I don't know when it started, but I know it's here now, and it's not going away. I wish it would, but really, I don't want it to. I'm not letting go. I know that I shouldn't...but I can't help myself. It's all so wrong, yet I feel as though I'm doing the right thing. Rounding the bend in the dirt track running through the forest, the dappled moonlight splashed onto my tan skin and cast shadows over the clearing I now found myself in. Across the way, a silhouette materialised among the trees. It stepped towards me, out into the broken light. The shadows lingered on his face for a moment, then slid away, revealing his identity. There he was. His presence made my skin crawl, but in a good way. It was strange, I was almost...terrified to be around him, but it gave me such a thrill. He was just standing there, staring at me. I held his gaze, refusing to move down wind. But I could feel myself melting. Those violet eyes, cold as they were, penetrated my soul, saw right through me. I was worried though. Maybe I wasn't ready for this...his personality could be just like his eyes at times, icy cold, and I know that I can be quite sensitive. I just... don't want to get hurt. I could feel my face burning up. Blushing furiously, I turned away, heard his slight chuckle. Needless to say, it didn't ease my embarrassment.

"Knocked you off your guard, have I? Surprise." One corner of his mouth lifted slyly as he took a step closer.

I smiled shyly, suddenly feeling like an airheaded freshman, madly crushing on one of those dark, mysterious senior boys. I pushed my blonde bangs out of my eyes, my heart skipping like a spring lamb. He just had this way of getting under my skin. "You got me...again." I replied, twirling a strand of my hair around one finger.

He raised his eyebrows, smirking. "Flora, chill out, okay?" He came closer to me, reaching out and holding my hands in his, sending a tingling sensation rushing along my arms and through my entire body. "You're always so jumpy, so..."

Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me closer to him, pressing my body against his. So close, I could feel his heart beating steadily, whilst mine hammered in my chest.

"...tense." His last word was barely a whisper, and before I knew what was happening, his hands let go of mine and softly, gently, his fingertips brushed my cheeks, and he looked deep into my eyes.

This time, I couldn't tear myself from him. He leaned in slowly towards me, and I tilted my face upwards slightly, closed my eyes, felt our lips pressing together. The airheaded girl inside me returned, and for a moment, I convinced myself that I'm where I need to go, for a moment, I convinced myself that this was meant to be, forgot about everything else...and then that moment ended. Guilt washed over me, and I jerked him away suddenly, shaking my head, slightly breathless, knowing that what I was doing was wrong, no matter how much I wished it was right. I could feel tears threatening to fall, and turned on my heel. I couldn't give him an explanation of how he made me feel. It was too difficult, too painful. Sometimes silence can explain better than words. Flicking my brown hair over my shoulders, the gentle breeze combed through it as it tumbled freely down my back. Low growing shrubs scraped along the pale blue jeans I wore, leaving slightly muddy streaks across them. The sides of my burgundy converse were splattered with mud and soaked through from the damp forest floor. I pulled my maroon vest top down over my hips, wrapping my soft, midnight blue denim jacket that was covering my shoulders around myself as best I could. My usual gold bangles jingled on my wrists, and I picked up the pace, desperate to evacuate myself from the situation in the woods. I became aware of footsteps running behind me. I turned my head in time to see him catching up to me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me backwards suddenly, catching me as I lost my balance and fell into his strong chest.

He held my shoulders and stared down at me. "Flora, where are you going? Has something happened-" He paused, spotting the tears that glistened on my cheeks. "Was it something I did? What's going on?"

I sniffed, looking away. I couldn't keep my gaze focused on him. "Riven...don't you understand? Can't you see? I can't stay here! I can't be here...not with you!"

Riven looked hurt. "What have I ever done to you? Flora I lo-"

I smiled at him, laying my hand on his cheek, stroking his face. "I know, Riven, and I wish I could stay. Trust me, it's not you. You haven't done anything, not to me..."

He raised his hand, placing it on top of mine, holding it against his face. "Then why..."

"What about Musa?" I blurted out. "Think about what you're doing to her. And Helia. Every time I'm with you, Riven, I always end up thinking about him, and what would happen to him if he ever found out about us! Don't you feel any remorse? I- I've never been a home wrecker before."

He sighed, and this time it was his turn to look away. "But, we can fight for us, right?"

"Riven, I-"

"No! Just, hear me out, Flora..."

My eyes were swimming, and I blinked hard, more tears streaming my face. I nodded, crossing my arms, and gave Riven the chance to say what he needed to say.

