Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?
"Shhhh. Please stop crying, Gracie." Mini rocked and soothed her wailing child, to no avail. Grace had woken up from her evening nap an hour ago and had not ceased her incessant howling since. "Please," the new mother pleaded, desperately. "I don't know what you want." Mini had already given the baby a fresh diaper and tried to nurse her, but neither of those things had satisfied little Gracie. Tears began to well in her bloodshot, sleep-deprived eyes.
"Mini? You okay?" It was Alo, peeking his bright red head in through the entryway of the barn. He had just returned from feeding the livestock-apparently, much to his dismay, having a child did not excuse you from your daily chores. He chucked off his dirty boots by the threshold and rushed to Mini's side, worry setting deep into the lines of his face. "What is it?"
"I can't get her to stop crying," she confessed breathlessly. The boy could see the helplessness on his love's face and couldn't help but feel a little helpless himself. She was in pain because she felt inadequate as a mother, and he in turn was in pain because he could do nothing to make her feel better. Mini really had been doing everything she could to be a decent mother, but at 17, there was only so much one could do.
"Here, give her here." He held out his arms, and Mini carefully laid the fussy infant into his cradle. Pulling her in close to his chest, he began swaying back and forth until, finally, she began to quiet down. "There we go." A triumphant grin began spreading across his face. There wasn't much Aloysius Creevey was good for, he thought, but he seemed to have gotten the whole parenting thing down just fine. Mini stared at him in bewilderment, with just the slightest tinge of jealousy. "How did you do that?"
Alo shrugged. "Dunno. Just did." Suddenly, Mini broke down into sobs, throwing her head into her hands in defeat. "I don't think I can do this, Alo. I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother."
"Oh, come on, Mins. Don't say that. You're doing great. You're just tired is all." She couldn't argue with that. The bags under her eyes were so big, she could probably start using them to store spare nappies.
"I tell you what. How about you take a break?" She looked at him as if he'd just said the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard of, which wasn't too far off. "What?"
"Yeah. Take a day off. I reckon it doesn't seem too fair of me to always be on the farm or at college while you're stuck here all day, so why don't we switch? I'll stay with Gracie tomorrow and you can spend the day sleeping." Alo paused for a moment, realizing that this was probably the best idea he'd had since asking Mini to move in with him. "Or you could go to college...I know you've been worried about keeping up with your coursework." The offer was genuine, sincere. She couldn't quite comprehend what she was hearing. "You-you'd do that?"
"Miss a day of college to spend with this little one?" He looked down to see a pair of brilliant blue eyes staring back up at him. "Oh yeah. In fact, why don't you go home and sleep in your own bed tonight? That way you won't have to worry about getting woken up every hour." The idea definitely had a lot of appeal to it. Baby free for a whole day, finally getting a good night's rest, taking a proper shower... Still, she couldn't help but feel hesitant. "I dunno, Alo. Being alone with a baby, it's a lot of work."
"My parents are literally right there," he chuckled, motioning towards the farmhouse he had grown up in. "No more than 6 meters away. If I need help, I'll just walk over."
Alo's parents hadn't been particularly surprised when they found out he'd knocked someone up, and although they weren't over the moon about being grandparents so soon, that's not to say they hadn't been supportive of the whole situation. Letting the new family move into the barn was proof of that.
"Are you sure?"
Alo nodded without delay. "Positive. Gracie and I will be just fine."
It was settled then. Alo set off to the small kitchenette to try once more to bottle feed the stubborn baby, while Mini began packing a small bag for her day away. She knew she wouldn't need to bring much considering the fact that she'd only be gone for a short time and most of her stuff was still at Shelley's, so she just grabbed the necessities: her toothbrush, deodorant...and somehow, one of Grace's bibs found its way into her bag as well. She wasn't exactly sure why she had put it in there; she would have no use for it tomorrow. But for some reason, it offered her some comfort. She hadn't been apart from Grace longer than 10 minutes since she'd been born and, frankly, the idea of being completely away from her newborn for an entire day terrified her. But having that little piece of her, that lingering baby smell that was oddly relaxing, gave her some lasting peace of mind.
Alo had just finished burping Grace when Mini reappeared, ready to go. He gave her an encouraging smile, which she returned, walking towards the pair of them. "Mummy's gonna be gone for a bit, Gracie. But I'll be back tomorrow night, I promise." She gently placed her lips on Grace's forehead. "I love you." She quickly glanced up at Alo, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks. "Both of you."
"She said it, mate. She actually said it." Alo beamed as Rich began rolling a spliff. The first thing Alo had done when he had woken up, after seeing to Grace, was ring Rich. After complaining about how early it was, and after Alo had insisted he come over as soon as he hung up, Rich had agreed to come over and ditch college for the day as well.
