Jervis Tetch didn't sleep very well that night either, and that was what saved him. He awoke to a strange hissing noise coming from somewhere inside his room, followed by the strong smell of gas. The effect of drowsiness on his body was almost instantaneous, but Tetch's mind awakened with a start – inhaling large, concentrated amounts gas would result in loss of consciousness, and end in death.
He stumbled to the door of his room, flinging it open and coughing, breathing in clean air. "Curiouser…and curiouser!" he gasped. Then he raced over to Crane's room, knocking loudly on the door.
"Jonathan?" he called. "Are you awake?"
"No," muttered Crane.
Tetch sighed and tried the door, finding it unlocked. "Simeon just tried to kill me in my bed," he said, entering the room.
"Well, you're not sharing my bed again!" snapped Crane, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
"Didn't you hear what I said?" demanded Tetch. "Simeon just tried to kill me!"
"Yes, yes, I should be more concerned," said Crane, yawning. "But it's very late, you know. How did he try to kill you?"
"By pumping gas into my room," replied Tetch.
"Oh, I see. That's rather more clever than I expected him to be," commented Crane.
"He's not an idiot, Jonathan," retorted Tetch. "He's not just going to barge into my room with a gun and shoot me. Death by gas asphyxiation would have all the same symptoms as cardiac arrest – I die from a heart-attack, and nobody suspects a thing. Just like he didn't shoot my parents when they went out hunting – he made it look like an accident. He's got a cunning and evil mind."
"So what do we do now?" asked Crane.
Tetch bit his lip. "We'll need to telephone the others," he muttered. "We'll need to all join together on this – Simeon is likely to be violent when confronted, and I'd prefer to have a gang of homicidal lunatics on my side."
Crane nodded, reaching for his phone. "Ivy's phone appears to be off…as does Two-Face's," he said, trying two numbers. "But Harley's is ringing…"
"What?" came the Joker's irritable voice.
"Um…can you and Harley join us in my room right away?" asked Crane. "Jervis has been attacked…"
"Well, see, this is why you should share a bed!" snapped Joker. "You don't see Harley and me being attacked, do you? And all you are is ungrateful when I get you a double room! I expect an apology when I get there!"
A few moments later there was a knock on Crane's door, and he went to answer it. "I'm…sorry," he growled as the Joker stood there in his bathrobe, arms folded across his chest.
"Aw, apology accepted, Craney!" chuckled Joker, clapping him on the back as he entered the room, followed by a yawning Harley dressed in a long, flowing nightdress.
"You ok, Jervis?" she asked. "You don't look too beat up…"
"I wasn't physically assaulted, Harley," he replied. "Gas from the mains was pumped into my bedroom. Oh, Jonathan, could you also ring for Pennyworth? Jonathan?" repeated Tetch, because Crane wasn't listening, staring dreamily at Harley.
"I'm…sorry, what?" he said, snapping back to reality.
"Call for Pennyworth, please," sighed Tetch.
"So…you were attacked by gas in your room," said Joker, thoughtfully. "And now we gotta figure out who did it."
"We know who did it, Joker," retorted Tetch. "Simeon killed my parents for their money, and now he's trying to kill me, so he can inherit the whole estate."
"Or so it would seem," said Joker, nodding. "But I've seen enough English country house murders on TV to know that it's never the most likely suspect. Sure, your brother stands to inherit everything by your death, but that's too obvious a motivation. And in these kinds of dramas, the butler always does it!"
Tetch just looked at him. "No, Pennyworth isn't the murderer."
"He is, because he's the least likely suspect," said Joker, nodding. "Quite a twist, huh? Eat your heart out, Miss Marple!" he chuckled.
"He has absolutely no motive," retorted Tetch. "He stays butler no matter who's in charge, and he doesn't inherit anything – he has no reason to have wanted to kill my parents, or me."
"And that's why he's the least likely suspect," said Joker, nodding.
