Unthinkable 7

i.

Carl

They kept on at me to tell, especially after Herschel pronounced Dad fit – well as well as he could be on medication three days later. He admitted that he wasn't qualified to decide but he was the best we had.

He looked at me, the barely visible bruise that had mostly faded on my face and hissed.

'Did I do that?' He reached out to touch it but I shied away from his hand.

'I'm sorry.' He apologised. I turned my back on him without a word.

'I'm sorry!' My father called back to me but I ignored him.

'Fuck you.' I hissed under my breath. I didn't care that people would notice.

That night I slept with the Dixons with Daryl's arm around me, making me feel safe. I knew Dad wouldn't dare come into their tent and Carol had insisted on taking Judith to give us a chance to spend some quality time together.

Carol and Andrea gave me funny looks. 'What ya doing with them and not ya Dad?' Andrea asked me constantly. 'Seriously, why are you spending so much time with Merle? Daryl's a good man but his brother's bad news.'

'Stay away from him.' Carol warned. 'Look, I know ya still angry with ya Dad but ya got to learn to forgive him. He's in pieces!'

He's in pieces? I bit back the words and didn't say out loud. He beat the shit out of me when he'd never raised a hand to me before -not once my whole life- and I could be a real mouthy brat sometimes. Worse than that, he'd endangered my baby sister. Threatened her and that wasn't the worst what he did to me.

I didn't think there was any danger of him trying that shit with me again, I could see it in his eyes that he hated himself for what he made me do. He never tried to threaten Judith again anyway because I never gave him the chance.

He'd apologised to me in front of the group at the meeting for 'losin' himself momentarily' -so he called it. For attacking me and kidnapping' his own daughter' and begged me to forgive him. Yet I saw the cynical gleam in his eye...He'd planned this, his own public humiliation to get at me and what could I do? I nodded and said 'I forgive you.' He hugged me and everyone clapped while I felt like my lunch would come up.

'Just a blip.' I could almost hear them thinking. Good Ole Rick - losin' his wife in childbirth like that and with the strain of leading and keeping the group safe. It wasn't his fault.

I felt like screaming when he hugged me, his self-conscious, preening display made me feel sick to my stomach.

He disgusted me when before I'd only felt love and admiration for the man and wanted to be like him. Now I fantasised about killing him. The only ones who noticed that I wasn't into this whole corny father and son make-up chirade were the Dixon brothers, I heard Daryl snarl and step forward but Merle put a hand on his arm to stop him.

Everyone else was so busy rejoicing that their Beloved Leader was back that they didn't hear.

As soon as I could get away, I approached them and we went off into the woods apparently to go hunting. My father let us go but I could tell he was happy. Not least because he sensed that I couldn't wait to get away from him.

'Jesus!' Merle exclaimed as soon as we were out of earshot. 'Makes me sick that did.'

'And me too.' Daryl agreed quietly.

'Ya gonna be OK, kid? He ain't touched ya again, has he?'

'No.' I looked at Merle. 'What if he did what he did jus' 'cos he wasn't right in the head?'

'Don't ya believe it. It's jus' an excuse, people like him never change. Be careful.'

Daryl paused, stopping us in our tracks where we were tracking some spoor on tree-trunks. I could read the signposts left by squirrels and other animals by now. 'Listen. He ain't ever gonna change, I'm sorry to tell ya. That's why ya gotta tell the rest of 'em.'

'They won't ever believe me!'

They will. It'll be a shock for them at first. But we'll make them believe.' Daryl tucked a strand of hair behind my ear like my Dad used to – back in the days when I let him.

'You?' I looked at them doubtingly. I didn't mean to be rude or ungrateful but...'I can't do that to him. Besides, he's left me alone so far.'

They let it go. But I couldn't sleep with them that night, I had to go back to Dad with all eyes on me and to help take care of Judith now that he insisted on looking after her. I could tell that people thought it was weird that I chose the Dixons' tent to go to, probably thought I was still scared of my father.

He acted normal and we didn't say a word about what we used to do. He just kissed Judith on the forehead and fed her. I almost thought he really cared about her and no longer blamed her for Mom's death. Most telling of all, he kept a big distance between us which made me relieved and sad at the same time.

I missed the closeness of the Dixons and Daryl's arm around me.

So we carried on like normal except he didn't touch me like he used to. As if he knew it would freak me out or maybe he was afraid that it would turn into something else.

I felt myself starting to relax around him.

Big mistake.

…

A few days later...

They both looked at me.

'I...I can't...Please don't make me.' Using the exact same words I'd begged my father last night for nothing and I started to cry like a pussy again – couldn't help it and Daryl told me to shush and wrapped his arm around me. But Merle got in my face and gripped it – hard, I couldn't help but recoil.

'Merle! Ya scarin' the poor kid!' He yanked me away from his brother.

'Listen, son. If ya don't tell, we will and to hell with what the group thinks or thinks it needs. Ya a boy who's gettin' fucked by his own father. He ain't never gonna change not after he started. Time ya faced up to the truth, Carl.'

I turned away from him and buried my face in Daryl's shoulder. I knew I was acting like a little kid but I was helpless to stop myself as the tears fell and my chest heaved.

'Now look what ya done!' He hissed at his older brother.

'No use pussy-footin' around it or sugar-coatin' it. The boy's gotta face up to reality.'

'We're gonna give ya until tomorrow, kiddo before we tell Carol. We promise we won't tell anyone else but she'll know what to do.' He continued.

'No! Ya can't!' The way he was trying to force me into a corner, giving me an ultimatum made me furious but the anger was better than the pain. Anything was better.

'I can't do what?' He smirked at me but at least I stopped crying.

