This is your NEW school
All characters mentioned in this(except ones that I made up)belong to Rockstar Games. I do not make
money off of this.
Contains slightly worse language than in the game and sexuality. – XX-THIRST
…Chapter 6: Lionel's Resurrection
The "corpse" suddenly began to chuckle and then rose from the floor. They screamed again. Lionel laughed even harder.
" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You fell for it! You actually fell for it you imbecilic peons! ". He peeled off what was half of a rubber knife as he continued to laugh.
By now Simon had fainted into Gary's arms, who was frozen still and open mouthed. Jimmy stomped towards Lionel, fists clenched hard, like rocks.
" Out! Beat it four eyes! Or in your case, with glasses that thick, eight eyes ".
" Only someone with a brain as tiny as yours could conceive a mundane insult like that. And I don't even wear glasses, remember ? ".
" He's got you there Jim " chimed in Gary.
Lionel snapped back " As if you're any smarter than he is! I think Jimmy's neanderthal intellect is starting to rub off on you ".
Gary dropped Simon like a hot potato and charged full speed ahead, ploughing into both Lionel and Jimmy. The three boys became a tangle of flying punches and kicks and eventually rolled out into the hallway, still fighting. Every boy in the dorm heard the commotion and their curiosity lead them out of their rooms and into the hall to witness the fight. They cheer, hollered, and shouted. However, someone bumped into another by accident which soon lead to an all-out testosterone induced brawl with Jimmy, Gary and Lionel right in the thick of it. The group later heard the sounds of whistles being blown and everyone scattered like ants.
" This isn't over!" shouted Lionel dramatically, as he scrambled to his feet and ran away. Jimmy began to yell profanities back at him, but stopped when he saw the approaching hall monitors. He grabbed Gary , rushed into their room and slammed the door shut. As they caught their breath, Simon awoke from his fainting spell.
" My goodness! I thought for sure that I had popped the twig!".
" What did I tell you Jimmy? Dork talk. Now everyone shut up, I'm trying to listen to what's going on outside".
Gary pressed his ear against the door. He could hear the screams of boys as they were dragged away by shouting hall monitors. He shook his head as he turned to face the other two and said " Sounds pretty nasty out there. You'll probably have to hunker down with us for the night Simon. You can sleep on the floor ".
" Where on the floor?".
" Any damn where on the floor ".
"But the blood-!".
Gary sighed. With an index finger, he wiped up a small glob of the red gunk and stuck it in his mouth.
" Just corn syrup and fruit punch mix , you dweeb ".
Jimmy, with a grimaced face, mumbled " Lionel was just lying in that stuff ".
" Wha? Oh shit! Bleh! ".
Gary began franticly disinfecting his tongue with his shirt sleeve.
Jimmy slept with the sheets pulled over his head. Things had calmed down and Simon had left for his dorm room a few hours ago. But he couldn't sleep and when he reached for his alarm clock, he groaned at time display. 3:14 am. He threw it upon the floor and tossed and turned around in his bed for about a minute. What was keeping him awake? Worried that his mom hadn't contacted him since Christmas? Wondering what Zoe was up to? Or maybe it was Gary's obnoxious snoring that sounded like a congested buffalo in a wind tunnel. Jimmy was ready to march over and clonk him on the head when the snoring ceased.
' Ugh, finally…wait, what's he-?'.
Gary stopped snoring, but now he had risen from the bed and was pacing around the room, humming an odd tune. He noticed Jimmy staring at him. He smiled and sat down next to Jimmy. He slowly rocked from side to side, all the while still smiling and humming.
' Oh geez… what the hell is his problem? '.
Jimmy racked his brain for a possible answer. He remembered two of the medications on the list he was given. Blissaform, a mood softener and Frolictrexamene, a drug used to treat Schizophrenia. He wasn't sure exactly what to do, so he just sat and let Gary hum away.
" You know Jimmy….I used to have a girlfriend when I was twelve…." Gary said in a strange wispy voice.
" Really? ".
" Yeah…Sandy McBride. She and I used to date. Nice chick…her parents didn't like me though. They said that I was weird and I would probably grow up to be either a dope dealer, a psyche war patient or a sleazy lawyer ".
' The McBrides weren't too far off '.
" The break-up was kind of bad. She told me she couldn't see herself marrying a guy who was on fifty six medications".
"Ouch".
" Oh I didn't really mind much. We were just two very different people".
" You're pretty doped up aren't you?".
" Reeeeeelaaax Jimmy. Hmm, hmm, hmm . I haven't dated anyone since then though. Girls don't really like me much".
" No. Really? I'm shocked" said Jimmy, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
" Hard to believe isn't it? I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm nice. Hmmmmm, I'm kind of tired Mommy".
" Uh….Gary?".
