The Gift of Resilience - Re-Vamped

by KNeu21

(RV2)S to 'TGoMisfortune'-Set during NM:RE-VAMPED VERSION! After waking up from a vision to find herself not only back to where she started, Leandra learns how to begin rebuilding the relationships she couldn't live without, and struggling to recall the details. While trying to avoid becoming the monster she fears she is destined to become. COMPLETE!

11. Chapter 11

ImPORTANT NOTE!: Some not so pleasant themes in this chapter. If you're sensitive to mentions of abuse, I'd stay cautious. Heads up.

Chapter Eleven

I wasn't even sure what to call the noise I made as I ran forward.

"Whoa." Josh laughed, returning my hug as I nearly knocked him over. Zack, finally noticing my presence, laughed at the sight, "Miss me much?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, letting him go to look at him, "N-Not that I'm not happy you are, but.."

"Dad wanted to visit his sister for Christmas." He answered with a grin, "Surprised?" I nodded, "Good. I thought I was going to explode with that secret."

I laughed also, hugging him again. Pinning his arms to his sides so he couldn't hug me back.

"You're never, ever allowed to leave." I told him, "Ever, ever, ever." I squeezed him tighter with each word, and he grunted a little, but laughed.

"You're pretty strong for a girl." Josh pointed out, "I missed you too, but I can't breathe." He grunted another laugh as I squeezed once more before letting him go.

"What about me?" Zack asked, pouting a little. I hugged him next, squeezing him until he grunted as well.

"You can stay too, I guess." I replied, but he knew I was joking, given his laugh along with mine.

I honestly couldn't believe they were standing there. It felt amazing to actually have them here, and even better, unexpectedly. With her having waited patiently, I looked up at Heather beside them.

"Sorry." I laughed a little, hugging her third. She returned it tightly, laughing as well.

"Zack." I heard Mike call from outside, "Come get this thing."

"Oh yeah." He just remembered, clearly. Rounding, and jogging outside.

"Thank you for bringing them." Esme spoke from behind me, "It means a lot."

"Believe me," Heather replied as I finally stepped back, "It's not a problem. The boys haven't stopped begging since you all left."

Zack returned, and what he held in his hand took my attention.

"For Pete's sake," Mike had followed him in, "Don't shake it."

In his hand, was a smaller, portable aquarium. Inside the small, lidded clear plastic box was a fairly small shell sitting on a bit of dirt and foliage. It was a turtle.

I laughed, peering closer at it. He grinned, lifting it higher for me to see clearer. Obviously freaked out, the turtle stayed hidden. I couldn't blame it.

"My early Christmas present." He reported proudly, "He's a box turtle. I got him, and Josh got a new bike, but he had to leave it at home."

"Hi, sweetie." Mike greeted me with a brief side hug, which I didn't mind returning.

"I hope you didn't name it after me." I muttered, and Zack grinned.

"No." He laughed a little, "I think he looks like my teacher, so I named him Mr. Jerk. Jerk for short."

"Okay, come on." Heather herded us all forward. No doubt so the front door could be shut without running us all over.

"Hold this." Zack requested, holding the box out to me. I immediately took it, and lifted it higher. Carefully, of course, looking at the shell while Zack removed his coat.

"I think its dead." I muttered, but Zack laughed.

"He's not dead." He replied, "Just scared."

"Yoohoo.." I called to it. I resisted the urge to shake the box, just to see if making it bounce around in there would make it decide to pop out.

"Watch." He said, taking the box from me.

"Don't take that dirty thing out right here." Heather told him, knowing exactly what he was thinking, "Leave it in there."

"Aww." Zack muttered, but set the box down carefully on the table. I kneeled down next to him, peering at the turtle while Josh took my other side.

"I swear, that thing has been more fascinating than the TV since he got it." Heather laughed, "I'm surprised it hasn't had a nervous breakdown yet with those eyes constantly watching it."

I didn't mind my place on the floor, staring at the turtle's motionless shell with the boys on either side of me, but Heather and Mike chose the more comfortable option. The couch.

It took several minutes, but sure enough, it started to poke its ugly head out of its shell. It was probably the movement that kept it hidden away. I mostly ignored the discussions around me, focusing on Josh and Zack.

"He lives in this thing?" I asked, lightly tapping the side of the box. Making sure to make no noise.

"No, he's got a bigger cage at the hotel, but I wanted to show him to you." Zack replied, "He's just a baby, so he doesn't need that much room yet. When he gets bigger, it won't be so easy."

I nodded a little, inspecting it closer.

"How long are you guys here for?" I asked, looking over at Josh.

"Here," He replied, meaning this town, "Until Wednesday. Then we go to dad's sister's house in Rochester."

"Oh." I replied, surprised. That was almost a week.

"I guess she's like super excited." Josh laughed a little, "We don't normally show up at her place until summer."

"I'll hide you under my bed." I promised, "So you won't have to go."

"I think they might notice." He replied, and we laughed, "You might get away with hiding Zack, though. Mom forgot him at Wal-Mart once."

"I did not." She caught that, "I didn't even get out of the parking lot."

I laughed anyway, picturing that.

"But you still left him in there." Josh countered, but she waved it off.

"She probably just liked how quiet it was." I pointed out.

"Hey." Zack frowned over at me, but Josh laughed.

I didn't feel as bad showing them my room after that. I had five days to spend with them, and I looked forward to every single one. Besides that, I knew the others probably wanted to get Heather's take on everything regarding Jack without us listening in, so I took the boys up to my room. Turtle and all.

"Holy crap." Zack was as impressed with my room as Alyssa was, but he didn't seem as uncomfortable.

"See?" I asked, "There's plenty of room for you guys in here. Plus there's like a million spare rooms." As much as I was pressing it, I knew they couldn't stay. No matter how much I wanted them to.

While they lounged on my bed, I stepped into my closet and changed out of my pajamas. Choosing a light purple sweater and jeans. While holding a conversation with them.

"What's your school like?" Zack asked me, and I hesitated. I wouldn't mention the fact that I didn't go anymore.

"It's huge." I replied through the partially open door, laughing a little, "Way too many people."

"Bet you wish you'd gone to the one in Forks, huh?" He asked.

"No." I answered, "Not really."

"Well, do you have any friends here?" Josh asked, and I realized. I'd never told them about Alyssa. I wasn't even sure why.

"One." I replied, stepping back out once my jeans were fastened.

"You actually have a friend?" Zack asked, surprised.

"I had two back home, dipshit." I reminded him, "You guys."

"We're different." He pointed out, and I knew he had a point, but I didn't feel like agreeing with him. Josh had found the stuffed turtle, and was tossing it up.

"So?" Josh prompted, "Who is it?"

"Her name's Alyssa." I replied, and Zack smiled.

"Is she cute?"

"Ew." I pushed him off the bed, and he tumbled to the floor, "You're just as bad as she is. Good luck getting passed her brothers, though."

"Brothers?"

"Four of them." I replied, and that eased the smile right off his face, "Three older, one younger, but don't think the younger one is weak."

"We have to meet her before we go." Josh pointed out, poking the bottom of my bare foot, "Just to be sure she's a good friend for you."

"If she's not, it's a little late to be worried about it."

"Good point." He muttered, "But still."

"Did you ever talk about us?" Zack asked, sitting back down.

"All the time." I replied almost proudly, "She wouldn't say no to meeting you guys. It's getting permission to go over there that's going to be the problem."

"Why?" Josh frowned.

"She doesn't live that far from here." I replied, "But it's her brothers that are the problem. A couple of them, they're.. Not very nice, and Emmett doesn't think I should be around them. I don't blame him."

"I'll kick their butt for you." Josh smiled a little, and though I returned it, I shook my head.

"You wouldn't want to do that." I sighed, "Trust me. Maybe later, we can go visit Mikah, and see if it's okay to head over there."

"Now, who's Mikah?" Zack frowned.

"One of her nice brothers." I laughed, "He works at a store nearby. He's always working in the afternoons."

"Why don't you just have Emmett go over there and kick their butt?" Zack asked.

"Because I don't want him to have to pay any hospital bills."

"Yikes." He muttered, looking down at the turtle trying to crawl up the side of the small aquarium.

"Yeah." I sighed, "He'd do too much damage."

"What'd they do anyway?" Josh asked.

"Said some stuff they shouldn't have." I shrugged a little, "Don't ask."

"What'd they say?" Zack asked anyway, and I laughed. He only did it to be funny, though.

I hadn't even really realized before just how much I still missed them. I had no doubts this was planned by someone, and I was determined to find out who it was, so I could thank them a million times. Despite the way they couldn't stay, I would make the most of these next five days.

To pass the time, Zack insisted I hold the stupid turtle. Before he even placed it in my hands, it folded back into its shell. I held it anyway, looking it over. It peeked out at me, but didn't move to show itself.

"Animals don't like me." I laughed a little.

"Maybe you smell weird." Zack muttered as I handed the turtle back to him.

