DISCLAIMER: WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE.
Tyki075: I have to say before we get started, we do not hate Eren Yeager, he is just a dick in this story and nobody likes him so they are always yelling, "Fuck off Eren!" whenever he draws near, this was, at first, just something to call the story until we came up with a better title but, since we were lazy and couldn't come up with anything and had sort of grown attached to it so we kept it.
Vetus: It will never be anything in my head but, "Fuck Off Eren".
Tyki075: So, no, we do not hate Eren, he is actually my favorite character in the Attack on Titan series (I so ship him and Levi).
Vetus: We changed the rating to M, not because there will be any Lemons, there won't be, but because we curse, A LOT! We have the mouths of a sailor... or two... or fifty-three... or eighty-seven... give or take...
Tyki075: Okay, so, not sure what to address now.
Vetus: Eridan is in this quite a lot so if you don't like him, try changing your mind, or don't read it... but drop a fav anyways... also, if you don't like yaoi or yuri you really shouldn't be reading this... at all... not explicit but still.
Tyki075: We should probably list our ships... later. Anything else that needs saying before we get into it?
Vetus: We'll probably switch POVs of characters and fandoms each chapter... but extra chapters are an exception and, yes, we will have those.
Tyki075: For you Homestuck fans, we won't be using the Troll's typing quirks, unless they are messaging anyone.
Vetus: Next chapter we will see the additions of characters that have been introduced into the A/Ns but first, we need to get information out and, you know... introduce characters.
Tyki075: There are some OCs but THEY ARE NOT MAJOR PARTS, AT ALL, THEY ARE NPCS WHO GIVE OUT QUESTS AND HELP ESTABLISH THE GAME! THEY ARE NOT VERY IMPORTANT... THEY ARE NOT MARY/GARY SUES!... I think I've made my point.
Vetus: If Kirito seems out of character, it's because we love the abridged series by SWEabridged on YouTube, look them up, they are amazing. Also, due to our love of this abridged there are a group of characters who are unable to open the menu, Asuna is in said group, and yes, we know what you're thinking, 'She's supposed to be badass, do you hate Asuna?' First, she is still badass, she just can't open the menu, so she's challenged. And second, just because we treat a character like shit, it does not mean we hate them, it means we love them... Unless you count Filth (Choaji from D. Gray-man), him we hate with a burning fiery passion in a platonic way for you Homestucks.
Tyki075: We hate him so much that not even an quantum super-computer calculating for a thousand years can even approach the amount of hate we hold for him. (This was a quote from the abridged series, yay).
Vetus: If you find mistakes, please tell us and we might get around to correcting it.
Tyki075: No one caught my Homestuck quote in our Info Dump... that I just now realize I didn't actually put in there... now I feel silly. Anywho! Let's get to the story!
Chapter One:
All of the people of the... fandoms received a package containing a strange helmet-like device and a game called, Sword Art Online... or SAO... they were all stupid enough to try it out... things went downhill from there.
Kirito's POV
For some strange reason Kirito had decided to take five completely useless players under his very extensive wing and show them the art of gaming.
"Why are we here?" Karkat Vantas groaned as he feebly swung his sickle.
"Because, Karkat, we just needed another in-game experience after Sburb. Duh!" John Egbert replied gleefully.
"And why, pray tell, are we here Shounen," Tyki Mikk inquired, watching in amusement as a boar rammed John in his 'precious jewels', "I mean, I love gaming as much as the next guy (who doesn't like gaming very much and has never gamed before noting that he is from the 1800s) but must we be here?"
"Well, yeah, we need to know how the game works since our weapons don't work the same way here." Allen Walker explained, hastily dodging a boar after he saw the dismal fate of John.
Kirito sighed and face-palmed as he saw the utter hopelessness of his apprentices. Two of them couldn't even open their menu despite the countless times he had shown them how.
"How do I get a weapon out!" Tyki yelled desperately.
"OPEN YOUR MENU!" Kirito yelled.
"How do I do that?" Tyki said.
"Dear lord, I don't even know where to start with you people," Kirito sighed, then he looked over at his last 'student', who was currently doing what looked sort of like snuggling with the boar, but Kirito assumed that he was actually trying to tackle the thing, "Klein! Will you stop hugging the thing and actually do some damage!"
"I'm trying but the thing won't budge!" Klein whined.
"Open your menu and access your skills!" Kirito yelled.
Everyone, but Tyki and Karkat, did so and cheered when they finally accomplished destroying their boars.
"Karkat! Why aren't you using your skills?!" John yelled as he watched Karkat get chased around by a boar.
"'Cause I don't wanna!" Karkat said.
"You can't open the menu, can you?" Allen sighed.
"Shut up! Who asked you?!" Karkat yelled, "Who are you anyways?!"
"I am the Silver Claw!" Allen announced, hands on hips proudly, his chin raised, "And he is the Lustful Butterfly." He gestured lazily to Tyki (A/N Tyki075: This is a reference to my other fanfiction, When Demigods Meet Exorcists.)
