Violent Love
In the following morning, I discussed with Charlie about my new plans. I told him I was withdrawing my application to the University of Alaska and moving in with my mother in Florida instead. I told both my mother and father that I intended to pursue becoming an artist in California after training in an art college in Florida.
I coordinated with Phil and Renée to arrange a flight to Jacksonville from Seattle. Renée was thrilled about my change of plans while Charlie, though clearly happy for me, couldn't shake off the gloom of knowing I was leaving him again.
"I'll be back, I promise," I told him when I was taking down the decorations in my room after taking photographs of them. I was taking almost all of them with me to Florida. When I finished arranging them in boxes, there was plenty of space for me to vacuum. With the walls almost bare and just my desk, dresser, mirror, and bed intact, my bedroom seemed bigger than it used to be.
I hadn't seen Edward or his family, or any of my fellow human friends from Forks High. If there was anything that hadn't quite changed, it was my indifference to Jessica, Mike, Tyler, Eric, and the others. I guessed I had been paranoid that I didn't trust any of them whereas I trusted a vampire who could kill me in an instant. The more I thought about it, the less I understood why things turned out the way they did. There was no reason for me to unfairly judge or shun any of them, but I just couldn't find it in myself to enjoy their company. And now, although I was sorry that I may have been mean, I still couldn't imagine myself feeling comfortable among them. Maybe I was so weird I only fit in among supernatural beings.
I sighed and collapsed on the bed. That was a sad thing to be. What was the point of breaking up with Edward if I was doomed to never fit in anywhere?
I asked Jacob to pick me up in his 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit to La Push, so we can carry the huge square plywood board I bought. I wanted to work on my art portfolio in Jacob's garage. "Why here?" he asked, when I told him what I was doing.
"You have complete tools, and you have time to help me use them," I said.
Jacob and I put up the plywood and let it lean against the wall. "So what are you gonna make?" he asked.
"I'll make a sculpture of you mauling Edward," I said grimly. "I'll just explain it as something else." I shrugged.
"What are you going to sculpt with?" he asked, realizing I hadn't brought any.
"Useless scrap metal, stones, and leaves, maybe," I said. "I should buy a mannequin." I made a quick sketch of what I want. Then, Jacob and I got to work on the wolf. It took us the whole day and a few cuts, bruises, and burns, but by the end of the day, we built the "skeleton" of the wolf using a motorcycle engine and smaller spare parts. I contemplated combining metal and/or leaves to make it more recognizably lupine.
When I was about to leave for dinner, Jacob told me, "I know this might sound mean, but my pack brothers are grateful that you broke up with Edward. It made the whole place a lot more peaceful."
"Thank you," I said uncertainly. "And yes, I wouldn't want to be a bother."
Jacob smirked and raised an eyebrow. Then, he laughed aloud.
Bewildered, I demanded, "Why are you laughing? What did I say?"
"I'm sorry," said Jacob, clearly surprised with himself but unable to stop. "It's Leah. She's tuning in to my thoughts and listening to us. She said something funny."
"Why don't you stop her?" I said, getting angrier by the second.
"I can't!" said Jacob, trying to catch his breath. "I don't have that power. Sam does, but he doesn't dare do that to Leah."
"What did she say?" I growled.
"I don't want to," said Jacob, his eyes widening with fear.
"What did she say?" I shouted.
Jacob recoiled and put his hands behind his back. "When you said you don't want to be a bother," he squeaked, "she asked if your nose was growing because you didn't seem to mind being a bother before."
I narrowed my eyes at Jacob. Then, his words sank in, and I turned around.
"Hey, where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm going home," I snapped. I kept walking and didn't look at him as I mounted my bike, started it, and rode off. I pretended to be deaf to his calls.
Charlie wasn't home yet, so I made a sandwich for myself and a small mug of tea. A heavy blanket of shame weighed down upon me in the silence of the house. I put the Quileute wolf pack through the trouble of fighting in a battle that wasn't theirs. I put all of their innocent lives at risk. "But I tried to stop them!" I argued. Then, I realized: "No, I didn't." I did feel guilty about making them go through the trouble of facing dangerous newborn vampires, but I didn't say anything. Jacob had reassured me that while he was doing it for me, the rest of the pack was doing it for their tribe. But even with that excuse, Sam and Leah and the others must have been angry with me.
