"Why is everyone driving on the wrong side of the road?" asked Joker as they wandered the streets of London. "Can't anyone in this country drive?"
"And why is it raining again?" whined Harley, who had Joker's coat wrapped tightly around her.
"Because it's England," retorted Tetch. "And that's what the weather is like here."
"Not too different from Gotham, really," said Ivy. "And it's good for the plants, Harley. They have some really lush, green parks here, and that's because it rains a lot."
"Can we get a double-decker bus?" pleaded Harley. "Or a taxi, instead of walking?"
"I thought you wanted to see the sights, Harley," said Tetch. "And the best way to do that is by walking. We could just take the tube if you just want to get out of the rain."
"Yeah, sounds good, let's do that," she said. Tetch shrugged, leading them down into the subway station. They got on a train, to be met with stares from the other passengers, who were no strangers to weird sights.
"This city gets odder every day," sighed one man, ruffling his newspaper.
They emerged from the subway in front of Buckingham Palace. "This is where Her Majesty the Queen lives," explained Tetch.
"Aw, neat!" exclaimed Harley, snapping pictures. "A real palace with a real queen! Is she the mother of Princess Diana?"
"Erm…no," said Tetch. "And here you can see the changing of the guard…"
"Aw, look at their cute little uniforms!" shrieked Harley. "Everything about this country is cute! With queens and funny soldiers – it's like a fairy tale!"
"Oooh, these are the guys who can't smile, right?" asked Joker, beaming at the men in red uniform. "Sounds like a challenge to me!"
"Joker, no…" began Tetch, but Joker had already reached into his pocket and thrown a handful of marbles through the gate. Marbles which released clouds of Joker toxin into the guards' ranks.
"Let's get out of here, and hope for your sake that the toxin doesn't reach Her Majesty!" snapped Tetch, as the guards began writhing and falling to the ground in uncontrollable, dying laughter. "Leave it to you to cause an international incident!"
"It's what I do," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, what are the cops here gonna do without guns? Pumpkin pie, you wanted a double-decker bus?" he said, as one passed. He casually fired his gun through the drivers window, sending the bus crashing into a lamp post. "Everybody out!" he shouted, climbing on board. "Commandeering this now!"
"We couldn't just…take the tube?" stammered Tetch. "Or hail a cab?"
"Nah, this is more fun," said Joker. "I'm a little claustrophobic, y'know – hate small confined spaces, and I don't like being crammed in boxes underground with a lotta people. And this way we can stay warm and see the sights at our own pace!" he chuckled, shoving the driver's body out of the bus and then backing up.
"You're driving on the wrong side of the road!" shouted Ivy as they joined the traffic.
"No, I'm on the right side of the road!" snapped Joker. "Which is right! These losers are all wrong!"
"Just let me drive!" roared Two-Face, shoving Joker out of the way. "You go enjoy the sights from the top deck! Where to, Jervis?" he asked.
"Um…the…Tower of London?" suggested Tetch. "Just take a left up here…"
"There are a lotta birds here," commented Harley, as they all piled out of the bus at the Tower of London.
"They're ravens, Harley," explained Crane. "And they're carrion birds, which is why they nested here traditionally, at the place of execution, where they would feed off the bodies of the slain."
"That's cheerful," growled Two-Face, as the birds eyed his burnt flesh hungrily.
"There's a legend that if the ravens ever leave the Tower, the whole of Britain will fall," said Tetch. "So they're kept here just to ensure that doesn't happen."
"Do you think Britain would fall if all the birdies laughed themselves to death?" asked Joker, reaching for more marbles. "Should we test that theory?"
"No!" snapped Tetch, shoving him away before he could do any damage. "Let's just see the Crown Jewels instead!"
It was only after they had all gathered in the room where the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom were on display that Tetch realized this probably wasn't the best place to bring a gang of convicted criminals.
"Wow, they're so pretty and shiny, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, snapping picture after picture.
