"I'm so excited to hear what everyone thinks of the movie!" whispered Harley Quinn, pacing up and down as they all sat in the lobby of the small movie theater hosting the preview screening in London. "Mr. J's in there with the producer now having everyone fill out comment cards."
"And he's not afraid of a lawsuit either, huh, Harley?" asked Poison Ivy, lightly.
"He says nobody's gonna dare sue Mr. J, and he's right," retorted Harley. "The author can keep her life, or the rights to her work, but she can't keep both!"
The door opened at that moment and the Joker strode out, smiling and holding a packet of comment cards. "The producer and the audience are still in there enjoying the complimentary refreshments, but I just came out to give you the good news, Harl," he said, handing them to her.
"They liked it?" she squeaked, eagerly. "They really did?"
"See for yourself!" he chuckled.
Harley's bright eyes scanned the comment cards, and her beaming smile slowly fell. "'That Mr. J guy is super hot – I will be fantasizing about him from now on,'" she read aloud. She flipped to another one. "'I wish my husband was more like that Mr. J – where can I find a man like him?'" And then another. "'Mr. J is every girl's dream, and when I'm having sex with my boyfriend tonight, I will be imagining that sexy beast instead.'"
"Pretty flattering, huh?" chuckled Joker. "And ain't it nice that people share your good taste, Harley?"
"Oh…yeah, it is, Mr. J," said Harley, slowly, her mind suddenly filling with thoughts of the future, where the movie became a phenomenon, and Mr. J was hounded by millions of screaming, crazy fangirls, who might try to do something extreme like kill Harley to get to Mr. J. Or even if they didn't, they'd try to send him love letters and panties and break in to Arkham to spy on him in the shower…she just couldn't deal with that kind of competition.
"'I've fallen completely head over heels in love with Mr. J,'" she read. "'He almost seems too perfect to be real, but if he is real, he can find me at this address – Megan Bryan, 18 Lee Street, York'…ok, that's it!" she shrieked, suddenly snapping as she flung the cards over her shoulder. "I have to stop the madness now, before it can spread!"
"Harley, what are you talking about? Harley, what are you doing? Harley…" began Joker, as she suddenly ripped the flower off his buttonhole and raced into the room.
"Eat Joker toxin, freaks!" she screamed, spraying it everywhere. "Mr. J is mine! Mine, you hear me?! And no crazy fangirls are gonna try to compete with me for him!"
She grabbed the film out of the projector and then raced out, slamming and locking the door and leaving everyone in there to laugh themselves to death.
"Harley, what…" began Joker again, but she had already seized a lighter from his jacket pocket and lit the film on fire. Then she dropped it to the ground, stamping on the ashes.
"I'm sorry, Mr. J," she said. "But it was too dangerous to show to the general public. They had to be protected from it. You give people movies like that and they start getting ideas, dangerous, crazy ideas. And then their minds can't cope, and they snap, and then we have madness in the streets! And I can't deal with that kinda competition, can you?"
Joker shrugged. "I'm always up for a little chaos. But you might be right, Harley – I'm not sure I want to be turned into a romantic figure. That'll ruin some of my hard, badass, masculine appeal. And you being so excited about this movie and then burning it and killing everyone who's seen it is really quite the joke, pooh," he said, kissing her. "Quite the joke indeed."
Jervis Tetch sighed, standing up. "Well, if that insult to nonsense is all over with, can we please get to the airport? We don't want to miss our flight back to Gotham."
"Yeah, it'll be good to be home," said Joker. "I don't much care for your country, Tetchy – it's got no respect for senseless violence. Plus I've been missing a certain…"
There was a crash through the window, and everyone turned to see Batman standing up, glaring at them all.
"Batsy!" cried Joker, throwing up his hands. "Speak of the devil! What took you so long?"
Batman threw him a hard punch across the face. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused?!" he roared. "International incidents on a global scale, an attack on Buckingham Palace, a robbery of the Crown Jewels, a huge list of random murders, and an armed attack on the English police force, to name just a few! Do you have any idea how much work it's going to take to sort out all of that, and restore friendly relations between the United States and the United Kingdom?! Do you?!"
"Nope," retorted Joker, smiling at him. "Is it a lot?"
Batman punched him again. "The Batwing's outside – everyone get into it now and I promise I'll confine my rage to the Joker," growled Batman, turning to the others.
Tetch, Crane, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy all hurried outside to obey him, while Harley stayed behind to defend Joker. But judging by his screams and cries of "No, Batsy, not the spine!" she wasn't much help.
But the Joker was still smiling when Batman dragged his battered form back to the Batwing along with an unconscious Harley. "Hey, this ain't first class!" snapped Joker, looking around. "Where's the complimentary champagne?"
Batman grabbed the back of his head, slamming his forehead into the dashboard and finally knocking him unconscious too. "Thank you, Batman," sighed Tetch. "We've already had to suffer through a ten hour flight with him conscious, and it's not an experience I care to repeat."
Batman growled. "I assume it's your fault they came here of all places?" he demanded, as he lifted the plane off the ground.
"Yes, I had some personal, family business to sort out," retorted Tetch.
"Well, it's caused an international incident, like I said," growled Batman. "So I hope you're happy, Mr. Tetch."
Tetch leaned back in his seat. "Yes, I am," he murmured, watching his native land grow smaller and smaller beneath them. "And that's Lord Tetch to you," he added with a smile.
The End