How to distract your intense fan base from noticing your current lack of success in continuing with the storyline.
Lesson Two: Distract with banter and fumbling main characters.
"Remus?" said Sirius as he lounged on the ice-glittered grass, near the Hogwarts lake.
"Yes?" supplied Remus, in a teasing response. The two boys were freezing in the typical Scottish mid-winter yet completely content to lie in the cold next to each other, lying on their cloaks with their fingers and legs entwined until it was difficult to ascertain whose limbs where who's.
"Will you marry me?"
"Merlin, no!"
"What?! And why not? I'll have you know I'm a hell of a catch. You'd be lucky to have me as a trophy wife."
"You're a hell of a catch now, but in just ten short years, you won't look so good. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I can already detect some wrinkles...it's one of my werewolf senses, you know."
"I do not have wrinkles!" shrieked Sirius.
"Too mean?" quirked Remus.
"Yeah..." whimpered Sirius, "and completely untrue."
"Don't worry Padfoot, I like you in spite of your flaws."
"Yes well, I don't like this cruel and sadistic streak in you. Save it for the bedroom like a normal person."
"Ah, you mean the dormitory we share with Peter and James."
"Exactly. They need some educating in loving."
"Well, you know me," drawled Remus, "I'm such a devout fan of extracurricular studying."
"Improving the grades of our peers is so satisfying," replied Sirius.
"Indeed. And it's always convenient to get in some practice for ourselves, just so we don't get out of touch."
"I fervently agree," laughed Sirius.
"And I endeavour to please."
"Well, I already knew that."
"Of course."
"Moony?" said Sirius, as he grasped at Remus's fingers.
"Yes, Sirius?" Remus acquiesced.
"I've realised how I'm going to get you to marry me!"
"And how is that?" said Remus, as the corners of his mouth twitched into a smile.
"I'm going to get knocked up. Then you're have to marry me," chirped Sirius with a smirk.
"You and your gender issues."
"I mean it."
"Sirius, look – I don't quite know how to phrase this – but, you're a boy, allegedly, and boys can't actually get knocked up."
"A potentially problematic situation, I admit. But I'm sure I can find a way around it."
"Aren't you so clever…"
"I'm glad you agree."
"Mind you, it's still not one of your better ideas."
"And why not?! It's completely foolproof."
"I'd say it's proof you're a fool, but I think that sounds a little predictable, wouldn't you agree" murmured Remus, edging as close to Sirius as he possibly could.
"Yes, I would," replied Sirius, "it's still a great plan though."
"Go on then, tell me all the little details of your great plan, how are you going to get yourself pregnant?"
"We're going to have sex, Remus," Sirius declared solemnly.
"That's not exactly a first, now is it? And pardon my ignorance, how will that result in a pregnant you?"
"Because it just will, silly," reprimanded Sirius.
"Oh, well it that case..."
"I'm thrilled that you're finally seeing it from my point of view."
"So...I suppose we should start making babies?..."
"And that is exactly why I adore you, Moonshine. You're always thinking ahead."
"Do you ever shut up Sirius?"
"Sometimes."
"Well then, allow me the pleasure of shutting you up."
"I love it when you get like this."
"Sssssssh."
"All domineering and in charge."
"Shush." Remus said, firmly as he grasped for Sirius, putting one hand on the boys neck, allowing the other to roam the boys back and finally, shutting up Sirius for good, (well, for now anyways), he launched his mouth onto Sirius's, fiercely and passionately. And as the two boys where swept away with the fervour of the moment, their lips battling for control and their tongues, seemingly, searching for a map of the others mouth, they failed to notice a young boy – a first year, most likely, approach them. They continued to be oblivious to the boys presence until said boy happened to notice them and subsequently squealed, (in a – it has to be said – rather unmanly fashion). Untangling himself from Remus, Sirius leapt to his feet and stared at the boy accusingly. The boy, clearly numb with shock, attempted to mumble a few words, although very incomprehensibly.
"Repeat," growled Sirius, almost predatorily. The unfortunate boy found his terrified eyes locked with the ferocious, unfaltering glare of the Sirius and for some strange reason found himself forced to acquiesce to whatever the menacing animagus wanted. The boy cleared his throat and repeated himself, a slight bit clearer then before.
"Evans wanted me to give you this," the boy spluttered before he flung a piece of parchment in Sirius's direction and fled. Bending to pick up the parchment, Sirius asked Remus whether on not he should chase the boy and threaten him until he entered an early retirement or at least until he swore not to reveal what he has just witnessed.
"No," replied Remus, "after all, we are trying to be...well, pushed out of the closet, so to speak... rumours will spread."
"I guess," said Sirius, still unsure.
"What's on the parchment?"
"Parchment?"
"From Lily."
"Oh," said Sirius, "right." As he began scanning the parchment, a grin began to emerge at the corner of his lips, "I love that girl."
"What?"
"The boy, us, that - all her."
"How?" said Remus, sceptically.
"It says, 'Hello boys.' Boys she calls us, the nerve. We're men."
"Sirius just read it."
"Calm down dear.
"Padfoot."
"Right, right, flufferbuns. 'Hello boys. How are you two doing? You see I happened to be speaking with James, and he mentioned you two had gone for a walk. Using my fantastic skills of deduction I have taken it upon myself to presume that walking is not all you're doing. Granted, it might be but if you are, that's not a problem. But, if you're not as I highly suspect, my little messenger boy might get a little surprise. You know how rumours will start. And, this won't constitute as me telling James, now will it. Hope you're enjoying your walk. – Lily.' "
"She's devious."
"And so subtly unsubtle."
"And devious."
"And genius, don't forget genius."
"Wouldn't dare."
"If only she knew we were out deviousing her."
"Not a word."
"Not important," said Sirius, carelessly, "now, where were we?"
Hey you! Get off my cloud. And well, if you get the chance REVIEW.
...purrrrrr...