This man is no knight! No knight would act like this!"
"Shut up!" Imoen shouted at him, just as Anomen reached into his tunic pocket and pulled out a small roll of parchment. Wordlessly he allowed the nearest paladin to take it, and Ajantis strode forward to accept it. Imoen squeezed his hand before letting go, moving closer and looking over the paladin's arm as he read it.
Sir Anomen Delryn,
It is my regret to inform you that your father, Lord Cor, was killed in an attempt to take vengeance of the merchant, Saerk, on his own. Your father was reacting to recent evidence uncovered proving that Saerk Farrahd was, indeed, responsible for the hiring of the men that killed your sister, Moira.
As a member of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart, I trust that you will not take vengeance into your own hands. The law will deal with Saerk Farrahd. I grieve for the loss of your family, and will do everything in my power to see that justice is done. I hope this letter finds you before rumour does.
Sincerely,
Magistrate Bylanna Ianulin.
Imoen gasped. Ajantis was frowning, his eyes still darting over the letter as he re-read it, and Anomen stood, perfectly still, glaring at Saerk. As Imoen looked over to the merchant she noticed his sneer; and suddenly she, herself, felt angry. Sarevok had displayed that show of smugness... that superiority whenever they threatened to take vengeance for Gorion! These people knew nothing could touch them, because their power and influence would protect them, one way or another! She could pull the lint from her pouch and have murmured the words before anyone noticed-
No! She shook the thoughts from her head, horrified by them -- that wasn't like her at all. And then the fear set in... Was this what it meant to be a Bhaalspawn, when you realised what you were? Would your subconscious look for bloodshed at any opportunity only to quench the taint residing within you?
She shuddered... now was not the time to think about it. After making sure she'd regained her calmness, she looked up to Anomen and spoke. "Saerk will face the justice of the city now there is evidence to prove his involvement. You don't need to do this -- to throw away everything you've achieved over someone who doesn't even deserve your acknowledgement, let alone your downfall."
"What is the point of everything I've achieved, when I have lost everyone who loved me because of him!"
"Not quite everyone." Her voice trembled slightly as she said it, but she reached out to take his hand again, shooing the other paladins away from him. "You have the Order. You have your... our companions. And... and you have me."
Anomen looked back to her. His fury seemed to subside and he nodded weakly, making no resistance as she wrapped an arm around him, gently guiding him towards the door. Wordlessly the other knights followed one by one, making their way past the merchant as he glowered at them. Just as Imoen and Anomen drew level with him, he smirked and leant forward.
"I knew you did not have the guts to do this; your father died far better."
She'd slapped him before she knew it. Where the strength came from... well, she suspected she knew, but she preferred not to think about it. And as Saerk stumbled backwards, only being saved from the ground by his sons, she drew herself up to her fullest height and gave him as dark a look as she could manage; but before she could speak, someone had gently pulled her back.
"I hope you derived some measure of satisfaction from my father's death," said Anomen quietly, his dark eyes serious as he looked at the merchant with what Imoen believed to be pity. "For I shall see to it personally that the law has its full measure with you, merchant. In the pursuit of coin, you not only ruined my father... but you killed an innocent girl." The knight paused and looked over to Saerk's daughter, now standing beside one of the large curtained windows and fearfully watching the situation with her hands at her mouth. "I hope you will be able to look your daughter in the eye when you are in prison..." the knight continued, his gaze swiftly falling back to the aging man. "And I hope you will think on what you have done ere you go to the gods for judgement."
Saerk snorted at his words, but his arrogance had gone. Imoen smiled slightly. "Go an' count your precious coins until the garrison comes for you," she whispered, allowing Anomen to lead them from the room, and from the estate itself. Silently the other knights collected the horses from the courtyard, and then Ajantis sighed heavily.
"Sir Anomen, I require a word with you... alone. Will you meet me at the Order, in my quarters?"
The priest nodded. "I... I will be there within the hour," he said quietly. "But first... first there is someone else who deserves an explanation."