Jacob laughed because he was presented with the truth that I had denied all this time. What a nerve I had, going there as if nothing had happened! Weeping, I ate my light dinner, had a shower, and lay in my father's bed. I scribbled a note, saying, "Please, let me sleep here, Daddy."
When I woke up, I was still alone in the bed, but I could hear Charlie stirring his coffee in the dining room. I stretched my body, got up, and made the bed. I was thankful for the long, dreamless sleep. It was the only reason I felt well-rested today. Charlie and I served ourselves cereal because neither of us felt like cooking today.
While browsing the Internet for part-time jobs I may take in Florida, I contemplated going to La Push. I really wanted to go, but I now had a different reason not to. If I had been too angry to stay last night, I was now too ashamed to go back. "Hi, Bells," said Charlie. "I'm about to go to work. Aren't you going to Jacob's today? I can bring you there."
"No, thanks, Dad," I said without looking at him.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not going," I clarified with a little edge in my voice.
Charlie waited for a moment. Then, he said, "Alright, Bells. I'll see you tonight."
"Be careful," I said, smiling at him.
"Always am," he said with a playful smirk.
When I heard the cruiser leave the driveway, I immediately regretted the decision to stay at home alone. I felt the swirl of air through my bedroom. My heart raced.
"Hello, Bella," said Alice's bell-like voice.
"You're not welcome here anymore, Alice," I said. "Ever heard of breaking and entering? I think you forget my father is the Chief of the Forks Police Department."
Alice grinned mischievously like an actress playing Peter Pan on stage. "Your human laws and their enforcers weren't even able to solve the vampire-related mysteries of the past couple of years …"
"I've had it with your family's condescending comments about us mortals!" I shouted at her. "Go away now, please!"
"Edward wants to see you," she said calmly and seriously.
"Well, I don't," I said.
"He wants to talk to you."
"I don't think we have to."
"Bella, don't be ridiculous!"
"Oh, I'm being ridiculous? Why don't you just laugh at me now? It's not like I can fight back."
"You're refusing out of anger, I can understand that."
"Stop manipulating me! Where is Jasper?"
The question wiped the smile from Alice's face and replaced it with a guilty pout. Suddenly, Jasper was standing at my bedroom door with a sad look.
"Seriously," I said, "I feel used."
"It would make us happy if you consider coming with us," said Jasper. "You and Edward could use a calm talk to sort things out."
Considering that a "calm talk" can put Edward at ease about the breakup once and for all, I agreed to go. The three of us rode in Alice's yellow Porsche 911 Turbo to the Cullen House.
I remembered how I had been a little bit uncomfortable being alone in a car with Alice and Jasper, but that was before Alice and I became close friends. I remembered feeling out of place and infinitely embarrassed that they had gone through the trouble of driving all the way to Arizona to protect worthless little me. Now, I just felt detached, like I didn't belong with them anymore, even though they wanted me to.
Sighing, I put my feet upon the passenger seat and curled up into a ball. "Honestly, I don't understand why you still want me," I said.
"Oh, Bella," said Alice sadly, "I've missed you. Edward misses you. We all feel incomplete without you for us to entertain."
"So Laurent was right to call me your pet," I said.
"Laurent told you that?" asked Jasper.
"Yeah, just before Jacob and his brothers saved me from him."
If they had any blood, Alice and Jasper would have been blushing. In any case, seeing them squirm uncomfortably in their seats was wildly satisfying.
I had imagined never having to visit the Cullen House again. I opened the door, and surely enough, Edward was playing in the piano the lullaby he had composed for me. His playing was always so intricate and delicate; it brought tears to my eyes. No, I had to be firm! I wiped my eyes with my hands and marched upstairs where the piano was. I had been walking so slowly that Edward had finished the entire piece when I found him.
Edward went at vampire speed from the piano to me. He lifted me with his majestic arms and kissed me with so much passion I could have passed out but didn't. "I'm so glad you came, Bella," he said, peppering my face with tender kisses. Then, he stopped. "You smell of him."
