"Boy, you weren't fooling!" gasped Harley, as the double-decker bus they had stolen rounded a corner and they looked upon the impressive façade of Tetch Hall. It was a massive, sprawling Tudor house set in huge, lush grounds. "This place is a palace!" exclaimed Harley, turning to stare at Tetch. "You're like royalty!"
"Hardly royalty, Harley," said Tetch with a smile. "But the Tetches have always been nobility. Barons, in fact, as far back as the War of the Roses."
"So you're like Lord Tetch?" asked Ivy.
"Lord Tetch was my father," replied Tetch. "So I suppose technically the title is mine now, as his eldest son. But I don't care for it at all," he said, shaking his head. "Nothing so grand should ever belong to me, including this house. I was never very comfortable with life here, the formalities and expectations. It was like living in the court at Wonderland – so much nonsense everywhere, so that one could almost get lost in it forever. I decided to escape from that particular rabbit hole, away from the King and Queen of Hearts always shouting in my ear, and the rigmarole of everyday life. If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense, but not the kind of nonsense that characterizes the English upper-classes."
"And your brother is like Lord Tetch the second or something, right?" asked Ivy.
"Simeon does not have a title," retorted Tetch. "Unless I die, and then Lord Tetch passes on to him, as does this entire estate and fortune."
"That's too bad," sighed Ivy. "It would be cool to sleep with a lord. Not you, though, Jervis," she added, hastily.
"Yes, thank you, Pamela," muttered Tetch.
Two-Face gritted his teeth and tightened his hands on the steering wheel as he drove the bus through the gate and pulled up onto the pebbled driveway outside of the house.
The ornate front door opened and a man in a butler's uniform strode out to greet them. "Master Tetch!" he exclaimed, beaming as Tetch climbed off the bus. "Bless my soul, sir, we hadn't expected to see you again, and certainly not in such unbefitting circumstances!"
"Pennyworth, it is so good to see you again!" said Tetch, smiling at him and embracing him.
"Thank you, sir, but such behavior is hardly appropriate for the now Lord Tetch," said the butler, pulling away from his embrace. But he smiled. "Although I share your sentiments entirely."
"Everyone, this is our family butler, Pennyworth," said Tetch. "Pennyworth, my associates from Gotham City."
"I remember you writing to say you were living in Gotham City!" said Pennyworth. "I always meant to tell you to look up my cousin – he's a butler in Gotham City for a Mr. Wayne."
"I used to work for Mr. Wayne's company," said Tetch. "As a research scientist. But not anymore. And I'm afraid I never met his butler, but if I ever do, I shall pass on your regards."
"Is butlering kinda the family business?" asked Joker.
"Service is a long-standing tradition for the Pennyworths," he replied, nodding. "Do allow me to show you in and take your luggage, Mr…"
"This is the Joker," said Tetch, introducing them. "And his girlfriend, Harley Quinn. And this is Two-Face, Poison Ivy, and my best friend, Jonathan Crane," he said.
"My, what colorful names," said Pennyworth, with no perceptible surprise or emotion at seeing such an unusual group of people. "Please do come inside, and welcome to Tetch Hall."
"I hope we're not inconveniencing you…" began Harley.
"Not at all, Miss – Tetch Hall has plenty of space, as you can doubtless observe," replied Pennyworth. "And it is my job to keep the rooms clean and habitable at all times, even while the Master is away. Will you all be wanting a room each, or would you like to share?"
"Me and Mr. J'll share," said Harley, quickly.
"And me and Pam…" began Two-Face.
"Will have our own rooms," finished Ivy. "Not being married, Harvey, I think that's only right. Wouldn't want to offend Mr. Pennyworth's sensibilities."
"I make no judgments, Miss – that is not my job," replied Pennyworth. "My job is to see that Lord Tetch and his guests are comfortable at all times. So if you require anything, please do not hesitate to ask," he said, leading them up the stairs and onto a long wing of rooms.
"Mr. Joker and Miss Quinn will be in the Red Room, while Miss Ivy I think will suit the Green Room, and Mr. Two-Face the Silver Room," he said, placing their suitcases in their respective rooms.
"Holy Moly!" exclaimed Harley, snapping a picture of her room. "Just look at this place, Mr. J! I feel like we've walked onto the set of Pride and Prejudice!"
"Or an Agatha Christie novel," chuckled Joker. "And frankly a nice juicy murder at a country house would be just the thing to put a smile on my face!"
"No, thank you, Joker," muttered Tetch. "You've done quite enough of that in London."
"If everyone would like to settle themselves, and then meet in the drawing room, I'll prepare some tea," said Pennyworth, bowing. "Lord Tetch, Mr. Crane, your rooms are this way," he said, leading them down the corridor.
