Each time we talk, I am there. There in the present. Those are the only moments that are stuck in my head, always. I can always think back and remember them perfectly because I was there.There are so many moments in life when you are just drifting and present only in your thoughts.
But… when I am there with him, I am electrified. I feel it in my nerves, the chance of something happening, of life being more than it is on the weekdays, of it not being dull. It is scary and exhiliarating. Terrifying. But at all times, I am there. In my body and in my thoughts, I am there. Often stuck there so much that it takes weeks to move on from those memories. But they stay crystal clear in my mind, like nothing else.
Because I do not know him. He is full of surprises. Not just about him. Surprises about myself. Recreating myself, putting myself, my thoughts, my wants to the test. There is always a challenge- the challenge of staying the same, where I can be true to my values, my plans, my family, or recreating myself. Rediscovering what feelings I can experience. And that is terrifying. Becuse it would require a movement from the normal, from the comfortable into the uncertain.
It may not even be about him, truth be told. It is him as a chance, as a symbol for all that I yearn for in life, something more. He may not be all that, but when he is there, there is a chance that he is. A bigger chance than I have ever felt with anybody else.