Ajantis nodded and mounted his horse. "You will be walking, my lady?"
Imoen nodded up to him, then waved as the three men rode off, leading her own horse with them. Quietly, she walked with Anomen, hand in hand, as they exited the gate and began the slow trek back to the Temple District.
-----------------------
"I have known there is blackness in my heart for some time," Anomen said finally. "My father had displayed his temper on several occasions since he began to drink heavily, and my whole life I have felt myself fighting it. I did not want to become like him."
They had left the Bridge District behind, Imoen allowing herself a small amount of awe as they set foot on the actual bridge that spanned the Alandor River. Though she'd already crossed it once that day, it had been in a frightful rush and her mind had been in a thousand different places at once. And now... now she could, really, stop and appreciate the view, even if it lacked the scenery that the bridge at Baldur's Gate had.
Well, she could if she didn't have much more important things to do. She let go of Anomen's hand, noting his brief look of dismay at her actions, before he smiled again, feeling her arm curling around his own. "You're not like him, from what I can see," she said thoughtfully. "I mean, I never met him, but from what you've said..."
"I am my father's son," he sighed ruefully.
"And I'm my father's daughter," she shrugged. "Doesn't mean that I have to be like him, no matter how much his actions or blood tries to influence me. We're our own people -- and you've shown it already, by joining the Order and passing their test."
"I almost threw it all away. Nay... I may already have, due to my foolish actions."
"I don't think so."
"Sir Ajantis is... displeased with me. As, of course, he should be."
"Ajantis is worried about you. I know that once I thought all paladins were old busybodies and stuffy-headed," she said with a small amount of amusement, "but then I sometimes forget about Sir Eion and Sir Walton, who had some very interesting pieces of poetry in their bags." She paused to snigger, then changed it to a cough as she caught a glimpse of his slightly chiding look. "What I mean, is that he just wants you to know that people are here to support you through this, and that you can rely on them. If... if you want to, that is."
He smiled warmly. "Of course I do." Then a large sigh that could have rivalled any coming from Kivan or Xan and paused, stopping to lean on the wall that came between them and the sluggishly flowing river. "I just..."
"Well, there's no point in worryin', is there?" Imoen asked with a shrug. He continued to stare down at the river, his brow furrowed and wrinkled in thought. "Ajantis is a nice enough guy, and I really do think he's just worried about you and wants to check you're okay."
"Aye, you're probably right," the knight sighed. Slowly he stood up from the parapet and took a deep breath. Then, he turned to face her, offering another sincere and warm smile. He held out his arm, and she gladly wrapped her own around it, joining him as he continued their leisurely pace back towards the temples.
"And anyway," she said, determined to keep his mind off his impending meeting at all costs, "we've got other stuff we need to be worryin' about!"
He nodded solemnly. "Yes… yes. Indeed, I wonder how the others are faring."
"I wonder if Xan'll have given up trying to persuade Jaheira that we're doomed…" mused Imoen.
The knight chuckled. "I am unsure as to which is the more stubborn regarding their respectively held opinions, though I do believe that Lady Jaheira has the ability to be… intimidating enough to dissuade the enchanter from arguing back."
"That's one way of putting it!" Imoen agreed. "And anyway, I think they'll be just fine. I'm more worried about Maiyn…"
"That's understandable," Anomen said quietly. "Especially now that we know she… Ah."
Imoen raised an eyebrow. "We know what?"
He cleared his throat nervously. "Ah, now that we have seen how the taint has manifested itself so strongly in her."
The young thief wrinkled her eyes and squinted up at him. He was carefully avoiding her gaze and so she detached her arm and stopped where she was. He strode on a few paces, then slowly turned around to look at her. His smile was weak and his eyes looked concerned.
"You're not very good at lying," she stated, "which I guess is good, considerin' you're a knight and all."
"I really don't know-"
"And what makes it worse for you, is that you're trying to lie to me! Imoen! Thief extraordinaire!" She inched her way towards him, her head cocked to one side as she demonstrated her best knowing look. "I know you're hiding something, and since it's about my sister, I think you'd better tell me!"
