Riven's P.O.V

I remained standing in the woods for some time after she left. How could I have been so stupid? Flora isn't that kind of girl. She never wanted this...our love. Not for it to happen like this, at least. I was changing her. She wanted to change. For me. Couldn't she see that I love her for her? Nothing else. And I wouldn't change her for the world. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like this is just my happy ending. Am I only looking out for myself? Or does she want this too?

Sometimes, I just think that she'd be better off with Helia. She's been with him for so many years, they'd been through so much together. I can still remember that first day she met him. She talked about little else, until she finally told him how she felt. I remember her saying that he was the best thing that ever happened to her, that he was the one person she felt comfortable with, the one she could always go to, would always be there by her side. Maybe that was what she really wanted, but was just taking time to truly figure it out. Maybe deep down, she still wanted Helia...I was just a detour on her journey to happiness.

Sighing, I finally decided that it was time to leave, turning and following the trail that led out to where my car was parked. I'd already told Musa that I would be late home, due to the fact that I had to drop something round my mate's house, but now the lying had to stop. If me and Flora were ever going to have a chance, it had to. I knew that this wouldn't be easy. Sacrifice never is. However, sacrifices had to be made, and it was a good thing I was prepared to make them. I wasn't about to lose Flora. I knew what I was going to say. I had to deflect all of Musa's affections, as gently as possible. Calm her down. Talk to her. I had to tell her the truth. About me, about Flora, about everything. I knew she would be heartbroken. But I would be if I lost Flora. I can't help how I feel. I tried to ignore it, but it was impossible.

I climbed into my car and turned the key. The engine sprang to life, and I manoeuvred my way off the grassy verge and out onto the quiet road. Weaving between the rows of shops and lines of houses, the nerves built up inside me to the point where they were unbearable. I could see Musa's face when I closed my eyes, her image burned into my mind. Tears running down her face as she heard the news that the love of her life didn't feel the same way about her. The noise of her entire world crashing down around her filled my ears. I finally understood wholly what Flora meant. She felt like this all the time. Was that just the way I worked? Inflicting pain, in its many forms, on the people I loved? Am I a complete walking disaster? A bomb waiting to explode? I thought so. But I wanted to change. Once this is all behind me, I'll have that chance. I'll have the chance to make myself a new life with Flora, where I can quit all the lying, all the running and hiding. Where I can be a better man. Flora...she makes me want be a better man. For her. And I'm not about to let her down. Not now, not ever.

Turning onto the front drive of the small house I shared with Musa, I eyed the door warily. I didn't know if I wanted to go inside it. Not when I knew what was waiting for me on the other side. I stayed sat in the car for a long time, staring ahead of me unseeing. The darkness wrapped around me, broken only by the dimly lit street lamp that stood a few paces up the road, and the fragmented light that glistened through the tiny gaps in the drawn curtains of the front room. My legs seemed to be rooted to the spot. I was frozen. I didn't think I would be able to move. I didn't want to. I longed to be able to turn around now, and drive freely to Flora's, with no worries, no cares. To pick her up and for us to disappear into the night, far away from everything that held us back. But that wasn't possible. At least not until both Musa and Helia knew the truth.

A knock on the window rattled me, and I jumped from my mind back out into the real world. Placing a hand on my heart, I breathed deeply, trying to recompose myself. It hammered violently against my chest. Looking out of the window, I got another shock when I saw Musa's face peering in at me. She looked concerned, her deep blue black eyes filled with worry and confusion. Steadying myself, I reached out and rolled down the window.

"What are you doing out here?" She asked, looking at me quizzically. "I saw the headlights through the curtains ages ago."

"Well, I...um...I just needed to gather myself, you know?" I tried. "Have some quiet time to think."

"Alright." Musa nodded, opening the door. "What was on your mind?"

I rolled up the window and climbed out of the car. "Oh, you know. This and that. Nothing important."

"You sure?" She pressed. "If there's something you want to talk about..."

Following her towards the front door, I stopped just before we entered the house. Silently, I turned and locked the car, frozen inside my mind again. There was something I needed to talk about. Something serious. There was a lot to talk about, and I knew I had planned to do it right about now...

"No no." I smiled. "It's alright. I'm fine."

I leaned towards her and pecked her on the cheek, stepping into the hallway and closing the door behind us. So much for 'deflecting her affections.' First I needed to stop showing mine. The weird thing was, it was almost habit now. I didn't really feel anything with Musa, not like the way I feel with Flora. I know that really, I don't love her. Not in the way she loves me. And yet I can't stop. I can't be cold towards her, or act as though I don't care. Showing her I love her comes naturally, even though I know deep down it's just an illusion. I don't know how it happened, but it's not real. Maybe when we were younger, and everything was new, I thought it was. But now I realise that it isn't. Now that I've found Flora, now I know what I've been without all this time, I cant just let her go. Even if that meant I had to let go of Musa.

