"Please enter," a voice over a loudspeaker demanded. Severus nervously and Dumbledore cheerfully followed the others into the factory, "Come forward!"
"Close the gates." The voice demanded and Severus heard the gates shut behind him, while they stood in front of the colossal chocolate empire. Severus stood near the end of the line to the left of the Salt's, while Dumbledore stood to the right of that glutton. Having not brought a coat, Severus was very cold.
"Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble factory," the loudspeaker voice called, "Who am I? Well,"
The doors to the factory split opening, revealing a large red curtain that said "WW." The curtain then opened, revealing a series of demented-looking puppets that began dancing and singing around a throne that was emblazoned with the letter "W."
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier!
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, everybody give a cheer
It was prehaps the most embarrassing moment of Severus life, and he was constantly embarrassing himself or being embarrassed.
He's modest, clever, and so smart, he barely can restrain it.
If this was true, Severus wondered, why was he writing songs about how brilliant he presumed he was?
There's so much generosity, there is no way to contain it, to contain it, to contain, to contain, to contaaaiiin!
Severus glanced to study the other contestant's reactions. Everybody seemed to hate the song as much as he did, except that foolish German woman, who visibly loved the song, and Dumbledore, who was dancing a merry jig to it.
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's the one that you're about to meet.
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's a genius who just can't be beat!
Clearly, Wonka was an extreme narcissist. Severus had a sinking feeling the tour would be unpleasant.
The magician and the chocolate whiz, he's the best darn guy who ever lived, Willy Wonka, here he is!
Severus was pretty shocked to see sparks emerge from nowhere, but even more shocked when they literally burned the puppets. Severus frowned. He loathed the puppets, but it seemed a shame to burn them after all the effort somebody took to make them. Eventually, whatever device was playing the song totally burned away, and Severus heard loud clapping combined with odd giggles at his right. Severus turned and saw a man standing to the Salt's right.
The man was wearing the exact same coat as Mr. Salt, but unlike Salt, had purple gloves, a top hat, and an eccentric hairstyle.
"Wasn't that just magnificent?" the man asked, "I was worried it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but then that finale…wow!" The man then walked in front of the contestants.
"Who are you?" Asked that blonde girl. What was her name? Violet? That's right, Severus recalled, Augustus, Violet, Veruca, and Mike were their names.
The man just stood there in extreme awkwardness.
The greatest wizard of the century had figured out the identity of the man before anybody else. "He's Willy Wonka!"
"Really?" Severus asked in shock. This certainly wasn't how he had imagined the man.
The man didn't have the courtesy to confirm or deny this. He merely gave an awkward smile, until giving a ludicrous answer.
"Good morning, Starshine! The earth says 'hello.'"
Severus was starting to fear for his sanity.
Severus and Dumbledore glanced at each other. Apparently, the headmaster was as unsure what to make of this as Severus was.
The man seemed to be waiting for a response. When none came, he pulled out of this pocket a series of small cards.
"Dear guests. Greetings! Welcome to the factory. I shake you warmly by the hand," The man extended his hand briefly, then frowned upon realizing that he was not supposed to have read that part, "My name is Willy Wonka."
"Then shouldn't you be up there?" asked Veruca, pointing to the throne, which somehow survived amid the decay.
"Well, I couldn't very well watch the show from up there, now could I little girl?" Wonka asked.
Why on earth would you want to watch that?
"Let's get a move on kids." Wonka said as he began walking into the room where the puppets had been massacred.
Severus half-wanted to turn around, but he nonetheless followed the others into the room.
"Don't you want to know our names?" Augustus asked.
"Can't imagine how it would matter," Wonka said, "Come quickly, far too much to see."
They walked on a red carpet in a bizarre and monotonous white corridor that seemingly had no real purpose. And it was burning. The heat was unbearable. Severus had gone from freezing to burning in less than a minute.
"Just drop your coats anywhere." Wonka suggested.
"Mr. Wonka?" Mr. Teavee called. The man reminded Severus of a character in the film Twelve Angry Men. "It sure is toasty in here."
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I have to keep it warm in here cuz my workers are used to an extremely hot climate. They just can't stand the cold."
"Who are the workers?" Severus couldn't help but ask.
Wonka avoided the question. "All in good time. Now..."
Severus was irritated. He asked questions only he wanted answers, and Wonka seemed to be refusing to give any.
That gum girl named Violet walked up to Wonka and gave him a sycophantic hug.
"Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde."
"Oh," Wonka said, "I don't care."
Violet wouldn't give up that easily. "Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl that's gonna win the special prize at the end."
Apparently convinced she would get a better reception, Veruca walked in front of the self-appointed chocolate wizard, giving a Victorian curtsey. "I'm Veruca Salt, it's very nice to meet you sir."
"I always thought that a veruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot," Wonka said, then adding in a odd voice "Ha!"
Dumbledore frowned at the rude comment.
Augustus became the third to approach Wonka. "I'm Augustus Gloop," The glutton said while stuffing his face, "I love your chocolate."
"I can see that. So do I," Wonka deadpanned, "I never expected to have so much in common."
The man seemed to be waiting for either Mike or Severus to walk in front of him, but Severus wasn't going to walk up after that display, and apparently neither was the technology fanatic. Wonka then turned around. "And you. Your Mike Teavee. Your the little devil who cracked the system." Wonka's eyes were full of hatred, and Mike didn't look like he felt any love for the candy-maker either.
Wonka's expression turned from anger to moderate disgust as he looked at Severus. "And you. Well, you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?"
Severus was taken aback. He had only spoken four words to Wonka, yet the man already seemed to disapprove of him.
Wonka's face brightened as he looked away from Severus. "And the rest of you must be their..." Wonka akwardly began opening and closing his mouth several times. Just say the word, Severus thought.
"Parents?" Mr. Salt answered after a ridiculous length of time.
"Yeah. Moms and Dads," Wonka then had a peculiar expression on his face, as though he was suffering some traumatic dementia, "Dad? Papa?"
After yet another needlessly awkward moment, Wonka gave yet another of his trademark anxious laughs as he seemed to return to reality. "Okay, then. Let's move on."
Severus vaguely heard Veruca and Violet promising to be best friends, and Mike and his father having some exchange, when Violet's mother walked up to Severus. "Hello." She said, showing her perfectly white teeth, and extending her hand to reach Severus.
"How do you do?" Severus said politely, shaking her hand, "I am Severus Snape."
"I'm Scarlett Beauregarde," The woman responded, "You're a very lucky man, Severus. And this is your father?"
"I am his distant cousin," The old wizard explained, "My name is Albus Dumbledore."
"Charmed," Scarlett said, returning her gaze to Severus, "I hope we have a lot of fun today, Severus."
"Let us hope so." Severus said. The woman giggled nervously, to Severus astonishment. Apparently, Severus Snape had at least one admirer on this earth.