"We should just board the plane without them," declared Poison Ivy, glancing at her watch as she sat in the airport with Two-Face, Crane and Tetch. "They're gonna make us miss the flight."
"Unfortunately, Joker booked the tickets," retorted Tetch. "So we actually can't board without him and Harley. Have you tried calling them, Pamela?"
"Yeah, neither of them is answering," said Ivy.
"They do know the flight is today, and in about an hour?" asked Crane.
"I assume so, if J booked the tickets," retorted Ivy. "What if we just bought some new ones?"
"The flight's full," muttered Two-Face. "I already asked the attendant. We'd have to wait until tomorrow to get another one. Try calling them again, Pam."
Ivy sighed, pulling out her phone. "Afternoon, fellow travelers!" chuckled a familiar voice, suddenly. "Or should that be top of the morning to ye?"
"That's Irish, not English," snapped Crane, glaring at Joker as he strode over to them, Harley dragging two large suitcases after them.
"Yes, and don't confuse the two in England," said Tetch. "You're liable to get beaten up. Have you got the tickets, Joker?"
"Of course I got the tickets!" he chuckled, reaching into his jacket pocket and handing them out. "Wouldn't wanna spoil this little adventure before it's even begun!"
"Harley, what are you wearing?" asked Ivy, staring at her red and black halter dress, sandals, hat, and sunglasses.
"Just a little something I picked up for the vacation, Red!" replied Harley. "Ain't it pretty?" she asked, doing a twirl.
"You do know that the weather in England is almost universally cold, gray, and rainy, right?" asked Ivy.
Harley frowned. "No. What kinda vacation destination is cold, gray, and rainy?!"
"This isn't a vacation, Harley – it's an errand," snapped Tetch. "But it's fine – they sell warm clothes in England, since I assume you haven't packed any."
"Let's just dump the bags and head to security," said Two-Face. "It's gonna take us forever to get through. They always search me – I dunno which one of my faces they don't trust."
"Oh, they'll hold the plane, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "They wouldn't dare leave without me! C'mon, Harley!"
She dragged the bags over to the counter. "Uh…did you pack your luggage yourself?" asked the attendant.
"No, Harley did," retorted Joker. "What kinda person do you think I am, packing my own luggage? Why do you think I keep her around if not for mundane crap like that?"
"Uh…and are there any of these prohibited items in your luggage?" continued the attendant, gesturing to the sign.
Joker scanned the sign. "Harley, you'll need to remove the fireworks. And the poisons. And the gasoline. And the corrosive acid. And the guns…you really want those in the hand luggage?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, I always carry a few on me just in case, but we've put the bigger ones in the suitcases."
"Um…guns are actually…banned…on flights now," whispered the attendant.
"Right, banned," said Joker, nodding and winking. "Ok, sweetheart, I get it. Here's fifty bucks so Harley don't have to unpack all our stuff," he said, shoving some bills on the counter.
The attendant stared at him. "Um…actually…"
"Yeah?" said Joker, smiling, but she noticed his hand reaching for the gun in his jacket pocket.
"Actually, that's fine," she said, hastily. "I'll just take care of those, sir – why don't you head to security?"
"Is there a special security line for celebrities so we don't have to wait with the masses?" asked Joker.
"I'm…afraid not," she stammered. "But first class passengers can go through security over there," she said, pointing.
"Well, that's me!" he chuckled.
"No, it's not – you've got economy tickets…" she began.
"That's me, sweetheart," interrupted Joker. "Isn't it?"
"Er…yes," she said, as he reached for his gun again. "Just over there, Mr. Joker, sir."
"Wait, they don't want plants in the luggage either?" asked Ivy, reading the sign. "Well, they're gonna be disappointed, because that's mostly what mine is. And if they try to remove my babies without my permission, my babies are gonna strangle them."
"It's their own fault for being nosy and going through your luggage," said Joker. "Honestly, what kinda world are we living in when a guy can't even bring a few corrosives and poisons with him, just for funsies?"
Of course the moment Joker went through the metal detector at the security checkpoint, he set it off. The man on duty's face paled when he saw who it was. "Um…could you please step over here, sir?" he whispered. "I just need to search you…"
"Ok, but if you're gonna grope me, you'd better buy me dinner first!" chuckled Joker. "I don't let just any guy stick his hand down my pants, y'know! You might find a surprise in there waiting for you!"