"I don't know what nook sniffing morons your lusus were but I'm Karkat Vantas and that idiot over there is John Egbert." Karkat said.
"Allen! Don't be ridiculous! My name is Tyki Mikk and that is my boyfriend Allen Walker." Tyki said.
"Boyfriend? You guys know each other in real life?" Kirito asked.
"Oh yes, we know each other very well." Tyki purred.
"Tyki!" Allen scolded.
"Are you two together?" Tyki asked.
"I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!" John yelled.
"Sure you're not." Tyki smirked as Karkat face-palmed.
Everyone stopped as they heard a high-pitched screech coming from someone in the group, they all looked over and saw Klein getting chased around by the three boars they had totally forgotten about.
Kirito sighed and decided he was just going to get it over with, he picked up a pebble and, explaining skills as he did so, threw it at one of the boars, killing it, "Now, Mikk and Vantas, you two will take out the last ones!" He instructed.
Tyki and Karkat glanced at each other uncertainly before turning to the boar. Karkat raised his sickle and Tyki... ran in the other direction.
"Tyki! Get back there and face it like a man!" Allen yelled.
"I don't wanna! I wanna be gay and sparkly forever!" Tyki squealed, "Plus, I don't even have a weapon!"
"All players automatically get one!" Kirito yelled.
"Fine! I don't have a weapon I can actually access!" Tyki yelled, still running.
"Try to summon your Tease (A/N Tyki's weapon in D. Gray-man)!" Allen sighed.
Tyki stopped and tried to summon his Tease. Suddenly, a swarm of glowing purple butterflies appeared out of absolutely nowhere (Yes, he kills people with purple butterflies).
"Where the hell did those come from and what the hell do you plan on doing with them!" Kirito yelled and was about to scold Tyki further when the butterflies surrounded one of the boars and by the time they dispersed there was nothing left. Kirito was shocked, and sort of jealous, there were not many beast tamers, "Well, that's one way to do things."
Everyone looked around for the other boar but only saw Karkat glaring at them.
"Karkat? Did you kill the other boar?" Kirito asked slowly.
"Yes, you batshit goddamn shitting fuck on a mountain of incredible stupidity." Karkat scowled.
Everyone gaped at him... other than John, who just face-palmed, "Karkat, don't be so rude." John moaned.
Karkat just snorted and turned away.
"Well, we need to be off, I have to get to... work." Allen said, not totally sure what to say about his job as an Exorcist. He opened the menu and looked towards the log out button but he couldn't fine it, "Um, guys. Where is the log out button?" Allen asked.
Kirito sighed, "You have got to be kidding me..." He opened his own menu but found that the log out button wasn't there, "Um, it's not there."
"So, we're stuck here?!" John gasped.
"No way..." Tyki muttered.
"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!" John yelled.
"Well we cou-" Kirito began but was never able to finish because all of a sudden all of them were transported to the main square in the game.
"What the hell?" Allen asked. All around them there were players and they all looked confused.
Suddenly the sky started bleeding and soon the 'blood' turned into a huge man in a large red cloak, the hood covering his face, (A/N The following dialogue is actual quotes from the anime that we do not own, we will tell you when they stop being direct quotes and some quotes are being said by different characters than in the anime) "Attention, players. Welcome to my world."
"My world?" Kirito asked.
"My name is Kayaba Akihiko. As of this moment, I am the sole person who can control this world." The gamemaker, Kayaba continued.
" Is that really him? He must've spent a lot of time on this." John said in awe.
"I'm sure you've already noticed, that the log out button is missing from the main menu. But this is not a defect in the game…I repeat..this is not a defect in the game. It is a feature of Sword Art Online." Kayaba said.
"A-a feature?" Klein gasped.
"Oooh shit..." Allen muttered (A/N This is our actual dialogue but now we are switching back to dialogue owned by the anime creators)
"You cannot log out of SAO yourselves. And no one on the outside can shut down or remove the NerveGear. Should this be attempted the transmitter inside the NerveGear will emit a powerful microwave, destroying your brain and thus ending your life." Kayaba smirked (I just imagine him smirking at his point).
"What? Enough Already, lets go! Hey I can't get out, whats going on?" Klein yelled.
"WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS!" Kirito yelled (Also our dialogue).
"What's that guy talking about he's gotta be nuts. Right Kirito?" Allen said (We're back to the anime dialogue).
"He's right that the transmitter's signals work just like microwaves. If the safety were disabled it could fry a brain." Kirito explained solemnly.
"Then, if we cut the power…" Allen suggested.
"No, the NerveGear has an internal battery." Kirito said, still looking at Kayaba.
"GOD DAMMIT!" Tyki yelled (Ours).
"But this is crazy. What's going on?" Klein said. (Theirs)
"Unfortunately, several players' friends and families have ignored this warning and have attempted to remove the NerveGear. As a result, two hundred and thirteen players Are gone forever, from both Aincrad and the real world." Kayaba said.
"Two hundred and thirteen killed..." Kirito gasped, shocked.
