Harley woke up in the Joker's arms, and turned to glance out the window. Then she sat up with a start. "Oh my God, we're crashing!" she screamed. "We're going down! It's the end of everything! Say goodbye to your loved ones! Oh, puddin', at least we'll die together!" she cried, throwing herself on Joker as he sat up angrily, rubbing his eyes.
"Um…Miss Quinn…we're not crashing," said the stewardess, rushing over to her and trying to calm the rising panic among the fellow passengers. "We're landing in London."
"Oh," said Harley. "Well, that was a quick flight!" she said, yawning and curling up against Joker again. "I dunno why people complain about international travel."
"People just like to whine about nothing, Harley," retorted Joker, putting his legs up on the footstool and reaching for his glass of champagne.
"I can't really feel my legs anymore," muttered Crane as they all disembarked the plane. "I think I need a long walk to get the feeling back in them."
"Well, that won't be a problem once we get into central London," said Tetch. "There's plenty of places to walk and things to see. The earliest Simeon could see me is tomorrow morning - apparently he has a very busy schedule and lots of meetings. So for today, we're free to wander around the city and look at touristy things. And I thought tonight perhaps we'd like to indulge in a show in the West End, the world-renowned London theater district…"
"Is The Producers on?" demanded Joker. "We gotta see The Producers if it's on. It's the world's most hilarious show! Gotta love making fun of Nazis! Not that that's hard to do…"
"Oh, c'mon, if we're doing musicals, I wanna see Little Shop of Horrors," said Ivy. "I just adore the ending. Plants dominating the world – what's not to love?"
"Perhaps we'll have to find a compromise," suggested Tetch. "Now you all follow signs for the foreign passport queue - I'm going through the native one, as I have dual citizenship. I'll collect the bags and see you in about three hours," he said.
The line to check foreign passports did indeed take about three hours, during which time the Joker and the rest of the gang obliged Japanese tourists by posing for photos. When they eventually reached the front of the queue, they were thoroughly questioned by the border agents.
"You don't have any firearms on you, do you, sir?" asked one of the agents, eyeing Joker suspiciously. "Because we don't allow civilians to carry firearms in this country."
"Well, I'm an American, so I can," said Joker, nodding. "It's in our constitution."
"No, sir, you're visiting our country, so you have to respect our laws," said the agent.
Joker's eyebrows narrowed. "Listen to me, buddy!" he hissed. "Do you know who I am?! I'm the goddamn Joker! I don't respect any laws in any countries, and I'm a citizen of the United States of America who has the right to bear arms! You ain't taking away my constitutional rights, limey! You try, and we'll kick your ass again just like we did in 1776! Capiche?!"
It was probably less the Joker's threatening words and more the fact that he and the other rogues pulled out their weapons at that moment, but the agent merely nodded dumbly, stamped their passports, and waved them through.
"Everything all right?" asked Tetch, who was waiting on the other side with the baggage.
"No. Your country sucks," retorted Joker, as Harley grabbed their bags. "They got no respect for their betters."
"We had some issues at border control, with the weapons," explained Two-Face. "But we sorted it out," he said, holstering both his guns.
"The nerve of these people!" hissed Joker. "Telling me I can't have my guns, in that snooty tone of voice! What kinda hellhole is this anyway, where ordinary citizens don't have the basic right to firearms?! Jesus, no wonder everyone in this country drinks! How else are you supposed to have any fun?"
"You told 'em good, puddin'," said Harley, cuddling him.
Crane and Tetch shared a look, but said nothing. "Well, we should head to our hotel first and drop off these bags," said Tetch, trying to change the subject. "You made the reservations when you booked the flight, didn't you, Joker?"
"Yep," said Joker, nodding. "Nothing but the best for us – we're staying at the Hilton!"
"You got rooms at an expensive hotel, but economy class flight reservations?" demanded Crane.
"Well, yeah," said Joker, shrugging. "Easier to kick people outta their seats than their hotel rooms. You gotta get rid of their luggage and their bodies, if they refuse to move. It's just a lotta effort, and I'm on vacation."
Crane glared after him, and his rage at Joker only increased when they arrived at the hotel, and were handed the keys to their rooms. "There you are, Mr. Joker, sir – three of our finest double rooms," said the assistant.
"Wait, wait, wait," said Crane. "I think you mean two double rooms and one twin room."
The assistant looked at the computer screen. "No, three double rooms is what I have a reservation for."
"I thought you'd wanna share a bed with Hatty, Johnny," said Joker. "Don't tell me the two of you got into a lovers' tiff on the flight?"
"We're not a couple!" shouted Crane. "And I am not sharing a bed with him! Book us a twin room at once!"
"I'm sorry, sir, we're fully booked," said the assistant. "This is a very busy time for us…"
"Well, we'll just stay at another hotel," retorted Crane, picking up his suitcase.
"Jonathan, this is near Simeon's office," said Tetch. "I don't want to drag my luggage all over the city looking for another place to stay at the height of tourist season! Why can't we just share a bed? I'm sure they're big enough that we won't have any physical contact."
"Yeah, why can't you just share a bed?" repeated Joker, smiling. "I'm sure you'll forget what you were fighting about once you spend the night together."
"I am this close to punching you in the face!" hissed Crane. "You did this on purpose, and it's not funny! It's just annoying!"
"Well, annoying you is funny to me," replied Joker. "You really need to learn to relax, Johnny. Have a laugh now and then. Frankly, I don't know why Tetchy stays in a relationship with you…"
"Jonathan, let it go, Jonathan!" snapped Tetch, seizing his arm as Crane raised a fist to punch Joker. "Let's just all get to our rooms – I'm sure we'll feel calmer after we've freshened up…"
"Yeah, enjoy the makeup sex, boys!" chuckled Joker, as the elevator deposited them on the floor their room was on.
Crane rushed to punch him, but the elevator door had already shut on Joker's grinning face. "I suppose we could always try to get him killed over here and make his death look like an accident," sighed Tetch.
"Oh, he'd find some way to survive," growled Crane. "He's like a cockroach – we could have a nuclear war and humanity could completely destroy itself, but the Joker would still be clinging onto life, laughing among the ruins."
"That's a very morbid yet poetic thought," said Tetch, as he unlocked the door to their room. "There now, you see? This isn't so bad," he said, looking around. "And the bed's a very decent size."
"Yes, it'll do," muttered Crane. "I've just never shared a bed with a man. Or a woman, for that matter, but that's not by choice."
"At least there's a lovely view," said Tetch, pulling the curtain back and looking out the window over the Thames and the Houses of Parliament.
"Do you miss being here?" asked Crane. "When you're in Gotham, I mean. This is your home…"
"Well, technically, I suppose," agreed Tetch. "But I never really felt at home in England. It was one of the reasons why I left. When a man is inherently different from his fellows, he feels like a perpetual outcast, no matter where he lives. I've never really fit in anywhere."
"Except in Gotham," retorted Crane. "Which is a city of perpetual outcasts and costumed freaks."
"There is some truth in that," agreed Tetch. "And at least when you're locked up in Arkham, you get a sense of belonging to a community. No matter how insane that community is."
He let the curtain drop. "Home is not a location, Jonathan – it's a state of mind. When one realizes that, one can feel at home anywhere. Even in a madhouse."