"Maybe." I sniffed the sleeve of my sweater, but didn't find anything wrong with it. Josh took my arm and sniffed my sleeve as well. Shaking his head with a shrug, he didn't find anything off either.

"For the record," I said, "It's rude to sniff someone when they haven't said you could."

"Sorry." He laughed, "But you smell fine to me."

"I got attacked by a cat because I tried to pick it up." I told them, "I would hate to see what would happen if I ever showed up at a zoo." The turtle poked its head out, and I laughed, "See? That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of ugly things."

"Jerk isn't ugly." Zack defended him, "He's.. Uh.." He looked him over, "Okay, yeah. He's a little ugly."

As it turned out, I didn't have to go to Alyssa's house. It'd been a few days since I last saw her, so apparently, she wanted to come over. The doorbell sounded suspiciously like her arrival, so I led the boys back downstairs before anyone had to call me.

"Hey." I smiled a little as I spotted her just being let in the door. Mikah right behind her. To my surprise, Alex and Emily behind him. Why did they feel the need to bring along half their family?

"I'm sorry." She said the second she saw me, and I blinked in surprise.

"For what?" I asked.

"Well, for Sammy." She replied, glancing to the boys behind me.

"You already said that." I reminded her with a laugh, "It's okay. Sorry I couldn't go by the store last week."

"You're not mad?" She asked.

"I'm not mad." I replied easily, "Why would I be mad at you for what your stupid brother said?"

"Emily." Mikah called her quietly, probably to keep her from touching stuff.

"I think we run a daycare now." Emmett pointed out from the side, but the look Esme gave him made me laugh a little.

"I was even going to come over." I pointed out, continuing on with Alyssa, "Either later today, or tomorrow."

"We beat you to it." Mikah chuckled, lifting Emily off her feet, and I gave him a look.

The introductions took a little while, but soon enough, everyone was caught up with everyone. It was about that time that I realized just what all these humans were probably doing to poor Jasper, but then again, I hadn't seen him all morning. Maybe Alice rescued him before he needed rescuing, knowing Heather was on her way with everyone.

Just in case, however, I led all the kids outside, since they outnumbered the human adults.

Mikah helped Emily with building a miniature village made of snow off near the safety of the porch, while the rest of us had a pretty heated snowball fight. Unfortunately, Alyssa and I were outnumbered by one, but not long into the fight, Alex switched teams. Then I switched teams, nailing him in the face with a tightly packed ball of snow.

Then Josh, Zack, and I all watched as Alyssa turned on Alex, and they started pelting each other. Zack and Josh joined in that game, sibling against sibling, which I really didn't feel like trying to participate in. So I found a decent observing seat on the front wall. If Zack was worried about Alyssa throwing like a girl, he had no reason to be. She hit Josh more times than he did.

Not long into watching them, I found my attention was taken by Mikah. Watching him helping Emily, but she really didn't need any help. He was mostly just there to keep her company, talking to her so she didn't need to play rough with the older kids.

For once, he caught me watching him, and I didn't bother looking away. He smiled a little at me, and I returned it. He went back to talking to Emily, seconds before I caught a snowball to the face, and fell backwards off the wall with a yelping squeak.

Falling four feet into the snowdrift behind me wasn't as fun as someone would think, considering that height was taller than I was, but it could have been a lot worse had something sharp or solid been hidden in the snow. I wasn't even sure who had thrown it, but found that out seconds later.

"I'm so sorry." Josh peered over the wall at where I still laid, "Are you okay?" The others caught up, all peering over the wall at me too. Including Mikah.

"I'm fine." I laughed after a few more seconds, rolling over to get up. Josh offered his hand, and I gratefully took it, pulling myself up.

"I was aiming for Zack, but he ducked." Josh explained.

"Maybe I shouldn't sit there." I laughed a little, dusting the snow off my coat. With that, Alyssa got everyone else right back into their little war.

It was freezing out here, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed.

"I hope your friends can handle rough play." Mikah murmured, and I looked over at him.

"Trust me." I replied, "If anyone can handle playing rough, it's those two." He smiled a little, nodding. We found a seat on the front porch steps beside where Emily built snow-people, oblivious to anything else.

"I'm sorry I called you an asshole that day." I finally told him, and he laughed. I hadn't apologized for that yet.

"Well, I deserved it." He replied, looking down at me, "I shouldn't have assumed you were seven. That was very insensitive of me."

I looked down, smiling to myself. Dusting my gloved hands free of snow.

"So." He spoke up, "Alyssa and I had a very interesting discussion yesterday." I stayed quiet, not sure what he was getting at. He continued, "She finally fessed up about where she's been going for a couple of hours every day." I winced. He knew about her job.

"Don't be mad at her." I requested quietly, "There's so much more to her than her age."

"I'm not mad at her." He replied, "And you're right. It's just hard for me to see her as anything but that kid." I smiled a little. I playfully pushed against his shoulder.

"She's growing up, big brother." I pointed out.

"I know." He chuckled a little, "But a job? That happened overnight."

"If she can handle it, why not?" I asked, "You've done so much for them. Let her help out."

He sighed, "I was hoping she'd put that off for at least a few more years." I stayed quiet. Not sure what to say. Eventually, he sighed again and looked over at me, "But you know, there's a lot more to you than your age, too."

"Nah." I muttered, "I'm nothing special. Not like her."

"You're wrong." He replied, "Everyone has more to them than they're willing to see. I'm the first to admit that, but you.." He trailed off.

"She told you." I mumbled, figuring it out. I glanced up at him, and his soft, apologetic smile gave it away. I shook my head a little, "Now you know why I needed you to do something. It meant a lot to me."

He nodded a little, "I can see why."

"I didn't have it so easy." I added, "I never wanted a brother or sister before. Now I kind of wish I did have one."

"But you do."

"Back then, I mean." I replied and he nodded, "Someone worth being strong for." We fell quiet for a few seconds, until I mumbled, "What all did she say?"

"She said.." He paused, "That what you went through was a little tough."

"I wasn't really honest with her." I muttered, and he frowned a little, "What I went through was worse than what I told her." He nodded a little, understanding now, "But I didn't want her to know how bad it could get."

"Leandra, she's a big girl." He reminded me, "She's tougher than you're giving her credit for."

"I know." I mumbled, looking down, "But there are some things that are just mine."

"The movie?" He prompted, and I nodded, "Right."

"I won't tell her about that part." I assured him, "I won't do that to her. Sometimes, she just seems so different, but other times, she's so much like me."

"Despite what she's been through," He explained, "She's still blind to a big bit of the worst side of humanity. Shockingly, considering what kind of people Sammy and Jon are. They haven't completely ruined that for her yet. For that, I am grateful."

I nodded a little, agreeing with him.

"Leandra," He spoke again, "I just want you to know that.. Well, what you've done for us is amazing."

"I didn't do anything." I frowned a little.

"Without your insisting, nothing would have changed." He pointed out, "Then, to find out how much you've been through yourself? Do you know how amazing you are? Do you even understand what kind of person that makes you?"

I stayed quiet, my eyes stinging with welling tears in the cold.

"The price.." He spoke quieter now, "The price you've paid for someone who never deserved to know your name is a lot. I can't imagine what kind of toll that's taken on you, and for that, I can only say I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I know that." He replied, "But I am. I'm truly sorry, Leandra. I'm sorry for what he's done to someone so wonderful. He didn't know what he had."

I was trying so hard not to cry.

"But you know.." He went on, "For what it's worth, I'm truly grateful to know you." That surprised me, "I admire you. More than you know, and now I can finally understand the strength I see in you." He smiled a little, and once more, it was contagious. I smiled a little, sniffling and looking back down.

"Well." He chuckled after a minute of silence, "Now that I've thoroughly made an ass of myself.."

"No." I replied, shaking my head, "Thanks. Thank you for telling me that." I looked over at him, "Don't you have to work today?"

"Nah." He said, "I took the day off, actually. I figured that old store wouldn't miss me for one afternoon. Talking with Alyssa last night, I figured out that I've been working more than spending time with her and the other kids. I need to spend more time with them. She wanted to come over here, so I figured it couldn't hurt. She was so worried that you were mad at her."

"I'm not mad at her." I laughed a little, "I don't know why she thinks I would be."

"I can understand it." He nodded a little, "After she told me what Sammy pulled. I wouldn't have blamed Emmett one bit if he'd pummeled him."

"I don't want that." I replied, "Not for Sammy's benefit, but for Emmett's. He's too good of a person to beat somebody up like that over someone like me."

"For the record, I would have." Mikah pointed out, "Without hesitation."

We both fell quiet, turning to look back as the door opened behind us. Carlisle, Esme, Heather and Mike all filed outside onto the porch, the turtle's box in Heather's hand, protected in one side of her coat, so I gathered that it was about time for the boys to get going. It'd been a long drive, no doubt. I knew they didn't take a plane here, because I recognized the SUV sitting in the driveway as Mike's.