"You know you are in no position to stop me," I said defiantly even as I blushed with shame.
"I know," he said sadly. "I'm just disappointed we had to cancel the wedding. Alice had it all planned out."
"Of course I did," chirped Alice. "Oh, Bella, it would have been grand. The whole entrance hall would have been strewn with white ribbons and white flowers. Everything would have been scented with potpourri, and you would have been fantastic in your gown. …"
I laughed inwardly. Besides graduation and our big battle against Victoria and her newborn army, Alice had busied herself with planning the wedding. Nothing excited Alice more than shopping except having been given a reason to shop—in this case, my wedding. I had been too stressed over the very real threat to my life to be thrilled about the event. Alice knew this enough to let me "wait and see" what she had in store. Not that I had been very keen on making the wedding day perfect; in fact, I'd felt so embarrassed for Alice doing all the work that I didn't feel like going through it at all.
Now, I felt like shrinking into the polished floor as Alice told me the plans that could have been a wonderful surprise for me: "You and Edward could have gone to Brazil, and have your private honeymoon in Isle Esme. Carlisle bought the island for Esme, and the two of you can have it all to yourselves!"
"I don't deserve all that," I said, trying not to cry.
"Of course, you do, my Bella," said Edward. His beautiful topaz eyes radiated sadness that crushed my stony heart into sand. "If you would let me, I can show you just one more thing."
After experiencing such thrills no other human could possibly experience, I couldn't imagine how Edward could show me anything more that can surprise me, anymore. Curious, I offered my hand, and he took it. His touch had an instantaneous reaction. My skin tingled and the hairs stood on end. There was no use in hiding that I liked it very much, and I missed it so.
Edward led me to the back of the house. He beckoned me into the patch of woods beyond the house, and I followed in his perfect strides. We followed a little trail. We didn't stray from the trail or wander very far, but soon, the lights of the Cullen House were out of sight. Then, Edward stopped outside a quaint little bungalow.
"It's perfect for us," he said. "It's our house."
"It's wonderful," I said. "It's the kind of home I want."
"Do you want to look inside?" asked Edward.
There was no use in saying no, so I nodded and followed him. As I had expected, the bungalow looked bigger on the inside. It was fully furnished and decorated. It was complete with books and electronics and trinkets to fill in the shelves. "It's all so beautiful," I said, once more feeling the love that Edward and his family had for me.
"And it's all for you," said Edward.
I looked at him. His sorrow barely marred his beauty, and I couldn't take it. "Really?" I said.
Edward nodded. "I would give everything for you," he said. He leaned in for a kiss, and I was powerless to draw back from him. He smelled of vanilla and cinnamon. I could smell it in his skin and his breath. I could taste it in his tongue as we kissed. It was the most delicious sensation, and it was the first time that we kissed like this. I yearned for more, and so did he. As though reading my mind, Edward lifted me and laid me on the bed.
His hands were unusually clumsy as he unbuttoned my jeans, but he pulled the tough trousers off me with ease. I mewed with pleasure, being half-naked in his presence. He removed my shirt and kissed me again. My mouth felt as though filled with honey, magnifying my senses in effect. My heart raced as Edward stripped off my underwear. My skin tingled with anticipation. I grew hot and wet between the legs. No matter what I said or did, I loved him. I loved Edward. There was no way to deny it.
I loved him but not the kind of life he could offer me. As I gazed up at Edward's bare magnificence, blood rushed in my ears like an internal alarm. "This isn't right," I said, reaching for my clothes on the floor.
Edward held me with both hands at the hips and told me, "This is what you want, right?" He put one hand between my legs. I gasped at the rapturous sensation. It was too much. He looked about as tortured with desire as I was as he observed how much my body wanted him.
"You said you wanted to wait," I said with a wobbling voice.
"Well, I changed my mind," he said tenderly. "I must have hurt you so when I denied you our consummation after I promised that everything you want is yours. You deserve nothing less."