"Flora, yes, I've been dating Musa. And yes, it's been for a while, but Musa has never made me feel the way you do. I can't get you out of my head. Whenever I'm with Musa I'm thinking about you! You're the one thing that never leaves my mind, and I never stop waiting for these moments, when I finally get to see you, spend time with you. Yes, I'm with Musa, but you're the one I really want. The one I need. No one can take that away from me. Not even you. I won't let them."

How could I make him understand? We are both just so different...but instead of that making being together difficult, it makes being apart difficult. He just didn't see things the way I did. He only saw the good, whilst I saw the bad. The really, really bad. "Riven, I'm not trying to take anything away from you. You think I don't wish things could be different? I wish constantly that life were simpler than this...that if two people were really meant to be together, they can always find a way. But if that way means we have to lie, break someone else's heart...then I think we need to leave it there, minimise the amount of people who need to get hurt. Every time I look at Helia, I know that if he knew about this, it would crush him, and his feelings. The same for Musa. What you feel for me, what I feel for you...they feel for us."

"So you admit there's something there?" Riven wasn't giving up.

"That's not what I said!"

Riven nodded his head. "You said what I feel for you, what you feel for me... Isn't that proof enough, Flora? This is what we are meant to be, but we can only be it together. Can't you see that?"

"Look, don't get me wrong, I want to be with you. More than anything. But maybe, we should forget about everything that's happened between us. It's not right, Riven...sneaking around like this." I took a step back, and turned to leave for the second time.

"Alright then." He said. "Let's quit sneaking around. When we both found out that we each had another person in our lives, that didn't stop us from seeing each other. We didn't try our bloody best to ruin the other's life. We knew that we were meant to be, that nothing could stop us, and although you seem to have forgotten that, I know that deep down, you still know it. You know that walking away? Is a mistake, something you'll regret. Leaving now, giving up without a fight, that's the wrong thing to do."

I didn't turn around, but stopped walking. I had a feeling I knew what was coming, even though I had always hoped that this time would never arrive. But it was inevitable, right from the start. " W- What are you saying?"

"I think you know, Flora." His voice was quiet, gentle.

"No, Riven, I can't...I know what it's like, to be hurt, and I swore to myself that I would never do anything to hurt someone else." I spluttered, voice cracking and falling to a whisper. "I just can't."

"What? And you think that I've never been hurt before? Flora, trust me, been there, done that. But doesn't it make it okay if we're doing a bad thing for a good reason?"

This time I looked straight at him, a look of shock on my face. "What kind of logic is that?" I shrieked at him. "No, it doesn't make it 'okay'."

"Okay, maybe...'okay' wasn't the best way to put it..." Riven looked at his feet, ears burning red.

"Huh, really?" I scoffed, wishing the whole thing would just end there and then.

"Look, what I'm trying to say is that, Flora, I don't want to put this dream away. I don't want to give up on us." Riven tried again. "I want to see if what we have...is love. True love. A love worth fighting for. I'm ready to pay the price for that. Are you?"

"I-" I didn't know what to say. "Of course I am Riven...I just don't want to hurt anyone. I should have thought about this before...before I got into this scrape. It's all just a huge mess."

"Is that all I am then? Just a mistake?" Riven asked.

Remember when I said that Riven can be just like his eyes? Well, this is one of those times. He's prone to...mood swings. And now, just the tiniest mistake in my choice of words had him standing by his gun, suddenly cold.

"Riven, you know that's not what I meant!" I pleaded. "I can't help feeling guilty! What we're doing isn't right. I still love you, but we need to forget about this. We shouldn't be together."

You have no idea how much it pained me to say that. Riven's hard face was unreadable, apart from the tell tale tears that swam in his eyes, threatening to fall.

"Am I the mistake that you'll live to regret? Not walking away, but loving me?" He challenged.

"I don't regret any of it...I just know I need to walk away. I wish things could be different, but they can't."

"Why not?" His voice rose slightly. "We get to choose our own paths. We decide what can and can't be in our lives. No one else can."

"Yeah?" I was beginning to lose my temper. I take pride in being quite calm and slow to anger, but everyone has their limits, and Riven was seriously beginning to push mine. "What if I decided this for myself? What if I decide to walk away on my own?"

"And what if I decide to fight for my feelings?" He shot back.

I opened my mouth to retaliate, but I was lost for words. Again. Shaking my head, I shrugged my shoulders. "If we cant even agree on a relationship...should we really be in one?" We had drifted away from the subject of my fear, the one thing I really didn't want to do. I planned to get out of there before anything went that far.