"Boys." Heather called as I stood up, "Come here."

"Aw." Zack immediately whined, ignoring the snowball that splatted against his head, "But we just got here."

"Just come here." She insisted, and they both sighed heavily, crossing the yard. Both obviously disappointed. Up the steps, both covered in snow. She laughed a little at the looks on their faces, "Carlisle and Esme have agreed to let you stay the night here."

Instantly their disappointment faded, and they grinned.

"But." Mike spoke up, "On one condition. Both of you will be on your best behavior. The best behavior you can ever imagine." They both nodded at once, "No crude jokes or noises. I mean that, Zack. No running around. You'll go to bed when they say it's bedtime, no complaints."

"No problem." Josh grinned, "We'll be perfect angels."

"I'm scared." Mike admitted, looking to Heather.

"They'll be fine." Esme assured them with a laugh, "I'm sure they'll be perfect gentlemen." I snorted, but Josh gave me a look.

"It'll be nice to get some rest after that drive." Heather admitted with a sigh, "You're sure you're up for this?"

"It's quite alright." Carlisle replied, and she smiled.

"Okay." Heather sighed again as she looked to the boys, "Behave yourselves." She kissed both of them on the head, and both complained in embarrassment, "We'll be back to get you two in the morning. They have permission to whoop your butts if you pull any stunts you shouldn't. Remember that." They both winced, "And if they have to, you get another one from Dad when we find out." I doubted they'd do that, even if they did really deserve it, but they didn't know that.

That sealed it, given their immediate nods. They'd behave.

I was a bit distracted as seconds later, Alyssa dropped a handful of snow down the back of my coat, so I had to turn around and chase her, only to get tackled by Alex. He came running from the side, knocking both him and I off our feet.

That was even less fun than falling off the wall, but I couldn't help laughing a little at how that must have looked to everyone else.

"Like that was fair." I faked a glare, struggling out from under him, only to turn and shove his face into the snow.

"We'll be seeing you tomorrow, Leandra." Mike called to me, and I immediately stood up.

"Okay." I replied, "Thank you for letting them stay."

"Believe me, it's no problem." He chuckled, "They're your headache for tonight." I knew he was joking, as he hugged Zack.

Alyssa and the others stayed for dinner, which was an adventure, to say the least. Esme, however, definitely seemed up to the task of feeding six frozen and starving kids, and Mikah.

I hadn't stopped for a bad memory yet. Aside from the talk I had with Mikah, I hadn't thought of anything in that direction all day. I hadn't had a chance to. Between running up and down the stairs for various reasons, trying to keep up with the conversations of the others, and often more than one person wanting my attention for whatever question or statement they had at a time, I was thoroughly distracted.

I lost count of how many times we laughed at something stupid said, and it was nice to just laugh for no reason again, and to have everyone on the same page sense of humor wise. Aside from Emily, everyone found the same things funny that I found funny. Josh might have been two years older than half of us, but he didn't act like it.

Mikah was less than eager to allow Alyssa to stay the night too, though. So they eventually went home, leaving only Josh and Zack with me.

Running off or exploring didn't cross any of our minds the entire time, and I was pretty sure that was what made everything go as smoothly as it did. Emmett chose the movies we watched, and though I was pretty skeptical at first, he chose ones with minimal blood but plenty of explosions to keep the boys entertained.

It was bedtime sometime after eleven, as we were all pretty worn out at that point. I didn't mind sharing my bed again, even though it was a little tighter of a squeeze this time. We went to bed, and stayed there. Aside from laying there, laughing about stupid stuff for a few minutes, we all eventually dropped off to sleep. Josh was first, laying between us, so Zack joked about painting little flowers all over his face. As funny as that was, neither of us insisted on it.

Neither of the boys asked about the nightlight, aside from pointing out how useful it would be at night when someone needed to find the bathroom. I managed a few hours of sleep, but snoozed the rest. Thankfully, Zack's light snoring on the far side of the bed woke me up before a nightmare could. Josh managed to wake me up at some point during the night too, trying to climb out of bed without waking anyone up. I faked staying asleep, though, just so he didn't feel bad.

For the third day in a row, it was cloudy in the morning, but I had a feeling it would clear up later, because it wasn't snowing anymore. Apparently, we were "awake" before Esme this time, but Zack's hunger wouldn't wait, so the cereal and milk came out downstairs in the kitchen.

A light argument about whether or not a person could sneeze while they were fully asleep ensued, because that was how Josh knew Zack was awake.

Zack's argument was that if a person could fart while they're fully asleep, then they could sneeze, but I argued that it wasn't the same thing. Not even close. That while a person was fully asleep, they didn't feel the tickle it took to make them sneeze. They didn't feel anything. They'd have to be at least a little bit awake to feel it, and the sneeze would wake them up even more.

Josh agreed with me, but Zack stood by his argument.

Esme and Carlisle found us right about the time our argument was winding down.

"No you can't." I shook my head. Meaning, sneeze while asleep.

"Yes you can." He replied just as confidently.

"No." I countered.

"Yes." He sighed.

"Can't."

"Can."

"Can't." He was annoying me.

"Can."

"What are you two arguing about?" Esme asked with a quiet laugh, but I knew she knew what it was.

"Zack says a person can sneeze while fully asleep," Josh explained, "Leandra says a person can't. So how 'bout this.." He looked to me, "No, you can." He looked to Zack, "And yes, you can't. There. It's settled."

That confused both of us enough to shut us up. By the time we figured out what he'd said, the argument was gone. I gave Zack a look and he returned it. I knew I was right, but he wouldn't admit it.

"She's actually right." Carlisle told him, "Once fully asleep, you cannot sneeze."

"Ha." I grinned at him.

"Why not?" Zack frowned.

"As she accurately stated, while you're asleep, you don't feel the need to sneeze as the nerves that send the sneeze reaction are shut down. Along with many others."

"Ha." I said again, laughing a little.

"You would have to wake up at least enough to wake up those nerves in order to sneeze." He added, and Zack nodded.

Surprisingly, I was actually allowed to go out to lunch with them and their parents, but I couldn't help thinking about the way I knew I was watched, and not in the good way. I knew the general color of the car Jack was in, so every dark blue car I saw parked or driving by, I looked closer at. Seeing nobody I recognized.

After awhile, though, I stopped letting that distract me. I made sure to stick close to either Mike or Heather, just in case. I knew neither of them would let anything happen to me, even if this area hadn't been packed with people. We really did live on the outskirts of the city. It made me dizzy to think about how big this city actually was.

I hadn't seen this side of the city before. Not stopping to be able to look around, so it was pretty exciting to me. The sun showed up that afternoon, the sky streaked with left over clouds, but hardly doing anything to block the sunlight. Though the sun was out now, it was still really cold.

Zack and Josh managed to find a patch of ice they hadn't gotten to with the salt, and went 'ice skating'. I wasn't brave enough to try it, so I just watched. About the third time they landed on their butt, Mike put a stop to that with a warning about cracking their head open.

No matter how much fun I had that day, though, I couldn't deny that I was eager to get back home. I was dropped off after an early dinner, but this time, they took the boys with them after visiting with Esme for a few minutes. Another behavior report, but I wasn't worried. I was more often than not better behaved than the boys were.

After that, every day was a repeat of the day before, out and about with the boys and their parents, and with all this activity, I found I slept deeper than I had in so long. The way I slept reminded me a lot of when I'd take the sleep-aid, but without being locked in my head the whole night. The most I'd wake up was to find my way to the bathroom at two in the morning, but it was always right back to bed.

This was more familiar than my entire time here. Just like it was back home, spending time away from my family and giving them a break while they knew I was safe. More importantly, I knew I was safe. I knew Heather wasn't ever taking any chances with us, and not just because Josh and Zack were her life.

I missed this more than I thought before, but before I even knew it, it was the last day I'd have them. I had so many new pictures of them, so that was a small plus to the bigger, sadder situation. I didn't want them to go.

I chose to walk with them later that afternoon, though. Surprisingly, I was allowed to walk with them to Alyssa's house. Without Heather or Mike, I found myself a little more paranoid, but they didn't let that keep me worried for very long.

"I'm jealous." Zack muttered, and I looked over at him, "You have so much to do around here."

"I miss home." I admitted, sighing, "It's too big here. Harder to find someone who might need found."

"Like?" He asked, frowning in confusion.

"In general." I replied.

"Well, it's boring at home." He added, about to step off the sidewalk to cross the street. Taking a hold of the back of his coat, I yanked him back as seconds later, a car drove by. In an extra hurry, since the stop light for them had just turned yellow.

"Thanks." He whimpered, and I nodded a little. That really reminded me of Mikah, though, and surprisingly, my sadness eased quite a bit.

"See?" He pointed out once it was safe to cross, "Back home, I don't almost get hit by cars. It's boring." I had to shake my head.

I couldn't help it. Stopping in at the store to pay Mikah a visit. He greeted us with a smile, like he always did. I smiled back a lot easier than I had before, and I definitely started to notice a difference in the way I felt. It was stupid, I knew, but it wouldn't change.