"Edward," I said. I was unable to say anything more when he mounted me and penetrated me. I was rendered breathless as his shaft slid inside as easily as a brand-new knife through a slab of meat. I trembled violently. The heat of my flesh contrasted painfully with his icy shaft. I found my voice only to cry out in pain as he probed more deeply. Edward kissed my mouth and fondled my breasts. Then, he groaned as if from pain. My eyes widened with horror. My hymen was torn, and blood was coming forth.
"Let me go!" I whimpered, but Edward grasped my shoulders in his powerful grip and bit into the pillow. We both screamed. "Stop!" I said, panicking now. But he continued to sway me, faster and faster. He slammed his fist against the headboard with each thrust.
I might have enjoyed all this if I weren't so scared. I was being ravished by a jackhammer so powerful that my vision was reduced to a grayish blur and there was nothing but fear and pain. I was being pummeled from the inside out, and I couldn't even scream. His hands clutched at various parts of my body like I was a stress ball. No, he was wrong; this wasn't what I wanted. Soon, Edward stopped, pushing himself very deeply. He shuddered and moaned in sweet agony. Then, he lay down on top of me, catching his breath.
I lay there waiting. My vagina pulsed around him, counting the seconds. "Edward," I whispered.
He looked at me. His face was unrecognizable. His eyes had gone black like ebony, and the rest of his face was contorted in fearsome agony. "I wish you could read my mind," I said. I was seldom angry with Edward, but I hated each time because I was always defeated and helpless, like now. I could only lay there and wait for him to kill me. To my surprise, he screamed in rage and fled the room. I sat up. There was fresh blood on the pristine sheets. My whole body ached. I needed to lie down.
I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until I woke up to searing pain between my legs. I kicked and screamed, more so when an icy hand held me firmly by the arm. "It's alright, Bella!" called Carlisle's voice. "You're alright. You're safe."
I was still in the bedroom where Edward had taken me. Carlisle was cleaning me up. He had covered my body with the blankets. There was a small bowl of blood-dyed water on the tray beside the bed. At the foot of the bed, my clothes were neatly folded.
I had never seen Carlisle as grim as he now was. I felt comfort in knowing that Carlisle at least understood how grave what his son had done. "It will sting for a little while, but it will heal in the next few days," he said in a businesslike monotone. "You can get dressed."
When he turned around to leave, I said, "Carlisle, I'm scared."
"I know, Bella," said Carlisle. The affection in his voice was back. "I am, too. I'll take you home, if you like."
"I don't want to go home. Could you take me to La Push?"
"I can only bring you as far as the border. Is that okay?"
"Okay," I said. "Thank you."
Carlisle was unmistakably heartbroken even though I hadn't complained about what had happened. Like Jasper, Carlisle had never been as chatty as Alice or Emmett, but his energy radiated strongly.
I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I was too shocked at what had happened and disillusioned with Edward that I still needed to wrap my mind around it. I didn't need to because Carlisle knew.
"You could have stopped him," I said. "You could have saved me. That's what you do, right? You save people."
Carlisle looked deeply ashamed with himself. I had never seen him look this broken. "After having spent so much time with you, I thought I could trust him," he said sadly. "I trusted him too much tonight. Please, forgive me, Bella."
It took me several minutes to come up with a response. We were just outside La Push when I was finally ready. "I'll have to forgive him first," I said. "Thank you, Carlisle."
Billy and Jacob's house was a short walk away. Billy didn't look too happy to see me. "I'm sorry, Bella," he said worriedly, "but this is a bad time."
"How bad?" I asked.
"Jacob is fine," he assured me, "but Sam isn't. Everyone's trying to calm him down."
I frowned, puzzled. I couldn't imagine Sam being anything other than calm and collected. The weight of responsibility bore down on his head, but I had never even seen him flinch.
"Is it okay if I wait for him? It's really important," I said.
Billy narrowed his eyes at me. "I think you can confide in me, too, Bella."
After a few moments' hesitation, I was about to say it when the door opened. Jacob was carrying a man. Jacob set him down on the couch. He was about Billy's age, but he was so bedraggled that he could pass off as a much older man. His face was badly bruised and may need minor surgery.