The guard looked at him. "Just go through, sir," he said, realizing that keeping his job wasn't worth whatever the Joker was going to put him through.
"That's a smart man!" laughed Joker. "But now I'm gonna have to make someone else find the surprise in my pants. Harley, c'mere! Feel around in there, would ya?"
"Sir, this coin is interfering with the metal detector," said the security guard who was searching Two-Face. "You'll have to put it in your luggage…"
Two-Face grabbed it back from him. "You're not taking my coin away from me," he hissed. "I need it on me at all times!"
"It'll just be for a moment while you walk through the gate…" began the guard.
"It stays with me or I use it to scoop out your eyeball!" roared Two-Face.
The guard suddenly agreed with his co-worker. "Just go through, sir," he sighed.
"Aw, c'mon, Harley!" shouted Joker. "You're grabbing everything else but the surprise! Here, I'll get it," he said, dropping his pants and bending over to remove a small vial of Joker toxin attached to the inside zipper. "You press this button on top here and it releases the gas – it was gonna be Death by Pants! A hilarious way to go! But you ruined the joke!"
"Sorry, puddin'," said Harley, but in actuality, seeing Joker with his pants down and getting to feel around his crotch was really not something she was sorry about.
"Just put your pants back on, J," snapped Ivy, covering her eyes.
"We're not even on the flight yet," muttered Tetch. "And I'm already regretting the decision to let any of them come with me."
"Well, it's a bumpy start, but maybe things will improve as the trip progresses," said Crane, with more confidence than he felt.
They were ushered onto the plane, which was ready to depart, and the stewardess helped them find their seats. "These are ours!" said Joker, cheerfully, grabbing a couple of people in first class and lifting them out of their spacious chairs. "Get your own seats and stop stealing ours!"
Both the stewardess and passengers decided it was best not to argue, and grudgingly headed for economy class, while the clowns lounged on the bed-like seats in first class. Ivy and Two-Face applied a similar scare tactic when they saw the comparison in seats and leg room between first and economy class.
"Should we also threaten people and steal their seats?" asked Crane.
"No, I hate causing unnecessary fuss," sighed Tetch.
"Then these were the wrong people to travel with," retorted Crane, as they took their allocated seats in economy class.
A baby immediately began wailing, and the child sitting behind Crane began to kick his seat.
Meanwhile, in first class, the stewardess was attempting to do the safety briefing, while Joker and Harley kept calling for more champagne. "Um…sir, this is a non-smoking flight," she said, as Joker lit up a cigar.
Joker laughed. "Non-smoking, yeah right! Good gag, sweetheart!" he chuckled, as he puffed out a cloud of smoke.
"More champagne, please!" said Harley, holding out her glass.
"You're gonna get drunk, you dumb blonde," retorted Joker.
Harley shrugged. "You don't say no to free champagne, puddin'. I feel just like a princess! And we're flying to England, the land of princesses!" she purred, curling up in his arms.
"I think she's already drunk," commented Ivy, picking up the in-flight magazine.
A few hours into the flight, the child in economy class still hadn't stopped kicking Crane's seat, so on a trip to the bathroom, Crane had dumped a small vial of fear toxin into the child's drink. The child then started screaming and writhing in terror, but that was a much more pleasant alternative in Crane's mind.
Tetch looked up from his book to see Ivy and Two-Face entering economy class. "What are you both doing back here?" he asked.
"Uh…J and Harley decided to start having sex," muttered Two-Face.
"What?" said Tetch.
"He asked if she'd ever made love at 40,000 feet before," growled Ivy. "And she's had a lotta champagne, and the seats in first class are basically beds…so they just started doing it, right there. You can probably hear them…"
"Oh, puddin'! My inner goddess is jumping up and down with cheerleading pom-poms…unless that's the plane turbulence! Nope, it's my inner goddess!"
"Nobody's gonna wanna pay to see their movie, y'know," muttered Two-Face. "It's not hot – it's just sick and wrong."
Crane sighed as the whole plane was forced to listen to Harley's very vocal enjoyment. "How much longer until we land in London?" he asked Tetch.
"About six hours," replied Tetch.
"Oh joy," sighed Crane, trying to focus on his book. It was going to be a very long flight.