"Said what?" They were sitting in what could only be described as the patio, which was really just a set of two rugged-looking lawn chairs placed in front of the barn's opening. They were currently using an empty barrel as a table.
"That she loves me. I mean, I reckon she must have to have moved in with me and all, but she'd never actually said it. Not until last night." He had never seen Alo so...high. Not on drugs though, no. This was a high that could only be felt by someone in love. Rich smiled, reminiscing on a distant memory of love that he had had with Grace. "Cheers, mate. I'm happy for you." He sealed the joint and lit it, taking a long drag before exhaling a thick cloud.
"So how's life as a dad?" He inquired, passing it to Alo. "Oh, it's great. Yeah. Grace is loads of fun, except all the pooping, I mean." He took a puff and held it for a moment, letting the drugs work their way through his system. "You know how many nappies that little bugger goes through in a day? I don't know where it all comes from." They both laughed, and the spliff was returned to Rich. He watched as the smoke rose from the burning end, twisting and curving in the air. It reminded him of Grace, and the way she would effortlessly pirouette around his messy room for his "solo performances", as she called them. "Grace would've been so happy about the baby. We never really talked about having kids of our own, but I always knew she wanted to. She would've been a brilliant mother." Alo placed a comforting hand on his mate's shoulder. Rich wasn't one to talk much about his feelings, especially when it came to Grace, but when he did, silent empathy was the best thing one could offer him.
Rich sniffed, rolling the joint between his thumb and forefinger. "Should we be doing this here? With Gracie over there, I mean." Alo plucked the spliff out of Rich's fingers and took a drag. "Nah, it's fine, mate. Besides, we're outside and she's inside."
"Alo, the whole barn is outside."
He quickly dropped the spliff, coughing out his smoke as realization dawned on him. "Shit, you're right." He stomped on the butt and covered it with dirt. "Don't tell Mini."
"Mini? Mini!" The nagging was a faint afterthought in her mind. She pulled the covers up and groaned. "It's your turn."
"My turn for what, love? What are you doing here? Is everything alright?" Recognizing the voice of her mother, Mini sighed in contentment. She had almost forgotten where she was. She had arrived at her mother's house around 11 and, not wanting to wake her or Eric, had snuck in and fallen right to sleep. "What time is it?"
"Half past 8, why?" At that, Mini jolted up, scrambling out of bed and towards her closet. "I'm late!"
"I sure hope not," Shelley joked halfheartedly. Mini threw her an apprehensive glare. "And just where do you think you're off to in such a hurry?"
"College. Alo's giving me a day off so I can try to catch up." She grabbed a random assortment of clothing and threw it on her bed for further examination.
"I don't think that's a good idea, love. You're not ready to go back, not just yet. Besides, I only just found out you're here. Why don't you just go back to bed and I'll make us a nice brunch later?"
"You didn't think I was ready to be a mum either, but I did that." She snapped. Realizing it came off harsher than she had intended, she took a steadying breath. Her hormones hadn't quite gone back to normal just yet, and she found herself lashing out at the tiniest of things. "I just meant...I can do it. I want to do it. I can't miss any more if there's any chance of me passing my A-levels."
"Well, I'm sure they'd make an exception-"
"No. I'm going, alright? Now if you don't mind, I need to get ready." She motioned for the door, and her mother raised her hands in understanding, closing the door behind her. With a sigh, Mini skimmed through the pile of clothes on her bed. So many beautiful things that, 9 months ago, she would have had no problem wearing. But now, everything she tried on made her want to gouge her eyes out.
She stood in front of the mirror, scrutinizing her naked body. It was something she did everyday for years. There was always something that made her feel uneasy about her appearance, but now, in this postpartum body of hers, she found all new flaws to pick out. She ran her hands down from her ribs to her stomach, feeling the stretch marks that now riddled her mid-section. Disgusting. They rested at her now empty womb. It's more like a sack of potatoes, she thought, squeezing the pudgy flesh. A single tear escaped her puffy eye and slid down her cheek. Not wanting to waste a second more of her day, she decided to go for a loose fitting pink sweater and a pair of leopard print leggings. She knew people would be talking about her regardless, and she wanted to make sure that her choice of outfit wasn't going to be part of those conversations. She may not have had the body she once had, but she'd make damn sure she still had a sense of style.
When she arrived downstairs, she found her mother had cooked a large display of breakfast items: eggs, bacon, pancakes, tattie scones, black pudding, and a fine assortment of fruits. Mini's stomach growled at the sight. She averted her eyes and began heading for the door. "Now hold on. You're not leaving without eating something. This is going to be a big day for you and you need to have some nutrients in your body." Mini grabbed an apple and took a bite, "Happy?" Shelley frowned. "If you need anything today, anything at all, I'm just a phone call away." Mini nodded and left without a second glance of the food she craved, but most certainly did not need.