"Flora, the only reason this isn't working is because we're being held back. Its time to tell them."

"Riven I-"

"You don't want to hurt anyone. I get that Flora. No one said this would be easy."

"No one said things should have turned out like this in the first place." I whispered.

"Look, as much as we can try and avoid it, the truth is that if we don't tell them, they're gonna figure it out for themselves. Eventually. It's better they hear it from us instead of somebody else. It's time to stop hiding. To come clean. We can either run from this moment...or we can learn from it. We can run, and make things more painful than they need to be. Or we can learn, and move on, pick up the pieces."

"Things are gonna be painful either way." I sighed.

"But less so if we learn from this moment and do the honourable thing."

"Nothing is honourable about this!"

"Telling the truth is better than lying." He said forcefully. "You know I'm right Flora. You always knew that it would come to this. Now that time has come, we cant delay it any further."

I looked away in defeat. "Okay." I said at last. "I'll tell Helia. And you'll tell Musa?"

"As soon as I can." He promised.

I nodded, letting the silence wash over me, swirling me around with my guilt.

"So...do you still have to go?" Riven asked shyly.

I glanced at my watch, letting out another sigh. "Helia will be home soon...I should probably be heading back..."

Riven grumbled. "But I hardly got a chance to look at you." He came closer and closer, leaning in towards me, pulling my hips close to his. "Just stay for a little bit longer...Helia won't mind you being out one night. You cant be in the house all the time."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not at home all the time."

Riven stood back, looking at me, eyebrows raised in mock surprise. "Really? Well, I guess not, what with you standing in front of me in the middle of the woods an' all...but that's just a minor detail."

I smiled at him.

He gazed back at me, eyes glistening again, warm as before.

I lost myself in those violet eyes, not for the first time, and fell away from the world. My surroundings blurred, became somewhat of a distant memory. Our fingers interlocked. His face was getting closer to mine, his eyes were closing. I was heading in the same direction, full speed ahead. But my head got the better of me again. I pulled my head in the opposite direction, my heart jolting as though it had been pierced with tiny little shards of broken glass. I hated doing that, but I had no choice. It was going to get worse too, after I told Helia. Riven's face fell, and his hands slipped out of mine.

"I really should be going, Riven. Helia will-"

"Be home soon, I know, I know." He sighed.

I nodded, biting my lip nervously. "I'm sorry Riven. Really, really sorry." I turned around, and went to leave, hoping to get further than 3 steps this time.

"Same time tomorrow?" He called after me. The hesitation in his voice showed that he knew he was pushing it. But luckily for him, I do enjoy seeing him, no matter how guilty it makes me feel. It's a challenge, right? A challenge that, no matter how rough, is always rewarded, with a feeling of complete happiness, a feeling of love.

I stopped, turning to face him again. Slowly, I began to smile, watching Riven's face so obviously flooding with relief. That boy is an open book (try telling that to him though). "I'll be here." I gestured to the clearing, disappearing into the shadows.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As soon as I was out of the trees, I broke into a clumsy run. It isn't easy running in converse that, if mistreated, will give your feet the biggest blisters in history. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my key, slowing as I approached the front door. Jamming it into the lock, I let myself in. I paused in the hallway, looking around. Taking off my jacket and throwing it onto one of the hooks on the wall, I strode into the living room, pulling off the offending shoes and rubbing my aching feet. Sticking on a pair of slippers I grabbed the converse and ran upstairs, shoving them under the bed. Then I took an oversize wooly cardigan, wrapped it around myself and checked the driveway. Still no sign of Helia. Pulling the sleeves over my hands and folding my arms, I returned down the stairs and curled up on the sofa. Switching on the TV, I breathed out, relaxing at last. Maybe Riven was right? How much longer could I keep this up? Is it time to let go? Is it really time for Helia to know the truth? Suddenly, the front door opened, making me jump.

"Flora?" Helia called.

Speak of the devil. I didn't move from the couch, just turned my head to face the door into the hall. I smiled sweetly. "Hey."

Entering the room, Helia looked at me through his jagged haircut. There was an awkward pause in place of the usual chit chat that followed his arrival. "So..."

I shrugged. "Yes?" I knew that he needed help with getting the conversation going, but I really didn't know what to say either. I didn't want to say anything. Silence was better than the words that needed to be said.

He sighed in exasperation. "Um...whatcha watching?"

