Thursday 11:12 am

Mount Sinai Hospital

Beckett entered the lobby and started for the elevator banks in the rear. Halfway there she heard a familiar voice yell "Hey Beckett!" She looked up to see Ryan exiting the elevators she was headed for. She thought, 'You know you're having a crappy day when one of your favorite people in the world greets you, and your first thought is 'Oh shit!''

Ryan was talking on the phone as he approached, looking at the floor. "No, don't take the subway, I'm on my way there now … Sure! We can come back together, then go to your appointment from here … okay, listen, I gotta go. I want to talk to Beckett … I love you too …..See you then. Bye." He hung up the phone and started, "Hey, Boss, I'm j …" Ryan stopped, a shocked look on his face.

No wonder he's shocked, thought Beckett, I probably look sixty. I feel one hundred. She asked, "How's Esposito?"

Ryan shrugged, a little embarrassed to be caught gaping. "Javi is Javi. He's a little out of it, but he's still giving the nurses a hard time."

"Well, if Lanie catches him, she has access to lots of sharp objects."

Ryan grinned. "Oh, good. You got a hold of her?"

Beckett nodded. "She was planning on coming back tomorrow anyway, so I told her there was no hurry. But you know Lanie! I expect she'll get back sometime today."

Ryan asked, more seriously, "And Mrs. R?"

Beckett grimaced. "Her off-Broadway show must be way off Broadway, because she was somewhere in the far north of Wisconsin. Her plane will land in about an hour."

"And Little Castle?"

Beckett massaged her forehead with her right hand. "She's in Paris with her Mom. I didn't get her on the phone until four this morning. I don't know when she'll get here." She looked at Ryan, her expression bleak. "She hung up on me, Kevin."

"Hey, Boss, Alexis is smart. She'll figure it out, eventually. It wasn't your fault!"

Suddenly, Beckett was furious with Ryan, with everybody. Why didn't anybody 'get it'? She had expected Ryan, at least, to understand. "How in the HELL wasn't it my fault, Ryan? It was MY plan. Mine! MY decision. I'm the one that pushed for us to go in. ME! Not Esposito. Not you. Not Demming. Not … him. ME! I'm the one that lost tactical awareness." She was yelling at Ryan like a crazy woman, but she could no more stop these words then she could stop a wave from breaking on the beach. "The list of my screw-ups is long and impressive. I did not wait long enough to gather meaningful intel. I dragged an untrained civilian and three outgunned teammates into a firefight with an unknown number of hostiles with explosives, grenades, and AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. AUTOMATIC FUCKING SHOTGUNS. I didn't clear the rooms to our rear. I didn't wait for ESU. I didn't ask the feds for help. I didn't wait until we had a tactical or strategic advantage. I WALKED US ALL INTO A SLAUGHTER HOUSE."

By now, everybody in the lobby had stopped to stare at Beckett. A hospital security guard started walking towards them. Beckett continued, her eyes blazing. "SO PLEASE STOP TELLING ME IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I'll tell you what. The next time we go up against five homicidal psychos armed to the teeth, you can call in Jenny for backup! That would work! She's smart! She doesn't need training, she'll pick it up! But until that happens, please STOP! I am SICK of people telling me IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

Ryan grabbed Beckett's elbow in a 'come-along' grip and steered her into a deserted alcove to the side, flashing his badge around. Beckett's tirade had wound down, and now she was staring at others around her, looking like she wanted to tear someone's head off. The burly security guard took one look at her and veered off towards the exit.

They stopped in the alcove, and Beckett finally focused on Ryan. The younger detective looked completely crushed. A wave of guilt washed over Beckett. Here she was, standing with one of the very few people she loved unconditionally, who still loved her, and she had just unloaded on him. Big time. She was SUCH a fuck-up.

She closed her eyes to try to stop the tears from leaking, but was too late. She stood there quivering, her arms at her side, digging her fingernails into her palms, trying to keep it together. She could feel the rigid control that she'd maintained since the raid start to slip. "I can't do this anymore, Kevin" she whispered. Her voice sounded like it used to when she was a little girl.

She felt Ryan's arms encircle her, his chin on her shoulder. He murmured, "I'm here Kate" and she completely lost it. Huge, wracking sobs emerged from deep down in her soul. She threw her arms around Ryan and held on for dear life.

She wept. Then she wept some more. She could … not … stop … crying. Every time she thought she'd gained even a modicum of control, a new surge of grief engulfed her. Her face was buried in Ryan's now sodden shoulder, and she couldn't catch her breath. She thought back to what … he … had said yesterday. 'Even when the world, as she knew it, was burnt to ashes.'

Was that just yesterday? It seemed a long time ago. It was, in fact, a lifetime ago. His life. Her life. All now ashes. She wasn't crying for today's loss. Or, not just for today's loss. She was crying because she had lost all her tomorrows.

Whoever had said that crying was supposed to make you feel better was an idiot.

Her tears and gasps finally tapered off. She felt like she'd been weeping for hours. She put her hands on Ryan's shoulders and pushed off to step back, the air feeling like a cool breeze on her wet face. She grinned wryly at him, noting the tear tracks down his face. Well, he was certainly a subdued cryer, because she had neither heard nor felt him. She sniffed, took a huge breath, blew it out through pursed lips, and said, "Wow."

"Yeah" agreed Ryan. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, offering it to Beckett.

She shook her head. "No, you go ahead."

He reached into a back pocket, and pulled out another one. "I have two." He started wiping his cheeks.

She took the handkerchief, wiped her eyes, then blew her nose. She said the first thing that came to her mind. "You carry two handkerchiefs? You are SUCH a boy scout." Her smile, though small, was the first smile she'd worn in forever.

He shrugged, a similar tiny smile gracing his face. He said, "Sorry, boss, but I have to run. I'm picking up Jenny and then we're coming back here. I'll see you soon?"

Beckett nodded and tried to hand him back his handkerchief. He scowled and said, "I don't think so."

She nodded, and stuffed the hanky in her pocket. "Ok. I'll see you upstairs." She turned to find a Ladies Room.