"What is that?" Severus asked in astonishment.
"What is what, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.
"Across the river! I saw a little person!"
"We all saw the glutton -"
"No, I mean an extremely short person in a red jumpsuit!"
Dumbledore and Scarlett looked at Severus in disbelief.
"Severus, precisely how much candy have you eaten?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Hardly any at all! I know what I saw!"
"Wait! I see them as well!" Scarlett pointed, "right over there!"
Dubledore followed Scarlett's finger. "My, my. Who are they?"
The three were not alone in this observation. "Hey, Daddy, look over there," Veruca cried in wonder, "it's a little person!"
Whereas Severus had kept his voice down, Veruca shouted to the whole factory. The contestants and their parents all raced over to see the odd people across the river, who seemed to be doing a form of construction work. Had they not been so curious, they would have noticed one was too busy eating from the river to have joined them.
Scarlett watched a second appear. "There's two of them."
"There's more than two." Mr. Teavee corrected. Indeed, as Severus looked around the room, there seemed to be dozens of them, possibly as many as one hundred of them.
"Where do they come from?" Mrs. Gloop asked.
"Who are they?" Dumbledore wondered.
"Are they real people?" Mike asked, a strong dose of skepticism in his voice.
"Well, of course they're real people," Wonka confirmed, "they're Oompa-Loompa's."
"Oompa-Loompa's?" Mr. Salt repeated. Severus shared the man's incredulous sentiment, but disliked his tone, which reminded Severus greatly of the narcissistic idiot Gilderoy Lockhart, whose existence Severus had been forced to tolerate not long ago..
"From Loompa Land." Wonka clarified. Or, at least, he seemed to think he was clarifying, but it seemed less sensible to Severus. There was without question no such place. Even the most ignorant people could tell that.
"There's no such place." Mike Teavee voiced.
""What?" Wonka seemed to be warning the man to silence.
"Mr. Wonka, I'm a teacher of high school geography," Mr. Teavee responded, and I'm here to tell you -"
"Well -" Wonka interrupted with a tone of finality, "then you know all about it, and what a terrible place it is."
Mr. Teavee gave a look of defeat and wordlessly pleaded Severus to challenge Wonka. Severus scoffed the man for his weak nature, which made Mr. Teavee wince yet again. Mr. Teavee then turned to Dumbledore, repeating his silent plea, but Dumbledore simply waved cordially.
Wonka began a long story about Loompa Land. Supposedly, the nation was a mere collection of thick barbarous jungles infested by beasts Severus had never heard of before. Wonka began boasting about an incident that seemed highly exaggerated, claiming he fought an army of whangdoodles, then disgusted Severus by saying he had eaten the creatures blood once he had killed them. The Oompa-Loompa's has been eating grotesque creatures for food, but held deep idolatry for cocoa beans. Wonka then apparently offered/bribed the cocoa beans in exchange for their employment at his factory.
"They are such wonderful workers," Wonka concluded, "I feel I must warn you, though, they are rather mischievous. Always making jokes."
"Augustus, my child, that is not a good thing to do!" Mrs. Gloop cried. The glutton was drinking out of the chocolate river. Severus decided he would not be eating Wonka's for several months after this. One could only imagine where the child's hands had journeyed.
"Hey, little boy," Wonka called, "my chocolate must be untouched by human hands."
Just at that moment, the boy reached out his head to far and tipped into the river.
Mrs. Gloop and Mr. Teavee gasped in shock, while Dumbledore gave an emphatic "Oh, dear," and the rest looked in silent horror-with two exceptions: Willy Wonka and Severus Snape. Wonka seemed uninterested in the affair, while Severus was pleased, muttering "Serves him right, the glutton." Severus did not believe the boy was in lethal danger, and was expecting the Oompa-Loompa's to pull him out somehow. Dumbledore shot Severus a look of disapproval, then returned his attention to the scene.
"He'll drown! He can't swim! Save him!" Mrs. Gloop cried. Dumbledore was about to cast a wordless anti-drowning charm, when he was distracted by a levitating pipe then appeared from nowhere. Wonka watched the pipe with wicked anticipation. The pipe's suction created a whirlpool that entrapped the child. "Augustus, watch out!" Mrs. Gloop cried in vain, for the boy keep spinning until he was sucked up the pipe.
"There he goes." Violet noted with a neutral tone.
"Call the fire brigade!" Mrs. Gloop was on the verge of a meltdown.
"It's a wonder how that pipe is big enough." Scarlett thought out loud. This comment lead Severus to compare the boy and the pipe. The size seemed about equal, with the pipe only a few inches wider. It was almost as if it had been made for the boy himself.
"It isn't big enough," Severus corrected, "he's slowing down." And, indeed, Augustus was starting to decrease speed rapidly. Severus wondered if the boy was in real danger after all.