"Do you want anything to drink?" She asked now. "I'm just about to stick the kettle on, if you do."

I shook my head, and sat down on the sofa, head in hand. I heard her footsteps disappearing into the kitchen, the bubbling of the boiling water.

"So what was it you wanted to drop off again?" She called from the next room. "And to who?"

"Oh, it was just... Ryan's keys...remember how I had that spare set for a while?"

"Oh yeah." Musa said.

"Well since I very rarely see him anymore, or go round his for anything, not like the old days anyway, I thought it was about time I returned his spare keys." I continued to explain myself, hoping I sounded more believable through Musa's ears. "I just remembered it this morning, so we arranged for me to drop them off and catch up a bit."

"That's nice." She replied.

I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"How was he?"

"Good, yeah." I answered, begging the questions to stop.

Thankfully they did. Musa returned to the living room with a cup of tea in her hand. She sipped it, watching me over the brim of the mug. She frowned, and that started the panic, deep inside me. Placing the drink down on the coffee table, she crossed her arms.

"Riven." She started.

"What?" I asked nervously.

"Something's up. There's something you're not telling me."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Don't lie to me!" She cried. "I know you're keeping something from me. It's troubling you. Can't you just talk to me about it?"

I hung my head.

"Come on, Riven. You can trust me. You know that you can tell me anything."

I took a deep breath, and looked Musa in the eye. Her frown became deeper when she saw the gentle tears that glimmered in my eyes.

"Anything?" I whispered.

"Riven..."

"Anything?" I said, louder and with more force this time.

She nodded. "Anything."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"I...I don't understand." She choked.

Her eyes were swimming with tears, her knees were shaking. Her suffering tore at my heart, and whether I loved her or not, I hated to see her like this. I hadn't even told her yet. Not all of it anyway. It wasn't looking good though.

"Why?" Her voice was more composed on this word, almost as if she knew it all already, like she was trying to drag the words from my mouth.

"I can't explain it..." I started, my own voice strangled by the lump in my throat that kept getting bigger. "Something is just- just..."

I sighed and rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. I was falling to pieces in front of her. That's not what was supposed to happen.

"I don't..."

"What, Riven?" Musa snapped suddenly, the tears flooding her face in a tidal wave. "You don't what?"

"I- I don't know how to-"

"Tell me the truth?" She sobbed. "'Cause that much is clear!"

"No, that's not it!" I raised my voice to the same level.

Musa's eyes burned into me. Her face was so heartbroken, her eyes deep pools of pain and longing. Longing for the truth. She looked shocked at my sudden violence, and I shrank back, trying to protect her...from me.

"So?" She asked again. "Riven, is there something I should know about? Something you're not telling me?"

I froze. Now was my chance. Musa had set me up perfectly to tell her the truth, to get out what I had to get out. It was a perfect time to tell her everything, all I had to do was answer her question...

I opened my mouth, my voice catching in my throat. "N- No..."

She sighed, and looked away. It was as though she knew what I was trying to say, and knew that I was too weak to tell her. It was as though the sight of me was sickening her. I was sickening myself.

"It's as though something is just preventing me from feeling anything anymore!" My voice sounded strange, foreign. Not like me at all. "I don't know Musa. It's as though something, just...I don't know. Died!"

"Is that it?" She asked in disgust. "I'm just not worth it? I'm not good enough for you?"

"No..." I whined. "No, Musa, it's not like that!"

"Oh really?" She scoffed. "Because that, Riven, is exactly what it sounds like!"

"Look," I argued. "If anything, it's me, okay?"

"No, this...we are so far from okay!"

I sighed and shook my head at her. "Maybe to you. But, as sorry as I am Musa, I can't stay with you. And I can't allow you to screw up your life because of it. This may seem far from okay now, but you've got to trust me when I say that when the pain is over, you'll see things differently. If I stay, you'll never be happy. You deserve so much better."

Musa staggered backwards, falling into a chair. Her head was hung, her gaze focused on the floor, refusing to meet mine. I stood there, not knowing what to do. I had just picked our relationship to pieces, watched it crash down around us, seen the damage a broken heart can do. Musa hadn't moved yet, hadn't looked up. She just sat there, her breathing deep and shaky. Sighing, I walked tentatively towards her. I stopped, right in front of her and paused. I'd done enough damage. But I had to try. I couldn't just walk away and leave things like this. No good story comes to an end without a resolution, and our story together hadn't been a bad one. It just wasn't the right one.