Instead of hating the way he made me blush, it made me happy. It made me smile. I looked forward to seeing him, and thought about him when I wasn't around him. There was nothing about him that I didn't like.

By the time we left, I thought I'd die from blushing too much, but I didn't care.

"What's with you?" Josh laughed as we rounded the corner to Alyssa's street, "I've never seen you so red. You're as red as Zack's shirt."

"No." I denied instantly, "Nothing."

He laughed, "Uh-huh."

I ignored that, smiling to myself a little as we continued on.

Unfortunately, it was Sammy that answered the door, and without Emmett here, I prepared myself for whatever he might say.

"Well, look who it is." He grinned, "I knew you'd come around."

"I'm here to see Alyssa." I snapped in reply, "Is she here?"

"With that attitude, she's not." He replied casually, leaning against the door frame, "But I can sure entertain you better than she can."

I sighed, "Do I really have to come back with Emmett?"

"I'm not afraid of him." He snorted.

"You should be." I replied, "Trust me. Now is she here or not?" Glancing over, the boys didn't like him either. Josh's look alone was full of enough disgust for the both of us. They didn't much approve of his cocky attitude.

"Maybe." Sammy smiled sweetly, "What do I get if I tell you?"

"Nothing." I muttered with a frown.

"Come on." He chuckled, "I'm not that bad of a person, am I?"

"I think so." I countered. Sighing again, I looked to Zack and Josh, "Come on. We'll come back later with Emmett." Before I could even fully turn, Sammy chuckled.

"Alyssa." He called toward the stairs, "Your bitch of a friend is here." I glared at him. He stepped back, waving us in sarcastically, "Come on in, your highness."

"No thanks." I grumbled, "I'd rather wait out here, thanks."

"I really get to you, don't I?" He chuckled, obviously entertained, "Keep me in mind, baby."

"Only if I get to set you on fire." I countered, and that only made him grin wider.

"I know you don't like me," He told me, "But I sure like you." He reached out and cupped my chin, but before I could punch him, Zack shoved his hand away at the wrist.

"Oh, tough little guy." Sammy murmured, looking Zack over.

"Yeah." He agreed sharply, "Leave her alone. She doesn't like you."

"So?" He laughed.

"So." Zack replied, "She's like a sister to me. Touch her again, I'll rip your hand off and shove it down your throat." I wasn't sure if he was fully aware of how much bigger Sammy was than him, but I also wasn't sure if he cared. Either way, it'd be at least two against him, since I knew Josh wouldn't leave his little brother to defend himself alone.

"Sammy, leave her alone." Alyssa came jogging down the stairs, probably in a hurry to rescue me from him. Undeterred by Zack's anger, Sammy kissed at me before turning and walking away.

Alyssa glared after him, much the same way I did, before stepping outside with me. I took a breath, looking over at Zack.

"Thanks." I told him, and he smiled a little. He was still pissed, though, but I couldn't blame him for that.

"What's his problem?" Josh asked her, gesturing Sammy's direction before she shut the door.

"I don't even know." She sighed in reply.

"Isn't he a little old for her?" He asked, calmer now. Probably to keep her from thinking he blamed her.

"His girlfriends now are eleven." She replied, "He and Jon make it a game."

"A game?" I asked.

"Yeah." She said, "How many girls Sammy can claim are his girlfriends at once. The younger ones are easier to convince, I guess. It's stupid." I wasn't entirely sure she knew what exactly he was probably doing with those girlfriends, but I wasn't about to explain it to her either.

"Well, I'm not going to be one of them." I muttered.

"He says that makes it better." She replied, "It makes it more fun for him that you hate him so much."

"Ugh." I grumbled.

"Well, he needs to stop it." Josh muttered, "I give Emmett permission to knock him out." I laughed a little, which helped my mood, "I wouldn't think any less of him."

"He wants to." I replied, "But anyway.." I wanted to change the subject as I looked to Alyssa, "Zack and Josh are leaving tomorrow morning."

"Aw." She frowned.

"I know." I pouted a little, "Their mom would notice if I stashed them, though, so I can't keep them."

"We can stash them here." She laughed, "Not much room, but we just have to wait for their parents to give up and leave." It made me feel better, knowing they got along so well.

We wound up staying a little while, just talking outside, but eventually, Alyssa got cold. Not really wanting to go inside to be harassed by Sammy even more, she said her goodbyes out here.

Walking back to my house without incident. I had to briefly stop again at the store, only to get a joking bark from Mikah.

"Get on home, young lady." He told me, "Don't you know it's cold outside?"

"It is?" I asked, surprised and he chuckled.

We were discussing Sammy by the time we got back, and unfortunately, the discussion didn't end when we got there. Naturally, Zack had to recount everything for their parents, but I couldn't blame them for that either. It irritated them so bad.

I sat between Esme and Heather on the couch, keeping my eyes down and not offering much of my own explanation, considering the boys pretty much had it covered.

I did add one thing.

"Zack was pretty brave." I muttered, nodding, "Sammy is bigger than Josh."

"Yeah." He sheepishly agreed, "That would have really sucked, but I would have done a number on him too."

"I don't want that." I told him, "Just ignore him."

"I can't just ignore him when he's talking to you like that." He frowned, "You nuts?" I rolled my eyes a little, but I'd let him have this one, "He's a creep. Alyssa's cool, and so is Mikah, but that kid needs a good ass kicking."

"Zack." Heather corrected him and he looked to her.

"What?" He asked, "It's true. You'd think so too if you heard him. All he wants is to add her to his group of girlfriends."

"Ugh." I grumbled again, cringing and shaking my head.

"So full of himself." Zack grumbled along with me, "A good butt kicking would do wonders for that stupid ego of his." Heather sighed and shook her head as well, "Alyssa says it's because the younger ones are easier to convince, but I don't think that's how it should be."

"You got that right." Mike agreed with him, "There's a limit." He was pissed too. More tense about it than Heather was, but he was holding it back. He knew as well as I knew what Sammy wanted those girlfriends for.

"I'll never do that." Zack sighed, finally sitting down, "I'd rather stay single if I have to find girls three years younger than me just to get a girlfriend."

I smiled a little over at him. I doubted he'd have to look very far to find a girlfriend when he was old enough to want one anyway. He wasn't bad looking, but neither was Sammy. Zack did have Sammy beat in the personality area, though. He was strange, but he was nice enough. He was nice to everyone, which was why it surprised me to see him angry at Sammy. Before today, I didn't think he had it in him to be actually mad.

"When you're older, say in your twenties, it won't matter as much." Mike pointed out, "But a ten year old? Come on, now. What is that father teaching those boys?"

"It's not their dad." I replied, "It's Jon. Their oldest brother. He's the one teaching Sammy. Mikah tries with him, but there's not much he can do when Sammy listens to Jon more than him."

"Well, it's inexcusable." Mike sighed, "And it's a damn shame. It's delinquents like that that make the world a worse place, if you ask me."

I agreed with him there, but I didn't say anything.

"Don't you fall for it, sweetheart." Mike told me, "You deserve much, much better than scumbags like that." I smiled a little.

"I won't." I replied, "Don't worry about me."

"She likes Mikah more than him anyway." Zack laughed a little, and I reached over, hitting him, "Ow."

"The older one?" Mike asked, and Zack nodded, "Oh, boy." He chuckled.

"No I don't." I denied it instantly.

"Given that blush, I'm less inclined to believe you." Mike said, and I covered my face, much to his amusement.

"She was red earlier." Zack laughed again, and I tried to climb over Heather to shut him up on my own, but she caught me with a laugh of her own. Zack cringed anyway, scooting over out of my reach.

"No I wasn't." I denied again, "Stop making stuff up."

"There's nothing wrong with having a little crush." Heather assured me, before looking to Zack, "Stop picking on her. Remember when you had that crush on your second grade teacher?"

That instantly shut him up. He pursed his lips, looking down, and it was my turn to laugh.

"Really?" I asked, disbelief in my tone.

"Oh, yeah." She replied, laughing again, "He was so in love that he cried when school had to end for the summer. Poor kid was heartbroken. Honestly, though, I've never seen him try so hard in school since."

"Ha." I told him pointedly, "So leave me alone."

"At very least now we know she has good taste." Heather added, "Mikah seems like a really nice boy." She didn't even know the half of it.

I really hated to see them go. Knowing they wouldn't have time to stop in the next morning if they wanted to get where they were going before the next snow storm came by.

"It was great to see you again, sweetie." Heather told me, hugging me, "Take care of yourself, and please be careful." I wasn't sure if she was referring to Sammy or to Jack, but either way, she cared deeply.

"I will." I replied, "You too." I meant that. I had a suspicion that if Jack saw me with them, he'd be pissed.

"Don't you worry about us, honey." She cleared my hair from my face with her palm, "We'll be just fine." I nodded a little, sighing. I hoped she was right.