Although Mini had only been out of college for a few weeks, it seemed entirely different to her. She was standing in front of the steps that led to the main entrance where she had agreed to meet up with Liv and Franky, her stomach churning with nerves that she could not quite settle. "There she is." The familiar voice came from behind her, and she whirled around, sighing in relief as she saw her two best mates making their way towards her. "Hiya," she smiled.
"You sure you want to do this, Mini?" Franky inquired. "I'm here, aren't I? It's now or never." Franky nodded, taking Mini's hand in hers, to which Liv reciprocated on the other side. They began heading up the stairs, into the massive crowd of students who were chattering away about nothing of importance. Their voices quickly began to fade into whispers, their eyes following the trio. Franky squeezed Mini's hand reassuringly. They had successfully made it through the front doors when suddenly someone coughed. "Slag." Everyone began snickering like children, and Mini froze in place. This is what she was afraid of. The stares she could handle; she was used to people looking at her. The talk, however, was a different story. Without a second's haste, Liv whipped around to see where the voice had come from: Ryder. "I'm going to enjoy this," she said, punching him square in the jaw. "The fuck, Liv? It was a joke." He spat, blood dripping from his split lip. "The only joke here, Ryder, is you. I know you're incapable of not being a wanker, but you might want to try a little harder, yeah? Because if you, or anyone else in this sodded place, has anything else to say about my friend, it'll be the last thing you do. Got it?" He nodded quickly. "Good. Now apologize to Mini." "I'm sorry." He sputtered. Mini glared at him, and he quickly ran off. "Liv, that was utterly badass of you. Thank you." Mini smiled, pulling Liv in for a hug. "I've got your back, babe. Never forget that. I've got to get going though. I'll see you guys later."
"Mini...Mini, wake up. It's time to go."
"...hm?" Mini lifted her head off the table, wiping the drool that escaped her mouth and slid down her chin. She looked around to see an all but empty room, and she glanced at the clock above the whiteboard. "Shit." She exclaimed, trying to make sense of what had happened. "I slept through the whole class! How am I supposed to pass my bloody A-levels when I can't even stay up long enough to know what they're about?" "Mini, it's okay. It's just one class, and I took notes for you. You looked so peaceful; I didn't want to wake you." Mini groaned. She knew Franky meant well, and she appreciated what she did, but it's not like they had every class together. She needed to do this on her own. She sighed, picking up her books. "Let's just go." They were making their way towards the door when Doug stopped them. "Ms. McGuinness, can I have a word?" Franky looked at Mini, and she nodded, letting her know she could go on without her. "Look, I'm sorry I fell asleep and missed your lecture. It won't happen again." Doug chuckled softly, shaking his head. "It's quite alright, understandably so. However, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about." He gestured for her to take a seat, and she did. "I wanted to see how you were doing. I know it must not be an easy adjustment, given your situation." Mini shrugged. "Right, yeah, ehm...well, I'm fine, I guess." Doug smiled. "I admire your bravery and spirit, Mini. Not many students would be able to do what you've done and still have a brightness about them. You're going to do great things one day, I'm sure of it. But until then, if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open." It was moments like this that reminded her why Doug had always been her favorite. He was a kind, genuine soul. "Oggy, oggy, oggy. Yes?" She smiled back at him. "Yeah. Thanks, Doug."
The Psychology nap she had taken seemed to be just what she needed to get through her next few classes. She struggled to catch up with everyone, but made sure to request any assignments or readings she had missed during her time away after each class so she could be on the same page as everyone else. She had never been so determined before, especially not about college, but there was something driving her towards proving everyone wrong.
She sat down on a bench outside, taking in the cool air around her. She had recently grown accustomed to the smell of hay and freshly mowed grass that emanated off of the farm, so the smell of wet cement and cigarettes that now surrounded her made her feel uneasy and even a little homesick. Franky made her way over to the bench, sitting beside her. "Alright, Mins?" She nodded. "Where's Liv?" "On her way. Alex wanted to talk to her about something. How's it been?" "Better. Everyone's kinda been ignoring me, thanks to Liv, so I've had no trouble studying." They laughed, just as Liv and Alex came into view. He handed her a folded piece of paper and she took it, shoving it in her pocket. He placed a kiss on her cheek and left, waving to the girls. "What was that about?" Mini asked suspiciously. "Nothing important." Liv answered innocently. Before either of them could pry any more, Liv changed the subject.
"Uh, Mini, I think you've sprung a leak." Liv said, gesturing towards the two circular stains forming on the front of Mini's sweater.