I knelt down in front of her, and lifted her head up until her eyes met mine. I looked deep into them, looked past the tears and the puffiness, into the deep, blue-black depths, overflowing with pain. They burned into me, and I had to look away.

She sniffed, and no longer tried to disguise her tears or pain. "Is this what it's come to?" She sobbed. "You can't even look me in the eye."

I sighed again. That made the guilt so much worse. There was no chance that I would be able to lift my head and show my face again.

"Look at me!" She screamed suddenly.

I pushed my shame aside. Something in her voice made me look up and I watched her intently. I made sure I looked right into her eyes. She frowned, as though she was searching my soul for the answers she so desperately wanted.

"Musa..."

"Just look at me!" She cried.

"I am." I said calmly. "And you know what I see?"

She stared at me coldly, and shook her head. "I don't know. Someone that you can string along for a while? Someone you can lead on up to drop? An easy target?"

"No, Musa." I took her hands, but she snatched them away. That hurt. But I carried on anyway. "I see a strong woman, who has the world before her, her whole life ahead of her. She's brave, smart, and any guy would be lucky to have her. They guy who had her never should have, because he was never good enough for her. And she deserves a true shot at happiness. I see a woman who, even though now she's in pain, will pick herself up, brush herself off, and keep moving forward. Because, wasn't it her who once told an idiotic, pathetic guy who never deserved her that it's not how you fall, but how you get back up, that matters?"

"You didn't mean a word of that." She spat. "If that was what you really though, why leave me now? Why do this to me?"

"Look, I don't know! But I think it's better to tell you now, than hold you back. Musa, I know what a dick I've been. I get that. And I hate myself for this. But how much more cruel would I be if I stayed? If I stayed and let you love me, when really, I don't feel the same anymore? Maybe I used to, but that was a long time ago. Times change, as do people."

"What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?" She cried.

"I don't hate you Musa. But at the same time, I don't truly love you. And you deserve so much better. When I'm gone Musa, you have your whole life ahead of you. A girl like you, she can do so much. You can have it all, Musa!"

She looked up at me, tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks, dripping into her lap. She sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. She pushed me away from her, and I fell backwards in shock, climbing to my feet. Face full of contempt, eyes full of pain. Musa was a sad heap of crushed dreams and heartbreak. She shook her head.

"All I wanted was you!" She cried out, getting up and running out of the room. "All I ever wanted was you!"

"Musa!" I called after her.

"Stay away from me!"

I heard her feet thunder up the stairs. I stayed in the room, not knowing what to do. Then I heard several soft thumps out in the hallway. I peered round the door, and saw a pile of my clothes forming at the bottom of the stairs. Musa was throwing heaps of my stuff down the stairs.

"Musa!" I cried again. "Please...just, calm down!"

"Calm down?" She roared, pausing for a moment, gasping for breath. "Calm down?"

"Please-"

"No! I loved you! You hear me, Riven? I have always loved you, for so long. And there was me, stupid me thinking you felt the same! Why wait until now? If you claim you don't feel anything, why ever pretend? Why?"

"I didn't pretend Musa!" I yelled back. "I told you, things change!"

"Maybe." She said. "But that doesn't change how I feel."

I looked up at her, and she threw the bundle of clothing she held in her hand down at me. I caught it at the last second. I opened my mouth, but she held up her hand.

"Save it Riven." She shot.

"Musa-"

"Get out." Musa spoke quietly.

"What?"

"Get. Out."

I sighed, and gathered my stuff off the floor. I went outside and bundled it all in the car. Then I went up stairs and walked past Musa as quickly as possible, not meeting her eyes. She stood there and stared straight ahead, not even turning around. I went into our room and picked up the last of my things, anything that hadn't been lobbed down the stairs. As I walked by her again, I stopped.

Positioning myself in front of her, I tried one last time. "Musa..."

She just scrunched her eyes tight shut and turned her head away.

Sighing, I began to walk away, to leave. For good. I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned back to her. "Goodbye Musa. I'm truly sorry it had to be this way. So sorry."

And with that, knowing I could do no more, I descended the stairs. That was supposed to be what set me free, so why did I feel so trapped. I wasn't upset that me and Musa were through. Now I could be with Flora, without the constant guilt. But if anything, Musa was still my best friend. That was something which I had now lost. As cold as I may seem, I'm not as bad as people make out. The pain I felt at hurting her was unbearable. But there was nothing left to say. Leaving through the front door and closing it behind me I left my key in the inside lock. I wasn't going back there. What was there to go back to?