"Yeah? Which one do you like best, pooh?" he asked. "Can't take my little princess to London without picking her up a souvenir!"
"Oh, puddin'!" she gasped, adoringly. "I like that one!" she said, pointing to an ornate crown.
"What my baby wants, my baby gets!" chuckled Joker, pulling out a bomb shaped like his face and attaching it to the glass.
"Sir, put down the bomb and step away from the glass!" shouted the guards.
"Hmm, the English are meant to be so polite, and they don't even say please," sighed Joker. "Guess it's up to the American to teach you some manners."
The guards pulled out guns, and Joker's eyes lit up. "Finally!" he exclaimed. "All right, boys, shootout! Let's do this!" he shouted, ripping out his own gun and firing.
Unfortunately for the Joker, he was a good, quick shot, and managed to kill both guards before they could even fire. He frowned. "Well, that was anti-climactic," he sighed, covering his ears. "Step back, Harl."
The bomb exploded at that moment, sending shards of glass everywhere. Joker grabbed the crown, plus some other jewels for good measure, and then shouted, "Run for it, guys! Back to the bus!"
"Do you remember when I said things would get better after the airport?" gasped Crane to Tetch, as they raced after Joker.
"Yes," sighed Tetch.
"I was mistaken," said Crane.
After their crime-filled day, topped off by a visit to Madame Tussauds, where Joker went on a killing spree because no waxwork of him featured anywhere in the exhibit, Tetch was ready to unwind with a visit to the theater. They had some debate about which show to see, but ended up all agreeing on the one about a murdering psychopath in a mask, thinking they could relate to The Phantom of the Opera.
They left the theater at the end of the show with Harley sobbing. "Ain't it romantic, puddin'?" she sobbed. "It's just like us! Except I wasn't an idiot like her and picked the right guy in the end. The guy with style, substance, and homicidal urges," she cooed, kissing him.
"I am not ugly!" snapped Joker.
"You have a physical abnormality of sorts, Joker," pointed out Crane.
"Yeah, I'm unusually attractive!" retorted Joker.
"You sure are, puddin'," purred Harley.
"Maybe I should get a mask like that," said Two-Face. "The dames seem to like it, and it suits with the whole covering half the face thing."
"Nah, I woulda gone with the young, rich, handsome guy," said Ivy. "She made the right choice. You can always marry him for the money and then sleep around – that's what a smart girl would do."
"I must say, it all did seem a little close to home," murmured Tetch. "A story about a lonely, unattractive genius who loses the girl of his dreams to the young, handsome, less substantial man…"
"Yeah, yeah, you're ugly and alone, we get it," interrupted Joker, as they returned to the double-decker bus.
"It's been a good day and all, Jervis, but I don't really get why this is considered the most romantic city in the world," commented Harley.
"That's Paris!" shouted Joker.
"Really? Then why didn't we go to that one on vacation?" asked Harley.
"Because our movie is going to premiere here, Harley," snapped Joker.
"And because I don't have family in Paris," retorted Tetch. "With whom I will be enduring meetings on the morrow," he sighed.
"Are you all right?" asked Crane, as they re-entered their hotel room.
"Yes," sighed Tetch. "Just seeing that show brought back a lot of insecurities to the forefront of my mind. Simeon was always the handsome one, good-looking, successful…I was always the loser to him."
"Well, I for one wouldn't respect the opinion of a man who seems as boorish as you describe," said Crane.
"I don't," replied Tetch. "Only when people constantly call you names and insult you, even if you don't respect them…it can wear you down."
"I know, believe me," said Crane, gently. "But tomorrow you'll face him surrounded by at least one friend. So you can't be a complete loser."
"No," agreed Tetch, smiling. "Even if my friend is the only person I'll ever share a bed with."
"Yes," sighed Crane, glaring at it. "Let's not mention that to him. Or anyone. Ever. So…which side do you want?"