It was hard seeing them go, but now I had time to spend with my family. I hadn't seen much of them at all lately, and I missed them.

I sighed again, sitting down beside Esme once more.

"I don't want you going over there alone." She told me, and I looked over.

"To Alyssa's house?" I asked, "I thought I wasn't allowed over there alone anyway."

"Definitely not now." She murmured, hugging me into her side. Did the things Zack reported to them really bother her that much? She seemed uneasy.

"I won't." I told her, looking up at her, "I don't want to go over there again without Emmett with me anyway." She nodded to that, believing me. I meant it. Truthfully, I didn't like that attention from Sammy. It bothered me. Maybe she could tell that it bothered me.

The days passed too quickly after that.

I got back into doing my chores eagerly each day, always doing more than I had to, but it was harder to hide from my memories at each look around the lower portion of the house, and smelling the Christmas-sy smells. Cinnamon and pine. Each table, doorway, window, even the damn walls. It was everywhere, and it made me sick.

Christmas Eve night, sometime before ten, I sat lounging on the couch with Emmett. I laid on my side along the couch, him at my feet, occasionally kicking him just for the hell of it as we watched some Christmas movie on TV.

"This movie is stupid." I mumbled, and he looked over.

"It's a classic." He replied incredulously, "How can you think it's stupid?"

"You're a classic." I reminded him, "I'm not."

"So now you're calling me old?"

"Well, the way you said 'classic', you made it seem like a good thing." I smiled a little.

"Nice save." He murmured, narrowing his eyes, "I think I've been a bad influence on you."

"I gotta learn from the best." I shrugged a little, and he grinned. Obviously accepting that compliment.

I paid no attention to Esme descending the stairs quickly, heading into the kitchen for Alice and Rosalie. Excited, as if she just got good news. Carlisle followed slower, coming to stand beside the couch.

Instead of being curious, I raised my foot and kicked Emmett on the shoulder. Apparently having enough, he grabbed my ankle lightly and tugged me closer. I slid along the couch, but I laughed.

He started biting my sock covered toes with a growl. He didn't bite hard, but it tickled, and I couldn't help laughing. Instantly struggling, kicking at his face with my other foot.

"Stop." I giggled, "You're getting my sock all wet and soggy."

He stopped biting my toes, and looked at me, "Well, you're getting my mouth all socky."

"Well, whose fault is that?" I countered, kicking his face again. He huffed, releasing my ankle. I sniffed smugly, adjusting my pajama top's sleeves. I loved this set of pajamas, because they were too big, and very warm. It wasn't that I was cold why I wore them. I just loved how soft they were. Like wearing a blanket.

Carlisle continued to stand there as I rolled away. Sitting at the other end of the couch now as we got back to watching the stupid movie.

It was calm again, and the movie was so boring, I was considering going upstairs to bed. Until the door opened. I bolted even further upright, knowing everyone was already home.

Panic flooded through me in a split second and I all but flew up off the couch with a muted squeak, and streaked straight for the kitchen where I knew Alice and Rosalie sat, probably talking about clothes, and other girl shit.

"What?" Emmett was already laughing.

I was already up to speed, so trying to stop and round the corner, I slid on the smooth floor in my fluffy socks. My feet slid out from under me, causing me to land on my side on the solid wood floor with a grunt. Sliding into a table against the wall outside the kitchen full speed. I sat up mid-slide, trying to stop myself, but I hit the table almost face first. Rattling the glass figures on top of it audibly as my forehead hit the bottom edge, and I laid back heavily.

I thought that only happened in movies.

"Leandra." Emmett was dying of laughter behind me, "Oh God, shorty, I have never seen you move that fast. Come back. It's just Eddy."

"What a greeting." Edward's voice confirmed Emmett's statement. Oddly, I found myself laughing too. How the hell did that happen?

"Ow." I muttered, sitting up and scooting back. I wasn't nearly as amused, though, as Alice was, peering out from the kitchen. She laughed just as much as Emmett did. Esme even wore a small, sympathetic smile as she helped me up. I rubbed my palm against my forehead in an attempt to ease the small ache I had there.

"My, Leandra. I had no idea you were so graceful." Alice grinned, trying to hide her laughter now. Rosalie clearly found it amusing as well, actually smiling from where she sat. Figures she'd only find me hurting myself amusing.

Esme dusted me off a little, and I nodded up at her. Letting her know I was fine. Now I knew what had her so excited, as she hesitantly left my side, and headed straight for Edward.

"Bite me." I grumbled over at Alice, only increasing her amusement and mine along with it. By the time I made it back into the living room, Esme was still hugging Edward.

"I'm fine, if anybody else but the mom cares." I laughed under my breath.

I let it go, though, looking at Edward. He looked like crap. Not doing well at all. He looked worse than I did, and I hadn't slept more than three or four hours a night for the passed few nights. That seemed to have caught his attention.

"And why not?" He asked me, and I paused.

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

"Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"Right." I muttered, "I forgot about your gift for a minute, I guess." He smirked but that was it. It faded immediately, and I knew someone answered him with their thoughts. Obviously getting a full run-down of my issues here. Instead of pressing it, I found my seat beside Emmett. He reached over and lightly poked a finger against the small bump I undoubtedly had on my forehead on.

"Ow." I swatted at him and he chuckled.

"No more running in fuzzy socks." He told me.

"It's not like I planned it." I grumbled back. I looked over as Carlisle decided to take a look at my head, trying to sit still. Emmett chose that time to tickle my side, making me squirm, "Stop. You're messing up my concentration." I tried hard to keep my face straight, but it was funny.

"She's laughing." Emmett pointed out to Carlisle, "She's fine."

"I think you'll be fine." Carlisle agreed with him, and I nodded, "No dizziness?" I shook my head.

"Just a bump." I said, and he nodded.

"Sounded like you hit that table hard." Emmett laughed.

"I'm way tougher than you think I am." I scoffed, "Really."

"Just ask Mikah." He'd obviously overheard the conversation I'd had with Mikah the day they came over, and I immediately glared at him.

"Shush, you." I muttered, and he chuckled.

"I have to agree with him, shorty." He replied, and I looked down. Shaking my head, trying not to think about that. Focusing on Jasper descending the stairs instead.

"Look." I said, though he clearly already knew, "Edward's here."

"I see that." He chuckled, "But thanks."

"You're welcome." I replied proudly.

I watched as they greeted each other as if Jasper hadn't tried to eat Bella, but even I could see some tension between them. I knew Edward enough to know he didn't blame Jasper for what happened, but there certainly was some kind of blame or guilt there.

"Leandra." Edward turned to me, officially greeting me with a small smile, "Just as observant as always, I see."

"Always." I sighed, disappointed.

"Observant, yes." Emmett replied, "But very few points in common sense."

"Hey." I glared at him.

"Miss Let's-Wander-Away-From-The-Safety-Of-Home-And-My-Family-Just-To-See-If-Someone-Will-Take-Off-With-Me." He whipped back.

"That was months ago." I snapped, "I haven't done that since, Mister Let's-Tattle-And-Hope-Edward-Will-Sort-Her-Out-For-Me."

He got a really good laugh out of that one. I was proud of that comeback, and I even got the last word.

"That's enough bickering, you two." Esme put a stop to that, but it was still funny.

Alice greeted Edward next, obviously having missed him quite a bit. It was almost strange to see him after so long. It seemed like forever ago that I last saw him, and it almost hurt to think back to that time. How much had changed in just a few months? It had been so hard, but I knew it probably would have been easier had he been here to explain the way my mind was working. They probably would have understood a lot faster than they did.

He looked to me, and I looked down.

"Sorry." I mumbled, knowing he heard everything.

"Don't be." He replied, "You're probably right, but I also have plenty of confidence in Carlisle. I knew he'd find a way to get through to you."

"It just took awhile." I admitted. Emmett reached over and patted my head lightly.

"Isn't passed your bedtime, shorty?" Emmett asked, and I winced.

"You just had to say something." I grumbled at him.

Esme spoke up, looking to me, "I do think it's about that time. Time for bed."

I sighed, but shrugged.

"I'll just be up again in thirty minutes." I was tired, though. I didn't see the harm in trying. As much as the chores were helping, my memory nightmares had started up again the other night.

She followed me up the stairs. She'd made it a habit lately to be there while I fell asleep. Somehow that helped a little. If she didn't stay while I fell asleep, I got even less sleep.

Kneeling up on my bed, I kicked off my socks, and pulled my hair loose from the band I had in. I wasn't looking forward to sleeping, as tired as I was, and I knew she knew that.

"Can I just sleep through tomorrow?" I had to ask, letting her know for the first time how much I didn't look forward to it. Just the thought caused me pain, so I was sure they knew something wasn't right.

"Why?" She asked, and I looked down. I hesitated, before deciding to change the subject.

"How long is Edward staying?" I asked curiously. She sighed, smiling sadly.

"We don't know." She told me quietly.

