"This whole country is like a Monty Python sketch," commented Joker the next morning, as they passed a group of men in business suits and umbrellas on the way into Simeon Tetch's office building. "This place could be the Ministry of Silly Walks."
Joker began whistling the theme tune to Monty Python's Flying Circus as they took the elevator up to Simeon's office on the top floor.
"Please stop whistling – I already have a headache," muttered Tetch, massaging his temples. "I didn't sleep very well last night."
"Gotcha, Tetchy, say no more," said Joker, nodding and winking. "Glad you two finally made up…"
"We're not a couple!" snapped Crane.
"I didn't sleep well because I was anxious about seeing Simeon again," said Tetch. "And you'll see why when you meet him. I just kept tossing and turning all night…"
"Which, as you might imagine, resulted in me not getting much sleep either," growled Crane. "Seeing as we're sharing a bed, thanks to you."
"Right, you two say whatever makes you happy!" chuckled Joker. "Harley and I did some tossing and turning of our own last night, know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more..."
"You ever made love wearing just a crown, Red?" said Harley. "I tell ya, it makes you feel just like a princess. So we did a little roleplaying where the good, sweet, innocent little princess meets the bad, naughty, dirty court jester…"
Ivy punched the stop button on the elevator, and the doors opened. "I'm taking the stairs so I don't have to hear anymore about this," she muttered, storming out. The others hurried to follow her, since fortunately they were only a few floors down from Simeon's office.
They arrived at the top floor to be greeted by an empty desk outside the office. "His secretary must be out," said Tetch. "Perhaps we should just sit here and wait for her to return…"
"Or we could just knock on the door," said Joker, starting forward to do just that.
"No!" cried Tetch, grabbing his hand away. "Don't…don't provoke him. Let's just all wait here patiently…"
But they didn't need to wait any longer, since the office door was suddenly thrown open and the secretary rushed out, buttoning up her top. "Get me a coffee and a packet of fags while you're out, love!" shouted an unpleasant voice as a man appeared in the doorway. All the rogues stared at him in astonishment, except for Tetch, whose face was nothing but pure disgust and loathing.
Simeon Tetch was as different from his brother as night and day. They both had blonde hair, but that was where the similarities ended. Simeon was much younger, tall, broad-shouldered, and well-built – he was clearly a man who spent a good deal of time at the gym. He had an incredibly handsome face and striking, cobalt blue eyes, and a sneering, sleazy smile, which Ivy for one found very attractive. Her jaw had dropped and she just gasped, "Wow!" which caused Two-Face to glare at her, and then at Simeon.
Simeon noticed them at that moment and beamed. "Germy!" he cried, holding open his arms. "Aw, Germy, you made it! It's been too long, mate, how ya been?"
"Simeon, your fly is open," muttered Tetch.
Simeon looked down and chuckled. "Sorry about that," he said, zipping it up. "Just had a little slap and tickle with Annie there – sure you know how it is," he said, winking at the secretary. "Annie, why don't you get our guests some coffees too? C'mon in, everyone!" he said, leading them inside the office. "Didn't know Germy was bringing a party with him, but the more the merrier, that's my motto! Ask Annie about it sometime!" he chuckled, sitting down at his desk. "There's a bird who's up for anything! Just the way I like 'em!"
"Do allow me to introduce everyone," said Tetch. "My brother, Simeon Tetch – this is the Joker…"
"Christ, not the Joker?!" exclaimed Simeon, leaping to his feet and beaming. "The guy who fights Batman?!"
"I fight Batman too…" began Tetch.
"Yep, that's me!" interrupted Joker with a smile.
"Oh, mate, I've always wanted to meet you!" exclaimed Simeon, seizing his hand and shaking it. "Big fan, big fan! Can I get a selfie with you? All my mates are gonna be so jealous!"
"I don't know what that is, but sure!" laughed Joker.
Simeon pulled out his smartphone and snapped a photo with Joker. "My mates are gonna go crackers when they see this!" Simeon exclaimed. "Who knew my loser brother hung around with celebrities like the Joker?!"
"We don't really hang out casually," said Joker.
"And this…lemme guess…this is your bird, Harley Quinn!" exclaimed Simeon. He whistled. "Mate, you are one lucky sod to shag her. She is fit as!"
"I'm gonna assume those words are compliments," chuckled Joker.
"Pleased to meetcha," said Harley, holding out her hand to Simeon. He took it and kissed it.
"At your service, darling," he said. "Now who have we got…"
His eyes fell on Poison Ivy and he whistled. "Who have we got here?" he said, in a sleazier voice, with a sleazier smile.
