"Good news, Harl!" cried the Joker, entering the drawing room the next day. "I've just got off the phone with a London film producer, and he's arranged a test screening of our movie for Wednesday afternoon! Once he gets a positive response from the test audience, which of course he will, then he's going to look for distributors so we can premiere it properly!"
"Aw, puddin', that's great news!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "I can't wait until everyone gets to see it!"
"You're gonna get sued," repeated Ivy, not looking up from her book.
"That does sound like wonderful news, sir – shall I make some tea to celebrate?" asked Pennyworth.
Joker sighed. "I'm not really a tea kinda guy, Jeeves – you got anything a little stronger around here?"
"Oh yes, sir," replied Pennyworth. "The late Lord and Lady Tetch kept a very plentiful liquor cabinet and wine cellar, which they stocked with nothing but the finest vintages."
"God, it's a crying shame these people are dead," commented Joker, shaking his head. "The world needs more like 'em."
"I sincerely hope you never have any children of your own if you believe my parents were people to be admired," retorted Tetch.
"Oh yeah, I'll bet you had a real hard life growing up in this palace, Little Lord Fauntleroy," sneered Joker, sarcastically. "Poor little rich kid! God, why don't you and Bruce Wayne cry me a river!"
"Money does not make up for lack of parental affection," retorted Tetch.
"No, but it sure as hell helps," retorted Joker.
"Don't worry, Jervis – Mr. J's gonna be a great Daddy to our kids someday," said Harley, firmly. "Little Arleen and J.J. will just adore him, and he's gonna be so sweet and thoughtful and caring…"
"Why are you still standing there, Jeeves?!" demanded Joker. "Just bring me something strong and alcoholic, pronto! I'm a criminal lunatic, y'know, and if you ain't snappy, I ain't happy, and if I ain't happy, I get stabby!"
"Right away, sir," said Pennyworth, hurrying from the room.
"I'd appreciate if you didn't threaten Pennyworth, Joker," snapped Tetch. "If you want violence, Simeon will be here presently, and you and he can duke it out or something. I'm sure he'd be happy to get in a fight with you – he was always starting them at school."
"Well, it wouldn't be a fair fight – I would probably kick his ass," said Joker, sighing. "Still, he'll probably be more of a challenge than beating up Harley."
"Hey! I'm plenty challenging!" cried Harley, standing up. "I'll take you anytime, anywhere!"
"All right, outside!" snapped Joker, and they both headed for the door.
"When's Simeon getting here, Jervis?" asked Ivy.
"Any minute now," replied Tetch, glancing at his watch. "He said he'd be here in time for dinner, and dinner is always served at seven prompt. But Simeon was never the punctual type. Always late for every very important date."
"Do we have a plan?" asked Crane. "Are we just going to confront him and accuse him of murdering your parents?"
"I vote for that," said Two-Face. "Attack him as soon as he comes in, give him a hard punch to the face…"
"No, Simeon's too clever for that," said Tetch, shaking his head. "He knows we don't have a shred of evidence, and he's not the type who's just going to confess for the fun of it. We have to outsmart him. Watch and observe and trick him into revealing himself as a murderer."
"Is he really going to be stupid enough to do that?" asked Crane.
"I know my brother," replied Tetch. "And I know ways of making him talk. Just leave it to me."
"All right, mate!" shouted a familiar voice from the front door. "Letting the bird beat you, nice! I like a girl who can rough me up too!"
"Oooh, I like the sound of that!" said Ivy, throwing down her book and racing to the door.
"Your drink, Mr. Joker…Master Simeon, welcome home!" said Pennyworth, standing at the doorway as Simeon strode in, followed by the Joker and Harley Quinn, both of whom were sporting bruises and injuries, but looked very happy anyway.
"Thanks, Jeeves, you're all right!" chuckled Joker, taking the drink and handing it to Harley. "Now if you'll excuse Harley and me, we've just had a punch up, so we're kinda in the mood. See you losers later!" he chuckled, picking her up and carrying her toward the stairs.
"All right, mate, give her one for me, yeah?" called back Simeon.
"Give me one what, puddin'?" asked Harley.
"I don't know – nothing he says makes any sense," retorted Joker. "He's English."
"And hello, hello, hello, there's a sight for sore eyes!" laughed Simeon, smiling at Ivy. "And my eyes ain't the only part of my body that's sore at seeing you, love."
"Hello, Simeon," purred Ivy. "It's so good to see you again."
"Yeah, yeah, it is," agreed Two-Face, grabbing Ivy's arm. "I just want a word in private, Pam…" he snapped, leading her away.
"All right, Germy?" called Simeon, smiling as Tetch came out to greet him. "How does it feel to be home again?"
"Bittersweet," replied Tetch. "Where Childhood's dreams are twined, in Memory's mystic band, like pilgrim's wither'd wreath of flowers, pluck'd in far-off land."
"Poof," snorted Simeon.
"Yes, what an eloquent response," muttered Tetch.
"How's the boyfriend?" asked Simeon, smiling at Crane. "Can I ask you just what exactly you see in my brother, mate? I mean, I'm not gay, but there's literally nothing attractive about him."
"We're not a couple," growled Crane. "But if you want to know why we're friends, it's because your brother is a remarkable man, a technical genius, and yet still a very sweet, caring person. That can be very rare in people of great intelligence. Not that you'd know anything about that, not being a person of great intelligence yourself," he added, smiling.
"At least I ain't in the closet, mate," chuckled Simeon.