"I'll get a doctor, Jake," said Billy, wheeling himself to the phone at once.
Bewildered, I quietly watched the scene. Jacob fetched a basin and a face towel. He washed the man's face with a damp towel. The man only groaned in agony. When his face was clean, my hairs stood on end: it was Sam's father. The resemblance was unmistakable.
I sat quietly in the dining area, watching Billy and Jacob attend to their unexpected guest. Now that I was here, it will only be more embarrassing to just leave; besides, I still needed to talk to Jacob before I lose the guts to do so.
"Whoa, who's that mighty fine lass I see?" asked the man, when he came to. His eyes were bleary. He shuddered violently and began to scratch his arms.
"Shut up, Joshua," snapped Billy, bandaging the man's hands.
"Bella Swan," I told Joshua Uley. His incessant fidgeting gave away that he was a drug addict—probably crack.
"Swan," murmured the man. "I knew someone named Swan."
"You have, haven't you?" said Billy vaguely. Jacob stood behind me and held my hand.
"Of course!" said Sam's father. There was the strong hint of certainty behind the slurred speech. "My Pappy Levi used to tell stories about some Swan fellow. What's his name? Solomon … Solomon Swan, that's right."
"Dad?" said Jacob, who was starting to freak out.
"Don't be silly, Joshua," said Billy. "There isn't anybody named Swan in La Push."
"Besides Old Quil's wife, there ain't," said Joshua Uley, "not since Old Solomon left La Push to marry a white woman. He wasn't heard from, since."
I started to feel light-headed. My stomach was turning.
"Shall I bring you home?" asked Jacob.
"I actually don't want to go home," I said. "I just want to talk to you. You're the only one I can trust."
"I gotta warn you, though," he said. "The whole pack will know what you tell me … unless you want the pack to know."
I squeezed his hand. My hand was cold. "Do you mind if we take a walk?" I asked.
Jacob turned to his father. "Dad, we're just gonna take a walk, okay? Will you be okay with him?"
"Yes," Billy said confidently, as Joshua had passed out again on the couch.
Jacob and I walked to the beach. When we got there, Jacob asked, "Why did you come to La Push? It didn't feel like the other times you visited me."
I took a deep breath. "Well, I did something terrible."
"What, burn down the Cullen House?" Jacob suggested with a chuckle. Then, his face fell when he looked at my face.
"Jacob, I went to the Cullen House," I said. I cried. "I was told Edward only wanted to talk. He tried guilt-tripping me into getting back together with him. When I refused to give in, he raped me."
Jacob's eyes came out of focus, and he started to tremble like a guitar string. "Jacob, I'm so sorry," I said. "I should have left, but every time he is in front of me, it's like everything about him draws me in, and I'm hypnotized. I don't know how to stop."
"Like a moth to a flame," Jacob supplied. His trembling somewhat subsided. "It's how vampires attract their human victims. I don't blame you for a second, but Bella, what the hell were you thinking, going to the Cullen House?!"
"Alice told me he just wanted to talk!" I shrilled.
"And you believed her?" asked Jacob incredulously.
"Of course I did! She is my friend!"
"What kind of friend knowingly puts another friend in danger? She's the little dark-haired fortuneteller, right? She should have seen it coming!"
My knee-jerk reaction was to defend Alice by saying that Alice's visions depended on people's decisions. But Edward likely intended to seduce me the whole time. Defeated, I broke down and cried. "They tricked me!"
"They've always tricked you, Bella," said Jacob. "The way I see it, they're keeping you alive not out of compassion for humanity but as a trophy for other vampires to see that they're different. And they are different; they are worse, because they're playing with your feelings."
It was all very difficult to absorb, but I couldn't see any flaw in that argument. "I'm a fool, Jacob! I'm their fool, and I'm sorry!"
"Come here," he said softly, pulling me in for a tight embrace. "I don't blame you for one minute."
I hated being put on the spot, and it felt like the first day of school again as I sat among the shirtless Quileute boys, Emily Young, and her cousin Leah Clearwater. Leah's gaze was especially unnerving though Jacob was literally the only one I could be comfortable with, at the moment. Sam was standing behind the kitchen counter. Emily was standing behind him in the shadows.