"Joker, crimes in reality don't work like that," snapped Tetch. "When clown crimes are committed, everyone knows it's you. And the police don't just go searching for least likely suspects – they use evidence to find the most likely suspects! And all the evidence pointing to Simeon means that Simeon is the murderer!"
"But there's no twist in that!" protested Joker. "And these English country house murders always have a twist in them!"
"We're not in an Agatha Christie novel!" snapped Tetch.
"Nah, I guess not," agreed Joker. "She never woulda put comic book characters in an English country house setting where they don't really belong. She was more original than that, not like the hack writers you get today…"
"Sir, are you all right?" asked Pennyworth, entering the room breathlessly. "What's wrong?"
"And how do you know something's wrong, eh, Jeeves?" demanded Joker.
Pennyworth stared at him. "Um…because Mr. Crane called to say something was wrong and that I was needed in his room at once," he said.
"A likely story," said Joker.
"Joker, I just did – you heard me," snapped Crane.
"Quiet, Craney, I'm trying to interrogate the criminal and get a confession!" retorted Joker. "Like Batsy does!"
"I beg your pardon?" said Pennyworth.
"Don't play dumb with me, pal!" snapped Joker. "Why did you kill Lord and Lady Tetch, huh? They withhold your last paycheck? Insult your cooking? Made you take up folk dancing?"
"Is Mr. Joker…quite all right?" asked Pennyworth, slowly.
"He's fine, Pennyworth – he's always this crazy," snapped Tetch.
They heard a gunshot coming from down the hall suddenly. And then a scream, as they raced out of the room to see Two-Face standing by the door to Poison Ivy's room holding a shotgun. "God dammit, Harvey, you almost killed him!" shrieked Poison Ivy.
"I told you I would if he touched you!" roared Two-Face, aiming the shotgun at the fleeing figure heading down the stairs and out the front door. Ivy grabbed the gun, sending the shot into one of the family portraits lining the stairs instead.
"Oh goodness, poor great-great-uncle Charles!" exclaimed Tetch, hurrying toward them. "What on earth is going on?! Why is there gunplay in my house?!"
"Because Harvey's insane!" shrieked Ivy, glaring at him. "And happy to kill a guy just because he's jealous of him! He saw Simeon come into my room, and was waiting outside my door with a shotgun ready for him to sneak out!"
"The coin decided that it was a good idea, not me!" snapped Two-Face.
Tetch stared at Ivy, who was barely dressed. "You slept with my brother?!" he demanded.
"Don't look so surprised - he's hot!" snapped Ivy.
"He's a murderer!" shouted Tetch.
"Well, he's not the first one of those I've slept with!" retorted Ivy.
"You slept with him, and then you tried to murder him!" roared Tetch, rounding on Two-Face. "And now he's probably going to go to the police, because he has every right to, and they'll come back here to arrest us because we're all wanted criminals…"
"And we'll finally get some action!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "Shootout in an English country house! Oh, I take it back, this is better than Christie ever was! I'm getting first dibs on firearms - race you to the gun room, Harl!" he shouted, rushing down the stairs with Harley running after him.
"Now do try to keep calm, Jervis…" began Crane, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Calm?!" repeated Tetch. "Instead of my murdering brother being brought to justice, he's going to bring the law in to fight us, even though we're not the guilty ones here! The situation is not the least bit fair or right, and it's gotten completely out of hand, thanks to the criminal lunatics who forced themselves upon my company when all I wanted to do was go home and settle some family business! It's just…it's just…nonsense!"
Everyone was silent. "Come have a cup of tea, sir," said Pennyworth, gently. "Sometimes that's all we can do, when the world is nonsense."
"And just wait for Simeon and the police to get here?" demanded Tetch.
"Unless you can think of a reasonable alternative, sir," replied Pennyworth, nodding.
Tetch sighed, shaking his head. "No, I cannot," he muttered. "But then being reasonable is very difficult for a madman. And I am mad, you know. Quite, quite mad."