By now, he'd flushed a fairly bright shade of red. Imoen thought it must be a cross between embarrassment at the scene she was causing – quite a few people were regarding them curiously as they passed – and fluster at his obvious unwillingness to answer her question. She crossed her arms and started tapping her foot. He swiftly moved closer to her, trying to gently usher her along, but she was perfectly able to be stubborn, and she made it as difficult for him as she could. In the end, he threw up his hands in defeat and strode off, leaving her behind. She watched as he got closer and closer to the end of the bridge, and then, realising he wasn't going to stop and wait for her, she dashed after him.
"Hey!" she shouted indignantly, catching up with him eventually and managing to manoeuvre herself so she was standing in front of him. He tried to move past, but she anticipated him each time and managed to block his way. Finally, he sighed with exasperation.
"My dear Lady Imoen," he said through clenched teeth. "This is a very unbecoming way to conduct oneself in the open streets!"
"Don't you try and change the subject!" she said, frowning slightly at him. "What is it that you meant?"
He looked at her, aghast. "I thought you were aware that my honour dictates that-"
"But this involves my sister!" she interrupted. "You have to tell me!"
"Imoen..."
They stood and stared at each other for several moments; she, with pleading eyes, and he, with an agonised expression that betrayed his mixed feelings on the matter. She knew that with enough pressure she could potentially make him relent and tell her what was truly concerning him, but the amount of guilt it would no doubt cause him was plainly obvious for her to see. And so, Imoen did the hardest thing she'd done for a long time.
She took a step back, and said: "It's okay. I... I understand, I guess. Just, please -- tell me she's going to be okay? It's nothing... nothing..."
He shook his head and allowed his arms to go around her, drawing her into a tight embrace. "It is nothing bad," he whispered into her hair. "Nothing bad, at all."
-----------------------
Imoen agreed to wait in the main hall for him when they arrived back at the Order's Headquarters, and immediately made plans to arrange for some extra rations to take with them so they could ride for as long as their horses would fare. It was with a fairly heavy heart that Anomen climbed the stairs that led up to Ajantis' study, his hand fumbling with his belt. His mace was missing -- he'd dropped it, shock overwhelming him when Imoen's voice dragged him from the depths of despair where he'd allowed his anger to consume him. He sighed heavily, approached the large oaken door, and knocked once. A voice answered almost immediately, calling him inside, and he obeyed, making his way into the sun-filled room.
Though fairly sparse when it came to furniture, containing only a writing desk, a bureau and a couple of chairs, there were a pair of white linen curtains hanging around the tall window, which managed to give it a homely touch. Most of the bare stone was covered with a plain woven rug, and a few candleholders sat on the windowsill. Ajantis smiled.
"My Lady Bethany does worry that I am somehow suffering whenever I stay here to do my work," he remarked genially, signalling for Anomen to take the seat closest to one of the smallest fireplaces the knight had ever seen. It had been obscured from the doorway by the desk, but above the tiny hearth was a sturdy seeming mantelpiece that was covered with small clay models.
"And she does so love to display her eye for detail," Ajantis continued. His tone was slightly dry, but there was an obvious fondness in his eyes as he gazed at the various owls and squirrels looking across his room.
"You are a lucky man to have found such a fine woman," replied Anomen honestly. He had met the Lady Bethany on a handful of occasions since her betrothal, and she had always been warm and genuine, unlike many others in the nobility he'd had the misfortune to meet.
"Yes. I am. But... though I could probably bore you for a tenday on tales about my dear future wife, I am afraid that they will have to wait. We have, as you must be aware Sir Anomen, much more serious matters to discuss."
Anomen let his eyes sink to the ground. Although Ajantis was only a few years older than him, and in no way his superior, he had been a true follower of Helm -- and a passing friend to Anomen -- long enough to command a degree of respect; and Anomen felt shame that his actions had caused this discussion.