"Oh no." She yelled, firmly grasping them in her hands. Nowhere in this marvelous plan of hers' and Alo's had either of them considered making time for a feeding. She had though her breasts felt fuller, but she was so wrapped up in her coursework that she hadn't paid any mind to it. Suddenly, though, she was very aware. "My tits are gonna explode! I've gotta go." She quickly darted off, the sound of Franky and Liv's laughter fading in the distance.
"Alo? A little help, please!"
"Right, sorry." He carefully maneuvered his way to Mini who had already begun exposing her swollen breasts, and laid Grace into her arms. She began suckling away almost immediately. Mini sighed heavily. Rich, who had seemed all but forgotten, placed a hand over his eyes in embarrassment. "Guess I'll be on my way then. See ya, Alo, Mini." "See ya, mate." Alo called out as Rich made his way out of the barn.
Trying his best not to ogle, Alo sat down beside Mini on the small couch. "So, how was it?"
"Fine, I guess. Liv punched Ryder."
"No way." Alo's face lit up. He had never particularly liked Ryder to begin with, so hearing that he was finally getting bit in the ass by karma was very satisfying. "I'm sure he deserved it, but what'd he do?" Mini shrugged. "Just said something she didn't like, is all." He frowned. "About you?" Mini said nothing. "I'll kill him-"
"No, Alo, it's fine. It's taken care of. Besides, I probably won't be seeing him again for a long time."
"What d'you mean?"
Mini sighed, laying Grace down in her crib while she fetched herself a glass of water. "Well, I did some thinking on my way here, and I think...I think that I want to stay home with Grace."
"And quit college? Mins, you can't do that. We'll figure something out-"
"No, not quit. I was thinking about talking to Professor Blood about homeschooling. That way I can still get my work done while also being a mother to Gracie."
Alo thought for a moment. He had never considered the idea himself, though he did see how it would be beneficial for their situation. "I just don't want you to feel like you have no other choice."
"I do have a choice, and this is it. It's better this way, for everyone. I know I can do this." Alo smiled. "I know you can too."
After putting Grace to sleep, Alo removed his shirt and hopped into bed, releasing a long and much needed yawn. Mini began undressing, peeling her leggings off and replacing the sweater with a plain white t-shirt. Alo stared at her. He still couldn't quite believe that a beauty like Mini McGuinness would have ever gone for a guy like him. She curled up next to him on the bed, the smell of her strawberry shampoo wavering in the air. He wrapped himself around her, placing a light kiss upon her cheek. Her eyes closed and she smiled.
"Mini," he whispered, running a hand up her bare thigh, "I love you." She swatted his hand away like a bug. "What are you doing?" She demanded, turning to face him. "Nothing. I was just..."
"I just had a baby, Alo. You really think I want another one?"
"No, I was...I've got condoms. Loads of them. But I was..."
"I'm not having sex with you."
"Why not?" He demanded. "It's been weeks. The doctor said you could do it again in a few weeks."
"That doesn't mean I want to, Alo." She pulled the covers up and over herself and turned away from him. "Is it me? Did I do something?"
She sighed softly. "No."
"Then what is it, Mini? Because I'm starting to think this is more than just you not being 'in the mood.'" She sat up then, the blood boiling in her cheeks. Her eyes felt hot and wet. More tears. He grabbed her hand lightly, pulling her towards him. "Mini?"
"I don't even know why you'd want to, Alo. Look at me. I'm fat and saggy and have nasty saggy fat scars and I'll probably always look like this." The thought horrified her. He grabbed her face in either hand, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears. "Minnerva McGuinness, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Will ever see. And all these things you don't like about yourself? They're there because of our baby, which makes me love it even more." He placed his lips against hers, softly at first, but then with a bit of ferocity as her own lips responded. They sat like that for a moment, their lips locked, and Mini felt herself letting go of all of her foolish insecurities and with them, her fear of rejection. She pushed him onto the bed, and he stared up at her in wonder as she lifted her shirt off.
This was the first time she had been completely naked in front of Alo since she had given birth, and it was also the first time she felt comfortable in her own skin. He hooked his hands around her waist, stroking the marks as she had done before, pulling her down on top of him. "I love you." She said, crushing her lips against his. She could feel his erection rubbing against her thighs. Never taking her mouth off of his, she began slowly reaching...when Grace began crying. With a groan, she started to get up when Alo quickly flipped her over on to her back, knocking the breath out of her lungs. "No, no, no. I'll get her. You just stay put." She smiled that brilliant smile that always made him melt, and he placed a lingering kiss on her lips. "To." Another at the top of her left breast. "Be." And again on her navel, making her back arch with desire. "Continued."