Harry Potter strode down the fifth floor corridor, feeling confident in his hunky-man self. He'd bagged another boy. Who cares if we're related? It's not like we could have children anyways… He thought. He secretly hoped Tom wasn't hiding a terrible female secret from him. And infact! Why couldn't Harry have both Tom AND Malfoy? Maybe he could even afford to throw a little Professor Snape in on the side! Unfortunately his thoughts were interrupted by a snotty red-headed brute. "Like Harry oh my god! Neville just stormed out of the common room Harry! Can you believe he just like kicked me in the face!? I was just sitting there reading Sailor Moon and like minding my own business...LIKE!" Ron blurted into Harry Potter's devilishly handsome face.

Harry decided to humor Ron, "Well did you do anything to upset him?"

"Well it looked like he'd been crying or something his face was all bloat and spot, so I said, 'Neville chap! Couldn't find a dirty enough pair of knickers to hide in Harry's herbology textbook couldja?'."

"THOSE AREN'T DIRTY! THEY'RE PRECIOUS GIFTS YOU CUMBERDINK!" and he decided to add, "AND THEY AREN'T FROM NEVILLE EITHER! THEY'RE FROM MY LARGER SIZED FAN GIRLS!"

Ron stood, dumbfounded and then turned and walked away, shaking his head. "There aren't any girls at this school that could compensate for Neville's plump rump," he murmured under his breath.

Harry was confident he'd detoured Ron from thinking Neville left the undies in his sheets. The last thing he needed was Ron trying out those exotic limbos on him.

Potions was the usual boring shit. Harry noticed however that Snape was paying a bit too much attention to Malfoy. And on more than one occasion leaned just a little to far over, exposing his bare breast to Draco's impressionable young eyes. It killed Harry to watch this display-so he let the tears drop silently into his cauldron, one by one. Just as Snape had "accidentally" dropped his quill in front of Draco's desk, giving him a clear view of his bottom Neville came and perched himself on Harry's knee.

"I know what you've been fornicating with another boy," he accused.

"What's it to you anyways Neville?" Harry retorted, "I'm allowed to pleasure myself with whoever's company I desire-I'm Harry Potter after all. I made the cover of Naked Witch Weekly six times in a single season-that's unheard of!"

"Harry please!" Neville begged, straddling Harry's tender lap, "Please don't make me hurt you."

"Neville you're squashing me!" Harry began to panic, he was getting pulled under by the current of waves Neville's body produce, "Help me someone! HELP! I'm fucking drowning over here!"

"Harry, I didn't want to do this- but if you're going to force me…"

"W-" Harry gasped for air, his arms flying upwards trying to find something, anything to hold on to, "What are you going to do? What do you WANT!?"

Neville suddenly got up, his eyes never leaving Harry's, "I'm going to do what anyone would do for the one they loved." He got down on one knee, looking into Harry's horror stricken face, "Harry Potter- I'm asking you- as a boy in love with another boy-Will you Marry Me?"

Harry suddenly realized all eyes in the room were focused on him, and he dreaded seeing Draco Malfoy's. He hesitated, and Neville grew frustrated.

"Harry," he said in a low growl, much unlike his normally high-chipper tone, "If you don't agree to marry me I'll tell him, yes, you know who I'm talking about, what I caught you doing in the boy's bathroom."

Realization over flooded Harry. He couldn't have Draco hear what he'd done. It'd turn him off for sure and just when they had been getting a bit closer Neville was going to tear them apart again! He could not let this happen. His fantasies of having multiple boys at once were about to be dashed into the gloomy hell of Seamus Finnegan's arm pits.

He stood, ready to strike, like a python at the watering hole. "Neville Longbottom, I will NOT agree to marry you! Especially when you have that HUGE crush on HERMIONE GRANGER!" Harry spun around and pointed at Hermione, who was absolutely flabbergasted.

Ron stood up, face as red as his hair, "NEVILLE YOU FUCKING TWIT! SO THAT'S WHY YOU DROPKICKED ME? I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR EYES OUT OF THEIR FUCKING SOCKETS IF YOU FOR ONE SECOND EVER LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND AGAIN!" And then he advanced on poor confused little Neville.