Gary had toppled over, fast asleep. Jimmy sighed, picked him up and tucked him back into bed. As he stood over him, shaking his head , Jimmy whispered
" What a sorry son-of-a-bitch ".
6:30 am, Friday morning. Jimmy awoke to his bed violently shaking. He quickly sat up, yelling " What the hell? ".
Gary was jumping up and down at the end of Jimmy's bed.
He gleefully screamed " I've got it! I've got it! I'm a genius! I figured it out! I have the most brilliant, most scintillating plan to defeat Pizza Face at the spelling bee!".
" Good for you. Now get off my damn bed!".
Gary giggled ferociously as he leapt off. He dove under his own bed and pulled out a small, rectangular book. He threw it Jimmy, almost hitting him in the face. Jimmy picked up the book and read the title aloud.
" 'Sniglits?' What are we gonna do, beat Lionel over the head with the book? Although that's not a bad idea….".
" No, pea brain. That's not it at all. I've been observing Lionel the entire time I've been at this dump and I've finally figured it out. Heh, heh, heh, he's good at spelling and all, but here's his weakness. He can't spell any word he hasn't heard or read before ".
" Really? Huh, well , what do you know. But how is this book going to help? ".
" Sniglets are made up words".
" How do you know he hasn't read the book?"
" Trust me, I know. He hates made up words. That and this is a really old book from the eighties, he only just turned thirteen two weeks ago and has probably never heard of it ".
"Daaamn! He looks pretty bad for thirteen!".
" Son-of-a-bitch is at our grade level too. But where was I going with this? Oh yes! My plan is to switch the spelling bee word list when no one's looking ".
" And how do you plan to do that?".
" That's where you and Simon come in. One of you will distract the judges and audience and the other will switch the sheets".
He crawled under his bed again and dragged out a thick stack of paper. He walked over and plopped it into Jimmy's lap. Looking at the sheets, He noticed that ,while Gary's cursive signature looked like b.s , his print was impeccable. He read some of the words.
"Ancinemation?".
" The curious act of waiting in line to see a movie and watching exiting movie goers' reactions to see if they liked the movie or not" .
" Dunkinhackin ? ".
" The violent coughing attack caused by inhaling the dust on a powdered donut ".
" Hystioblogination ? ".
" The act of trying to identify a gift by holding it to your ear and shaking it ".
" You know all these? ".
" Yep. Memorized them by heart ".
" You've had too much free time on your hands".
BAM! BAM! Someone was pounding on the door. Jimmy got out of bed and answered the door. A tall hall monitor with curly blonde hair and a large bosom stood before him.
" Phone call for Mr. Hopkins" she said, handing him a small, black cell phone. He held the phone up to his ear.
" Hello?".
" Jimmy! Oh Jimmy, I was so worried about you! I just heard about the school fire!"
"…..Mom? ".
" Who the hell else? But never mind. When I got the news, I thought I'd faint! You didn't get hurt or anything did you , baby?".
" Nope. But it sure took you long enough to call. The fire was almost a week ago ".
" I'm on my honeymoon Jimmy. I'm a busy woman. And you know how bad the reception is out here in the middle of the Atlantic ".
" I can hear you perfectly fine right now".
"…. we're closer to land honey ".
" Sure. How's…uh…what's his name?".
" That would be Rodney Clemmons. And he has just been marvellous this whole cruise. Ah, he makes me feel twenty again".
Jimmy groaned and listened as she rambled on for ten minutes about all his romantic gestures and their vacation exploits.
" Mom…okay Mom…..MOM!"
" What is it? ".
" Yeah. That's nice and all. Don't you want to know what I've been doing for the past year ?".
" Hmm? Oh! Right, right. Go ahead ".
" Well, I made friends with a loser and a psycho, I got a girlfriend and I was almost expelled from school again ".
" Jimmy!".
" ALMOST. I said almost. Everything worked out. Then that fire happened and now I'm at Brat-Hog academy. I'm rooming with the same psychopath ".
" I ANI'T NO PYSCHOPATH!" Gary screamed at the top of his lungs. He was standing right behind Jimmy while holding an open bottle of mouth wash." What'chu say'in bout me Jim? Damn dog! Dat's cold ".
" Who's that? ".
" No one Mom. Just a moron "said Jimmy, pushing Gary away with his hand, "who gets off on annoying people ".
" I AIN'T GO'IN BACK TO JAIL!". Gary drank from the bottle and threw it onto the floor. He then proceeded to flash gangster hand signals .
" Gary, cut it out!".
" Please do restrain yourself Mr. Smith" the hall monitor,Misstress Sheila Brown, said calmly, but sternly.
"Jimmy, what the hell is going on there?"
" Nothing Mom".
" Well anyway, I should probably tell you that your new stepfather and I are going on our second honey moon ".