I looked at the TV. Sure, it was on, but I wasn't really watching it. "Oh, it's just some..." I let one of the scenes play out. "...some reality TV show. It was the first thing that came up when I switched it on."

"Any good?" He was desperately trying to drag this conversation out.

"Alright."

Silent at last, Helia came and sat at the other end of the sofa. I remained where I was, curled into a ball in the corner, my elbow on the armrest and my head in my hand. It was too painful to go near him. I felt so bad. What kind of a mess was I in? Where I couldn't bear to spend time with my own boyfriend? Couldn't bear to look at him? I could feel his eyes boring into me, see him in the edge of my vision. It was blatantly obvious to me that we were on edge, threatening to fall. I just hoped Helia wouldn't notice. I stared at the screen in front of me, unseeing. I thought I could hear him talking to me, but I could barely hear him over the voices hissing in my head.

"Flora?" His voice was louder now, more forceful. It jolted me from my thoughts, brought me back to life. I glanced sideways at him, just so he knew I was listening. "Are you okay? You seem out of it tonight."

"Hmm? Oh, no, I'm fine Helia, really." I forced a smile, made myself hold his gaze.

He flashed a broken smile back. Maybe he was working it out... Then he put an arm out, laid his hand on my shoulder. "Hey? What are you doing all the way over there?" I turned to the floor as though it held the answers. Helia lifted his arm and waved his hand at me. "Come over here." His smile was now warm and welcoming.

Reluctantly, I shuffled against him, flinching as I came into contact with him. It didn't feel right. Nothing did, when it came to love. Not with me. Resting my head on his chest his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he relaxed, his breathing slow and steady. I could hear the rhythmic beating of his heart. Me on the other hand? I couldn't have felt more uncomfortable. This was supposed to be the right thing, yet it all felt so wrong. The complete opposite of what I felt with Riven. My priorities are messed up. My whole life is! Every breath shook. Helia didn't deserve this. But if he should be allowed to be truly happy, then shouldn't I? Besides, he could never be truly happy. Not with me. My entire life with him is a lie. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head, and then I could stand it no longer. Raising my head, I slid my legs round, sitting upright. Helia watched my every move, letting go of me.

"Everything alright?"

I gave my best attempt at an innocent smile, nodding. "Yeah, I am just so..." I trailed off, faking a yawn. I fake a lot of things around him. "So tired. I think I'll have an early night." Helia stood, holding my arms, looking down at me. I dragged my eyes away. I found it no easier to hold his gaze than I did Riven's. "You - you don't have to come now, it's alright. Um, stay and watch the TV for a bit...if you want, I don't mi-"

He silenced me with a kiss. I found myself unexpectedly going with it. My eyes closed, and I returned the kiss. My hands wrapped around his neck, his around my waist. This was how life should be. Simple. Without complications. But of course, it's not like that. If love was easy, we'd all have it. But it's not. As with Riven, the guilt flooded through me, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if Helia could taste it on my lips. I broke the kiss, pulling myself away gently. He smiled. I didn't return the favour.

Helia looked confused, worried. "Flora, is...is there something going on? Something I don't know about? If something's upsetting you Flora, I need to know. I can help you."

I looked away, not answering the question.

"There is, isn't there?"

"That's not what I said..." I sighed.

"It's what your silence said."

I didn't answer again. What was I supposed to say? I though of Riven - They're gonna figure it out for themselves...It's time to stop hiding...We can run from this moment, or we can learn from it...
I knew I should tell him. For a second, I thought I might. I looked right into his eyes, saw the concern, the worry, the kindness he reached out with. Then I realised that I couldn't. I wouldn't do something like that. Then I realised I already had. I couldn't stay there. I had to get away from him, before my whole world crashed down around me.

"Night, Helia." I left, feeling his hand sliding down my arm, holding onto me for as long as possible.

Riven was right. I needed to tell him. If I carry on like this, he's gonna figure it out anyway. Tears were pricking my eyes. What had I gotten myself into? If I tell Helia, it will ruin him. If I don't tell him, it will ruin me. Helia just stood there, helpless, watching me go. I heard the leather of the sofa squeak slightly as he sat back down. I padded up the stairs, wiping my eyes delicately with the tip of my finger. I reached our room and looked at the double bed. I sighed, changing into pyjamas and going into the bathroom to take off my makeup. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. The sight of me made me feel sick. I am a terrible person. I turned my head away, new tears beginning to fall. I crawled into bed, lying on the very edge. I wish things could just go back to the way they were. But it's not like that. Not anymore.