It wasn't long before headlights appeared outside the house, and Tetch, Crane, Two-Face, Ivy, and Pennyworth, who were all gathered in the kitchen, heard a loud banging on the front door.
"This is the police force firearms unit! Open up or we will be forced to open fire!"
"Open this, coppers!" laughed a familiar voice, and then they heard several shots coming from outside.
"God dammit, Joker!" roared Tetch, jumping to his feet and racing to the gun room. He saw that Joker and Harley had taken up guns and positions by the windows, firing at the officers standing by the police car outside.
"You're right, Tetchy – your Daddy kept these in great, working condition!" giggled Joker, smiling at him.
"Stop shooting at them!" shouted Tetch, trying to grab the gun away. "We're in enough trouble as it is…"
"You're only in trouble if they take you alive, and no English copper is taking me alive!" retorted Joker. "Oooh, bad aim, limey!" he chuckled, as a bullet whizzed through the window high above him. "This kinda shoddy result is what happens when you don't give the people guns!"
"Joker, we have to stop this madness now, before it gets any more out of hand…" began Tetch.
"Stop? But we've barely started having any fun!" chuckled Joker, grabbing the gun out of his grip and firing it at the police again.
"Joker…" began Tetch, desperately, but he was surprised to see the police officers suddenly letting out screams and dashing away from the house, scattering into the darkness.
"What on earth…" said Tetch.
"I thought some fear gas would diffuse the situation," said Crane, calmly, entering the room. "And fortunately I brought a supply with me in my suitcase, which the customs officers didn't think to seize."
"Way to ruin my fun, Johnny!" snapped Joker, throwing down the gun irritably. "I hadn't killed anyone in like two days, and now I'm gonna have to wait even longer! I hope you're happy!" He suddenly picked up the gun again. "C'mon, Harley - maybe if we hurry we can still hunt 'em down!" he shouted, racing from the room with Harley trailing behind him.
"Oh Jonathan, I could kiss you!" said Tetch in relief.
"Well don't, Joker would talk," replied Crane with a smile. "Now if we're lucky, by the time they locate those missing police officers and send more, we'll be long gone from here. Pennyworth can say he was threatened by us, so he won't be arrested. But I think we should probably start packing as soon as possible."
"Yes," agreed Tetch. "Yes, you're right. Tell the others we're leaving, will you? I just…would like a moment alone with the house, since this is probably the last time I'll see it."
"Of course," said Crane, nodding. He left him alone, and Tetch wandered out of the gun room and into the game room, staring around at all the stuffed animals.
"It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck and a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures," murmured Tetch, looking around the room. "Alice led the way, and the whole party swam to the shore. They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank - the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, and uncomfortable…"
"What kinda poof nonsense are you talking now?" muttered a familiar voice behind him. Tetch turned slowly to see, emerging from behind the stuffed rhinoceros, his brother, carrying a revolver.
"Simeon," he whispered. "You weren't outside…with the police?"
"I called 'em from outside," retorted Simeon, nodding. "But then I snuck back in here to wait for you. Couldn't leave without doing what I came here to do. Dad taught us that – a real man sees a job through to the end. Or at least, he taught me that," he said, pointing the gun at him.
"So you're going to just shoot me, is that it?" demanded Tetch. "And how will you explain that? It's not a gun backfiring from a coincidental pebble, is it?"
"No, but then I don't think the law will be too hard on me for defending myself from a convicted criminal, and a madman," retorted Simeon, smiling. "I'll say you attacked me – it wasn't the first time I'd been attacked by madmen tonight. And this way I can make sure you're dead. I prefer guns anyway. Much quicker than gas - I set that leaking before I left for Ivy's and it still didn't kill you. Anyway, I like to be there at the kill. To see the dying twitches and screams, just like those pathetic rabbits you used to get so upset over. I'm surprised you ain't squealing like 'em now."
"I'll die like a man, thank you," retorted Tetch. "And then at least one of us will be a man at last."
He stared down the barrel of the gun. "Did Mother and Father know you murdered them?" he whispered.
Simeon snorted. "They weren't stupid, Germy. They weren't coherent at the end, but they knew. I watched the gun explode, and heard their screams, and then I left them in the woods until they died. Then I drove them to the hospital, too late to save 'em, of course," he added, with a grin. "But I needed the money for my business, and they weren't dying anytime soon, so I decided to speed up the process and save them the trouble."
"And you're going to kill me for the money you'll make from the sale of this house," finished Tetch, nodding. "Murdering your own flesh and blood for something as common as money – it's utterly despicable, Simeon."
"Well, I'll be rich, and you'll be dead, so I don't really care what you think, Germy," retorted Simeon. "Not that I ever did. Anyway, it ain't just for the money – I get a title too. And Lord Tetch will make the birds really wanna shag ya, doncha think? Not you, of course, Germy – nobody would ever wanna shag you, title or not. You were always a weak, pathetic little excuse for a man, and I'm not just doing myself a favor by killing you. I'm doing the world a favor. You remember that litter of hunting dogs Dad raised when we were boys? You remember what he did with the runt?"
Tetch nodded slowly. "He shot it," he whispered.
"Should have done the same to you," muttered Simeon. "Better late than never though, right?" he laughed, cocking the gun. "Goodbye, Germy."
Tetch heard a bang and closed his eyes…and then opened them as Simeon suddenly fell to the ground, unconscious. Tetch looked up to see Pennyworth standing behind him, holding a candlestick above his head.
Tetch let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Pennyworth," he whispered.
"Sir," said Pennyworth, nodding. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tape recorder. "I've also got Master Simeon's confession recorded. When the police arrive, he will be arrested and sent to prison. So all's well that ends well."
Tetch nodded. "We're leaving as soon as possible, before the police come back," he murmured. "I'm afraid I'll have to leave the responsibility for the sale of the house in your hands."
"I would be honored to aid you in any way, Lord Tetch," said Pennyworth. "And I won't deny that it will be a good excuse to stay in communication with you," he added, smiling. "Shall I begin packing your bags?"
"If you would," agreed Tetch. "Oh, and Pennyworth?"
"Sir?" he said, turning.
"Another cup of tea, if you'd be so kind. My nerves are quite shot."
"Right away, sir," said Pennyworth, smiling and heading to the kitchen.