"Under these circumstances, I wouldn't have allowed you to enter Quileute territory," Sam told me. As I nodded, he continued, "But now that you're here and uninfected, it is best that you know what's going on. Technically, the Cullens can only break the treaty by biting a human. As you are not bitten, we are still bound by the treaty to not attack the Cullens."
"I don't want you to," I squeaked automatically.
Leah laughed bitterly and the others sighed with disappointment.
"I don't want to, either," said Seth, "but seriously, Bella, aren't you even the least bit angry after … this?"
"Treaty or no treaty, I think we don't have to attack," said Leah smugly. The boys became tense at once, dreading Leah's next words. "The local bloodsuckers have claimed Bella long before most of us phased. Besides, she was attacked in their territory; she isn't our responsibility."
"The fact remains," said Sam, raising his voice to calm his murmuring subordinates, "that the vampire Edward Cullen attacked Bella Swan. It is our duty to protect humans from vampire attacks."
"No, our duty is to protect the tribe," said Leah. The others murmured in reluctant assent. "Bella is not of our tribe."
"Yes, she is," said Jacob with surprising calm. "She is descended from Solomon Swan, a former pack member of Ephraim Black."
"Oh, I heard about him," said Embry. "That's the dude who left the rez to marry a white woman, wasn't he?"
"It's just a story, Embry," said Quil softly.
"There have been many generations of Wolf People before us," said Jared. "We only know of the prominent figures like Taha Aki and Ephraim Black, but there are lesser known people, too. Who's to say that Solomon Swan didn't actually exist?"
"So, Joshua Uley wasn't making the story up?" I asked.
"Regardless," interjected Sam, in the same loud voice for calling attention; he got agitated at hearing his father's name. "Edward Cullen has violated the treaty by attacking a human."
"But he neither infected nor fed off of her," Jared argued, "so he didn't actually violate the treaty."
"Paul, what do you say?" asked Sam.
Paul, who was pensive amidst the chaos up to this point, sat up. "I'd like a better reason to attack the Cullens," he said quietly. "We've wanted to do it for a long time. It's that stupid treaty keeping us from it. But Sam, you seem willing to violate the treaty yourself just to attack the Cullens."
"Yeah, it seems like that, to me," said Jacob.
Sam viciously looked them all down even though he was noticeably indignant about Paul's and Jacob's assertions.
"Bella, what do you say?" asked Leah. She had never addressed me directly before, much less a supportive approach. I was so caught off-guard that I was unable to speak. Then, she added, "The love of your life just violated you. It seems more important to ask you what you want." There was sincerity in her words even though she was obviously making fun of me for romancing a Cold One.
Leah and the rest of the people in the room waited for an answer. Everyone was watching and waiting for me, and I didn't like it. "I haven't really thought of it," I said, after a few long moments of thinking. "Edward hurt my body and broke my heart. I haven't thought of doing anything about it, yet. I'm just … I just feel betrayed."
Leah's face softened. She looked up at Sam, and they exchanged unbearably pained looks even as they both tried to hide it from everyone, especially Emily.
Sam cleared his throat. "So," he began, "who else besides me believes that the Cullens are held accountable for what Edward did and should be punished with an attack?"
Only Jacob raised his hand.
"That settles it," said Leah with an air of delighted indifference. "We leave the Cullens alone, for now." Leah distinctively reminded me of Rosalie, who never lost an opportunity to spite me. Rosalie was never shy of letting me know that she disliked me. Like Leah, Rosalie didn't care about how her consistent shows of disapproval made me feel as long as what she felt was put out there to see. How Leah or Rosalie maintained the hostility even with a gesture as subtle as looking at me mystified me.
The Quileute boys left one by one. Jacob let me ride with him in his motorcycle to my house. Charlie was home already and was glad to see that I was with Jacob. My father kissed me on the cheek when I arrived in the house, and I hugged him tightly. "I love you, Dad," I said.
"Is something wrong, Bells?" asked Charlie.
"I just really miss you, Dad," I said.
Charlie let me sleep in his bed again.