"I was expecting Sir Ryan to be present, also," he admitted quietly.
"Truly?" Ajantis seemed to be quite surprised by this. "Admittedly, your actions did cause some degree of concern; more so to Sir Sheldon, I expect, young as he is, and sheltered as he has been. Sir Lucas and I... well, we were worried."
"I..." Anomen's voice faltered. What could he say? He didn't mean to cause such concern? He didn't mean to do it? It would be a lie -- he had meant to do it, because he'd allowed the same temper that he'd seen grow and take over his father, surface in himself. And despite knowing what it could do to a man -- what it had done to a man... he'd made little effort to fight it.
"You are human. You have had weights and stresses on your shoulders for many years now, Anomen. Was I to be surprised that the straw came to break your back?"
"I am a Knight of the Order!" he exclaimed.
"And this means you lose all your vulnerabilities? Of course not!"
"I cannot remember you ever causing such a scene, Sir Ajantis."
The other man snorted. "Are we to compare stories? You are being hard on yourself; much harder than I had intended this meeting to be, in fact." There was a pause. "I did request to see you out of concern of a comrade, you know. As a friend."
Anomen sighed. "I am deeply shamed by my conduct. By all that is Holy, I would never have forgiven myself had I hurt that innocent girl."
"And you did not."
"Only because of your timely arrival."
"Is that really the case? Only you know, and I do not want to hear the answer. No... I think you have come to realise what happened and what may have transpired. I think you've learnt a valuable lesson this day; and I do not think you'll ever find yourself in such a position again."
Anomen raised an eyebrow slightly. "Perhaps... perhaps not. No... not now. I came very close so failing Helm and turning my back on all I have striven to achieve. And for what? A moment of guilt-infested anger that was passed to me in my very fibre from the man who called himself my father. I inherited his hatred, even if I tried to disguise it with righteous thoughts and actions, and I cannot deny it to myself any longer." He looked to Ajantis. "I am not the man I like to pretend I am."
Ajantis smiled. "No. You're a better man than that -- one who can look inside himself, even if it has taken some time and some events for it to occur. You acknowledge that with flesh comes faults, and now you are aware of the follies that threaten to befall us as we live our lives. Just by knowing them -- by recognising them and accepting they are there, you've shown that you are worthy to carry the title of Knight of the Order of the Most Radiant Heart, and I am proud to serve under its banner alongside you."
"I... I do not think I am worthy of such words," Anomen said doubtfully.
"You will, one day," Ajantis replied easily. "Sir Ryan wishes for you to continue your travels with the girl, Maiyn, and her companions -- I have no doubt you will be eager to continue this task." Anomen reddened slightly but remained quiet. "As I thought," Ajantis chuckled. "She seems to be good for you. And, I daresay you will be good for her -- her reputation preceded information about her when she broke into the kitchen pantry on her first evening here and pilfered some of the pastries."
"She did?" Anomen looked horrified.
"I jest not! There is no need to look quite so distraught -- she could not find any of the cooks and decided to leave a note explaining where they'd gone. Quite luckily, too, otherwise we might never have known."
"She is a very unique young lady," Anomen said quietly. "She has an inner strength that you would not believe possible."
"Oh, I trust it is possible," the other man remarked, standing from his own seat. "Considering all of her travelling companions, I think that it is hard to imagine her being the only one lacking it. Oh, and..." Ajantis turned and picked something up from the side of his desk. When he turned, he was holding something Anomen recognised. "This is yours, I believe. A fine weapon -- would have been a shame to let someone like Saerk Farrahd get his hands on it. Especially since he will have to leave that fine home of his this afternoon, when the guard arrive to arrest him."
Anomen gladly accepted the weapon. "Thank you. Thank you for everything."
Ajantis shook his head and opened the door. "No -- thank the young Lady Imoen. It was she that brought you back to reality, as unpleasant as it was. Were it not for her, it could have been so much worse."
Anomen nodded and shook Ajantis' hand. "Yes... yes, it could."