There were huge blanks in his memory, all he knew was that he kept waking up to a world of unbelievable pain and nausea and worry, where he was being kept alive with drugs and drips and he couldn't remember what had happened and why he was so worried about Molly and he wasn't sure where he was, he didn't know where she was and even though people kept telling him not to worry, he knew they were wrong.
The first good day he had was when the nurse told him there was someone waiting for him to wake up and that she had been there all night and he looked through the glass and saw her anxious little face break into a smile and they let her in . She had Smurf with her, but he had no clue what he had said to him he just wanted him to go, Smurf was not high on his list of priorities at that time, he just wanted to be alone with Molly. They were only alone for a few minutes when Rebecca and Sam arrived, he was weary of trying to put on an act for Sam, not that he didn't want to see him, he did, but you can't let a small boy like him see their Dad in pain and sick, so he wished Rebecca would take Sam away and let him be honest as to how he felt to Molly and let her comfort him, however selfish that was. Her comfort was what he wanted most in the world. Instead of that Molly left, she was obviously uncomfortable around Rebecca, and he wanted to cry.
It was afternoon when she came back, she had to go to barracks with the rest so she came to see him before she left, sitting on his bed and holding his hand, so he tried to explain about Rebecca, that they were long over and that Rebecca had wanted him to leave the army, but he hadn't wanted to. She tried to apologise to him for his being shot on that bridge, but he had to make her understand that it wasn't her fault, none of it was her fault, it had been his responsibility to keep her safe, keep them all safe and he had fucked up, risked her life, risked all their lives and because of that he was going to resign his commission, leave the army. He wanted her to understand that she had changed his life, that she was way more important to him than the army but he didn't know if he had made much sense, he was still feeling very weak and weary, but he did know that they didn't have to wait out any more.
He had phoned her to invite her to Bath for a proper date, just the two of them, no Kinders, no Smurf, no 2 section, just them, on their own and she had said yes, and he had then gone through agonies of doubt, would she turn up? would she still want to be with him? would they still like each other? The day of the date went by agonisingly slowly, he was back to being the nervous fifteen year old going out on his first date with his major crush, in fact when he looked back, he had spent most of the last seven months in a state of nervous anticipation and today was the day he was finally going to have her all to himself, even if it was in a crowded restaurant, and he couldn't wait. He got there far too early and had to sit and wait for ages, getting more and more nervous as he convinced himself that she wasn't going to turn up. In the end she was slightly late, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered as soon as she walked into that restaurant and he saw her beautiful, happy smile and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loved her and that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together and that he had never been happier in his life. He couldn't actually remember what they had talked about, he knew he had told her his name and more importantly that he loved her, apart from that they had been having two conversations, the more important one without any words at all, just with their eyes.
She stayed the night with him and it was, quite literally, the best night of his life. It was the culmination of months of longing and making love to her was the magic experience he had always dreamed it would be. He hardly slept even though he was exhausted, he just wanted to watch her sleep next to him, he had always thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and had dreamed of her being in his bed whilst they were in the FOB, but the reality totally surpassed that dream. She was a bit overawed by his parent's house until he joked that he was a squatter who was free-loading off them and she giggled. They made plans to repeat the whole experience the following weekend, only this time she wouldn't book a Travelodge, no need, she would come to the house and they would go out and do something, or stay in, depending on his leg and then spend the night there, and for the first time he was secure in his conviction that nothing could stop this relationship developing the way he had longed for when they were in Afghan, that they were starting to build a future together, one step at a time, a future he was ecstatic about.
He was wrong, it never happened, he lost her!
Smurf dropped dead while he was with her in London and everything went to shit. She was suddenly completely out of his reach, locked in deep distress and so distant at Smurf's funeral that it was breaking his heart, it was as if the night they had spent together had never happened, and he didn't know why . She had already signed up to go back to Afghan, which he remembered saying was a good idea when they were eating in a restaurant, but was a totally different proposition now it was happening, and he knew he had lost her, and he had never told her what was in his heart. He had thought he had all the time in the world to tell her how he felt and then it was all gone, so he decided to write to her and tell her how he felt, not to change anything but just to stop the pain of never having said the things he felt, the 'if onlys'.
Dear Molly,
We didn't talk much last time I saw you, it was all so sad, and I couldn't find the right words, and I'm sorry about that. First of all, I love you, I fell in love with you way back when we were at the FOB, in fact I think I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you and I miss you dreadfully and I am totally sad that I'll miss you for the rest of my life, because you won't be here. There will be a Molly shaped hole in my life forever.
I know that I got it wrong, that I didn't let you see what you meant to me when we were on tour, that I put stupid rules and regulations ahead of my feelings for you so that I didn't give off the right signals to let you know how important you were or rather are to me and that I freaked you out when we got home because I was so desperate to make up for lost time. The night you stayed with me was the best night of my life and I wish I had gathered the courage to tell you all this to your face. There is no need for you to reply or feel guilty or anything, I just wanted you to know the things that are in my heart and that I was too much of a coward to tell you back then.
Please take care of you, I want to be able to think of you as healthy and happy, and most of all, safe, I will never forget you.
Charlie xx
She came back to me and I was right, we will spend the rest of our lives together, I love her.
Authors notes: I have loved writing this, I am sorry that we have reached the end. Thanks for all your reviews, they are lovely and they make all the difference. I would love to know what you think of the last chapter, I am especially keen to know what you think of his letter, it occurred to me that he had never told her anything that he felt, except for telling her he loved her, once. New story starting probably Saturday, so will be back!