"He's gonna stick." Mike predicted accurately. About nine-tenths of the way up the pipe, Augustus stood still.
"I think he has." Mr. Teavee said, to nobody's benefit.
"He's blocked the whole pipe." Mr. Salt pointed out. As if we hadn't realized this, Severus snarled silently.
Wonka gave a dreamy look, as if he had just seen a beautiful woman instead of a factory accident involving a child.
Severus turned his head toward the Oompa-Loompa's, hoping to see them with emergency equipment. Instead, they seemed to be...dancing.
"Look, the Oompa-Loompa's." The crowd turned toward Severus, then followed his eyes.
"What are they doing?" Veruca asked.
A look of amusement entered Wonka's face, as the man looked at nobody, yet talked as though he were on camera. "Why, I believe they're going to treat us to a little song."
Dumbledore's eyes rose in outrage while Severus had never felt so astonished in his life. He had to have heard incorrectly.
"It is quite a special occasion of course," Wonka continued, "they haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon."
"What about Augustus?" Dumbledore asked angrily, but a series of musical noises silenced him. The Oompa-Loompa's were making odd noises.
Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop,
The great big, greedy nincompoop
Augustus Gloop, so big and vile,
So greedy, foul, and infantile,
Severus agreed wholeheartedly with the lyrics, but this was hardly the time for such a song. Dumbledore looked furious.
Come on, we cried! The time is ripe!
To send him shooting up the pipe!
But don't, dear children, be alarmed,
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed!
Severus gave a sigh of relief. Good, he wouldn't be harmed. The Oompa-Loompa's were diving into the chocolate river. Why were they waiting so long to free the boy from the pipe? He would run of oxygen. They then returned to the cliff and danced again.
Although, of course, we must admit,
He will be altered quite a bit,
Slowly, wheels go round and round,
And cogs began to grind and pound!
Severus lost any hope he had Wonka would have the boy free. The Oompa-Loompa's were celebrating! The boy would suffocate if he was in that pipe much longer. Severus stared at the pipe with great concentration. He would have to cast a silent spell, for the other contestants were muggles. Severus concentrated and thought "Reducto"over and over again.
This greedy brute, this louses ear,
Is loved by people everywhere!
For who could hate, or bare a grudge,
Against a luscious bit of-
Severus charm caused the pipe to open into two halves, causing Augustus to fall out. Severus whispered a Anti-Drowning Charm so Augustus wouldn't drown. Though the music for song was still playing, the Oompa-Loompa's quit dancing and singing, staring in wonder. Severus considered repairing the pipe, but thought that would look to suspicious.
Not a man easily surprised, Willy Wonka's jaw dropped. Not only had Augustus not gone up the pipe, his pipe had split into two even halves, with apparently no broken glass, and the boy fell from a two hundred foot height without drowning.
"My Augustus can't swim!" Mrs. Gloop cried.
Severus turned toward Wonka. The boy was safe, but the chocolate wizard didn't know that.
"Er, well, that is very odd." Wonka was hesitant. The boy had never been in danger, the pipe had been built solely for Augustus, and was to take him to a room where he would he would cleaned off the chocolate as best as he can be, though he had planned to joke it went to the fudge room. Now that the boy was free, he was in danger! What was he to do? Wonka didn't like the boy, but he didn't want him to die!
Mike was tired of Wonka's waiting, and grabbed a large lollipop and held it out for Augustus to reach. Augustus grabbed on, and Mike struggled to pull him out due to the boy's weight. Severus walked over to help Mike, and they pulled Augustus out of the river.
"Thank you." Augustus told Mike and Severus. He then walked over to Wonka, dripping chocolate everywhere. "I'm sorry, Mr. Wonka," Augustus cried, his tears pure chocolate, "I should have listened to your rules." Severus could help but feel empathetic.
"Well, that's fine. Apology accepted," Wonka shook the boy's hand, licked the chocolate off his glove, then turned to a Oompa-Loompa, "I want you to take the Gloop's to get the chocolate cleaned off."
The word "chocolate" made Augustus shiver. "I'll never eat candy again!" Augustus vowed, astonishing his mother.
"Well, that was quite a show," Wonka said awkwardly, "anyway, on with our tour."
"I must confess," Mr. Salt's piped up, "that song seemed rather rehearsed."
Wonka's eyes darkened.
"Like they knew what was going to happen." Mike said. Severus agreed.
"Poppycock."
"Mr. Wonka?" Severus asked.
"Yes?"
'Why would the boy's name have already been in the song? Unless -"
"Improvisation," Wonka interrupted, "is a parlor trick. Anyone can do it. You," he motioned toward Violet, "say something!"
"Chewing gum." Violet answered.
"Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See?" Wonka turned back to Severus, "exactly the same!"
"No it's not!" Mike argued.
"You really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word your saying."
Wonka gave his guests another awkward look. "Now, on with the tour."