"I hope for awhile." I admitted, "He doesn't look like he should be alone. He shouldn't be alone."

"I know." She replied, gently stroking my hair. Giving me another sad smile, she sighed, "Lay down, honey. Get some rest." I nodded, crawling under the blanket and laying down with a sigh.

"Can you leave the light on when you leave?" I had to ask. I hadn't needed to ask that in a few weeks.

"Of course." She replied as she brought the blanket up more securely around me, and I forced a smile.

"Thanks." I murmured, yawning.

As with every other night recently, I kept my eyes open as long as I could while Esme sat with me, but somehow, trying to force myself to stay awake while laying down comfortably, it became harder to keep my eyes open.

Eventually, I closed my eyes to rest them, and fell asleep.

Somewhere during the night, while I was sleeping, I was aware of a quiet conversation around me. Like a dream, but somewhere a few steps before consciousness. It was better than my normal dreams, though, so I didn't fight it.

"You're really in your element, Esme." I vaguely recognized Edward's voice, "It can't be easy."

"She just seems so unhappy sometimes." Esme's voice was closer, but still a quiet murmur, "She seems so lost, and I don't know how to help her."

"You must be doing something right." Edward's quiet reply, "She absolutely adores you. She adores everyone, but you most. Carlisle, a close second."

"I worry about how much harder it's going to be on her as she grows up." Esme admitted sadly, and vaguely, I felt her smooth my hair back from my forehead with her fingertips, "If only she could stay this small."

"That isn't how it works." I could hear the smile in Edward's soft reply.

"Just for a little while." She said, "She deserves some extra time to be a child."

"She's had so much stolen from her." Edward agreed, "So much taken, and she doesn't even realize it yet, but she will."

"Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy." She added, "But it happens so few times, that real laugh."

"I know." He replied, "But I don't think you even fully understand yet how much she's changed you. What you signed on for the day you agreed to keep her. The day you allowed yourself to get so attached, Esme, was the day everything changed for you. She'll always be a part of you now. Her happiness is your happiness, but it's the same for her."

"Really?" Esme asked, and again, I heard the smile.

"I've seen it." He replied, "Carlisle and you are so worried about her unhappiness, but sometimes, it's not as difficult as it seems. She wants to do good. She tries so hard just for your approval, and it hurts her so much to know she's done wrong or made you unhappy. That has never changed."

"She hurts so often." She pointed out. That made me think of one memory in particular. One that had been on my mind a lot lately.

"Her wounds are still fresh, Esme." Edward murmured, seeing that thought no doubt, "She is going to hurt for a long time. There's no medication or bandage that can cover that. The things he's done to her and taken from her aren't that easy to fix."

I felt another smooth of my hair from my forehead, and that comforted me. I couldn't stop the quick, shallow sigh. Indicating I was somewhat awake now. I didn't hear anything else after that, so I must have fallen back to sleep.

Unfortunately, being allowed to sleep now, I dreamed.

Just for once, I wanted the dreams normal kids had. I wanted to dream about stupid stuff. Stuff I did the day before, or stuff I wanted. I wanted to dream about nothing, just for a break from what I always saw as I slept. I just wanted a break from the pain.

Waking with tears in my eyes and dampening my pillow, I hated this memory. I hated it so much, and just downstairs, there was so much to remind me of it. Just downstairs were all the decorations, like celebrating this horrible memory. This horrible day.

It was just after dawn that I sat up, and I noticed that more clouds had moved in overnight. Snow fell outside, but that didn't help me today. My stomach hurt, but not enough to use an excuse to stay in bed all day.

I crossed the room quickly, locking the bedroom door before returning to my bed. I knew that'd alert them to the fact that I was awake now, but I knew they'd come knocking when I didn't come downstairs.

I expected the knock at the door. Laying back down, I curled around a pillow with my back to the door, trying to focus on the snow falling outside.

Whoever was on the other side of the door, probably Alice, wasn't buying it. Knocking again.

"Leandra?" Just as I thought, it was Alice.

"Please, just leave me alone, Alice." I mumbled into my pillow, gripping it tighter.

She called back, "Come on. Come out. I promise it won't be that bad."

"It's already bad." I countered, "Just leave me alone. I budged on my birthday, but I'm not budging today, so go away."

"Come on, shorty." Emmett was at my bedroom door with her, "It's Christmas. At least make an appearance."

"I'm not stupid. I know what day it is." I sighed, "And I'm not stupid. I know the second I leave this room, you won't let me hide again."

"Why are you hiding, honey?" Esme asked. She was there too. I sighed heavily. They wouldn't understand. I squeezed my eyes shut, turning my face into the pillow I curled around.

"Try again tomorrow." I suggested.

I hated Christmas with a passion. I hated the sight of it, the mention of it, even the idea of it. Everything about it bothered me on a very deep level, and every year, it was like this. Vaguely, I noticed how I hadn't even known my family for a year, since they'd never seen me quite like this. They didn't know I hated this holiday yet.

"Leandra-"

"Go away." I sighed, "I'm not coming out until tomorrow when all this stupid Christmas shit is gone."

"Even to eat?" Emmett asked, and I sighed.

"Even to eat." I mumbled, "I just want to be left alone. Please."

I knew they were confused, but they'd learn. I really wasn't up to trying to be cheerful today. Not today of all days. This was just one of my things. I couldn't do it. I couldn't act like nothing was wrong.

I felt it in my stomach, the way memories like this always made me feel. Not just sad, but something else. Depression, maybe? I didn't know, but it made it hard to breathe around the emotion stuck in my throat.

Another, quieter knock at the door had me closing my eyes again.

"Leandra." It was Carlisle, "Come on out."

"No." I replied instantly.

"You can't spend today alone." He spoke again, "It won't be that bad."

"It's already that bad." I countered again, "Just leave me alone." I just wanted to stay bitter. What was so wrong with that?

"Stop it, Jasper." I barked, knowing he was trying. Instantly, his efforts faded. Since our last major argument, he made the effort to respect my wishes.

Edward couldn't help reading my thoughts, but Jasper could choose whether or not to manipulate my emotions. If I told him not to, he wouldn't. Unless I was really upset. Edward knew, and had known for quite some time, why I hated this holiday.

Aside from the extreme cases, during one of my infamous melt-downs. I wasn't pissed off right now. I wasn't angry, or hitting people, so he left my emotions alone.

"Leandra, open the door." Carlisle yet again, "You don't have to come out, but at least let me in."

"It's a trick." I shook my head, "As soon as I open the door, Alice is going to pull me out."

"No, she won't." He replied, "She's not out here." I hesitated. I knew he wouldn't lie to me, "Let me in, Leandra. Please."

I sighed, and climbed off the bed. Crossing the room, I hesitated for just a moment longer, before I unlocked the door. Twisting the knob, I cautiously peeked out. Sure enough, it was only he and Esme standing there.

I stepped away from the door, letting them in.

Still in my pajamas, I felt a little under dressed. They were already well dressed, I noticed as they came in. I knew they could tell I'd been crying, but I didn't let myself focus on that as I slammed the door again. Locking it quickly. I didn't want to hear any Christmas music, or see any lights. Behind my door, I had no hint of anything out of the ordinary. In here, it was safe.

"Why won't you come out?" Carlisle asked, and I sniffled, turning. Heading back to the bed, I crawled onto it, laying back down as I curled a pillow to myself yet again.

"I hate Christmas." I mumbled in response.

"Why?" He asked, "Leandra, you don't need to hate it-"

"Yes I do." I countered, my voice softening, "You don't even know." I paused, ignoring the tears that stung my eyes yet again, "I can hate stuff if I want to."

"You're right." Carlisle said, and I felt the bed dip beside me. Meaning he sat down, "You're allowed, but all we're looking for is an explanation."

"I shouldn't have to." I mumbled now. I knew I was pouting, but this was warranted. I had every right to feel the way I felt, and I had a very good reason. I had reason to hurt this much.

"What's bothering you, darling?" Esme sat beside me, on the side of the bed I faced, and I closed my eyes. Sighing a sob, I kept my eyes closed. I had to try answering her.

"I hate it." I cried quietly, "I wish you wouldn't try to make me not hate it." Opening my crying eyes, I didn't look at either of them. Watching my hand clenching and unclenching in the pillow. I just wanted to stay curled into a ball. Why couldn't I stay in my ball?

"We just want to understand." Carlisle spoke up again, "That's all."

"Can't Edward just tell you?"

"He won't." Carlisle replied, "If it's personal, which I'm assuming it is, he wouldn't tell anyone without a very good reason." That was both relieving, and irritating. That meant I had to somehow tell them. At least something.

I sighed, and I sat up. Reaching up, trying to subtly wipe away my tears. Fixing the sleeves of my pajama top, I sniffled again as Esme gently cleared my hair from my face. Concerned as she and Carlisle both watched me attempt to calm down.

I bit my lip, thinking about how to explain it right.

