After that visit to Petra , they felt enlightened with joy streaming in them.
They were at their special dorm. At their bunkroom, Jean was already there. Armin sat reading a book, not bothering anyone. Eren drank a glass of water for the sake of getting rid of a heartburn.
Quietness roamed around their busy yet silenced minds, until Jean blurted out ''I don't know what is the worst , shitty titans, studying at school or being a roommate with Eren shitty Jaeger.'' He sat at the corner of the room in his usual position, laying his cheek on his palm elbowing the ebony table and fiddling with a pen in his other hand, trapped between a distasteful look at everything and a sigh showing every meaning of boredom. Suddenly, his vision fell onto a paper '' Not again!'' he snapped, clutching the paper which was basically a mail letter from his mother to him. ''Ah…when will my foolish mother ever stop treating me as a shitty snot-nosed child…?!''
...mother...
Eren forgot the insult that Jean threw on him a minute ago, only the word mother escaping through his ears and echoing in his mind as if his perception of speech was lost and only processed that word, a resonant image of a dire memory arose and struck his heart. Eren immediately felt an outburst of anger, and a grief of some sort.
He advanced towards jean and grabbed his shirt tightly by the collar, his words clouded with range gradually rising ''Don't you ever realize the meaning of a mother ..?!'' . A glint of wrath was congested in Eren's eyes, he thrust him away as if he was a stacked trash bag, Jean nearly recoiled.
Eren jabbed a finger pointing at him , looking him in the eye in direct contempt, his voice bristled with indignation, ''you know what Jean, you sure are a shallow person, always bragging about yourself while taunting whom you have in your life. I guess a boastful person like you would never even behold the worth of his mother in the slightest !''
There was a plain chasm between their ways in perceiving life and people around them.
Eren stormed, drawing himself out of the door and slamming it shut. He felt disappointed and shattered. Eren thought him as a scum. Armin felt helpless for Eren's pain, he explained to Jean:
'' you tugged at his heartstrings, when mentioning your mother, you brought back to him bitter memories of losing his own'' ,with a serious voice wrapped in hesitation, Armin added ''..Um..Jean, ..that was definitely not a way to talk about your mother…''
Jean sat there utterly dumbfounded after feeling what bullshit he caused; a rising poignant memory of a mother's death.
Armin followed Eren, he sympathized with him and tried to help, '' Eren-''
As soon as he spoke, Eren cut him off, ''I am fine Armin, please…. I just want some time to be alone, nothing else..'' he replied plaintively without turning his back to face his friend. When he was sure that Armin went away and the sound of his footsteps became lower, Eren continued walking through the corridor until he reached a quiet place. He sat himself in the farthest corner possible, a one quiet enough not to be noticed. He slouched in the corridor corner. He can't possibly blame jean for his real past pain, it wouldn't even help to pour all his anger on him. He didn't mean to evoke any memory, that stupid Jean was just trying to goad him as often, but his speech somehow unintentionally erupted sad pain of the past .
Eren was silent from the outside, but from the inside, his heart shrieked with pain. Some of his piece of mind and hope were dashed. The memory roaring down in every inch of his mind and therefore every inch of his body shuddered, loads of bitterness fell on his heart enough to decimate it. He abhorred the perpetual memory of that titan devouring his mother. What called for his wonder was how he hadn't already become deranged from that loathsome incident.
Eren's heart was afflicted, it sank in memory, as well as his face…drowned in tears..how could he not ? because losing a mother would never be easy for any person in the world..
He raised his wrist to wipe away his tears, but instead, it only caused him to sob more heatedly…because that old blouse he was wearing now was made by her..his mother's scent still on it..forcing him to smell it whenever he inhales the air from sobs. He clenched his hands tightly and slunk himself not to be seen or heard. He was limitlessly exasperated. He strongly wants to bombard those bastard titans cold-bloodedly. His feelings always get the better of him making him carried away whether in excitement, anger or even woe like this…
Although He was aware that it was not the time to break down, he groaned, ''I promised myself, and I promise younow mother, I will kill those titans with my bare hands..'' his speech broken through sobs ''till the last one of them… even if it would cost me my life…''
For him, he would fight titans' attack but not handle a sum of grief memories attacking his heart till it mourns .He slowly stood up, walking through tense steps…
Good thing he still had his father and friends who are more like a family to distract him enough from dreary thoughts and daze.
He then remembered that he was not the only one who lost a family member, his friends also shared the same pain. let alone his parents, Armin also lost his grandfather, and Mikasa lost her parents too. They all shouldered each other in order to overcome hardships of life and go on. They are a remedy for each other and he will never deny or forget that.
Mother…..Friends….Family….
Note: I am so sorry for making this chapter sad, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to write about what I understood and learned from shingeki no kyojin. It really opened up my mind to more important things and made me contemplate about life. It made me more affectionate and value family, friends and soldiers more and more… This Anime is just…. So full of feels :,( my heart watched this anime more than my eyes did..