"Are you not?" asked Crane. "Did you know some psychiatrists believe that rampant homophobia and overly ostentatious displays of male dominance are signs of latent homosexuality in a subject? I've read a few interesting papers to that effect. It was cheering to think that the people who used to beat me up at school might just have been in love with me and not realized it."
"Yeah, I can see why you two are a good couple – you both talk too much about pointless crap!" laughed Simeon. "At least you can bore each other, right?" he said, clapping him on the back. "Is dinner ready yet, Pennyworth? I'm starved!"
"Well, thank you for trying to stick up for me," sighed Tetch, as Simeon followed Pennyworth into the dining room. "But he'll think what he wants to think. There's no getting through to a closed mind."
"You'll forgive me for saying this, but I hope he did murder your parents, just so he can be arrested," growled Crane. "And put in prison, where the other inmates might force him to rethink his opinions on homosexuality..."
"…I'll do what I wanna, Harvey!" shouted Ivy, emerging from the drawing room and storming into the hall. "And who I wanna! You're not my boyfriend, and you can't tell me what I can and can't do! Or who I can and can't do!"
"Pam, I'll kill him if he even thinks of putting his filthy hands on you!" roared Two-Face.
"It would be my choice if he did, and you would have nothing to do with it!" shouted Ivy. "Female empowerment, creep! You stay outta it!"
She entered the dining room and beamed. "How was your journey, Simeon?" she purred, sliding into the seat next to him.
"Long, darling," he murmured, smiling at her. "Like something else I could name. I sure could use some exercise after being cooped up in that car, if you know what I mean," he said, sliding his hand onto her knee.
"I just love your accent," sighed Ivy. "You sound just like a prince!"
"Pam has apparently gone deaf and blind," muttered Two-Face, grabbing a plate of food and storming off. "I'm eating in my room."
"What's his problem?" asked Simeon. "Aside from the whole face thing, I mean."
"He's jealous that I'm an independent woman who believes in free love," said Ivy, shrugging.
"Well, that makes two of us, darling," he chuckled, smiling at her. "What's the matter, Germy, don't you and your boyfriend ever flirt?" he asked, noticing the glare he was getting from Tetch. "Or do you just quote books at each other? Germy used to do this poof thing where he'd recite poetry and crap from this kid's book, Alice in Wonderland…"
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!" snapped Tetch. "And Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There!"
"Whatever, it was just weird and creepy!" laughed Simeon. "We used to play all sorts of pranks on him and at school, me and my mates – once we set off the fire alarm in the middle of the night, and then locked him outside in the rain! He was out there until morning, soaked to the skin…"
"And then I caught pneumonia and missed school for weeks – yes, it was very clever of you," muttered Tetch.
"All in good fun – Germy always needed a sense of humor," said Simeon, shrugging. "We tried to jolly him around, me and my mates, but he never could take a joke. Always started crying and running to some teacher, didn't you, Germy?"
"Which particular joke are you referring to, Simeon?" asked Tetch. "Was it when you pulled up the classroom floorboards, threw me into the hole, and then replaced them, covering it over with furniture so that I couldn't move them and my cries for help were muffled? Or was it the time you decided to go out rowing and tied me to a piece of rope, dragging me along behind the boat? Or perhaps it was the time you stole all my books to make a bonfire with out on the school green? Yes, I suppose you're right – just harmless little pranks, the lot of them. Crying and running to teachers was an overreaction on my part, and I apologize."
"Don't get snarky with me, Germy," retorted Simeon. "I'm not a man to be trifled with, as you know."
"Yes, I do know," murmured Tetch. "I wonder if Mother and Father knew that too," he added, lightly.
"Oh yeah, Mum and Dad," said Simeon, standing up and raising his glass. "Here's to 'em! May they rest in peace!"
"Apparently you were there at the end," said Tetch. "I hope they didn't suffer long."
"Nah, not too bad," said Simeon. "The shrapnel had kinda gone everywhere though – cost a fortune to clean my car after I drove them to hospital. Still, it was their money that paid for the cleaning!" he laughed. "Seems fair, right?"
"They weren't coherent at the end, were they?" asked Tetch. "They didn't say anything?"
"Germy, would you have said anything coherent after a gun exploded in your face?" demanded Simeon.
"A gun never would have exploded in my face, because I never would have used one," growled Tetch. "Especially not to shoot poor innocent rabbits caught in traps! God, I almost wish a rabbit had had the ability to put that pebble in Father's gun – there would have been a poetic justice in that."
"Oh boo hoo!" snapped Simeon. "Honestly, Germy, you care more about the death of some dumb animals than you do about your own parents! It's disgusting! But then you always were a little freak, and we all knew you'd never grow out of that."
He drained his glass. "I'm gonna unpack," he said, standing up. "See you poofs later. And darling, I very much hope I'll see you tonight," he murmured, kissing Ivy's hand.
He left the room, and Tetch leaned back in his chair. "He didn't seem to question a pebble in Father's gun," he murmured.
"Meaning what?" asked Crane.
"Meaning he knows all about it," murmured Tetch. "There's no longer a doubt in my mind that he killed them."
"So what do we do now?" asked Crane.
"Now we force him to hand himself in to the police," replied Tetch. "By any means necessary. And since this is a house full of criminal lunatics, that shouldn't be too difficult to do."
He checked his watch. "But not tonight," he said, yawning. "It promises to be a long, complicated affair, and I haven't slept at all well these past couple nights. We'll confront Simeon first thing in the morning. I'm sure he'll keep."
It was almost the last decision that Jervis Tetch ever made.