"Ivy," she replied, smiling back and holding out her hand to him. "Poison Ivy."
"Should have guessed, love," he murmured, kissing her hand. "They say you can make a guy your willing slave with just a look."
"That's what they say," murmured Ivy. "Up to you to judge though."
"Babe, there's a part of my body standing to attention for you right now," said Simeon, smiling.
Two-Face stepped in between them. "Hi. I'm Two-Face," he growled.
"Yeah, yeah, good to meet ya, mate," Simeon said, shoving him out of the way and returning his attention to Ivy. "Babe, you wanna get some drinks later? Just you and me?"
"Maybe," replied Ivy, smiling. "I'm not the kinda girl who usually refuses invitations."
"And…this is Jonathan Crane," said Tetch, trying to diffuse the growing hatred toward Simeon he could feel coming from Two-Face. "Also known as the Scarecrow. My best friend in Gotham."
Simeon looked at Crane, and smiled. "Right, best friend," he said, winking as he shook his hand. "Say no more. I'm really pleased my brother has finally found himself a nice guy to settle down with…"
"We're not a couple!" snapped Crane.
The secretary re-entered at that moment, bringing a tray of coffee with her. "Just set it down on the desk, love," said Simeon. "Nice bit of skirt, ain't she?" he said as he spanked her when she set down the tray. "Not that you'd be a good judge of that, Germy."
"Simeon, for the last time, I'm not a homosexual," muttered Tetch. "I've just never had a girlfriend."
"And you expect me to think that's just a coincidence, huh, Germy?" chuckled Simeon, as he took a packet of cigarettes from the secretary and lit one. "You should be brave enough by now to admit you're a poof. You always liked all that poofter crap – books and plays and poetry…oh, where are my manners, anybody want a fag?" he asked, holding out the cigarette packet.
"Does that mean something different in this country?" asked Joker.
"It's a cigarette," said Simeon, nodding at the packet.
"Then yes, I'll have a fag," repeated Joker. "But I ain't saying that when I get back to America – people will talk!" he laughed as Simeon lit his cigarette for him.
Simeon checked his phone. "All right, twenty likes already on the selfie, mate!" he chuckled. "That's brilliant, just brilliant! Let's get another with the fags!" he said, posing for another picture with the Joker.
"Um…Simeon, I don't wish to rush you, but if we could possibly...get down to business," stammered Tetch. "I have no doubt you're a very busy man, and we'd like to get out of your hair as soon as possible..."
"Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem, Germy," said Simeon, rifling around the papers on his desk. "So yeah, shame about Mum and Dad, but there it is. Life goes on. Their will left me a tidy sum of money, and you the house and property. There are the keys," he said, throwing a ring of keys across the desk at Tetch. "If I were you, I'd get down there, have a rifle through and see if there's anything you wanna keep, and then try to sell the place. It's not worth the upkeep with you not even living here anymore."
"Yes, I suppose that's for the best," agreed Tetch, taking the keys. "We'll head down this afternoon."
"No rush," said Simeon, shrugging. "Stay in town some more if you want. I wouldn't mind showing Ivy my flat, if you know what I mean," he chuckled, winking at her.
"No, thank you, we have to be going," said Tetch, standing up.
"I'll come down to the house this weekend," said Simeon. "Just to collect anything I might want and say my goodbyes to the old place. So I'll see you then, yeah, Germy?"
"Yes…see you then," stammered Tetch as he hastened toward the door with Crane following him.
"He's vile," said Crane the moment they were out of the office.
"Yes, he is," agreed Tetch. "He always was."
"Why does he keep calling you Germy?" asked Crane. "And why do you two have completely different accents?"
"We were both raised with the same accent, but Simeon adopted that fake Cockney drawl in school," muttered Tetch. "He thought it would make him sound more normal, and he could fit in better. I suppose it worked. And Germy was his name for me – I forget how it came about. I think he shortened Jervis to Germis, and then got Germy from that. It's an English thing, bizarre nicknames," he said, waving his hand.
"So, where in London is your house, Jervis?" asked Harley as the rest of them left Simeon's office, Ivy lingering behind to flirt with him a little more as Two-Face glared at them.
"My house is not in London, Harley," replied Tetch. "London is not the entirety of England, despite the foreign perception to the contrary. The house is in Kent, in the countryside."
"A country house?" repeated Harley. "You mean like Downton Abbey?"
Tetch snorted contemptuously. "Downton Abbey! My dear Harley, Downton Abbey is nothing compared to Tetch Hall."