"But I thought you were only going away for a year ".
" Yes, well, plans do change Jimmy. Rodney was just promoted at his job and he's going to be doing a lot of travelling, so I'm going to travel the world with him. Ah, isn't it romantic? ".
" Mom, he's a phony. You know you're just his trophy wife. Just like with Ken. And Frank. And Igor. And-".
" Enough! Can't you just be happy for me? Is that too much to ask? God, I swear sometimes I wish that…never mind. I can see where this is leading. You love starting fights with me".
" Whatever. Have fun with husband number five ".
Just before the line cut off, Jimmy could hear husband number five say " What did that brat say to get you in a snit?" in the background. He sighed heavily and handed the cell phone back to Mistress Sheila Brown. She gave him an envelope in return (which had obviously been opened).
" A letter for you Mr. Hopkins. In case you were wondering, we check all incoming and outgoing mail and omit any use of profanity ".
Jimmy looked at the return address. It was from Zoe. He hurriedly removed the letter from the envelope.
Dear Jimmy,
I would've called, but our phone service was shut off since someone (younger siblings making prank calls to China) ran up a big *** bill.
Anyhow, I bugged the **** out of Crabblesnot at the hospital for the school address and here we are, I'm writing you a ******* letter.
Where was I going with this ****? Oh, right, well, right now I just started at both a piece of **** public school and part-time job in Bushy
Hills (it's about two miles from Blue Skies). I'm working at ' The Burger Butt', which is a greasy **** hole filled with teenagers who want to
kick my ******* ***. Bushy Hills High is the school I'm going to and it's also a greasy **** hole filled with teenagers who want to kick my
******* ***. Instead of cliques, there's gangs here. It's pretty ******* rough here, but I get to fight every day and it's ******* *****
*** awesome ******! I really wish you were here to beat up some **** faced ***** with me. I did go on a date with this red vested dude
called Scrub, but it's not really the same as being with you. Yeah, I went out with another guy. You can date all the chicks you want there at
Brat-Hog, I don't give a ****. But if you go any further than hand holding with them, I'm going to **** your *** up so **** hard that you'll
******* **** ****** ******* out of your ******* , so don't be a ****** ******** and start ******* those ******* *****,******,
****** ********* *****. If I ****** ****** ***** **** ************ ****** ***, you ****** ******** *** , *************
*** ****** *** fart sideways. Hope you got all that ,you ****** ******* **** sucker.
Sincerely,
Zoe.
" Are you quite done Mr. Hopkins? ".
" Yes Ma'am. Is there anything else ?".
" No Mr. Hopkins. You are now dismissed Mr. Hopkins ". She turned and walked away in an almost robotic like manner. Jimmy watched her go down the hall, her long blonde curls bobbing up and down. He returned to the dorm to find Gary not only fully dressed, but also singing (off key) into a hairbrush. Jimmy ignored him as he put his clothes on. When done with that, he looked down at his watch and cussed. 7:32 am.
" Come on, let's get going, I don't wanna miss breakfast".
" Right behind you Jim!" said Gary, picking up a large brown paper bag ,stuffed to the brim with medications, off the floor. It rattled to high hell with every step he took. " Oh, don't mind my little outburst while you were on the phone, that wasn't really mouth wash, only water. I'm not allowed to have mouth wash ".
" Yeah, crazy Gary and doped up Gary are bad enough, I'd hate to see drunk Gary ".
Later, sitting down to breakfast in their usual spot with Simon, they explained the plan to him. Simon lectured Gary on the evils of cheating and dishonesty. Gary lectured Simon on the evils of being a dingus and a snot-nosed jerk and that he would weld his asshole shut if he didn't help. And that was promise. Simon quickly gave in to Gary's threat.
" So you got it? Jimmy's going to throw a rock through one of auditorium windows. During the commotion, you switch the spelling bee sheets and slip away unnoticed. Okay?".
Simon nodded in agreement.
" But… I really don't feel comfortable with this whole thing. It's a very horrid form bullying I say!".
" Come on, you know Lionel is a pompous and arrogant douche bag. Everyone, including you, hates him".
" Well, I wouldn't say I care for him all that much, but-".
" Great, so you're in. Now let's eat, I'm starving for my mush pile".
Phew! It's done, I'm not writing anymore for today. You'll just have to wait and see what happens in the next chapter. –XX-THIRST
Oh, in case you were wondering:
Sniglets: Sniglet is a neologism, popularized by comedian/actor Rich Hall during his tenure on the 1980s HBO comedy series Not Necessarily the News. Each episode of the monthly series featured a regular segment on sniglets, which Hall described as "any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should". Hall's own sniglets, along with submissions by fans, were compiled into several books, starting with Sniglets and More Sniglets.