'It's my problem and I'll tell when I'm ready!'

'Whoa.' He put up his hands mockingly. 'It's OK.'

'He's right, Merle.' His brother stopped petting my hair long enough to snarl at him.

'Fine. We'll give ya 24 hours.'

I bowed my head.

Things went from bad to worse before that though and I didn't tell.

…

I felt like I was always under the Dixons' watchful eyes...Everywhere I went, they were there.

I followed my father into the woods, he made us do it there these days, especially when we had Judith at night, it was like he couldn't get enough of me. Holding my sister over me as a threat. Despite appearances, he didn't give a shit about her but was able to act the perfect, doting father in front of the others.

Not for the first time, I thought about running away with her, nothing could be worse than let him keep doing it to me.

He stopped suddenly and snarling, threw me against the tree-trunk. Without even a pretence of gentleness like he used to have before he kidnapped Judith.

'Please, Dad. Stop!' He was breathing hard behind me while he rasped filthy words I never heard him use before in my ear. I didn't know what half of them meant.

He spun me round. 'Ya want me to stop? Fine, I will but then I'll have to get rid of Judith. She's jus' a burden on the group, anyways.'

'Don't ya say that about her! Leave her alone. She could be yours!'

'Nah, she ain't. She's all him, my best friend who slept with my wife behind my back.' He laughed bitterly while I turned my head to the side . Clenched his fist and chuckled when he saw me flinch away.

'Don't worry, I'm sorry about hittin' ya before...ain't gonna do it again.' But his tone was mocking. I knew that he was accusing me of being a coward beneath his words for complaining about it.

He continued to press against me the tree and hold me by my shirt collar while I looked around frantically, not least because I could feel how hard he was.

Knowing that I would have to give in to him but I was really sore from last night. I couldn't believe that no-one noticed.

'I don't think he likes ya touchin' him, like that!' Merle suddenly appeared out of nowhere and like his brother did days ago, he yanked my father off me and pushed him away from us. But he didn't hit him and something told me that if Daryl had been there instead, my Dad might not have got away with his life.

Not after last time. I wondered where he was.

'He's my kid and I'll do whatever the fuck I want with him.' Dad spoke those chilling words in his old calm cop voice that I had grown to hate when it used to soothe me when I was younger.

'Includin' fuck him?' The Dixon grinned coldly at his shocked expression. 'Yeah, I know what ya doin' to him.'

'Carl?' My father appealed to me and I swear, he was the best actor I'd ever known with the hurt and fatherly concern mingled in his expression. 'Son, what have ya been sayin' about me?' He asked gently.

'Didn't need to say nothin'.' Now the older Dixon advanced on him to make him stumble backwards against a tree. Now he had Dad pinned against it and got his hunting knife out.

'Merle, no! Don't.'

He ignored me and twisted his hand from side to side so that the blade flashed in the bright sunlight. Right in my father's face! I could see Dad's chest heaving and the look of startled panic.

'Don't hurt him!' I cried out.

'OK, son.' Merle called to me without risking turning backwards. 'He leaves ya alone and I won't have to.'

'But ya touch him again and I'll cut ya balls off and feed them to ya.' He let the tip of the blade graze down my father's shirt to his crotch. Dad gasped in terror.

'But I'll tell the rest of the group first. That ya fuck ya own son...Wonder what they would say about that, huh? Maybe they'll want to punish ya themselves...scum like ya - a man who rapes his kid...A fuckin' child molester.' He gave him one last scornful shove before he backed off.

'Come on, boy.' He grabbed my arm. 'Come with Uncle Merle. He ain't gonna let no-one hurt ya.'

'That ain't true! I could never...' Dad screamed behind him.

'Yes you did, Dad!' I screamed. 'You know what ya did!'

'Why, ya little shit!' His mask dropped then and he rushed at me but Merle shielded me with his knife out.

'Fine.' Dad said and turned to leave, intimidated by the Dixon's weapon. 'I see he's got ya brainwashed.'

'No, he hasn't!

'Get lost, Rick!' Merle ordered him. 'And don't ya come near the boy no more. Or threaten the baby, ya fuckin' coward... Otherwise I'll tell 'em everythin'.'

He made a helpless gesture but he did what he was told. I stared at his back disappearing from me.

…

'Where's Daryl?' But I was shaking.

'He's busy. Come on.' He turned to go.

'Merle.' I stopped him. 'What will happen if I tell? I jus' don't think I can take it no more.'

I didn't tell him about the bleeding. Or the pain.

'Ya don't have to. We can tell everyone together. You, me and Daryl.'

'I...I don't know...'

He ruffled my hair in answer, just like Daryl did.

We left to go back to camp, following in my Dad's footsteps. Me reluctantly dragging my feet.

….

Rick knew his secret was out for good...Daryl had hinted at it but now Merle had accused him directly. If he said something...No, they wouldn't believe those redneck pieces of trash over me...I can discredit them easily. He thought. And Carl...He's just a confused, vulnerable boy after his mother's death and they preyed on that...Manipulated him...

A plan was forming in his mind, he knew now the brothers were a threat and there was a way to get rid of them, once and for all. He felt that there was no chance of his son spilling...If he hadn't done by now, then the chances were he wouldn't.

He'd tried to stop doing it, he had really had tried and he'd managed to for a few days at least but the temptation was right in front of him every day. He knew the damage it was doing to his son, he wasn't stupid or blind and it was like once he started, he couldn't stop.

He'd been horrified when he lost his temper and actually attacked his own son, beaten him up pretty badly when he and Lori had never believed in hitting their kids. It was like he was someone else.

What is happening to me, Rick groaned inwardly.