"When I was little," I finally mumbled, "I don't think I've ever really believed in Santa or all that stupid stuff. Unless I did when I was really little, and I just don't remember it, but that doesn't matter. It's never mattered." They both listened quietly, "Growing up, I've never really looked forward to today. I mean, I didn't care either way. Because I knew it was just another day. I had no reason to hate it before."

My voice quieted, and I watched my hands resting on the pillow in my lap.

"I never understood it." I murmured, "Jack never got anything for me, and my mom was worthless when it came to stuff like that. Really anything that made her have to get off the couch, or out of bed, she was worthless at."

I paused for a breath, "I remembered being very confused, because everyone at school always looked forward to it. All my classmates were so excited, and even with the stuff they made us read and color at school, I never really understood why. I never got what the big hype was about. It was just one of those things, I guess." I gave a sad shrug, and shook my head a little, "But even then, I still didn't hate it yet."

That wasn't the sad part, but given Esme's quiet sigh of sadness told me she didn't approve.

"I've heard about how everyone's supposed to be happy about Christmas, but I never really was." I kept my eyes down, "One year, though, four years ago now, I guess. I got something from Jack."

They stayed quiet, so I knew I had to explain. They didn't quite understand yet. Maybe if I explained this, they'd know what I was talking about when I told them he wasn't just a mean person. He was evil, going out of his way to hurt people. Mainly me.

"He decorated for Christmas that year. And I was so confused, but I didn't really ask. You know, the tree and everything. It wasn't much, but it was more than nothing, like every other year. I'd known him for three years by then, so it worried me a little. I'd learned by then to pay attention to anything he did that was so different from what he usually did."

At Esme's nod, I took a deep breath, and I continued.

"He told me that I was old enough to finally get the gift he was going to give me. He didn't tell me what it was, but I just knew I was going to hate it." I didn't know how to say it, but I knew I had to. I'd admitted this much.

"Christmas Eve night was the very first time he came into my room, and the first time he ever hurt me the way he does."

Understanding came to Esme's eyes, and I looked back down. I didn't want to see that understanding turn to pity, so I kept my gaze down. Staring at my hands in my lap, nervously smoothing over my knee. They were both silent on either side of me, probably not knowing what to say.

"I don't even have to dream to remember exactly what that was like. I don't think it'll ever go away." I was surprised they could hear me. My voice had gotten so quiet. My cheeks felt too warm, and I knew I was blushing. Shamefully embarrassed, and though I knew I shouldn't be, I was.

"I-I didn't even know what it.. What he was doing at first." I admitted, "I mean, I knew what.. That was. I'd seen it before, but I didn't know what he was doing. All I knew was that it scared me, and that it hurt. A lot. I was so stupid. I thought I was going to die, but.. I didn't." Obviously, "I lived, but every night after that, he'd show up and do the same thing. I got used to it after awhile, but no matter what, I always cried. I guess I just haven't stopped crying yet."

I couldn't look up if I wanted to.

"Since then," I continued after another minute of silence, "I've hated the day, because I still remember." I sniffled a little, "I still remember how scared I was, and how much it hurt. Nothing will fix that. No matter how hard you try. Every year, it's the same. Every year, he just makes it worse. My birthday was one thing. This is something different. There's nothing you can say, nothing you or anybody can do to make this day mean anything else than what it does to me."

It was silent now. I didn't know what else to say. I could only hope, though, that they let me stay here. I really didn't want to face anybody today. I just wanted to be alone.

The door opened then, though, as if it were never even locked, and I jumped, looking over at Alice as she walked in.

"Yup." She took my hand and pulled me over.

"Alice." Carlisle was trying to correct her as she hoisted me off the bed and over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Alice usually wasn't the one to do that, so I was too surprised to react yet. Until I did.

"Put me down!" I demanded, and she ignored me.

"She challenged me." Was all Alice said over my loud cursing. I really didn't want this. I wanted to just hide away.

One day a fucking year, and she couldn't let me do that?

"Such language." She sighed in response when I shouted that to her.

"Put me down, dammit!" I shouted breathlessly over her shoulder. Up the hall, and down both sets of stairs, she flipped me over and dropped me, letting me land upright on the couch with a light bounce. Outside the window behind where she stood looking at me, the snow still fell in a steady curtain, blanketing the yard in a fresh layer of snow.

"You're not allowed to be sad about that anymore." She told me, and I gave her an incredulous look. I wasn't allowed?

"It's not that easy-"

"Yes it is." She said, "This is a good day, so be happy."

"How's it a good day?" I asked, "No day is just automatically a good one."

"Then by that thinking, no day is just automatically a bad one." She countered, and I hesitated. She had a point there. I didn't know what to say to that.

Edward smirked a little over at her, and I sat back. Drawing my legs up, crossing my arms over my chest. My cheeks still felt warm, and I still felt the embarrassment. The shame I felt while explaining everything.

"It's how you look at things now that matters, Leandra." She said, "Not what happened before." I looked up at her briefly, "Make some new memories." She balanced a small wrapped gift on my head, and I left it there.

As I sat there, I considered what she was telling me. Closing my eyes, I shook my head, looking down. It really wasn't that easy. She didn't know what she was talking about. I was even more embarrassed now, knowing everybody had heard that confession. Sometimes it really bugged me just how much they could hear.

"Listen to me." She said, sitting beside me, and the tone of her voice had me look up as she took the wrapped gift off of my head lightly, "I don't care what whoever told you whenever. I don't care what Jack told you, and you shouldn't either." I looked down until she caught my chin, preventing me from doing that.

"And stop looking down so much. There's nothing on the floor that'll make you feel any better." I sighed, looking down at the couch instead.

"Leandra, all that matters is now." She continued, "That's the only thing that really matters. Don't let whatever he told you last year, or five years ago define who you are right this second, or whatever you have ahead of you."

"You don't know." I argued quietly, shaking my head, "It's not something I can just control."

"You're strong, Leandra." She told me, "I know you don't believe me, but you are. You're strong, you're brave, and you've been given too much to bear, yet you're still here. Do you know what they call that?"

"Stupidity?" I asked, and she allowed a sad smirk.

"No." She said, "They call that resilience. That's something that not everybody has. Most would have given up a long time ago, but you didn't."

"I tried to." I mumbled, "But you wouldn't let me."

"No, I wouldn't." She agreed with me, "And I had a good reason."

"It would have been easier on me to just let me give up, you know." I admitted, tracing the edge of the couch cushion with my finger, "I'm tired."

Instead of commenting on that, she asked something else.

"Do you know what I see when I look at you?"

I waited.

"When I look at you," She answered, "I see someone that can take anything on, and overcome it. I see someone courageous, and I see beauty. Someone not afraid to do what needs to be done."

Right.

"Do you know what you see when you look at yourself?" She asked quietly, and I wondered how much time she'd give me to answer her question honestly. Where to start?

But she answered for me again.

"You see him." She murmured, "You see exactly what he wants you to see, and that is not your fault, but that's why we're here. That's our job. It's our job to correct that. You see everything wrong, everything as something bad. You're so blinded by everything he told you, you can't see the good things. You can't see the good things in you that we see every day. We have to change that."

She wasn't wrong. I didn't see anything in myself that she saw.

"Do you know what the first step is?" She asked, and I waited once more, "The first step, is helping you realize that you aren't alone anymore. Look around. What do you see?" Slowly, I did as she said. Glancing around the full room.

"All these people care about you, Leandra." She continued, "You have a family nobody else in the world has." She smiled, "That has to count for something." I couldn't help smiling a little myself, "You have a family that only wants to see you happy and safe, and would do anything to see that happen. You can fight, and argue with us all you want, but that's not going to change.

"All we're asking is to trust us. Trust me when I tell you that your past does not define you. What you choose to do with it does. Who you choose to be does. Every one of us, everyone around you is an example of that. We all have our past, Leandra, but do you think you'd be sitting here with us right now had we given up?" I couldn't imagine any of my family not being here. She smiled a little, "Live your life for you. Not for him."

"I can't just forget everything." I finally spoke, "I've tried."

"I'm not saying forget everything." She replied, shaking her head, "Believe me, I understand just how impossible that is. All I'm saying, is don't let him steal your life. Don't let your past steal your future." I sighed, looking down, so she continued, "Leandra, I know. It's hard. It's so hard, and it can cause so much pain to think about where you used to be, but you're here now. You're here. Not there." She handed me the wrapped gift again, "And here, you never have to worry about that ever again."

Giving another glance around, not one person disagreed with her, so why should I?

Needless to say, she got through to me during that talk. I agreed, through slight tears, that she was right. I was focusing too much on the past, but I was scared.

What kind of future did someone like me have when I was raised by pure evil? And how on Earth did they see all that in me? What was I worth? I was just some kid that barged into their lives, and lucked out. For once.

"You're priceless." Alice answered my confusion, "There's no possible way to even begin to describe your worth, Leandra."

That surprised me. She obviously believed what she told me. I knew that for sure, but it was still hard to believe. Did she even realize what she was saying?