"As you can see, news organizations across the world, are reporting all of this, including the deaths. Thus, you can assume that the danger, of a NerveGear being removed is minimal. I hope you will relax and attempt to clear the game. But I want you to remember this clearly. There is no longer any method to revive someone within the game. If your HP drops to zero, your avatar will be forever lost. and simultaneously the NerveGear will destroy your brain. There is only one mean of escape. To complete the game. You are presently on the lowest floor of Aincrad, Floor 1. If you make your way through the dungeon and defeat the Floor Boss, you may advance to the next level. Defeat the boss on Floor 100, and you will clear the game."
"Clear?" John gasped.
"What's he talking about?" Karkat scoffed.
"Y-You're just making that up!" Tyki stuttered.
"Clear all 100 floors, that's impossible! The beta testers never made it anywhere near that high!" Klein yelled.
"Finally, I've added a present from to your item storage. Please see for yourself." Kayaba said, gesturing to the crowd.
Everyone opened their inventory and discovered a mirror, when they looked into it everything shone blue and suddenly everyone looked different.
A strange grey person with stubby little orange, yellow, and red horns on their head, and a scowl planted firmly on their face walked up to Kirito, who now looked like he was around twelve with black hair and black eyes, "Who are you?" Kirito asked. (Ours)
"Karkat." The grey person, Karkat, said.
"Dude, I think yours was fucked up..." Kirito said after he figured out that everyone now looked like what they were actually like in the real life.
"Well fuck you too! This is what I look like normally you fleshy little sack of fragility and stupidity!" Karkat snarled.
"WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!" A short person with white hair, silver eyes and a red scar running over his left eye, yelled.
"Allen?" Kirito asked.
"Yep!" Allen said.
"You're so short!" A man with short red hair tied up in a bandanna said.
"... You remind me of someone..." Allen muttered.
"It's Klein." The man, Klein, said.
"What about you?" Kirito asked a boy with shaggy black hair, blue eyes, and glasses.
"Oh, I'm John!" The boy said.
"Where's Tyki?" Kirito asked.
"Over here!" A man with grey skin, black hair pulled back into a ponytail (look up a picture of Tyki Mikk and you'll see, he had sort of short hair but he still manages to pull it into a ponytail... It's so sexy...), gold eyes, and seven crosses on his forehead.
"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GREY PEOPLE?! WAS MINE THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP?!" Kirito yelled. When he looked around he saw even more grey people, most of them had horns like Karkat did, just bigger. Only one grey person didn't have horns and she looked sadistic.
"It's just their species..." John said.
"How?" Klein asked. (We're back to the show's dialogue, and Klein was talking about how they have their actual looks not how they people are grey)
"That scan. The NerveGear covers your entire head with a high-density signaling device. So it can see what our faces look like….but our height and body shape." Kirito said.
"When we first used the NerveGear it has us calibrate it, right? You had to touch your body all over." Klein said, patting himself on his arms and torso (We refuse to say that he touched himself all over...)
"Oh right, that must be where it got the data." Kirito nodded.
"But why, why do all this anyway?" Klein asked.
"I'm sure he'll tell us." Kirito said, pointing at Kayaba.
"Right now, you're probably wondering, 'why'. Why would Kayaba Akihiko, developer of Sword Art Online and the Nerve Gear, do all this? My goal has already been achieved. I created Sword Art Online for one reason. To create this world and intervene in it." Kayaba explained, most likely smirking again... or still.
"Kayaba!" Kirito yelled.
"And now, it is complete. This ends the tutorial for the official Sword Art Online Launch. Good luck players!" Kayaba yelled as he faded away.
Everything was silent... until, "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! THAT VOMIT-INDUCING WRENCHED BILGSACK!" Everyone turned towards Karkat. (Back to ours)
"Karkitty!" A voice from the crowd yelled, it came from a grey person...
Karkat grabbed onto John, "Leaving now!" and rushed out of the square.
All of the grey people with horns, "Dammit, Karkat!"
That's when it dawned on everyone, they were all stuck in this game with no escape unless they beat the entire thing.
"WE'RE FUCKED!" Someone in the crowd yelled.
The End
Tyki075: And there it is, the actual story, not some Info Dump. How was it? It'll probably get better but I thought this was actually a good start.
Vetus: Che, it was totally the best of everything!... Unless you read And Then the Servants Were the Only Sane Ones Left (You can find that on Tyki075's profile, we wrote it together)
Karkat: Pwsh, self promoting much?
Tyki075: Shut up asshole! It was needed!
Vetus: Dammit Karkat! Nobody needs your feedback!
Tyki075: I don't think we actually have any announcements or hilarious conversations to go through today so I think we're done!
Vetus: Yep, pretty much. If you haven't, go watch Sword Art Online abridged by SWEabridged... and if you have the time watch the Attack on Titan abridged by Professional Failures. It's on YouTube as well.
Tyki075: Well, that's it! Fav, follow, review, point out our imminent mistakes, etc! Squadala!