"Pennyworth has been with the Tetches for three generations," explained Tetch. "He and his wife were like parents to me – she was my nanny. How is Mrs. Pennyworth?" he asked.
Pennyworth had been carrying the bags, and his shoulders slumped a little at the question. "She passed on a few years ago, sir," he replied, quietly. "And it's still very difficult to carry on without her."
"Yes, I can imagine so," said Tetch, sincerely. "I'm so very sorry."
"Oh, it was a peaceful end, sir, so there's that blessing," said Pennyworth. "It was a sudden and swift illness – she didn't suffer long. Still...after forty years of marriage, it's still very disconcerting to wake up to an empty bed."
"And you never had any children, did you?" asked Tetch.
"Not of our own flesh and blood, sir, and not through lack of trying," replied Pennyworth. "God's will, I suppose. But we had two very fine, strapping young men to take care of and help raise, and we were both grateful for that blessing," he said, smiling at Tetch. "And just look at you, sir."
"Yes, I'm sure I'm a sight for sore eyes!" laughed Tetch, sarcastically.
"You are, sir," said Pennyworth, sincerely. "I don't think it was ever any secret me and the missus preferred you to your brother."
"You were the only ones," muttered Tetch. "Mrs. Pennyworth used to sneak sweets and cakes from the kitchen and let me sit by the fire with her while she read aloud to me. While Mother and Father and Simeon were…out hunting."
"Mrs. Pennyworth always said there's nothing wrong with a sensitive boy," said Pennyworth. "She said if we were ever fortunate enough to have a son…she hoped he'd turn out more like you."
Tetch smiled gratefully at him. "Have you seen much of Simeon?" he asked.
"Nothing since the funeral," replied Pennyworth. "Or before, really. He likes to keep to London - I think he gets bored out here, while the city holds so many delights for him. Even while Lord and Lady Tetch were alive, they didn't see much of him. And on that note, please do allow me to express my sincere condolences for the death of your parents, Master…I mean, Lord Tetch."
"Please, Pennyworth, continue to call me Master if you want," said Tetch. "I'm not going to keep the title, or the estate. I've only come back to sell it."
"Oh. I see, sir," murmured Pennyworth, frowning.
"But I'm making it a condition of purchase that you're kept on as butler," continued Tetch. "Or provided with enough funds for a comfortable retirement."
"That's very good of you, sir," said Pennyworth, smiling again. "But I would prefer to end my days in service. Even if it is to a different family. I just don't know what I'd do with myself if I retired. I like to keep busy."
He opened a door. "Mr. Crane, yours is the Gold Room, and for Lord Tetch, of course, the Master Bedroom," he said, opening another door. "As is befitting his station."
"Thank you, Pennyworth," said Tetch, looking around the ornate, opulent room. "Forgive me for asking, but Simeon didn't give me details…is this where…my parents…were brought after…it happened?"
"No, sir," said Pennyworth. "No, they were rushed to hospital, but it was too late to save them, I'm afraid. They never returned to the hall."
"Thank goodness," sighed Tetch. "I couldn't bear to sleep in here thinking this is where they had breathed their last. It would be terribly morbid."
"Master Simeon drove them to hospital personally," said Pennyworth, nodding.
"Simeon?" repeated Tetch, frowning. "I didn't know he was there."
"Oh yes, Lord Tetch," said Pennyworth, nodding. "They all went hunting together that afternoon. I daresay poor Master Simeon must feel terribly guilty, with Lord and Lady Tetch suffering that horrible accident and nothing he could do about it…"
"Yes. Yes, I daresay he does. Thank you, Pennyworth," said Tetch, nodding. "We'll be down presently."
Pennyworth nodded, bowing and leaving Crane and Tetch alone. "How did your parents die, if you don't mind me asking," said Crane.
"A…hunting accident," stammered Tetch. "My family were all keen hunters, except for me, of course. And the grounds here are always full of all kinds of game. And traps for catching and killing them, of course," he sighed. "Simeon's letter said my parents went out hunting one day and were taking care of the rabbits they'd caught in the animal snares, when my father's gun backfired. The exploding shrapnel hit both my parents, since my mother was near him at the time, and they died of their injuries shortly after. But Simeon made no mention of him being there at the time."
"Why would he?" asked Crane. "Pennyworth is right – he must feel very guilty. But nobody could foresee a backfiring gun."
"No, I suppose not," agreed Tetch. "I mean, Simeon's a vile man, but he's not a…"
"A what?" asked Crane, as Tetch trailed off.
"Nothing," said Tetch, hastily. "Nothing. Shall we head down to tea?"