"Because of my gift?" I asked, still confused, "I can't even use it."

"I'm not even considering your gift into this." She said, "Your worth comes from you. Not your gift, and most certainly not your past."

That was the moment I started to believe her. The moment I actually wanted to see what she saw. For the first time, instead of being resigned to being worthless, I started thinking about the possibilities. I didn't have to be that way. I could try. It would take work, of course, but what did I have to lose? I could only build up.

Sure, Jack had raised me that far, but now, I had plenty of others to look up to.

Eventually, I nodded. Smiling a little as I sighed.

The rest of the day went smoothly from there. I still had my problems with the day, but I did my best to hide it. The snow eventually stopped, but it left a silence behind I couldn't help admiring out in the backyard.

I'd slipped away that evening, to just breathe for a moment. Kneeling on the porch, sitting on my heels, I just listened. To nothing. I couldn't even hear the traffic anymore. I wasn't going any further than the porch, though. I knew better.

"Where are you?" I whispered under my breath, staring off in the direction of town, "What's your next move?" The dim evening around me never answered back.

Jack knew right where I was, and I knew he had to be itching for another scare. He was out there somewhere, biding his time until he could get to me again.

Again, for the second time that day, I had to wonder. Was I really worth it? Was I really worth the trouble to Jack? Was I worth it, to chase and hunt? That was definitely a new way to think about it.

He sure was going to a lot of trouble for someone he always told was worthless.

"And there's your answer." I jumped a little as Edward broke the silence, glancing over as he rounded the side of the house. He must have slipped away too, or got curious as he noticed I wasn't inside anymore. I smiled a little.

"I'm not smoking this time." I told him quietly, and he allowed a smirk, "It's just cold out here." He seemed so tired. Exhausted. I didn't know how that was possible in a vampire, but I could tell. Like he'd lost the one reason he had to exist.

"I know you aren't." He replied, coming to stand beside where I kneeled, "I hear it's been a very eventful few months for you."

"Too eventful." I sighed, looking back out over the yard and toward the park below, "I miss home so much. It feels too open here."

"I know how you feel." He sighed in reply. A slight breeze blew, pulling with it a few strands of my long hair into my face.

"And I can't help expecting something to happen." I admitted, "Since I found out Jack's around, it's like I'm just waiting. Trying to figure out what, and when his next move is going to be. Since we've been here, I've known something is going to happen. I just don't know what."

It got quiet for a few seconds. Letting my thoughts wander, and for once, not worried about him overhearing. He'd already proven that he wouldn't tell anyone anything, so it didn't bother me as much anymore. I knew he saw, again, what that night was like for me. How terrified I was. How stupid I felt now, thinking back.

"You're wrong, you know." He said, and I looked up, "You aren't too much trouble for them. You're just enough trouble to keep things interesting." The way he said it made it seem like a good thing. I had to smile at that. To my surprise, the smile lingered for a moment, until it faded, "And you're right. I did see. Leandra, I can't express my sorrow."

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking up at him.

"That moment when everything was taken." He clarified, "I saw how that single moment changed you. That one night.." He trailed off as he closed his eyes, shaking his head in sadness, "That's a memory no child should ever have. No person, for that matter. Nobody should ever have to go through that."

"I'm more than just some child." I sighed, very slightly irritated, "That's not all I am."

"You're right." He said, "I apologize."

"It did change me." I admitted, "I just.. I was so scared. I never even thought anything like that was possible. I was pretty stupid back then."

"No, you weren't stupid." He told me, "You were as unaware as you should have been at six years old."

"I don't think I'd be the same person, though, if that had never happened. Things like that, they change somebody. I know things would have been much different if that never happened. If it hadn't happened, it would have changed things just as much as it did when it did happen." I paused, "That sounded so confusing."

"I understand what you mean." He assured me.

"Who knows if I'd even be here now?" I mused quietly, "I hate it. I've always hated him for it, but.. There's still that one thought, you know? Would I have ever met you if I had never been changed that much?" My tone grew sad now, "Would I have even bothered talking to you at all? Would you have even known anything was off, if I wasn't so afraid?"

"That is initially what captured my attention." He allowed.

"I mean, yeah. I still had to be afraid of the beatings, but that didn't scare me as much as.. The other thing did." I replied, "Normally, I have to piss him off pretty bad for that to happen any other time than at night."

He hesitated, a frown on his face.

"You still refer to him in the present tense?" He asked, confused.

I shrugged, "It's only a matter of time before he gets me back again. Might as well stay used to it."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes." I mumbled, "Nobody's listening when I tell them he's not stupid. He'll do whatever it takes to get me back, and if they won't listen, it's only a matter of time. I just won't be around to tell them that I told them so, because once he gets me back, I'll probably never see you guys again."

He stayed quiet, listening to my thoughts. He had to see how I believed every word I told him. He had to see it.

"Perhaps you're the one underestimating, Leandra." He told me, and I looked up, "You're underestimating just how much you mean to everyone. The lengths they're willing to go to keep you safe."

"Maybe." I sighed, choosing not to argue with him, "I didn't see him that day. The day he showed up at Mikah's store. I didn't look at him, but I'd know that voice anywhere. He likes to scare me. He wants to remind me that he knows where I am. As if I could ever forget that. This is all a game. A game I'm so tired of playing."

I looked up at him, "You've seen everything. What would you do?"

"I can't say what I would do." He replied quietly, "I only know what you should do, and that's trust Carlisle. Trust the family, Leandra. Isn't there a small chance, just one tiny chance, that these dreams you can't remember are all a result of overworrying?"

"I don't think so." I replied quietly, "I know how they make me feel."

"They make you feel that way, because you can't remember what's in them." He pointed out. I fell quiet this time, "Trust Carlisle. He's made it this far, kept all of us going this long, because he knows what he's doing. If he says he's going to keep you safe, he's going to keep you safe."

I took a deep breath. He was right. He knew Carlisle the longest.

"And trust me when I say that there is no one on the face of the planet that cares for you more than Esme does." I smiled at that, "You can't even imagine, Leandra, how strong her ability to love is. With that love, comes an unending compulsion to protect what she loves. You can rest assured that you are loved, and she will protect you. Now, pair that with Emmett's protective side, you'll just begin to understand how unbelievably shielded you really are."

I smiled a little more, remembering the situation with Sammy. How quickly that kid almost lost his life and all his teeth in one brief second. Just for saying something he shouldn't have. What would have happened had he actually tried anything?

"That's just a hint." He pointed out, "You honestly can't imagine, Leandra." I took another deep breath, nodding a little. I had one more question, however.

I sighed, "I know I'd be a different person if that hadn't happened, but would I still have to fight the dark?"

I knew he knew I didn't just mean being afraid of the dark. He knew I was referring to how dark of a person I was. How there was a whole separate part of me I feared. The one that hated so intensely, and got so angry.

"I understand that part of you more than you think, Leandra." He admitted gently, "And I can't answer that for you. That's something you need to work on yourself first."

"I know." I murmured, "I just can't help wondering."

"That part of you is always going to be there." He said, "I could go on and on about it, truthfully, but once it's been created, there's very little you can do. It's just a matter of creating a balance. Learning what not to do to keep that balance from shifting in the wrong direction."

I must have been doing something right, because I hadn't yelled at anyone lately.

He gave a small nod. Allowing that.

It was nice, I realized. Being able to talk to someone who could understand what I couldn't say. Instead of keeping something in, just because I didn't want to have to go through the process of explaining my reasoning, or what I meant. He already knew it, just by glancing through my thoughts.

"I'm glad I could help someone, at least." He sighed, and I looked back up at him. There was that torture again. I knew his torture was from something completely different, but seeing it printed so clearly in his posture and in his features, it reminded me of how I felt a lot of the time. I just didn't know how to express it.

"They know." He assured me, "They know how badly you're hurting. They just don't know how to express it, either."

"I wish they wouldn't worry so much." I admitted, "I cause too much trouble as it is."

"You're just enough trouble to keep things interesting." He repeated, and he went quiet. I did, too. Returning my gaze out to the darkening yard, and down the hill, across the silent and still park. It was nice to see no movement for once.

Looking back over, he was gone. Probably sensing I was finished talking, he went back inside. I couldn't blame him. It was cold and boring out here, and he probably wanted to spend more time with the family before he ran off to be alone again.

I thought my gratitude his direction, hoping he heard it. For listening, and letting me just talk without telling me I was wrong for thinking the way I did. I couldn't help, though, my thoughts returning to what I was thinking about before Edward showed up out here with me.

"Where are you?" I whispered again into the silent, frozen air, "What next?"

I could feel it. He wasn't done.

A/N: Yummy filler! I'm actually learning to like these filler chapters. It gives a very awesome look into what else happens when things happen. Woo!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! To that AMAZINGLY AWESOME reviewer! YAY!
Chapter Twelve will, once again, have a warning at the top. This kid's past isn't a pretty one.
Until Twelve, my friends! :D